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I "live with" my father. Not because I financially need to, but because I promised my dying mother I would "look out for him" because she said, "he cries to me Angela, he's forgetting big things and is scared he's going to be like his mother. Promise me you'll look out for him" so that he maintained his pride and I was able to keep a promise I made, I asked him if I could move in with him for "help". Maybe that was a mistake, I don't know. He is pretty much self-sufficient, he drives, he pays his bills etc. But if I don't "stay on top" of him, he won't take his medication or he gets confused and doesn't take it correctly, he won't go to the doctor when he has symptoms of something, he won't eat right, he isolates himself and will drink alcohol. I know he is forgetting much more than he tells me, but I've harassed him to the doctors office, we have had every medical testing done that can be (no brain lesions, no nothing) and there is no physical evidence of dementia. He is super ultra critical, of EVERYTHING I do, I walk into a room and he immediately starts scowling ( no exaggerating here), he is obsessive compulsive about cleaning, I can't even leave a deodorant out on the counter in the bathroom! He makes comments about "when are you moving out" - constantly. He HOUNDS me to the point that I've pretty much thrown all of my possessions away because "you live like a pig" ( in his room is a bed a dresser and a table with a clock that's it.) He has NO hobbies, no enjoyments, he collects nothing and that's how he EXPECTS me to be also. He habitually goes through my bedroom, my drawers, my paperwork, even my car, my trunk and my glove box! I give him $300. every two weeks for "rent" plus I purchase food, laundry soap etc so I'm not just "living off him" like my sister believes. I feel like he wants me to disappear, as a human being. My bedroom used to be my "solace". The one place I could get away from him and relax, be happy and now he's taken that from me too. When I moved in with him, I went out of my way to make sure I didn't "invade" his house. I didn't change things, I didn't move things and made sure all my things were in storage or in my room. He relentlessly hounded me about my room and my things in it and he finally got in my room by claiming that it needed painted and the carpet changed. So now my room is pretty much bare of anything except a bed and a dresser. Financially, I can leave and trust me I want to (he isn't passive about wanting me out either) but I know what will happen when I do and I'm in a moral dilemma. I miss my things, I miss my furniture, I miss my fish, I miss my "home", I miss having a home, I feel displaced, out of place, unwanted and abused. I'm tired. My sister is his emergency contact, even though I live with him, my sister is on his bank accounts, my sister is on his will and she has told me, mincing no words, when he dies shes throwing me out to sell the house and pay his bills off because "she's not being responsible for him". She has told me he will never live with her and she will put him in a nursing home. She lives 2 hours away and is pretty much non-existent in all this. I am depressed and to add fuel to the flame my 17 year old daughter also lives here and has to endure his endless maliciousness and anger. We can't "hide" enough for him, we leave no possessions out, only our shoes in the front hallway and he complains about those. I know if I leave I wont want to come back, I won't want to visit or check on him or anything - the wounds he's leaving are deep and gushing. I don't know what to do.

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Get out and do it as soon as you can. You have fulfilled your promise to take care of him, but that does not include the emotional abuse. Get out for your daughter's sake if not for your own. Your sister will not take him in out of good sense, because she already knows what he is like. He should not be driving. He is angry because he knows his mother had dementia and he cannot avoid having it too. If the doctors ran a complete neuro-psych exam and found nothing wrong, your father is still well enough to hide his symptoms. He will continue to live in denial as long as you enable him to do so. Save yourself and save your daughter and GET OUT OF DODGE!
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I agree with the previous writer - GET OUT of the house and get a safe place to retreat to. You can still have contact and check up on him if you want to. You have done your best to fulfill your Mom's wishes. Don't know if having a senior care manager call on him would help, but they might have some suggestions for you and your sister on how to deal with the situation. Ultimately you may just have to opt for making things as good as you can for your daughter and yourself. Give the problem to God - he really will see you through - sometimes in ways you never would have imagined, but when you look back you WILL see those footprints in the sand!
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I've experience the same treatment from my father. I sold my home, that I loved,
and moved in with him when my mother died. He cried and didn't want to be alone. I regret it and learned quickly what my future would be. I should have known better because he has always been a controlling man to everyone. He wore my kind, loving mother down. She was upset by him every day. I've replaced my mother and he does the same thing to me. He is 98 years old and has been diagnosed with dementia and anger issues. I could go on and on with what I've endured with the insults and threats and always being told "it's his house and get outl". He can't be left alone and needs care.
I have to have a hip replacement in Mar. Like others, my only sibling a brother, does absolutely nothing and doesn't want to hear about anything. I'm looking into placing him in a rehab/ nursing facility when I have surgery and then rehab. I called his insurance company and they don't cover a situtation like this for any kind of respite, temporay care. I'm told that it will cost over $350 per day. He has adult grand children, all working, and a couple of close friends. No one has offered to take him or come to the house to be with him. I have POA and will probably end up paying out of his pocket for the care. Then there's his anti-social cat that he won't part with. It hides under furniture and only comes out when hungry. He keeps the litter box in a small bathroom that always has an odor. He swears he cleans it every day but I know he doesn't. With my hip causing me discomfort I can't take on another job of cleaning up after the cat. I'm sorry for your similar problems with your father.
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First, get out. Second, report to dmv. Third, understand that your dad is mentally ill and probably has dementia and incompetent docs. Have someoneelse get him to a geriatric psychiatrist. But first GET OUT.
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Leave.
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You and your daughter need to move out - no one should have to live like that. Let your father know (once you find a place) the reasons you are leaving, and without you there for him not to be surprised at what happens next when your sister takes over - that YOU were willing to stay so he could remain in his home, etc. but he has made it perfectly clear your help is unwanted. There is no "moral dilemma" here - the promise you made to your mother did not include moving in and subjecting yourself to daily abuse - you volunteered yourself for that. Your promise included looking out for him, which you can do from a different residence, and you need to do so as soon as possible.
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Agreed, time to leave. There is only so much you can do for a person who doesn't want help. My dad was the same way. He was never the type to focus on his health and of course it became that much worse when the dementia started setting in. If I were you I would definitely move out, and check on him, but set limits - maybe just once a week, since he can mostly take care of himself. If he needs more than that, hire a home health aid, but don't pay for it yourself, that's not your responsibility. Get your sister to help make arrangements to have him pay for some help. As he gets worse over time (he will), have them come in more often. Eventually you will probably have to work with your sister to have him placed somewhere, either assisted living or a nursing facility. But don't take him into your home, it would take away your ability to take care of your other responsibilities, like your job (assuming you have one), your daughter and house.
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Leave as soon as you can, don't look back, know that you have given your best efforts to an ungrateful, hateful father, and do not subject your daughter to this abusive situation ANY LONGER! No one said you had to take this abuse, and your mother might have, but YOU do not. Leave! Live your life! Enjoy freedom!
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As everyone else has said GET OUT. Its no life for a 17 year old do you want her to come home pregnant because of loneliness? Rent something nearby IF you feel the obligation. You know your sister will sell the house from underneath you. your daughter will be out of High School shortly and will probably take off as soon as she can. You understand the situation and know what to do. don't stay out of guilt or obligation. Love yourself enough to do this,
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I realize it's easy to be told to leave. But I understand the fear you have. Letting your Mother down, she confided a secret to you and asked for your help. You see his short comings and you want to help. Okay, this is it.......In every family there is a care giver, sometimes it's the oldest, youngest, middle, son or daughter...the list goes on. It's a job we take on ourselves. Almost instinctually. It's funny how everyone is willing to let us take on that role. Very rarely is there immediate "compensation" from others, but that's not really why we do it. You need to go against instinct and put yourself first. You sound like you can afford to move out so gooooooo! If you can't do it for yourself .... Your daughter might not be telling you the truth (or maybe she does) about how she feels about the abuse. It's time to turn your caregiving towards your daughter and teach her that nobody deserves abuse. You need to teach her how to pick out an emotionally solid significant other or how to independently live away from abuse. Change is good.
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Ssansgal I don't think you should pay for your dad's care. How could you? I make a decent salary, but the cost of care for my dad would be well over every penny I earn and my entire life savings would be gone within a few months. However I desperately needed to place him in a facility. As his POA my only plan was to have him pay out of pocket until his savings ran out, then apply for Medicaid. He was recently admitted to the hospital after a fall, and the hospital staff is going to help me place him in a facility. I am so fortunate to have that help, and also there is now a chance that Medicare will cover some of the nursing home costs because he is being admitted after a hospital stay. Trying to get a parent into a nursing home from their home is a huge pain and a lot of work and red tape. I don't know what I'd have done if they tried to send him back home, because I too am having a surgery soon, and even though my recovery won't be as difficult as a hip surgery, I am not supposed to do heavy lifting or pulling for 6 weeks, but my dad can't stand on his own. So I understand the dilemma. Try calling around for help and advice. Call APS, call a local senior center, call your state's agency (in MI there's an Office of Services for the Aging that I called). If you can't get him placed somewhere at this time, then look for a home health agency who can come to him. Payment needs to come out of his savings, and if he hasn't got any, then it's time to apply for Medicaid right now.
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move and go be your own adult and enjoy life. It was unfair of your mom to ask you to live with him. You can always call him everyday and stop by and visit him. Alcohol and old age seems to go hand in hand. And one thing I hear often is that "twice children" comment which i think is so unfair. Your father is an adult man. And growing old is the most difficult thing there is. Our minds are still young and some of us are angry that our bodies are giving out. you will have a much better relationship with your father if you just bring him dinner once in awhile and call him and ask him how he's doing.
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Your first responsibility is to your daughter. You owe her as safe and happy life as you are able to provide. She is not getting that living in your father's home. I doubt that your mother would want you to expose your daughter or yourself, for that matter, to your father's continued control and abuse. Call your sister, tell her you're leaving and give her the exact date of your departure. On that date, walk out the door with your daughter and don't look back. Keep your daughter's welfare first and foremost in your mind. She is your priority, both morally and ethically. No need for guilt over your father. You are fulfilling your responsibility as a mother.
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Please leave as soon as possible. You made a promise to your mother, and you have fulfilled your promise. She chose your father as her husband. You did not choose him as a father. Having lived with him, you have been subjected to abuse on a daily basis. Is this the example you want to set for your daughter that it is OK to allow a man to abuse you? She is at a very vulnerable and impressionable age. What she needs is a mother who is a whole person, not a victim of abuse. What she needs is a strong mother who exudes self-respect and independence. Currently, you are imprisoned, but you can set yourself free. If you cannot do this for yourself, do it for your daughter. You both deserve love, compassion and comfort in your daily lives. Your sister has told you she will sell the house from under you, and you will have to move, quickly and under stressful circumstances. So, please move out now! Once you move out, contact Elder Care and social services in your area. Contact your local senior center. Talk to your father's doctor. You can try to provide services for your dad, but at a distance. You say if you move out, you would be reluctant to ever return. Your father is who he is, an angry, bitter and totally unimaginative human being. You have already done enough for him. Now, it is time for you to have the self-esteem and self-respect to make different choices for yourself and your daughter. I am a long-experienced caretaker, so I feel free to say, love yourself and start taking care of yourself. Your deserve it! Best of luck to you.
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psteigman and others are right. Time to get out. The reason for the verbal/emotional abuse doesn't matter at this point; a clue is that your mother indicated he was "scared" he was destined for dementia. Fear of that eventuality, loss of control over his life, others seeing his decline, all create the strangest behavior in our elders not to mention the gaps in their brains and behaviors that dementia causes. I have long been on the receiving end with my mother of much of what you describe. My latest revelation is to let the chips fall where they may when I'm not around, to take care of her as best I can without losing my own health or sanity or self, and to feel no guilt about protecting those and in your case, your daughter. You have honored the promise to your mother. She did not ask you to sacrifice your own life, just to look after him. It appears that may now have to be done from a distance, the measure of which you choose. Easy to say, tough to do. Create boundaries NOW, if not for your sake, then for your daughter's until you can see their importance for yourself. Changes in his life will come but I promise you will never be able to predict or control them. Love yourself, love your daughter. Your sister is responsible for her own decisions. We hear your call in crisis and understand. Please don't subject yourself to his unhappiness and fear any longer! Hugs.
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I don't begin to understand why you're living there, and I can't imagine why you think it's ok to inflict it on your teenage daughter. Your father doesn't want you there, you don't want to be there, God knows what your daughter has to say about it, and none of this insane situation is made necessary by the promise you made to your mother.

This is NOT a rhetorical question: what do you think you're doing?
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Taking care of and living with can be 2 different things. My son in law is taking care of his mother. She lives in assisted living and enjoys her children's and grandchildren's visits but still has an independent life. We all value independence perhaps it is overrated. My MIL lives alone, has had her driving privilege taken away and is becoming more and more affected by dementia. But her written wish is to stay in her home. Other than oversee things, pay her bills, bring her food, take her to the doctors, make sure someone visits daily there is not much else we can do. Even that is about too much for us since it is 2.5 hour commute done each week and we are still working. So how about listing your options, discussing them with your daughter and making a family decision about how to best "take care of" your Dad and still have a family life together. It does not make sense to impact the life of someone who has their whole life ahead of them in such a negative way for someone who is at the end of their. You can teach her compassion without subjecting her to such a negative environment.
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Your sister is letting your parents down.
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GET OUT!!!!!! Your mother would expect you to take care of your daughter first and yourself second. DO IT!
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Seniors should have a plan, that before they get dementia and become unmanageable, they should assign a relative to fly them to Europe, so they can have the option to be legally euthanized, so they wont be a burden on family. This is what I plan to do, before any conditions gets me, hopefully, knock on wood.
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I am working on some of these same issues with my husband as his caregiver. These older generation of men have been in control of themselves and others around them all their lives, they don't know how to let go and trust. Their illness and injuries make them feel and act miserable. While I do everything now for the home, he accuses me of not telling him things. So I make a point to talk with him about changes, even though he doesn't always remember, I am transparent always. That said, I have found new ways of caring for him by getting help. I took him to a Caregiver Support group with me and we sat together as I interviewed home care services. Trust is better perhaps as he agreed to try going to a Senior Day Center 2 days a week for four hours. I explained that I needed a break, even though I do it so he doesn't sit and watch TV all day. He has agreed to try it and I committed to not forcing him to go. He believes he is helping me and that maybe puts him back into his role of being in charge. He did not want to "ride the bus" but they pick him up in a little Prius (his "driver") All of it is free from a local respite grant, I make donations to them. At night he complains about going, that I'm pushing him into things he doesn't want to do, and in the morning he asks me "what's the program today?". I would suggest that you let him know that you are working on moving out soon and you want to help him stay independent as long as possible. Arrange for him to be around people other than yourself, who give advice and instructions. In a morning conversation or other time when he is more cheerful, talk about the specific things he needs help with and arrange for experts to come in. Let him have some control over the help he needs, even if he doesn't remember that you made plans together. You may find that he interacts positively with them. Envision a healthier life for you, your daughter and your father. You can ask/pray for and test your heart for making decisions that are best for everyone. God bless you in your good work!
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First, I want to address the first response to paraphrase, dad is angry, worried, whatever that he will get dementia and he will, this is not necessarily true, end of. I would get my own apartment and let the sister take over his care, another end of.
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I think you have done your very best. At this point it is not working -- if I were you I would consider finding a three-bedroom place and moving out pronto, making sure your dad knows if he ever needs to he can move in with you and your daughter and have his own room with total privacy to keep however he wants it. It's his life -- all you can do is stay loving and let him know he has a place to turn when he needs help.
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Hi,

You really need to leave in time, not today yet but soon, for your sake and your daughter's sake too. It sounds like you feel totally uncomfortable over there. If your father wants you out and you want the same, there's no good reason for you not to move out.

I would definitely pray about it. Also, I would look up and explain everything to your mother. I feel that she would want what's best for you and your daughter.

I'm glad that you can financially afford your own place. This means you don't have to be financially dependent on anyone.

If you choose to move out, tell your sister why you want to do this. Also, give her enough time to find good homecare for your Dad and or an assisted living facility since you don't think that she will move in with him. He needs help.

You, your daughter, and your father need peace of mind. If your father drinks this is not a healthy environment and you should not expose your daughter to this kind of environment.

Good luck to you!!! Do your homework, make sure your Dad has good care, and then move out and allow yourself to be happy.

Praise God that He is sending you these signals still in time so you can do something about this. Things could get worse and then you might really regret staying there instead of moving out.

God Bless,
Rubyinred
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Your guilt & rescue are signs to me that you come from a dysfunctional family like mine. I am learning through meetings that I attend several times a week that I need to focus on myself and build my self-esteem. Go to adultchildrenofalcoholics.org & read the 14 characteristics to see if you are one of us. Your family may be alcohol-free but are dysfunctional in other ways. These meetings are world-wide and have meetings and blogs online if there are no meetings in your area. I totally agree with all of the others that you must love yourself & your daughter enough to protect yourselves from abuse from ANYONE! Since so much damage has been done, you will need help to recover & become whole & complete. These meetings are only $1 each time you go; they are self-supporting & 0 cost online. God be with you through your journey!
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Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions. I am very open to constructive criticism and opinions that I've openly asked for but I'm very surprised to find some downright mean comments pointed in my direction! I get enough of that every day at home thank you very much. If I had all the answers I wouldn't be on here in the first place. I think I'm going to just keep my complaining to myself from now on. Thank you to those of you that were helpful though.
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Angy, hope you keep posting and let us know what's up. Sorry for any harshness.
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Angry I have read through all the posts and find it hard to identify harsh and judgemental comments and if you feel that is so I am sure they were meant to be constructive. You are in an extremely stressful and dangerous situation under the control of a man who is no longer capable of controlling his actions and may cause you, your daughter or pets extreme harm or even death at any time basically on a whim because he is so unstable. I can only speak for myself but I feel you are contributing to this hell on earth by remaining in this situation. I apologize if this sounds harsh. You father may have always been a very controlling individual and your mother suffered greatly at his hand but in those days he was still able to control his actions. Now that is probably not true and one misunderstood word from you will make that trigger happy finger on the gun just press a little too hard and he will do something he will never understand because of the dementia and probably never be punished for the same reason. He has lost his reasoning power along with other human controls and is confused and frustrated by this disease which he does not understand.
Bottom line he needs to be in a controlled environment where he can not harm himself or others. Before something tragic happens Dads care needs to be handed over to people who have the power to keep Dad and others
safe. It is better that it be done now rather than after the fact with a Swat team surrounding the house and him holding a knife to your throat. maybe I don't know what I am talking about but everyday similar situations unfold in TV and the newspapers and no one can understand why someone snapped so please please be safe. Everyone here wants what is best for your whole family but only you can do what you feel is right. come here often and ignore the comments you don't like
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I know that when I was in the thick of living with a narcissistic mthr I really was in denial of what was going on. Direct open communication was the only way to make me understand anything, even when I was in therapy and had already moved out 4 years before! Direct communication seemed harsh to me when I was not prepared to hear it. I've read through the responses and they seem pretty much fine to me, but that is after years of therapy~!

Please read the "most helpful" responses again. No one is trying to hurt your feelings, but they are not sugarcoating the advice either.
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But what do u do when she refuses to wash and hides her depends? She'll take the depend and hide it in her dresser. I've tried standing at the door to get the depend from her and I give her fresh one. I'm assuming that she is washing. She washes in cold water and wet it enough to wash her face. I've tried making her come back upstairs when I see that she didn't wash or change her depend. HELP. I am the only D-I-L home. Disabled and can't work. I tell you, I worn out. I can't take my daily meds cause the Dr. she told me she gonna wonder.
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