But she wont' talk to hem or come see them? My mother has advanced Alzhiemer's, she's on Aracept and is doing pretty good. Knows me, knows where she's at...
She thinks her mother is still alive. On advice, I have just been going along with it, telling her that her mother is out west visiting her sister, Lynn. Well now she's set it in her head that she's going to go spend a week with Lynn and "momma". She wants to CALL her momma..insists her mother was just there visiting a few weeks ago. (Her mother died twenty years ago. She has other siblings that have died and she accepts that)
I just don't know how to keep deflecting her when she pleads for her mom. It's so bizarre to me that she knows her brother is dead...and is fine with it...but can't accept her mother is dead.
How do you deal with this kind of situation?
Several people will rightly tell you not to upset them, because after all, they are going to forget about it anyways, just like they forget everything else. I have found that to be mostly true. After all, there is no sense for them to "grieve" again for their lost mother, when they are already confused and sad enough.
I have worked very hard not to lie to my mother with Alzheimer's, which is nearly impossible sometimes. My sister in law told me that she used to have some other woman call Alzheimer's patients and tell them they were their mother to calm them down. That sounds like a good idea, but I really don't want to do that.
I have been trying to navigate my mother on this very painful, difficult journey. I have been trying to make sure she can always trust me. So I really work very hard not to lie. I think it is easier to misdirect.
Once in a rare while, my mother is totally insistent on this. I ask her how old she thinks she is. When she is not sure, I tell her she is 83. That usually answers the question for her, without answering the question. But I really try to avoid discussing her mother.
When she brings up the subject, perhaps you can direct the conversation to her mother. "Did you ever play tricks on Grandma, Mother?" or "Did Grandma help you with your homework?" Maybe she would enjoy talking about memories. She certainly won't enjoy "the truth."
God I dread getting old...it's so sad..
It really is sad. :(
good luck to you in your journey..i guess all we can do is act on the moment with our parents and hope that what we do say fits.
After a month in the hospital, she was placed on 3 psychiatric drugs to eliminate the paranoia/delusions. Now, she rarely talks about live people being dead. I don't know how much of this is a result of just 'learning' not to do this because people 'might' place her back into the hospital. I do know she is now terrified of doctors because she believes that the 'doctor' put her into the hospital. (She was placed there because she believed she was constipated three separate times - she wasn't)
going) let it be.
I think everyone has offered very good suggestions on this really troubling issue for family caregivers. I think all of us don't want to upset our loved ones on this. I was very interested in twopupsmom's solution. I wonder if that would work for a mother as well as it would for a spouse. My sense with my 83 year old mother is that no one else in the house is her age (we are mid-50-60s), and even though she socializes with people her age at a day center a few times a week, she longs for the past when things "were different." I would imagine that it is easier to have a mother take care of you then your son, since you expect to take care of your children. Our mothers and loved ones are coping the best they can, and we just need to keep assessing how to care for them on a minute-by-minute, situation by situation basis. That need to be constantly flexible (while providing a routine?) is part of the real challenge of caregiving.
Just heartbreaking...I tell her "MOM! You know Rosie (her sister) won't let Granny go hungry! She's fine!!" and that does seem to reassure her but jeez...it's harder on ME than it is on her I think..I HOPE...
Preventing wandering is of course a priority and the home has to be secured so that is not possible.
The idea of the memory book is excellent as is any kind of redirecting or stuff like "Mama can't come now it her busiest time with garden" Direct questions should of course be answered thruthfull but difficult subjects not raised by the caregivers.
Remember also that when people approach death they do often see dead relatives at the bedside. Rarely seen by others but very real to the dying. So take them at their word and ask what they were wearing or something similar and follow it by redirecting to what you came into the room to do. These illusions are very comforting to the patient and some believe thay are spiritual guides from the 'other side' what ever your beliefs may be. It is a very different world to our elders and one that it is difficult if not impossible to enter.