They are self-sufficient but they want to sell their home so my Mom will be taken care of if my Dad passes on. They have been supporting my brother who is 57 since he as been 18. We have been paying their mortgage to help them out for 10 years. My brother threatens our lives if my Dad doesn't pay his bills we are all scared. So my brother has made my parents broke and that is why he needs to sell his home to get money to live for the rest of their remaining lives. This is not to spend on having fun. This is to survive. They will be renting their home out and staying with us for 4 months, but my Mom and Dad want us to take them in for good. They said that I always told them if you need to sell, then do it, but that was before they got a dog. I have a dog too who is petrified of their dog. I really feel bad for him, so I thought they can just stay a few months and then give my dog a break. Also, my husband and I feel like we are still dating after 27 years. We don't mind them spending time together we get along and love them deeply, we have never gone on a trip without them, we lived with them years ago for 3 years and when they rent too. My parents want to be with us and miss us during the rest of the year but we also vacation with them at their home for 5 weeks out of the year. My Mom said I should feel guilty for not letting her stay with us and I'm assuming she also means not helping them do that in order to sell their home. I told her I like some privacy for half the year. My husband and I like to watch our own movies on the weekends. They would have to retire the bedroom early in the evening if we were to do that. Then we like to talk for hours after dinner (which we enjoy them too when they are here), but we also like to have that time by ourselves. I live outside of D.C. and the only apartment that they could live in for the amount we are paying is 3 hours away. I wouldn't do that to them and they wouldn't want that either and they certainly don't need a nursing home. I guess my wanting a little privacy with my husband will not be for long because their money is running out. My Mom knows that I like privacy I even played by myself with no friends when I was young. I love them so much, but I just like my own space just for a short time. My Mom and Dad are so hurt that I don't want to live with her all of the time. She has always said we would never mind if you moved in with us. They want to be with me 24/7. Remember, brother issues, money issues and lonely issues with my parents. What should I do?
Your parents' problems are not your problems. What's sticky is, you are terribly enmeshed. You & hubby have treated their problems as your problems for the past 10 years. Old habits die hard -- on both sides of the equation. But you can draw the line. Really, you can.
Keep reading GardenArtist's enumerated points until you have them memorized. Rovanna and igloo572 make some verrrry good points, too.
I encourage you to talk with your husband about a new plan -- to live the life that you both deserve. And a plan to be the wife that he deserves. The money you and hubby earn should be YOURS. Your home is YOURS. Your time together as a couple is YOURS. Your parents' home is THEIRS. And the consequences of their lifetime of passivity, manipulation and bad decisions are THEIRS.
These are not radical ideas. This is Life 101. Unfortunately, the lessons of Life 101 get wildly distorted in twisted families. Speaking from experience here.
If you and hubby agree to this, present a unified front to your parents. Calmly state the above plan to your parents. Calmly, but firmly. Do not be dissuaded. Do not entertain one "but" from them. Do not let them bamboozle you with their protracted "wants" masquerading as "needs." Make it clear that you love your parents, and you are starting over with them. New day, new rules. And the new rules are effective forever.
Your parents can do what they want with their home. Sure, they can sell it. And where they go next -- and how they pay for it -- is their issue to work out. Not yours. Quite frankly, if your parents had even a rudimentary grasp of gratitude and respect, the first thing they'd do after they sell their house is reimburse your & hubby's 10-year stake. Not a chance, right?
Now I'll step off my soapbox for a minute. My gut feeling is that this move-in request is triggered by your father's fear that, should he pass away first, your brother will run roughshod over your mother. To put it mildly. And I think fear is quite justified. Your parents are in a bad spot with your no-account bully of a brother.
Nonetheless, your parents created and tolerated this 57-year-old monster. It is your parents' responsibility to address it -- WITHOUT recruiting you and your husband as buffers. The time for police intervention and restraining orders was a long time ago. The next time your brother has an outburst and threatens your parents' safety or your safety, call 911. This is domestic violence, plain and simple. There are laws against it. But the laws mean nothing if you and your parents refuse to take the initiative.
Best of luck to you. And -- this is important -- you'll need to make your own luck. Stepping out of your comfort zone is hard. Having these "bottom line" conversations are hard. If you want to reap the benefits, you need to do the work. There are no shortcuts. Wishing and fretting and being passive won't change your situation one bit. Other than changing it for the worse.
Who is more important.....hubs or your folks?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/why-do-my-parents-feel-its-necessary-to-live-with-us-191655.htm
I see nothing but attempts to manipulate you and your husband and force on you the results of your parents' not very prudent actions. Let's see:
1. They've been supporting a deadbeat, violent, threatening, irresponsible son for 39 years. You're afraid of him; probably they are as well. And apparently they haven't done anything to legally restrain him from contact.
2. You've been supporting them in part by making their mortgage payments for 10 years, while they apparently have been supporting the violent, deadbeat brother.
3. Now they want YOU to support them, attempting to guilt you into doing so.
4. They need to move in with you as their long term care plans.
Is that not enough to raise a thousand red flags of warning to you?
5. "They're self sufficient..." but you've "been helping them out..." No, they're not self sufificient, not by a long shot, when you're paying their mortgage.
Nor will they be after selling their house if they divert the proceeds to your brother.
6. Do you have the finances to support them for the rest of your life?
I honestly find this situation very hard to believe, that parents could be so willing to enable a deadbeat, violent son, yet expect a daughter to make severe compromises to accommodate such irresponsibility. There clearly are different standards in your family for treatment of a son and a daughter.
As I said, you have red flags warning you all over the place. If you go ahead with this plan to become their IL, AL, SNF and refuge from their son, you will soon regret it, you will lose your privacy, your sanity, and perhaps your own security for your own older lives.
You don't need to think twice about this pressure; you don't need to think at all. Just SAY NO.