Just started a couple months back with daily afternoon companionship for Mom (with dementia). She lives in her own home and this is the first step to her accepting assistance. She's very healthy and mobile but has dementia. We've focused on 'companionship' and the extra socializing has helped her allot. The first girl we found is really great. Even our neurologist was surprised at how great our caregiver is and that Mom is better.
She does cooking, crafts, laughing, and keeping things upbeat for Mom. She even calls her Grandma and Mom loves her. Her personality and disposition are great. The issues 1) she leaves little notes for Mom to call her daily (creating a habit), 2) she highlighted her speed dial phone button so Mom knows to call HER, 3) she calls Mom 1-2 a day even the days she isn't there, 4) she put her number in Mom's purse for emergencies, 5) she has recently gotten in the middle of years long family strife (between us present/involved family members and those not present/but critical family members). I had given her a heads up about what was going on because Mom talks unfiltered and has had upsetting episodes and I've had to clue her in because of her integration in Mom's life. We hate that she got dragged into family politics. Now I fear I have to somewhat filter our almost daily conversations. She calls after every visit with Mom.
We know she dos a great job with Mom and would hate for Mom to lose that relationship but should these things alarm us?
or sentimental value. Tell your mother that you just bought a huge new safe and
want to store her things there just in case someone was to break in. I don't see the problem of this girl putting her phone number in your mother's purse, put yours in there too along with who you are.
I would have all my mom's bills all mailed to me instead of her that way the caregiver would not be tempted to snoop. I am not a fan of confrontations, I do my tweaking from the inside, which is what I am suggesting.
Everyone is different, so this advise is worth what it is costing you. LOL, but I actually have a very similar circumstances except my mother started with this lady and now is in the end of her dementia. I found her a companion and disguised her as a cleaning lady when mom first started showing her dementia symptoms. My gal is wonderful, she takes mom out to lunch, drags her with her on her own personal errands (something that I sure don't want to do!) All the neighbors know to call me or this lady if they ever see mother out alone. I look at her as a member of the family after 2 years, and that is fine by me!
But it sounds to me like naïvety and over-enthusiasm rather than any kind of sinister inveigling, so I wouldn't be alarmed. Is it the caregiver's first time in this role?
(I don't see a problem with Mom having the girl's phone number, but you might tell the caregiver that you would rather she not encourage the extra phone calls from Mom to her, or from her to Mom, on the grounds that this engenders even greater dependency than is already the case. You don't want Mom to be even more dependent than she already is. Phone calls that Mom thinks to make, on her own impulse, are one thing; training to to need even more calls is not in your mom's best interest. It's your mom that needs to be check on, not the other way around. And if you are calling or seeing Mom on the caregiver's days off, then calls from her to mom, are really not necessary. Say: "It's really sweet of you, but the more independent mom can remain, the better." Then tell her very nicely that she needs to not get in the middle of family disputes. Present that as your desire that she remain on good terms with both sides. Tell her that you would not want a family squabble to cause your mom to lose a great companion like her.
Then sit back and see how that plays out, and she how she responds. If you get push back from her on these ideas you will have a much better picture of what this gal is about. If she's really interested in your Mom's welfare, she'll cooperate. If she is codependent, and is latching onto your mom, because of her own emotional neediness, she will likely not stop, and just keep on as she has been. And if she's up to no good, in that she's after Mom's money etc. you may find her actions go underground, with her being more secretive, but still trying to make your mom dependent on her. You will have to be alert to the clues. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
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