Follow
Share

My husband (with dementia and living at home with mw) seems to have one little problem after another. They don't seem to be serious ones, but, of course, he tells me about them constantly. I get tired hearing about them, make an appointment with someone I think can help. After I interrupt my own fitness program to get him to the appointment, he doesn't know why he HAS TO GO. He doesn't remember what he's been complaining about. Not only is it embarrassing to me, but I'm getting tired of never having time to take care of myself. Although he seems to be quite healthy, he is now going to 3 doctors, a dentist (out of town) and now a physical therapist (every other day). The therapist gave him an exercise to do at home, which, of course, is another responsibility for me. I must keep reminding him to do it and he never understands, nor does he do it correctly. I am about ready to just ignore his complaints unless they are so severe that there's no alternative. I'm interested in knowing if others have suggestions on this?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

38 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
It would depend upon what his complaints are. "My arm is itching" isn't in the same category of complaints as "my chest hurts".

You can't run to the Dr. every time your husband has some minor complaint. For example, if he complains of a stomach ache try to Pepto or an antacid. Give him some Advil. Try a little Miralax. If you've done all of these things and he's still complaining that would be the time to call the Dr. But use your own best judgement first. See if you can alleviate the problem yourself first before running to the Dr. If not, call for an appointment. No one goes to the Dr. for every little thing that comes up on a daily basis. When I cared for my dad he had multiple health issues and while he wasn't a complainer I had to prioritize his health issues. A bruise or cut that wouldn't heal wouldn't get my attention as much as blood in the toilet would. And that cut I'd treat with Neosporin and a bandaid and just keep an eye on it for a few days.

And I'm sure you can always call his Dr. and ask the nurse for an opinion. Or call a nurses hotline for an opinion. But you shouldn't have to run to the Dr. everyday for some minor thing that your husband doesn't even remember complaining about.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Thank you for your advice - but the problems aren't itching arms or stomach ache. First, every time we try to go somewhere - ANYWHERE - he starts running to the bathroom and ends up with bleeding hemmorhoid. I've talked to the doctor, but he won't do anything about them (even though he knows they are there) unless we first have a colonoscopy. The last attempted colonoscopy the doc couldn't get all the way, so did a barium enema later,which was ok. Now, they send him to a specialist a month ago and he can't do the scope until the end of July.

Next he complains daily about his knee hurting. The doctor ordered an X-Ray, which we've heard nothing about yet. The latest is a finger on his right hand that won't open up. We've started with a PT to see if therapy will help. That's a trip to Rehab every other day. Meanwhile, he's had to have four iron infusions - loss of blood unknown. He also got new dentures in the middle of all of this.

Maybe that gives you just a little idea of the trips I make. And this is causing me NOT to be able to keep up with my own health - exercise,etc. I have dropped out of everything I ever did for enjoyment and vacations. I'm 4 yrs. Younger than my husband and, so far, am in good health. I feel as though my entire life has been snatched from me.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
He is bored and self-obsessed. Stop running to the doctors. Tell him you'll bring up the hemmorhoids, knees and fingers at the next office visit. By then he will be "cured" of his maladies. He just wants to be the center of your attention. He is very good at controlling you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Campy, it was the same way with my mother. It has gotten better as her mind has become worse. Some of her complaints were real and needed medical attention. Others were because she fixated on something until it became a terrible symptom with her. We spent a lot of time at doctors for a couple of years. To save my sanity I learned to filter through what was doctor-worthy, what was home-remedy-worthy, and what was worthy to be ignored. I have always worried about it, though. What if I was overlooking something that was important. So far, so good when it comes to judgment. We have a nice option near us that I use to comfort her. An urgent care clinic is about 4 blocks away. I tell her if it gets worse, we'll just run up there. We've done that twice when it was needed. I love the urgent care places. They are great when an ER is not called for.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
i agree with pam and jesse. my moms idea of conversation has always been her health complaints too . when it'd get too overwhelming id tell her there were people living on the streets in worse shape than her and no money to even buy medicines . slam your old man with a few of your own hard realities in order to put his into perspective ..
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
"I feel as though my entire life has been snatched from me."

Yup. In many ways it has been. To have your life partner, your soul mate, your other half become your dependent is absolutely life-changing. If it weren't his aches and pains that were driving home this reality it would be something else. Not only do you now have to care for him, decide for him, think for him, you also have to take over whatever tasks he used to perform.

My mother has dementia. It is sad. It is stressful. But it doesn't hold a candle to the stress level (for me) of my husband having dementia. One person gets dementia but the whole family suffers from it, and the spouse suffers in more intimate ways.

So I offer you hugs. And a little snippet of advice. You MUST retain at least some of your own life. And, yes, this just adds to your to-do list and is another source of stress, but it must be done if you want to end this journey sane and with enough energy to reclaim your life on your own. I suggest the first area you carve out is your own health routines. Except for an actual emergency, put those things first. Get some "me" time on a regular basis.

One thing I wish I'd done differently is to have gotten more help and earlier in the journey. When I got it it made a world of difference. My husband went to an adult day health center a few days a week. And when he declined too much for that, we had a personal care attendant four days a week at home. The PCA helped him with the exercises the PT gave him to do. It helped to know that I was in charge of his care but that I didn't have to do every minute of it myself.

Dementia in a spouse can snatch your entire life from you if you let it. Resist. Hang on to as much of it as you can. Some things you may have to defer until your caregiving role is over. But don't let be everything.

Best wishes to you.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
People with dementia do focus on things often for weeks at a time, and then it suddenly disappears. Much to the chagrin of the poor person listening
Obviously his bowel problems need dealing with as that sounds to be a physical problem esp with the blood loss. Meanwhile to 'treat ' that see that he has sufficient fibre in his diet and yes check that he isn't constipated.
Yes you have to decide for him [and you] what complaints need treating. as an example, I use the number 3... if its really painful, getting worse, not letting me be alive, then I wait 3 mins, [that would be broken bone, chest pain] IF its moderate like vomiting, pain from a sprain. then wait 3 days.. and if a new chronic type problem starts up but apart from knowing its there and not getting worse I wait 3mths. or the next visit to the doc.
I agree with the others for your own health and sanity, you need to set time aside for yourself. Can he spend a day at a facility that gives you a break, so that you can walk down the street, and just look in the shop windows and go have a coffee somewhere etc, or go for a jog.
AS for the physical exercises. IF he no longer has that 'problem' then let the matter lie and stop them... he wont remember, he wont get better because of them, and it is only another thing for YOU to cope with.
good luck
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My mom is 89, has many physical complaints as well. She has degenerative arthritis of the spine and severe scholiosis, has been on heavy duty narcotics for 3 years, now has a pain pump. Most recently, her heart issues started again and has had a pace maker put in. She goes further down and recovers less every time something happens. She is almost never without some sort of pain or severe discomfort. She has also lost much personal dignity because of all the help she requires from myself and my sister in her daily personal care.

The current health care system does not help the elderly. What I have noted both in hospitals and with physicians that they tend to treat the elderly no different than younger folks. They prescribe the same dosages of medicine even though every RX I read states that side effects are much more severe in the elderly and it takes longer for the med to clear their systems. When my mother was in the hospital recently, they wanted to do 3 major tests and procedures one after the other, when one made her so weak and exhausted, she could barely stand up. I had to threaten withdrawing consent to get them to allow her rest in between.

My mother has always been a person with great personal strength but daily struggles with health issues and coping with chronic pain issues have stolen all of it. She speaks of wanting to die every single day.

I say all this because I too have feelings that sometimes my entire life is consumed with caring for my mother and advocating for her in a sometimes chaotic and uncaring health system, and even indulge in self pity sometimes because of it. I have given up church activities and other social activities, and even a lot of my own health care ( as I am 65 myself, but healthy thank the lord). I try each time I am down to remind myself of all that my mother has lost: her dignity, her husband and the home that they shared, my brother who died of heart failure at 39, the activities she enjoyed such as exercise, reading (she also has macula degeneration and has lost most of her sight), and countless other things. I remind myself of all that she did for me when I was a child, a young adult who still needed the guidance, wisdom, and yes sometimes money of my parents. I think of all that, get up, and take each day at a time, get through the bad ones, enjoy the few times when mom does feel OK, ask God for strength every day, and go on. What else can we do?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Only three doctors? I just made myself a list. My husband has nine. I also must accompany me friend because her driving license is restricted but she has only four. I have to go with them because neither of them remember what instructions they are given. They both have mild dementia. My husband has parkinson's but is still able to drive as long as I am with him to remind him where we are going. I know he will have to give that up in the near future. Then more problems will start because I will have to locate a driver as well for all of these trips.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
debca,
on my second elder advocacy gig right now and i couldnt be more impressed by the changes occurring in medicine. my mother was hospitalized with possibly heart failure a couple of years back . the hospital has a job to do -- a thorough , often 6 day physical workup . any return to hospital for unresolved or undiagnosed issues in a 6 month time frame can result in severe fines to the hospital . mom wanted to do battle with the docs thru 6 days of testing -- not happning -- they knocked her colder than a cucumber for 6 days and ran their tests. they done a wonderful job . she left there with hospice assistance and oversight by aps to make sure the team at home was adequate.
aunt edna , more recently , 6 day thorough health workup , then 10 days in physical rehab , then followed home by a home care team . not hospice , per se , just professional help for the family team..
i feel like we could ask for and recieve any kind of help .
people want to go overboard with the advocating for yourself thing a bit these days . i know a bunch of hepc chat group members who think its cute to carry around a stack of charts and argue with world class liver specialists about silly numbers they know nothing about -- then occasionally one of them has the audacity to be shocked when a doc tosses them clear out of his office ..
i recently told my hepc treatment team that i feel better than i have in 30 years, i shant give a rats azz what your numbers eventually read . numbers , shnumbers .. put my trust in them , made them smile..
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I have nothing to add to Jeanne Gibbs' advice except to note how well she shows that NOTHING beats advice from a person who has actually dealt with the exact problem you're facing. "This is what to expect, and this is what I wish I'd known beforehand." Brilliant, thank you, Jeanne.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Dementia can make people obsess over every little thing. The fact that he forgets later is because of his dementia. I don't think he's trying to make things difficult for you. His brain is steadily being destroyed by the disease.

I agree with Pam in that some of these things are just aging issues which you can put off a bit and then see if he continues to complain over time.

You might want to look into adult day care for him. If he's better occupied, he may not find as many issues to complain about. That would give you time to do your health care routines, too.

It's never easy to know what health complaints need attention and what smaller issue you can let go. But diversion could help.

We would love to have your keep us informed on your life and how this is going for you.

Continue to take care of yourself - get help if needed.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
This is a new thing I have noticed in my 87 year old Mom with dementia. All her life she couldnt stand doctors or hospitals. Now she wants to go to the ER when her arm hurts or her stomach is upset. She thinks she is having a heart attack or wants pain meds. Had another incident yesterday when her stomach was bothering her all day and then I realized she had stopped taking her blood pressure medicine and was out. Panic ensued on her end and she wanted to go to the ER. Was sure she was having a heart attack. The symptoms werent there, but of course I worry. The local pharmacy gave her a few days supply and I called the doctor for a refill. Will have to watch her medicines more carefully. It is such a radical change in behavior for a woman that didnt go to a GP for almost 40 years. I am not sure if it is true panic on her part, which it seems, or too much time to think about things, or a combination. Difficult to deal with on this end when she wants me to stop everything and deal with these issues.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My MIL, 84, is exactly the same way, wants to complain all of the time when she is not doing what she wants to do. She fusses when she is bored or has to stay inside because it's too hot. According to her, pain is unbearable to her (her words are 'the worst pain EVER') , yet when we bring up taking a trip to the ER, it suddenly gets better. If she has a headache, it's the worst headache she has ever had. If she gets a cut on her finger gardening, it MUST have a band-aid right away, and said band-aid must be changed very frequently....if not, she will nag or talk about it or pick at it to where it no longer sticks and I will have to change it. If she has allergies, she must carry around a box of kleenex, keep one to her nose all the time, and then drops every Kleenex that she uses, on the floor. If I say, "wow, there are a lot of Kleenex on the floor!", she will say, "Yes, I know, I just don't have the strength to pick them up when I feel sooooo bad." When I wake her up in the morning and ask her how she feels, she will say that she "didn't sleep a wink...not one wink", however, when I check on her in the middle of the night, she is sleeping!
I just realize that these episodes are cries for attention. When she is not feeling well, we are all over her, trying this and that to make her feel better, and I usually sit with her just in case. If I ask her if she is feeling better, she will say, "yes, but just a little bit, not much better", I'm sure it's because she doesn't want me to leave the room. I understand it's aggrivating because it takes so much time and energy to care for someone like this. Try to find time for yourself, even if it's just a few hours. Maybe hire a companion for him, or a sitter so you can have a small amount of time to do what you want to do. Maybe get exercise DVDs to use in another room, a treadmill, or a weight set if you are doing any strength training. I'm ashamed to say, but I know on the weekends, I live for my MIL's nap time, then I can do whatever I enjoy or have to do, or take a nap myself! We have a pool, and really the only time I can swim or sunbathe/lounge in the pool is when she is napping. Seems very self-centered of me, but when you are a caregiver, you have to have something in life that makes you happy, that you are doing for yourself, and only yourself. It makes life worthwhile!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
A carbon copy of my mother, 82 with dementia. Here is an excerpt from the journal I keep for sanity's sake:
Mom has a series---I mean a circular series of ailments. I have addressed ALL of them with her doctor. Over the past years she has brought up (and seen the doc for --- and not in sequential order): her broken wrist, her trigger finger, her carpal tunnel, her hemorrhoids, her teeth (still working on this), her warts/moles on her skin, her watery eyes (which she needs surgery to fully correct), her vision (erroneously bought her reading glasses which she doesn't use), her blood sugar (ongoing), her toenail (which we have half removed once), her back/hip (gone to doc and physical therapy and she now doesn't even remember having a back problem which went on for months), her hair (not a physical problem but part of the body), wrinkles on her skin and age spots, her stomach (have done all except 'scoping' her stomach. not gonna do that).
Not only do we re-visit these ailments over and over but once in awhile she will come up with a new one. Just yesterday we were in the kitchen and she starts slightly massaging her chest muscle and says something to the effect, "I need to go to the doctor about this 'soreness' on my chest". I say (naturally), "what soreness"? She proceeds to tell me about this 'tender or sore' area that she is experiencing. I will tell her that I didn't know about it. When did it show up? And this is the clincher. She will say to me, "Oh, I've had this thing for awhile...."!
Then this last thing that just happened was funny. I woke one morning to my mother calling me that she didn't feel good---she had an intense headache. I proceed to make sure all vitals are good and fix her pillows and body in her bed. I only had this essential oil of peppermint to put on her head and did so. I left the room for 5 minutes to go get a tylenol and came back to give it to her. I say, "here's the Tylenol for your headache". She responds, "What headache? I don't have a headache"!!!!
Have a good day all..
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Try a blessings time. I do this for myself when I feel overwhelmed by caring for both my parents, turning 90 this year and both in poor health. I force myself to think of 3 blessings every day. Then share them with someone. This forces me to look for the good in my day and not to focus on the bad. I do this with my Mom. Parkinsons and a stroke has caused the gradual loss of connections to her arms and legs. When she just cries all the time I force her to tell me what she can do. We list can do's until she no longer has that deep worry wrinkle between her eyes. Then we go find something pleasant to do. As for loosing your life to caregiving.... my only thought on that is MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER, EVER DO THIS FOR ME. I wouldn't wish this on anyone! I know there are people who find this a gratifying job but I am not one of them. I love my parents very much but I resent having to give up so much.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Lizzie...I echo your thoughts. I have tried the 'blessings" list and, yes, it does help. I too tell my kids to just let me off the woods somewhere if I ever get real bad (kidding).
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
About dementia, is he getting plenty of vitamins? What are his B vit. levels? This is a biggie with dementia. It can be a game changer if he needs it and you give it to him. It's available in a sublingual (under the tongue dissolvable) tablet.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Yes, Campybj, your life has been snatched away by a horrible disease that affects your husband and you equally. His illness has changed his life and yours irrevocably and you'll never be the same. He didn't ask to have this illness and you seem to be blaming him for your inconveniences. It's not your husband complaining; its someone else who used to be your husband. The life you used to have is gone forever and you need to let go of it. Take care of your health, but your "normal" routine is no more.

His bowel problems and blood loss are major issues and very painful. You must take care of that. The other aches and pains, treat them with appropriate analgesics, creams, laxatives, etc. Any other extreme signs of problems need to be dealt with and you must put his needs ahead of your own. You'll find you will be doing things that you never imagined doing before.

Our plans for retirement were retire at age 60, go to Hawaii first and then make a trip every summer to some seaside or world destination. We were going to buy a small RV to make impromptu trips to every national park. We would continue our fitness class 3 days a week and live happily ever after. Then he got FTD at age 54, lost the ability to speak correctly, then had a TIA which advanced his dementia more rapidly. I had to quit my job early and wait a year before my retirement benefit would be paid. No more exercise classes for either one of us, no Hawaii, no RV. We did squeeze in 3 short trips before his mobility issues became too severe. Basically no meaningful communication between us for the last 8 years, as his speech was affected first. I would love it if he could tell me his finger or knee hurt. He is bed/wheelchair bound now. Neither one of us leaves the house on a typical day. I have a personal care aide in 6 days a week to help bath and dress him. I occasionally have a day of respite which I often use to see my dentist and doctor. This is the reality of living with a spouse with dementia.

Take care of his major health issues, take care of your health issues. Get some help or take him to adult daycare. If he is a veteran, check out their A & A and respite. If you are really overwhelmed and you can afford it, place him in a Memory care facility. Many elder communities have them now for dementia patients who are still in fairly good health. God bless you and help you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My mother has dementia for the last 5 years and my sister and I both moved in to take care of her. First you should see if you can physical therapy to come to the house. Figure out which complaint to take seriously. If you can't handle this without complaining maybe you shouldn't be taking care of him. Dementia patients can be manipulative but also, at least with my mother, she knows when we get frustrated with her. People with dementia don't understand that other people are worse off ie: living on the streets and no money to buy medicines and they also can't put things in perspective, if they could they probably wouldn't have dementia.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Some elderly talk about their health issues as that is all they have in their life to talk about that is new. I would get him to a primary care doctor who takes phone calls. When little things come up, call and get an opinion. If he has regular visits and meds seem to be working, don't stress out.

He probably needs more attention and more people to talk to.

However, when you are the primary caregiver, expect to have your life interrupted. Basically, the elder becomes the center of the world and your life (work, relaxation, relationships)is fitted in around the elder's needs. After a bit, you will settle into a routine which works, but expect real health emergencies. Life as a primary caregiver is day to day.
Expect to have to change the routine based on his health decline and what he can and can't do will change over time.

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It seems to me you are selfish and rude. You are just miserable and it shows. Try compassion not only with your husband but us too.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Lizann, you are correct. My husband is now the center of my universe. He is 78, I am 77. I take care of him as best I can. As I said, he has 9 doctors and a whole 9 X 12 sheet of meds that he takes for all his various ailments. Maybe I shouldn't let him call a doctor for every little thing. Maybe I won't do that when he can no longer do that for himself -- or maybe I should put my foot down and just say "no" ???? All the doctors are at least 28 miles away. I go with him because he doesn't always get their directions correct. It's a hassle, but then, I still love him. We've been married 58 years. I'm not ready to give up on him yet.

To complicate, I look after the welfare of an 86 year old friend whose restricted license lets her only drive within 24 miles of her house. She lives alone and has no family left to help her. So we take her in to her doctors as well.

I think most of my life right now is spent in the car!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Every single word you said is exactly the same thing we are going through with my dad. Nothing helps; the world surrounding us is all about him and only him. You get the flu? He'll demand th doctors fix you now!,because otherwise he has to make efforts like cooking or vacuming until you are better, so the sooner you get bette, the better for him. Its all about him. He also expects your full attention on him only, so dont even think about doing something that takes too much time away from him being the center of your attention. The best thing we have found thus far, is totake him out in publiic, for meals, shopping, doctor visits, all which manage to once again, keep him as the center of attention, but at least others have to dea l with him some so that you might enjoy at least a few bites of your own dinner. Our latest idea is, mom is going to do some volunteer helping at a nearby assisted living place, and of course he'll come along. Once there she is going to have him walk around and say hello to everyone,and hopefully eventually he'll see how the residents hang on his every word and look forward to his visits, to where he'll feel he is center of attention again and actually likek going there. We're hoping to have him maybe eventually read to them, or tell them stories (all about him of course). Its one way we are going to try and help him see that there is a need and appreciation for his visits. Meanwhlie mom would get a break, could visit with others there, or even help during social events. Good luck wth yours, I suspect we could interchange them and it'd seem like just another day for all of us! If you find something new that works, let us know via this route!! Take care,be safe,and know that your efforts are recognized by others and admired.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Thanks, rich985' you are so encouraging! How about telling us all about the kind, understanding, patient and selfless caretaker you are. Maybe that will provide some insights into my frustrating situation.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Daughter52' you are describing my situation perfectly. I just don't communicate as well as you. Most of the illnesses you describe are the SAME ones that I hear about. Also, the last situation where she forgot she had a headache - we've gone through that as well.

As for the person who said, "only 3 doctors, I have 9" I actually listed 5 including the therapist. Anyway, it doesn't matter how many, it's how many TRIPS you make that counts.

I guess I've heard enough on this subject. I didn't get on this website to get criticism. For those who understood my frustration and made suggestions that are helpful, "THANK YOU!"
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Lizzie, your response is refreshing to me, as I feel you understand what I am trying to express. I realize that it is my husband that I am caring for and that, after 56 yrs. I should love him enough that I d on't mind giving up my life to this task. However, I do not feel that way, even though I am doing it. I am just about 75. I took care a of May mom with dementia (although not in MY home) for about 6 yrs. Then, at least, I could get a break for part of the time. NOW, of course, it's 24/7. I am in fine health and want to do many, many things which I have given up - every single thing I did for enjoyment. My life consists of nothing but work or sleeping in front of TV when I finally get to sit down. The old adage, "all work and no play" still applies. I guess that's why I appear to be so self-centered to some.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I thank you, Lizzie, for the idea of counting blessings each day. I make a point of getting up earlier and earlier so that I can get a devotional time in before my husband is up. I try to use this time to be positive - count blessings. However, I STILL have a day every now and then when I get so "down" with no one to share it with, that I thought THIS SITE was a good place. According to some of the critical, sarcastic and reprimanding comments, I guess it is not for complaining. I had best lock myself in a room (a padded cell) and scream, it might be more satisfying.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Campy, can doc order home pt visits? Are you seeing geriatric doctor for his care. I feel like we regained our sanity as a family when, on the advice of a geriatric psychiatrist in the hospital, we started having mom see a geriatric doc. He has taken a much more non interventional and holistic view of things. When was the xray? Have you called the office to find out what his doctor thinks is going on?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
This is still a good place to vent, CampyBi. I use it frequently and get many good responses. I also use my own personal journal to say what I want and get it off my chest. It's almost novel length by now. Sometimes when I am really upset, I go for a short drive in my car on a rural road and scream, vent, cry to my imaginary listener. Whatever it takes and don't feel bad for coming here to express your stuff. None of us is perfect.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter