Need some support and advice. For background, my grandmother has six children (60s, four are here and two live out of the country). All well established, can retire from their jobs if they wanted to. They have been asking us, the grandchildren, to stay overnight often from 4pm to 9/10am the next day or 12 hour shifts, asking us to come at 9pm at night (which is just terrible timing) because the one caregiver wants to work 9a-9p. They didn’t want to hire help overnight because of how much it costs and it would be out of their pockets but has two caregiver during the day/they alternate (since Medicare covers some costs and they pay the difference)
Has anyone had experience with this? I have a family of my own, husband and a one year old toddler and I live an hour away with our own business that is growing, I’m in my late 20s. I was willing to help at first because my mom had been in the hospital with her and caring for her, prior to her injury often coming to visit 4-5 during the week while the other sisters only came during the weekends or when it was convenient. Now it’s growing on me taking care of my grandmother and I’m starting to resent my aunts. They ask us to help out and guilt trip us into committing to care of her overnight while they only take the shifts/hours easiest for them. Grandma is not the easiest as she has always been stubborn prior to her injury.
Two of grandchildren are only in their 20s and other one has a life of her own, career and business.
It seems more of an expectation from my aunts for us to help out while there are options they’re not willing to exercise & they aren’t willing to change their lives to take care of their mother. My mom is retired so they also expect her to come during the week and handle most of grandma’s affairs.
I’m at a loss and I don’t want to be resentful yet the nights I’m here I can’t sleep and I’m exhausted the next day all because Grandma won’t pee in her diaper so she wakes up multiple times to pee, she has a back brace she has to put on and won’t call us for help, we have to almost stay awake. It’s only been one day a week but this week turned into two, next week is two days back to back because one of the aunts decided to take a family trip, the rest of the month I’m doing once a week. I feel like I shouldn’t complain but I want to be able to live my life with my own family..
Any advice would be awesome.
Who are these aunts? Your mom’s sisters? It’s THEIR mom! Why are they guilting you about caring for THEIR mom?
It is very sweet of you to pitch in when it is convenient for YOU but it should NEVER be expected from you. Especially, that many hours, including overnight!
I was involved in grandma’s life as her granddaughter. I adored her.
She was cheerful and never expected me to do more than I offered to do.
Grandma was blessed to be in fairly good health.
She was able to remain independent until the end of her life.
She simply dropped dead. I wish we could all exit the world like she did.
I helped with my husband’s grandmother when my mother in law became ill with lymphoma.
Her mom was not pleasant to be around and tried to demand more and more. I said, NO to her excessive demands and she had no choice but to hire caregivers to help her. She could afford to pay for it.
Tell your aunts to arrange for outside help or to place them in a facility.
They have asked me, especially the one aunt who is just a hateful person, to make Tuesdays my days and not change. No one including my mom isn’t saying anything, I felt like I had no choice but to say yes and they are expecting me from 3pm to 9am the next day on “my day”.
Wow yes, your grandma was blessed for sure. I wish we all too could go in peace but we reap what we sow in life.
There is no nice way to tell them it’s unfair for them to ask us even if we are willing, I just hate confrontations.
I care for my grandmother but I’m not closer to her, it’s just over the last few years after my grandpa passed, she sat alone. I felt bad so I would take her out when she was able and before COVID to lunch once a week but it’s hard for me to stomach these overnights especially after her fall. I’m not one to just sit by so I do make sure she is cleaned and changed the nights I’m here, cleaning the house since there are too many people in and out in my opinion.
Who (I mean, what one person) makes the key decisions about your grandmother's care and wellbeing?
This is most unfair to you and your cousins.
Please find a way out of this. They have the means to pay and it is not your responsibility. Do not feel guilty.
You have every right to decide for yourself - IF you can help (or not), when & how.
Explain what you are willing to do to the Aunt in charge. She will either take it on the chin & respect you or step up her guilt campaign.
Ether way, you are an adult now. Be honest. This will hopefully lead the way to real adult relationships with your Aunts & Mother. Send the message that the days of telling you what to do are over.
(When my Mother tried to order me about recently, I asked her if she liked being bossed around? Wide eyed NO. "Well. Neither do I").
First question first. Is your grandmother of sound mind? By that, I don't mean is she practical and wise about everything, I mean is she able to understand the factors in a decision and the consequences of this or that course of action? For example, a person can perfectly well understand medical advice to wear her back brace at all times when she is weight-bearing and yet not bother to put it on when it's inconvenient - that doesn't make her demented, it actually makes her pretty normal.
Let's assume that she is of sound mind. If so, if there is no mental impairment, then she is responsible for her own care. If she insists on getting up at night without calling for help or putting on her brace, the consequences are HER consequences and she must live with them.
That is not to say she is not entitled to the same loving care and support as any other matriarch. Of course she is. But there are ways and ways to organise that care effectively, and a bunch of aunts flapping about like wet hens and bullying other family members into providing it is not a good one. Not good for your grandmother, that is, let alone for the family members.
Is there one family member whose advice your grandmother is more apt to listen to than anyone else's?
You've met my Mother then...?
First of all, ‘keeping the peace’ stuff NEVER works! EVER!
The only thing that ‘keeping the peace’ attitude does is work against you by setting yourself up to be taken advantage of.
I grew up in a family that had that mentality and it made me crazy!
All it teaches is how to suppress feelings. I spent a long time in therapy learning how to deprogram that type of ‘keep the peace’ nonsense out of my life.
The stress and exhaustion are going to catch up with you.
Tell your mom, aunts and anyone else, NO MORE!
You don’t have to be their doormat. You deserve to live your own life.
Step away entirely! If you give them an inch they will want a mile!
Do not be concerned what the others do. They are not your responsibility.
Set the example for them to follow that it’s okay to say, NO MORE!
Often all it takes is one strong person to stand up and then others find strength to follow. Take that lead! I have faith in you to do this. You already took the first step by reaching out for help.
If your cousins don’t follow your lead, that is their choice.
Best wishes to you and your family.
By the way, Medicare does not pay for aides. The only time it does is if a person has been in the hospital or rehab. Usually its just therapy or woundcare where in home services are provided. Even then, an aide only comes out about 3x a week. Once therapy is done, wound healed, the person is decharged from the services. If Gmom is getting aides its maybe Medicaid you mean. If so, then Gmom has no money to pay addition aides.
Again, tell them that as of Monday, (or whatever day you chose) there will be no more. Make sure you are at your own home with your husband and child on Christmas; they can deal with grandma.
For you to stay up all night and then have to work the next day is too much to be expected. It's possible you could do a night prior to your day off, but not on nights before a work day.
I totally understand that it takes a 'family' to handle caregiving for a person, but not all family members can provide this service. The aunts need to consider others who go to work each day. -
On the flip side of that, those who are trying to do the caregiving need respite as often as other family members can provide. For the very reason you pointed out. When you are trying to do this job and never really getting quality sleep, burn out comes quickly. I've been at it for about 5 years with, at the most 2 weeks a YEAR relief. I'm tired and I get a little frustrated when the others call or visit and talk about the week/weekend they spent at their second home, on a trip, visits/shopping/lunches with friends. Even something like they are painting/landscaping/getting things done at home when I haven't been able to do those things at my own home that is 200+ miles away. Kind of like someone borrowing money from you, doesn't pay you back and then tells about all kinds of things they've done that required money. So, be generous with your time to offer respite even if you have to give up a fun day to do it.
IF and this is a huge IF you can coordinate CG among grands who WANT TO HELP, good for you, but if they are as busy as all my nieces and nephews, it would be an absolute non starter.
I just see this as being very difficult and could cause a real rift in the family. It sure would in mine.
But--whatever works for all of you---every family is different.
BTW-During COVID, wouldn't this be pretty daunting to coordinate?
Say "I'm sorry but I can't physically or mentality do that any more." Period. Repeat as often as necessary until it sinks in. Step back completely and don't show up. Maybe then they will take it seriously and make any one of numerous OTHER arrangements/options. Not your circus, not your problem.
Also, make sure that your parents make plans for their own future that doesn't have you doing full time care.
All the best
Hugs 🤗
Is this what you want and are willing to do? My best wishes and a big hug to you.
You can offer to help in other ways, by cooking meals, driving them places etc. but you set the terms of when and how often. I don't think it is a bad thing to try to get the younger grandkids involved because it is an important learning opportunity BUT they shouldn't be relied upon without being paid. When my in-laws started their rapid downward cognitive spiral I enlisted my sons (then older teens and early 20s) to help deliver food, drive them to appointments and "fix" their remote (a daily occurrence) but I assured them there was an end in sight as we were buying time as we scrambled to figure out a final solution for them. I made a point to thank them profusely and pointed out what a loving thing it was for them to be willing to participate without grumbling. Now when it is our turn to need some help my sons will at least be somewhat familiar with what senior needs can look like and how to treat the elderly with compassion.
But no one should be "assumed" into caregiving (paid or unpaid) on an ongoing basis -- it's immoral and unethical to do so. I wish you success in diplomatically navigating this situation.
As others have suggested ,
This is not OK!!
You're family needs you at home.
You're family needs you to be healthy and not totally stressed out. (As if having a toddler isn't stressful enough! Lol)
You're wise to realize that this situation is only going to cause resentment.
Many of us are older than you and caring for our parents, Aunts, Uncles etc... and we still feel resentment.
Praying that your parents can find a solution that doesn't involve you and your siblings!!