I lived next door to my parents for most of my adult life. My Mom cooked dinner for the three of us every day. We would go fishing together and do numerous things all of my life as a family. My Dad and I were business partners. He never wanted to be retired so I always allowed him to work at my office or hang out every day. I have spent so many years with my parents always at my side and seeing them every day of my life. I can not adjust now that they are both gone.
Based on my experience, I can only offer this: When you think about the good times you had together, savor them for what they were, and try not to think about how much you miss them. Easier said than done, I know.
And my experience? My beloved FIL and MIL died within two weeks of each other. My FIL was 92, had Alzheimer's, and had been in a facility for 10 months before he passed away, so his death was pretty much expected; nevertheless, he was a wonderful, accomplished and very funny man who definitely made his mark on my life in the 8 years I had known him, and it was hard to accept his passing.
My mother-in-law can best be described as "an Angel on earth." She was unfailingly sweet, patient and diplomatic - simply put, a remarkable woman. When I first met her, she quite literally welcomed me with open arms (and a bone-crunching hug, despite the fact that she weighed barely 90 lbs). She never had a bad thing to say about anyone, and always found something nice to say about everyone.
She cared for my FIL until she reached the age of 87, and after he went into the facility, she visited him daily until her own strength began to fail, just a few weeks before he died. Two days before she passed away, she called to ask my advice on how to word a "thank you" note to my husband's boss for the lovely floral arrangement he sent for FIL's funeral. She unexpectedly entered the hospital the next day, and died less than 24 hours later. I always thought that she held herself together just long enough to fulfill her social obligations, and after she did that, she gave herself up to God.
Her passing was quite a shock to all of us. I felt it more keenly, or perhaps a little differently, than the rest of the family, because I had known this beautiful woman for just a few short years. Every time we visited my in-laws, I was filled with peace and happiness. I had soaked up as much of that goodness as I possibly could, and I didn't want to give it up.
I grieved for many months after losing these two wonderful people. It's been almost a year and a half since they left us, but I can now remember them with more happiness than tears, reliving the many sweet and funny moments we shared. I know that's the way they would want it, and as devout Christians, they would want us to be happy, knowing that they had gone on to the glory of heaven.
You were blessed to be part of such a close-knit, loving family for so many years. That's a very difficult thing to give up. Take solace in remembering all of the good things. And remember that, should you still have great difficulty in accepting your loss, there is grief counseling out there to help you. I wish you all the best.
Do you have any friends/interests outside of your business? Do you have clients with whom you can connect in a social way? Do you have a faith community?
((((Hugs)))))
I often wish I did not have any brothers. They are no help or use to me. They both have their own families and children so parents are thrown to the curb including myself. All I can say is that you will have to try to forge your OWN life. Seek company of friends or cultivate new ones. It also helps if you have to work because the bills never stop and it will force you to connect with people.
I try to keep myself busy busy with work, friends, activities and pets.
I will I’ll never get over my loss but I am learning to live my new normal. Our parents loved us so much that I know they want us to be happy.
sending gentle hugs.
I never knew my parents as an adult, they both died when I was young. They died 4 years apart.
You were lucky that you got along. I read so many posts here and talk to people that have problems with their parents so it is a blessing when I read a post like yours.
Your parents did a wonderful "job", isn't it the job of a parent to raise a functioning, responsible, thoughtful, caring child?
Take what you got from them and pass it on.
Volunteer.
Find a passion you all had and share it. Or find a new one.
Big Brothers or Big Sisters need volunteers.
Local schools need help in many ways form helping teachers with projects to tutoring children.
Animal shelters need help.
Hospitals need volunteers
Hospice facilities need volunteers. (Medicare requires that a certain % of hours are volunteer hours)
Whatever you did with your Dad for work there must be some opportunity to help others. (a CPA can help seniors do taxes, a Lawyer can help in many ways, a contractor can help arrange "handyman" service, you get the idea.)
You need to find a new "normal" for you.
And just from what you wrote my suspicion is your parents loved each other very much. It is common for couples that have been together for many many years to die within a short time sometimes hours but often within the year.
(((HUGS)))
Be grateful. Not only for the wonderful relationship you had, but also that you did not have to watch your beloved parents suffer from dementia in any of its awful forms. If your parents passed away peacefully within a few months of each other, that is one of the greatest gifts their lives could have given them, and you.
I am watching my mother deteriorate day by day. She is a prisoner of her failing brain and suffers terribly from delusions and hallucinations. My dad passed away a year ago and he was the center of her life. I live with her and take care of her, but nothing fills the void he left. She is unhappy and miserable every day of her life. And I am helpless to do anything that will ease that pain, other than give her all the loving care I can.
Many people on this board have stories that are much worse than mine. Dementia is a terrible, cruel way to live out one's days. Please take comfort in knowing that you and your parents did not have to suffer through that and were able to enjoy your lovely and loving relationship to the very end of their lives.
I lost my BIL of 50 years, a week later I lost my DH, and the following week my sister told me she was leaving the state to live by her son. So, in 3 weeks, I lost 3 people that were very important in my life.
I cried, I was devastated and alone. I asked God to bring me a companion and told him I had to have a companion the day after DH passed or I wouldn't make it. The morning after DH passed, I got a phone call about a dog needing a home desperately and Bubba has been my companion ever since. I had my grief and he came with emotional problems; separation anxiety and abandonment issues. It took us both 7-1/2 months to come to terms with our separate issues - but we did it.
God sent me an animal that was afraid and/or unwilling to go out by himself. This made me get out of bed, get dressed and walk him 4X daily. Without him I would not have gotten out of bed and I would have followed my DH of 33 years. BTW, DH was 96 to my 66 - so it's not like it was my time to pass. But I felt I had nothing to live for. Bubba helped me to keep moving.
There's help and hope out there for you - but you will have to go look for it or ask for it.
I am sorry for your losses. It's always difficult saying goodbye to those we love.
I think moving would be a good idea. Maybe have a realtor come in and tell you what changes may help to sell your house quickly. Sometimes you put too much into it, you don't see a return. It may just need a facelift. I just replaced my counters in the kitchen and it changed the whole kitchen. Bathroom new vanity. Paint does wonders. Clutter too. Once house is up for sale, start cleaning out. I started with things I never used. Then went back and it was am I ready to get rid of this. Our Churches have yardsales so I donated to them. We have a thrift shop that supports a school, they got some stuff. There's also We buy Junk people.
I would look into an independent living complex. The one near me has cottages or apartments. Your meals are supplied in the cost. Activities, bus trips. Transportation if you need it. You can transition into an AL and then a NH. My Aunt lives in a community like this, and she has a 2 bedroom house in Fla.
You could always get a p/t job. One with no stress. I always thought working in an antique/collectable shop would be neat. Volunteering, could work in a shelter if u like animals. I just read that some hospitals are looking for people to help calm babies born addicted to drugs by rocking them. We just had a woman start up a weaving business. Learn something new. Go back to school for courses. My cousin is 72 and works 3x a week for a few hours for a doctor. She is a widow. Its all up to you but you have to take those baby steps and go from there.
How healing and soothing would that be for both baby and volunteer.
Separation is a cruel illusion. Their FORM has changed, but not their presence.
If you stay tuned in, you will notice many times that they indicate they are still close-- a song, a smell, an old birthday card that you run across, a dream that "seems" so Real. Guess what!
Can you tell us a little more about yourself? You sound so lost right now, and you are deeply heard. You need a real hug and something to look forward to. Do you hanker to travel? Do some art? Keep a diary or journal? It is hard, as adults, to find people willing to take on a new friend, as we get stuck into habit patterns, BUT I moved to a new city when I was in my 40's and I found that persistence and a few invitations to my house for dinner got me started. Now I have 2 dear friends and a bunch of nice friends/aquaintances.
I wonder if there might be a grief support group in your area that you could attend? Finding people who are going through it, and that you can befriend, would be so comforting. Also, reading books about coping with grief might help.
You need to find some comfort, and joy will follow. Cyber hugs and support from this group is always a keyboard click away.
It will pass. There are people out there who’d like to be friends and there’s people who need you. You just haven’t met them yet.
But, you are grieving and it takes time and energy to deal with that. There’s good advice offered about reading about your situation. That really can help. There’s some great authors out there. I liked Gael Lindenfield, but you’ll find your own guiding lights.
Be kind, be patient and, when the time is right, be optimistic. Your parents love isn’t wasted- you get to pass it on to someone else!
All best wishes. Xx
When my mother died, I was shocked by the hole in my life. From living in her house and nursing her 24/7, with medical people in and out frequently, there was suddenly nothing. I lost her, but also a big group of people who were important to me and vice versa. I had seen very little of other people for some time, and found friends quite hard to relate to. Building and rebuilding contacts wasn’t easy, or even attractive and relevant.
At the same time, there was no-one to talk to about her. My ex-husband wasn’t interested, my sisters lived a long way away and went home quickly, I didn’t want to upset my young daughters. Perhaps I was almost as isolated as you are being an only child. The recurring thought ‘I must ask Mum about that’ had no answer.
I had a bad three months, but then managed to get a place on a 6 week camping holiday to places I had never seen before. New things to look at and think about, new people to ‘explore’, turned the corner for me. I still have the ‘must remember to ask about that’ thought 20 years later, doubled now that my ex-husband died last year. There seem to be more things than usual that prompt it, which is a bit odd.
I have learned to be very sympathetic towards people who have lost their loved one, along with all the other people who made up a crowded busy stressful life. I also realise more how lonely life becomes in old age when there are progressively fewer people who share your memories.
I hope that you feel better as soon as possible, and also hope that you can manage (financially as well as emotionally) to get away and bring new things into your life. Best wishes.
I am an only child too, my dad passed away in 2006 and throughout all my life I’ve been very close to my parents, even in the distance. It concerns me greatly and scares me how I will feel and survive in a moment when I’m the only person left from our small family; I know the pain will be unbearable and the loneliness absolutely tangible, yet the only thing that comes to mind that I believe could help me is CHANGE. Staying in the same place, reliving memories, feeling lonely will just be cruel and pointless.
So my advice to you is start changing everything, move somewhere else! If you can’t leave the city (I actually would move to another State!) at least move to another house in a different neighborhood. Find within yourself something that motivates and excites you and move your life towards that! If you can change your line of business, change it, change CHANGE!
Look at this as an amazing opportunity start fresh. Both of your parents would support your changes, I am sure.
And lastly yet never last.. if you are a believer hold on to your faith! Put in God’s hands your pain, He will return peace in exchange.
A sincere hug to you!!
Hugs
I am so sorry for your loss. I know that no amount of words or condolences could talk away the grief and loneliness you feel right now. But this website is a wonderful place to go for help and comfort. Take adantage of it as much as you need to.
I lost my mother and father very close to one another. My father's death was not unexpected. My mother however, other than suffering from ALZ, we thought was healthy. Her sudden death was devastating to me. Here are a few things that helped me through that terrible time in my life.
I got a journal. Everyday I wrote a letter to my mother and my father. Sometimes even more then once a day. I would write about my day, my feelings, and my emotions. Tell them all the things I could no longer share with them in person. I am not going to lie to you. At first it was not easy, and I shed many many tears. But with the passing of time and with each letter I began to be able to deal with my pain and loneliness. It was very theraputic to me.
Another thing that was helpful to me was daily Bible reading. Death can be very trying on a person's faith, no matter how strong. Prayer definetly helps, as we talk to God, but to recieve the comfort that he promises we have to let him talk back to us by means of his word. Two of my favorite scriptures were Psalm 37:18; "God is close to the brokenhearted; He saves those who are crushed in spirit", and Psalm 147:3; "He [God] heals the brokenhearted; He binds up their wounds." There are several more of your own favorites I'm sure you will find.
Taking up a hobbie, especially one that involves helping others, is also very beneficial. It takes your mind off of your own pain and gives you a positive outlet to help you deal with things. I got involved in a Volunteer Bible Education work and a Volunteer Disaster Relief program to help people after Hurrican Harvey. See if there are any programs you might be able to get involved in nearby where you live.
I hope these suggestions help you and bring you some comfort. Please keep reaching out in this forum. I received so much love, help and kindness during my time of grief. Knowing others have been where you are, that they understand you feelings to a certain degree, and that they want to help you can be very comforting. Online friends my not be the best friends at times, but I cherish the ones I have made here. My prayers are with you.
It will not cure your grief, but it will give you perspective. It won't cure loneliness but you may develop some new relationships or friendships as a result.
Another suggestion is taking an art class. Keeping your hands and mind busy can be a huge relief from your thoughts. I highly recommend ceramics and wheel throwing.
Do ANY activity that you like and will do, could be yoga, or gardening, baking, hiking.
Join a group. Sierra Club. Biking group. Book club.
Find a constructive pursuit and immerse yourself!