Is it right or wrong for an elderly parent to pay their child for care?

That's a compassionate response, Carol. And wise words, cece; bravo!

When I posted this discussion a week ago I had no idea I would get this many responses and stories so similar from across the country. It is a good feeling knowing that I'm not out on a limb by myself, but also quite sad and sick that siblings actually act out - especially with unfounded law suits. Just erks me to no end, but it is what it is.

Msdive - your experience is awful! You hang in there and like Secretsister, Carol and Cece all said, those of us giving loving non-abusive care for elderly parents are doing what's right in God's eyes and to heck with the complainers.

My philosophy has always been "I refuse to let a stranger treat me badly, why would I allow a family member?" If anything, family members should treat each other BETTER - not worse.

THANK YOU ALL I REALLY APPRECIATE THE KIND WORDS YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.. I HAVE NEVER BEEN TREATED SO BAD IN ALL MY LIFE BUT I LOVE TAKING CARE OF THE ELDERLY AND IT REALLY HURTS HOW MY FAMILY DID ME. THANK YOU VERY MUCH WHEN IM ALONE I SIT AND I TALK TO MY PARENTS I HAVE ANGELS ALL OVER MY HOUSE AND SOMETIMES I LOOK AT THEM I CAN SIT THEM ONE WAY AND I WILL GET UP THE NEXT MORNING AND THEY ARE TURNED ANOTHER WAY THATS WHEN I KNOW MY MOTHER AND FATHER ARE LISTENING TO ME I TOLD THEM THE AGING CARE WEB HAS HELP ME THROUGH THIS YR.. ALONG WITH MY FAMILY MY CHILDREN HEAR ME CRY ALOT SINCE MY PARENTS ARE GONE I TELL THEM DO NOT EVER TREAT EACH OTHER BAD WHEN IT COMES TO ME AND YOUR FATHER WORK TOGETHER YOU SEEN HOW UR AUNTS AND UNCLE DID ME PLEASE DO NOT DO EACH OTHER LIKE THAT.. THEY PROMUISE ME THEY WOULDN'T MY PARENTS TAUGHT ME ALOT OF RESPONSIBILITY AND THEY KNEW I WAS THE ONE FOR THEM TO BE THERE AND I WAS---THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU GUYS

dont feel bad ! i too get paid for takin care of my father in my home . i threw away 10 years of same job to take care of him , it is what he wanted to do and i fully accept it , the money i make from him pays my bills and theres nothing left for me to watch it grow . my brother who is poa pays me every month and thanked me so much for takin care of him instead of nursing home which cost triple and he dont get the best care there .
he needs one on one than sit and wait for hours till a nurse could take care of whatever he needs , often he would sit in his wet briefs for hours or soiled briefs , just nasty ..
of course he gets better loving care and pays my bills and buys my grocries and im all happy to be able to take care of him the way he wanted .

WELL UR LUCKY CAUSE FAMILIES LIKE MINES WAS VERY UNAPPRECIATIVE SO THATS GOOD FOR YOU KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND THATS VERY SWEET OF UR BROTHER AND UR FATHER

I think anyone that takes a parent into their home and gives them love and good care deserves every cent they get and more. They should receive more than just the expenses the parents create. If affordable, they should get enough above parents expenses to make life as easy as possible for the care giver. Care giving is a tremendous job, takes a lot of love, patience,and understanding and the last thing a care giver needs to a big mouthed sibling that constantly is shooting it off,
Good luck and may u be blessed with ever lasting patience. Dane

i am a caretaker and i get paid once a month for takin good care of my father . my brother is a poa and i tell you i am glad he is poa cuz all the family comin outof woodwork comes out and cries they having a hard time and wantin me to give them money . i told them i have no access to fathers acct you ;ll have to talk to my brother . well they dont dare to ask him cuz he is a ex marnies and a retired gerneral officer at prison . he sure can be very firm when it comes to money . he says everybodys is hurting for money . dad earn his money and its all his cuz he saved and saved for his golden years , need to hang on to it cuz if he gave it away he be broke !!! then what ?? think they would help him when he needs help , shit no ! i have ask them come and help me out with dad and i;ll pay you . oh no they come up with lame excuses ! ok fine no money !!

THANK YOU DAN AND IHARDBECK!!!!!(IM SHOUTING NOW) MY FAMILY IS NUTS AND (IHB) I KNOW WHERE YOUR COMING FROM ALSO BUT THE THING ABOUT MY OLDEST BROTHER HE WAS ONE THAT DIDN'T PAY BACK...HE OWE DAD MORE THEN ANY OF THEM BUT THANK YOU VERY MUCH

I have to say "God bless you" to everyone who has posted on this board in support of each other as he or she simply struggles to care for a parent or relative that can no longer live alone safely. I took care of my mother in our home for the last eight years of her life, she lived to 97 .... and my best advice is to find a way to focus on loving your parent, staying upbeat and remind yourself there will come a time when the dear parent has passed, and then you will be sad but at peace. It is a growing situation, that parent(s) have to turn to their adult children to help them physically as they age, and the adult children are acccepting the role of caregiver for a variety of reasons, including that the adult child is struggling in this economy, and the parent and the adult child have a discussion and say, hey it makes sense that you move in with us, Mom, and we share resources .... we get an additional income and you get 24-hour care, companionship, friendship, love, transportation, meals, laughter, pets, possibly kids around to distract you, etc....if your parent pays you, then you can draw up what is now called a "caregiver agreement" and it is quite simple, but can have tax implications for you .... as far as sibling unhappiness, you don't need to say anything when they get to asking you or complaining about any money issues ... just rise above it, if you parent can give you some money each month, fine .... just smile quietly with your siblings and say, if you want to take care of Mom, then please do, ... they won't / don't / cannot take care of Mom so don't worry! Find something to make your elderly loved one smile and laugh each day, and protect them from any sibling griping ... even it means preventing the sibling contact with the relative ... just do the best you can, and remember, it is an honor and joy to be able to even have your parent in your home, so it is a win-win situation for both you and your parent .... the money is a purely practical matter ... rather have you receive money for the care than strangers in a group facility! It is just a matter of what is practical and right when it comes to money ...you deserve any help you can get, even if it is only money and not sibling help! Blessings to you!

i often wonder if i would have to pay taxes to take care of dad and begin paid for it ? honestly his check to me goes to bills and there snothing left to save to pay taxes on it .. that kinda worries me . i
i started jan and it will be one year total for takin car eof him . last 2 years it was on and off cuz he would go back to fla and my other sister would watch him , so i didnt report it during those years but this year i will have to .
it would be great if i dont have topay taxes for what i earn , be silly to pay taxes on it when it all goes toward the bills ...

If your parent is willing to offer the money and they can afford it by all means take it. You are caring for an elderly parent which can be difficult and stressful as I am caring for my 88 year old Mom. Your siblings do not understand how hard a job it is.

if ur refering to me sept21,my siblings dnt understand nothing all they were worried about is how much money they were gonna get after dad passed and it a shame see they thought they were gonna get paid.and for what? they didn't help me do anything in these last 5 yrs but gave me headaches...but its over mom and dad is resting but the drama is still goin on.....on the 28th the house was offically sold and their lawyer sent us all letters and said "if you have any say about the sell please come to court..well i knew i wasn't going i did my part and i wasn't showimg my face up in there ..the will stated that the house to be sold.but they didn't followed along what my dad wanted so they all ended up with nothing except me that is and they still dnt know today what dad left me. they had court and the only one showed up is the one i knew would show up he needs money bad so he's mad at me and my oldest brother so he blowes up in the court room and got escorted out...this is what i call ghetto.thats what he gets see god do not like ugly and my family got what they deserved (NOTHING) and now they are all mad and i dnt care if they would have left everything alone they all would have got something but they didn't so they gets nothing...and i am so glad

Show me the money. Tell you sister she can take ma ma for every other week and you can split the money. That will shut her up. GIVE ME A BREAK. It's exhausting and changes your whole life. You deserve every penny. I spend 1500.00 month to care for my dad and i get zero help watching him or a red cent for that matter from my sisters. I get so annoyed when i hear the selfishnness from others. Sounds like you need to spend some of that money on a facial and a massage. God bless you.

I think it is right if your relative wants to pay you for their care and if your siblings have a problem with it tell them if she has to be placed it will be under medicaide and just to do an application you will have to pay a lawyer at least 5 hrs of his time upfront doing it yourself is impossible and when she is accepted into medicaide they will take every penny they can and there will be no inhertance to worry about because she will have spend down her own money until there is no more so they should be very glad that you are taking care of her and not chargeing 450.00 dollars a day which the nursing home would charge for minimel care-ask your sibling if they would take on the job-I am sure not so tell her to butt off.

Ismo: You are completely within your rights to accept payment for the work you do. It is as simple as that. Your parent is "renting" from you and compensating you for work that directly benefits him/her. Do you know what that kind of one-on-one care would cost? (that is, if you could find it?) As long as you are not charging beyond what is resonable in your area or asking your parents to subsidize you outside of caregiving...I don't see the problem. You have a contract...I would think that would protect you from the family vultures after your parent has passed.
I know what you are going through. My sibling just looks the other way while I provide care without payment. Mom's estate will be divided 50/50 and that's the way I want it. If my Mom should have to move in with me...then it is reasonable and fair to expect compensation.
As someone above said, try the "shared responsibility" approach. NO ONE knows what this is like until they walk in our shoes. I spend so much time beyond the time I use in direct care (ie, running errands, on the phone for her, shopping, etc.) It adds up.
Do not feel guilty...do not give into your sibs. rantings. As long as your parent is not accusing you of any wrong doing, just ignore the blather. If your parent buys into it, it may be time for him/her to relocate!
Good Luck
Lilli

You deserve everything you get for providing such good care to your mom....its priceless what you do! Keep walking to the other side of the house so not to hear all the negative stuff! But your parents should stand up to her. Maybe you should consult a lawyer making sure that everything was done correctly.

i get paid to take care of dad . nobody s complain cuz they know how much it cost for a nursing home , its cheaper for him to stay in my home rent free and pay me enough to pay my bills since i quit my job to care for him .
and my brothers and sisters all knows he will be taken goo dcare of and all the love he needs right under my wings .
the money i get paid usualy goes toward him if theres any left , if theres none left dad tells me to use his credit card .
so it all works out and am so glad i am not going thru what you folks are going thru .
while dad was in rehab my brother wasnt going to pay me cuz he s not in my home . i got upset and told dad i cant afford not to get paid , i am usualy at the rehab with him . he told me i should get paid even if he s in rehab and i told my brotherthat and no arugemnet about it he wrote out the check and mailed it right away . my brother is the poa ..
now i am wonderin about taxes comin up . would i have to pay taxes for the money dad gives me to help me with bills ?? i hope not cuz there is none left to save back for taxes after i pay th e bills ...

I am so glad to have found this thread. I am planning to
bring my mother home to her house soon from a nursing home/care facility.

She has been at the care facility basically since July - when she'd had a stroke. She recovered fairly well from the stroke, was getting around on her own although slowly. Then in early August she was sent to the hospital for some issues relating to kidney function. This episode really put her into a tailspin.

The hospital determined that she had a couple of kidney stones, one rather large one...but rather than deal with the stones themselves, they put in a tube to drain the kidney out of her back into a bag....with the intention of internalizing that tube directly into her bladder...later. That couldn't be done right away due to her having infection.

So she was discharged from the hospital, back to the same care facility. Since then, she has been to see the urologist that they use 3 or 4 times unsuccessfully...either no notes from the care facility about why she was there (she didn't know!), or not having the xrays, always something.

In the meantime, she has had some physical therapy, and occupational therapy but both have been discontinued because they don't feel she has enough cognitive function to improve. So, they keep her in a wheelchair, confined with a "lap buddy" to ensure she doesn't try to walk and then fall. They dress her and feed her and keep her in this chair most of the day.

My hope is that by bringing her home to her own house where she's lived for over 50 years, being in a more familiar environment will help a little with her confusion, and hopefully a lot with her emotional well being. My family will move in with her and I will be there 24/7 -- at least until we can figure out where her "base line" is for care....then look for maybe an adult day program so that maybe I can continue to work - at least some.

In the meantime, we still have our house to deal with. Not sure of course that our plan of action will be successful, although I am trying to be optimistic. I am counting on my mom being able to compensate me for my time. I took an FMLA leave from my job, but that won't give me income beyond my vacation time. My mom's tax person didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with this scenario when we had her taxes done. She even suggested my mom could "gift" us money, thereby making things easier. I did talk with a senior lawyer informally, who STONGLY suggested against this due to the lookback period. But she did say that my mom could pay me for my time provided it was "reasonable".

She suggested that I should attempt to find out what home care aides are paid hourly in my area and pay myself something close. I don't know how to get this information, but I DO know that whatever amount my mom would pay to me, it would be no where near what she's been paying where she is.
I don't have any siblings to bicker with me over wasting away mom's money, just big brother to worry about if the need for major care ever comes up down the road. It's hard to imagine that it could be looked at as anything but trying to do the right thing.

I should add that I most definitely qualify as a member of the "sandwich" group as well. I am 40, my mom is 80, and my 4 daughters are 15, 12, and almost 10.

Sorry to rant on and on with my very first post here, but just looking for any words of wisdom or advice -- sounds like you all were at one point where I am now....just wondering if I really have a grasp on what we're in for...anything you wish you would have done differently?

Hi, I get paid to caretake my mother (as opposed to a facility) and by doing so I am saving the estate thousands. Try to appeal to your sisters greed by telling her that the savings is going to come back to her as a larger inheritance. Good luck

Mine is even better.

I moved into Mom's house because it was easier for her. I reduced my hours at work to accommodate Mom. I have done this for almost 3 years. The only money I accept is $200 a month for food/supplies. I pay for some of the bills and mother pays for some. Recently Mom has asked me to pay the utilities. Mom is still needing 24/7 care. She doesn't need any financial help. She is under the impression that I am here as a room mate. My husband and kids are still living at my home. I am here to take care of her because she doesn't want to live in a NH, and she can't live alone. UGH. I told her no and now she is pouting and being nasty again.

Sad. Can't cure nasty. Has she always tried to run the show? Wow, doesn't your family miss you?

Yes, they miss me. I've tried to get her to move into our home, she won't have it. She thinks she will get better and "beat this thing". Weekends the family comes and stays here. The kids hate it, and I can't blame them. They want to hang out with their friends, and mom hates having strangers in her home. Thank God I have a great immediate family! The kids and Hubby are still very supportive.
I just don't understand her thinking.

I also feel that if the parent can afford to pay their way, then by all means they should. If they didn't pay you, they would have to pay someone or go live in a facility.

Every situation is different and until the deadbeat siblings walk a mile in your shoes, they should stuff it! The fair thing would be that siblings divide the care equally and divide the estate equally. That isn't going to happen, but I would tell them that their shift is Date to Date and if they can't come and cover, they need to provide a suitable replacement for that time and to pay for it out of their own pocket, as they think your time is free. If they don't want to do that then they can expect to receive less inheritance.

I wish more parents would plan for their care as well as they plan their wills. Mom did a good job telling everyone in the family who would take care of her, how they would take care of her and when she dies, how she wants her estate distributed. Doesn't mean her family liked it, but end of life brings out the worst in everyone I think.

I had a a lot of problems with this when I was taking care of my mom. Mom did not formally pay me for taking care of her, but she did buy things for me before we had to go on assisted living. My sister accused me of accepting bribes when mom would do things for me. My own health was not very good, so eventually we did have to go on assisted living and after that she did not have much money left over to do things for me. The only big item she helped me pay for was my computer. I had been living with my sister and had been using one of her computers. I do a lot of genealogy work on the computer, so it was important to me to have one.

I noticed that even when my mom would compliment me for the way I had been taking care of her, my sister would get upset. Probably jealous that I was getting all the compliments. Even now with mom in a nursing home, I have to tell mom don't do that in front of my sister. My sister works 60 hour weeks and is not able to come and visit every day and spend time with mom at the nursing home.

Eventually I got worn out from taking care of mom 24 hours a day, and mom starting falling in the apartment, so she is now in a nursing home. At first she was really upset about being in the nursing home, lashed out at both me and my sister. I try to visit almost every day and spent some time with her, as I do not work and am on disability. There is a lot of tension between my mom and my sister, and I have to live with my sister now due to financial problems. A lot of times I get caught in the middle when my mom and my sister don't get along. However, in the interest of trying to keep peace in our family, I am trying to not let it upset me, and realize that I can't please everybody all the time.

You deserve every penny of the amount that is paid to you!!!
Your elderly relative is going to get worse as time goes by. ...and that's a fact!

I just had my m-i-l leave a big glob of a present in the b/r (bathroom) (all over the toilet, sliding down the b/r toilet, and a rather large glob and there was dried on poop all over the inside of her legs, DEPENDS du and her pj bottoms) the other day. This is the first time I can write about it without getting sick. FUN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Actually, YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the other days, I sat her down on the toilet, handed her tp and told her to wipe her vagina and butt with it and throw it in the toilet. "Where's the toilet?" she asked. I answered, "You're sitting on it." Then she asked, "Where's my vagina and butt?"
I answered, "Down below." and pointed to the area. Then she said, "Uh-na, (pointing) it's over there on the table." I said, "It's part of your body!" So, you see, you DESERVE all the money you are being paid!!! ...because it will get worse.
Do they even bother to come over and give you a much needed and well deserved break??? Until they do, what they say shouldn't even matter!!!

If it is easier for you, talk to her doctor about getting a care conference organized to talk about her care.

My m-i-l had to go into the hospital and they had a care conference (social worker, nurse, doctor on call at the hospital, primary care physician and DPOA (Durable Power of Attorney) and everyone came to the conclusion that she was a fall risk and couldn't live by herself any longer. She went into the assisted living facility--she didn't like it. We were able to take her in, so we did. ...but she's getting to the point where we are not going to be able to handle her much longer at home. It's time for a nursing home when she can't feed herself, and is bedridden.
We've invested in a carpet cleaner. ...but it's not good for the fibers in the carpet to be cleaned more than twice a year. ...but it's not healthy if we don't clean it up. We're going to need to replace the carpet sooner than originally planned.

I think eventually your mother will have to face reality, unless your husband and kids are okay with years of this separation. You have done an amazing amount to care for your mom. How long can you do this? Please don't let guilt over your mother ruin your marriage. Good luck. Only you can make the decision that is right for you and your whole family.
Carol

lach 61, I can identify with the bathroom issue, the last time I took my mom on a trip, for a surgical procedure 500 miles away from home, right at the last minute before we were going to leave the motel room to go home, she totally messed up the bathroom. I sure got nasty looks from the maid who was trying to clean it all up as we were leaving, I apologized to her and left her an extra tip. Then we got in the car, a six hour drive to get home, and we were stopping every half hour at the rest stops to change the Depends. No wonder my nephew told us he would never take us to another doctor apointment out of town. Then when we moved her into the nursing home, the apartment manager could not get all the junk out of the carpet from the problems she was having at home, so they took $300 off of our deposit refund. I even found dirty depends she had junked in the cabinet underneath the sink, of course we got charged for dmaage to the cabinet from the moisture. I was hoping that I could take care of mom on my own, but the bathroom issue and her falling down in the apartment got to be too much for me, in addition to her constant demands and trying to use me as a dormat for all her emotional problems after her boyfriend died. Even in the nursing home, I can only stay so long and she starts up on me, wrapping her little finger around me, I do not think she will ever understand why she is in the nursing home, even tried to sue us for putting her there.

awwwwwww. Makes me so sad for her/you, and "them." My heart goes out to those failing, at any level. Each of us struggle, with something... So glad we can come here to vent!

I too am caring for my Mother who suffers from Alzheimer's. My Brother is only worried about what will be left in the end. He even went as far to suggest I pay myself double and put half away for him. He has only visited 2 times in the year that I've had her. He only lives 45min. away. I have been beating myself up thinking I was doing something wrong by paying myself. She requires 24 hr care and my family and I have given up so much to take care of her. My Elder Law Attorney suggested it be called room and board for tax purposes. That makes me feel like I really am doing something wrong! I know she would want me to be compensated and I am saving her a lot of money. So, when the time comes that I can no longer take care of her she will have the finances to pay for the best care.