My beautiful Mom died 2 days ago. It's hit me so much harder than I thought. I've been with her and her caregiver for 10 years and now, I have no purpose. I don't have a family or kids..I can't think of any enjoyment in the future because she won't be here to share it with me. I'm going to talk to my doctor tomorrow. I also feel angry at others who are mourning because they barely came to see her and have no idea what real grief feels like.
I'm a mess and scared.
You don't have to plan the rest of your life today. Or tomorrow. Your mom just died within the last few days. Allow yourself to feel it. Don't worry about what you're going to do next, get through this first. You're going to feel lousy and depressed and scared and you're going to be a mess. All normal feelings right now and appropriate as well. Your anger is normal too.
I lost my dad almost a year ago and it still hurts. I walked through those days after his death like a zombie. Every time I felt the pain well up I'd somehow smash it back down. Death of a loved one, especially a parent and ESPECIALLY if we were the caregiver is extremely painful. That's the way it's supposed to be.
Allow yourself to grieve. Come here and share your grief as you have already done. Don't expect too much from yourself right now, you're in mourning. Be gentle with yourself and don't make any big decisions right now.
Today, just do what you have to do today and don't worry about tomorrow until you wake up tomorrow. You will get through this. My dad has been gone almost a year now and I still get a pain in my heart when I think of him. But life will go on.
Keep on this site & keep talking. Your not alone. Not one of us are alone.
Blessing are all around you, we just are not able always to remember. Forget & remember always follow each other. Moment to moment...
You can only think one thought at a time. If your busy say, playing the piano, making bread or watching TV-that is all you can do. One thing at a time.
I had to stop crying. It was causing me not to be able to breath correctly as well as to tend to my work, my husband, my life. I PRAY A LOT....
On a more pratical side, try to find somehting positive to spend a little daily time on, institute a daily walking routine, read a novel,etc,, Just something to start filling the time void, not the emotional one.
I would encourage you to grieve and allow yourself to be angry, sad, upset...these are all very normal emotions. Don't rush it. Everyone grieves differently, and don't let anyone tell you you should "get over it" after a certain length of time. There is no time limit on grief.
Definitely talk to the doctor, as you mentioned, and let them help you the best they can. When the time comes that you feel up to activity, perhaps you could look at volunteering in a place that makes you feel needed and loved. I see myself volunteering at the local animal shelter. They need the help, and the animals are always appreciative!
No matter the relationship someone has with a parent, it's very painful to lose someone that's been in your life your whole life.
I have my two sons who are in their twenties. As much as I love and value them for so many reasons, it's just not the same as having a sibling or a parent.
Sometimes, when I cook I think of my mom. My mom loved good food as long as I knew her and I can honestly say she liked my cooking. Sometimes, in the middle of making a dish, I'm reminded that she isn't around to enjoy it anymore. When I fill up the bird feeders, sitting right where they're at in front of the big window where she used to sit and watch them, I'm reminded that she'll never sit at that window and watch them again. So many little things that pop into my mind when I least expect it...
Right now I'm wondering what the hell my purpose is, too. I think my purpose is to bust my a**, take care of myself and try to build some kind of life filled with people and things that mean something to me and bring me peace and make me happy. I think part of my purpose is to try and live life the way I want it, to work to make that happen come hell or high water.
Right now I'm flip flopping between going back to work now or back to school. I hated school to be honest. I detest having to sit for hours. I loath memorizing. I'll get to class, determined to pay attention to every word, but half way through class it's like I wake up and realize that my mind was in another world and all I remember hearing is 'wonk, wonk, wonk' in the background...
And, like you, I took care of my mom for over a decade. I've basically been living under a rock for years now. The world seems like a big, scary place and sometimes I'm loath to get out in it. I want to stay where I feel safe, in my own surroundings. It's crazy. On top of it, being a major introvert, I dread all those damn job interviews with all those strangers...
I don't have all the answers, h***, I barely have any. I'm just trying to muddle through this one little step at a time. And all the while is this colossal mountain of pain I lug around all the time, always trying to suppress it, when that's been part of my problem for years.
Finding a way to channel all that into something productive is the bottom line I guess.
I wish you all the best. And you're not alone. You have us. Thank God for all the good people on this site. *squish!*
Reading your posts has been very helpful. I know I don't have to rush into things. It's just hard. Thank you all again.
Lisa
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