Should a family member have to pay cash to another family member to live with and take care of their aging Mom?
Our 93 year old mom does not own a house of her own. One of my brothers (I have 3) has plenty of money and is married 40 years without children. He bought property to park his RV's and other "stuff" on the property, and this property has a modest house on the lot. He told mother she could live here for "free", until she died. Now it has been 11 years and she has only grown old and more fragile. I am the only single sister (daughter) that gets along with mom, and she asked me to live with her, my brother and sister in law agreed IF I PAY THEM CASH RENT.
I had an abusive marriage and divorced 12 years ago. I was renting a condo when my mother called and asked if I want to live with her. I agreed and became the "cash tenant" for my brother and sister in law. I changed careers and became a teachers assistant which allowed me to be home more often, but is lower paying and is only 10 month paid annually. I struggle for the 2 months that I have NO INCOME, and have GONE into DEBT to pay my brother and sister in law the RENT they want to spend on "toys". They have good paying jobs totaling over $150,000 annually, and this is their 3rd house. They are hard NOT concerned about how this situation is unfair and I am so angry about being used and taken for granted.
What should I do?
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Are you being paid to take care of Mom? Exactly, you are being charged to take care of Mom. Call other siblings, explain situation and ask for a family meeting to get this out in the open. Keep track of your time caregiving and any expenses (including rent) you pay. Contact your local in home health provider to check their fees and present this info to your siblings.
If you chose to continue staying there; get a receipt book and have darling brother initial a receipt each time you pay him cash. When you are dealing with greed, it is important to make receipts for anything you pay out to the individual and keep all receipts for any purchases you make for your Mother. A paper trail is good evidence and keeps everyone honest.
Time for a change of strategy and exit.
I would quietly investigate the possibility of in-home care for your mother, while also searching for a place for yourself. When you've found one, announce your decision to leave and present your brother with a list of alternatives for your mother, including in-home care, independent living and/or assisted living, depending on her needs level.
He'll probably be furious, but that's too bad. He's been exploiting you.
In the meantime, I'm wondering if you can arrange to have your pay spread out over 12 months, so that you actually receive a check during the summer. An acquaintance who worked for one of the school boards locally did that, instead of being paid for 9 months and juggling bills for the summer months.
However, if you weren't there, your mom would have to pay, out of her own funds, for at least part-time care giving. Seems to me it would make sense for your MOM to pay the rent in lieu of paying a non-related caregiver if you decided to move out.
You don't mention the amount of rent, so I'm assuming it's pretty reasonable or your would have given us that number.
If the objective is to stay with mom and be a part-time caregiver, then I think mom paying the rent on your behalf makes very good sense. While Medicaid would not allow her to pay YOU for care giving, Medicaid won't blink an eye on her paying rent.
This can be between you and your mom. Brother doesn't have to know where the money's coming from . . . only that he's being paid.
First of all, you moved into your brother's property. He has a right to charge you rent. (I think that doing so stinks, but it is still his right.) I would insist on paying him by check and note on it "rent." He does not have the right to insist that you help him cheat on his taxes.
Mother apparently needs some in-home care. Can she afford to pay you? Could she afford to pay someone else for that care? Since she has no rental expenses, does that make it easier for her to afford care? If she needs it but cannot afford to pay for it, help her look into financial assistance. Medicaid may be appropriate.
You would pay rent or mortgage if you moved out. How well do you like living where you are? If it is not satisfactory you could move out and bring Mother with you. (It may take getting her on financial aid to make this feasible.) If it is working fine, and the rent is reasonable, continue to live there but also get paid for the caregiving you are doing.
Just because a person has a large income and is buying a lot of *toys*, that person could also be in serious debt.
Then that way your Mother will be in a nice place with round the clock care, and you could move on with your life.
Siblings concern is that Mom's assets will be used for her care by me, leaving them nothing to inherit. Sure a family gift to care for parent if all siblings participate equally in that care! One Sib will take mom to church on Sunday when able, then Mom buys her lunch?! They want to charge me for food?! That Sib has responsibility for Mom 5 hours each week! The rest is mine except when Mom is in day care for 20 hours a week. If something happens and it has I am expected to take care of it, so still Mom's needs fulfilled to say nothing about household chores!
Boomer, yes you have been taken terrible advantage of. Plan your escape, let bro deal with Mom's needs. And he or Mom should be paying you. In my area live in care runs about 8,000.00 a month.
Medicaid considers care by family to be a gift.
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