My 90+ year old parent now lives in my home with a private suite and access to our entire home. They offered to pay me the same amount they paid for their independent apartment in a retirement community, in return for 24/7 care (all food, cooking, etc). Yes, the elderly parent can afford it. My sibling is furious and thinks I should do it for free or little to nothing, and keeps telling the elderly parent I'm "controling" them - which is not the case. It is causing friction even though the sibling does not want the responsibility and suggesting these monies be "deducted" from the estate when the elderly parent dies.
The amount I am accepting is less than what was paid for the apartment and $3000 less than assisted living.
Any thoughts out there?
It sounds as though there are some deep seated issues here between your sibling and you. It also sounds as if your sibling is very greedy. And you need to up your fee!
Secretsister is right, your parent should put this in writing. Notarize it.
Yes, this parent is absolutely aware of my sibling's feelings and continually listens to the sibling knocking me on most daily phone calls because I overhear some of the conversations. I simply go to the other end of the house not to hear. The sibling refuses to come to my house and visit their own parent.
And yes, I did draft up an "Arrangement Agreement" document that we both signed, including my spouse and did have it notarized. However, it was not drawn up by an attorney, but is rather thorough. Not sure of the tax consequences for me and plan to check that out.
And yes, there have been "issues" between us two siblings for years. I feel bad the sibling keeps putting our parent in the middle and tries to make life miserable, but the parent won't tell my sibling to stop talking junk. My parent is getting absolutely great care in a lovely home and environment and it makes me sick my sibling is such a thorn. They wanted our parent to go into a "nursing home" of all things or assisted living and pay triple what the parent offered to pay. (I'm trying to refrain from disclosing "he/she" or "mom/dad" to protect identities).
I am wondering if anyone out there is in a situation wherein a parent is living with an adult child and giving them money for their constant care? I am being made to feel I am the only one in the world who accepts an appropriate amount of money from an elderly parent for their care. It would be good to have facts about other families and how they pay for such care within the family.
You deserve many thanks and lots of hugs for doing what your sibling doesn't do! If your sibling has a problem with this tell her what my mother would ..."Take a long walk off a short pier!"
Best of luck to you!
In putting together actual numbers to present to my parent and sibling, I now have a small beginning with "1/3 of skilled nursing". I figure I cannot fight the battle without true facts. I don't want this thing going to court if my sibling tries to deduct cost of care from the estate when our parent dies. In preparation, I'm trying to figure out some sort of survey for adult children taking care of a parent to help my cause.
My sibling is totally jealous and self-centered; wherein I'm trying to focus on my parent's safety, well-being, and saving money. Very difficult to understand and reason with my sibling and it's almost pointless to explain anything.
Again - thank you all. Everyone sounds like they're involved in the 24/7 scenerio and it is A LOT OF WORK! Let's keep the strength and faith.
I have changed the locks on my parent's house, so my sis can't go in and help herself to the goodies. Why should she? I am looking out for my parent's future needs, and must protect their assets. Too bad if sis doesn't like it. She's nine hours away, and doing nothing for mom, so...she has no stake or claim on the homestead. Me, either. It's mom till mom doesn't need or want it anymore. Then, let the games begin. Ha! Too late! The state will get their share, as they are caring for dad in a long term care facility. My only concern is caring for my parent's needs. It's not my job to worry about my sister's "inheritance." I find it sickening to focus on that now, anyway. How about the daily grind? Mom getting back and forth to appointments, etc.? Where is the sibling then? Think about, and don't let them make you feel guilty. Take care.
Thank goodness we live in my house so I don't have to change any locks like you - unbelieveable! You as well - take care. I appreciate all your input. Thanks.
I don't see any problems with your parents giving you the income. What amazes me is siblings who don't want to take on the responsibility; however, they can be critical and judgmental of the one who is willing to take on the responsbility.
Thank you Cynthia for your response. It does indeed raise all the bills. My parent may be 92 but certainly has an appetite and is rather picky on some things. I was somewhat surprised with all the time and mental energy it takes with my parent living here. Everything revolves around them just like when my kids were small. But she is safe and well taken care of. But again - IT IS A LOT OF WORK.
In response to Monday. You did have some good ideas with the parent paying for an appliance, vacation, etc. and may work well with some families. My parent is too old to travel and I'm blessed to live in a lovely home not needing such things. I do need a $30,000 deck replacement but asking them to pay a portion just doesn't seem right. Using her monthly contribution goes toward the mortage, utilities, home & car insurance, food, transportation to MANY doctor appts, errands, etc. However, your suggestion for the parent to write a check at the end of the month and send it to my sibling who does NOTHING BUT CRAB would only enable self-centered behavior. My feeling is not one of "entitlement" like my sibling thinks - but rather a feeling of "having worked for it". So I cannot agree with you on that one and was surprised with the suggestion. My parent does not have that much money that it can be shelled out for no reason other than a jealous sibling. Hope that makes sense to you.
Thanks for the response, very interesting replies.
I'd have a hard time accepting money for an expensive deck, too. But money for gas for transportation, groceries, utilities, and the like are not unreasonable requests. Even housekeeping, medical or nursing care, etc., and things a visiting nurse would charge money for, as well as accounting services, laundry, and so on. Most people aren't trying to make their fortune off a parent, and are providing a legitimate service, that would otherwise be paid to someone else. Many children sacrifice their own time, jobs, and family activities to care for another. It should be a personal family decision, between the parties involved.
My children also help out around the house. I have posted on the board before regarding my sister and her attitude. I know she is resentful of the fact that I am living in my parents' home. She helps out somewhat, but nowhere near the extent that I do. She never calls me or asks how I or my children are doing, she just calls or emails to say she is coming to take Mom to visit at the home, which is two or three times a month. She will only help out if it directly benefits my parents and makes sure that they know about it.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that I consider the fact that I am not paying rent a form of financial compensation, and I feel I deserve it. I pay for groceries and cook all meals, I pay for household supplies, and also pay for a cleaning lady to come in twice a month as I am working full time.
I in no way consider myself taking advantage of my parents, but deep inside, I think my sister feels that way. It's very hurtful and I am sorry to say that when my parents pass, I see myself having very little to do with my sister.
In turn, she insisted on paying us $1000 per month for 'room and board'. My husband felt this was fair as she was paying over $1400 in rent prior to moving in.
I have no idea what the tax implications are, but I do know that taking her to the doctor, gym, store and a variety of other places, along with purchasing her food and essential toiletries, paying water bills, etc would otherwise be a financial burden if we did not have her funds to help out.
I see nothing wrong with your parents offering you money in exchange for a place to live. Security, comfort, peace of mind and the love you provide to them is priceless.
Just wanted to let you know that at least one other caretaker is in a similar situation.
My parent came to live in our house almost 2 years ago, requires 24/7 supervision and assitance. Would not be able to live in assisted living.
My historically difficult sibling had POA at the time. The sibling did not want any responsibility but wanted the parent to pay me $60/ month for the care! After several abusive phone calls my mother changed the POA to a third party and my sibling has refused to see the parent or allow the grandchildren to visit.
I am now given a monthly income which my parent can afford. My simplistic understanding is if this is not claimed as income, it is considered a gift and can be subject to the 5 year look back period.
I don't know why things have to be so difficult.
Does anybody see anything wrong with this?
Cleans, cooks, meds. I pay extra hours for shopping, doctor appointments, and any extra time needed. He is in his own home.
You offer 24/7 food, laundry, appointments, living space, and utilities..?!...
Take what your parent offers, she knows the deal, and it is sweet.
Understand that she is mom in the middle, and is trying to please a toxic daughter by hearing her out.
The best advice that I have gotten from this site is to not listen to noise. Put up a sound barrior, and when sister says something productive you'll listen.
Enjoy having Your parent in your home. She sounds like a good person. It's the last of the good stuff, and you are getting it.
That was how I felt about my grandparents. I will always have the memory of the good stuff. Maybe that is what your sibling is most upset about, but does not understand how, when, or why anything works. Socially unskilled? If your parent is 92, then your sister is over sixty at least. She won't be changing. Don't put your energy there. You won't be able to prove anything. She won't be listening.
Good luck.
Living in a parent's home and taking care of them - absolutely you should be able to live rent free. I would think a portion of the utilities and food also. Divide those expenses by the number of people who live in the house and your parent should technically pay their small portion. But sometimes it's good not to rock the boat and without a mortgage/rent payment you at least have some appreciation from your parent. It's like working a fulltime part-time job if you have a full time job away from home. Good - you deserve it - and I'm sure you and your kids are keeping the place from going down hill too with needed maintenance.
Each and everyone of you have explained appropriate situations in receiving monitary gifts when giving elderly care to a parent by an adult child. From the one whose mother-in-law moved in paying $1,000 to the one who's brothers are druggies. You have all reminded me that siblings don't always agree (never in my family), to tune them out, enjoy my parent as long as she's around, and to not feel guilty accepting a monitary gift. If the the parent would just take herself "out of the middle" a stop trying to appease or make excuses for the sibling who takes no responsibility but gripes, my life would be much more peaceful.
Thanks all and God Bless. This has been mental life-saver.
Again I will say - it is a lot of physical and MENTAL work, praying daily you do the right thing and trying to keep on top of their moods and health issues.
God Bless you for helping!
If your parents can afford it why not pay you? You are charging less for better care than any other option. Often people give up jobs to stay home and care for their parents. I agree this sounds like an inheritance issue for the other sibling. I'm glad it's in writing and notorized. That was very wise.
Carol
Any input would be appreciated.
I don't know where you live, but I live in a major metropolitan area with a population of over $1m for the city and surrounding suburbs. I checked into assisted living (which is less expensive than nursing home care) and the average cost is between $4000 -$7,000 a month. That's $48,000 - $84,000 yearly. Rural areas are approximately $2,500 to $4,500 a month.
I don't know how much you spent on "raising the roof" and adding a living quarters, but I'd imagine it was less than $84,000. Obviously, with your mom paying for the remodel, plus your home's value increasing - of which you will reap the benefits, your mom should not be paying any other expenses to you for quite some time; and then only for special needs items.
Having said that - remind your siblings that this "remodel" money would have been spent ANYWAY and that she will be able to live many years w/you. I assume she is safe, not abused, and well taken care of, which is something an assisted living center or nursing home cannot truly guarantee - at $48,000 a year or $84,000 a year - YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR, would amount to hundreds of thousands of dollars. It's a one-time investment using your mom's estate that will probably save much money in the long run. Besides, did any of them step up and offer to take your mom in and care for her?????
Suggestion: If something should happen within the first year to 18 months, and the estate needs to be settled, then it might be wise for your portion to be a "little" less because of the added value to your home. In other words, instead of each kid getting $10,000, may you settle for $8,000. Whatever the numbers suggest.
Hang in there. I understand how this could be perceived, but in the long run it's a win-win for everyone, your mom, siblings, and you having her close to look after her. Running back and forth between two residences is a pain and not good use of time or resources. There - I think I about said it all. Good luck and God Bless you for having a messed up house for a long time during construction.
It seems you have found the peace that passes understanding. May God work all things together for good. (Not meaning all things are good.) I pray you are vindicated and find many rewards awaiting you in heaven, for God is our judge. Thanks for sharing your story. Take care, and may our loving heavenly father comfort you.
Carol
people are jealous, not just family. everyone, esp. in these hard times. i'm so glad your parents love you and trust you enough to do this!