Some history. She has had many health problems most of her life, and her life's journey has not been an easy one. She raised me and my 4 brothers with many step-dads and boyfriends along the way. One of our step-dads sexualy abused one of my brothers which basically ruined his life. One of Mom's problems is she is a prescription drug abuser. Ex. when I was about 20 and did not have much of a backbone she talked me into going to a Dr and requesting diet pills for her... I was 5'6" and weighed 120 lbs at the time! The whole experience is seared into my memory, it was so awful, I felt so stupid but did it for her. About a month later she asked me to go back and ask for more. I told her no and to please not ask me to do that ever again.
So here we are she's been in our home a week, the second day she took more Ativan than prescribed, fell on the desk in her room, cracked her head open and spent 3 days in the hospital. She lives for her next dose, and her meds is all she wants to talk about. She is gonna be 77 next month and has told me since I can remember to never put her in a NH. She has copd, Atrial Fibrillation, Diabetic, and has congestive heart failure. Plus a few other things.
Right now I'm exhausted, and have fibro, in a bad flare, and just found out I have high blood pressure, not good i know. I'm too tired so will write more when I can, she has no one else, I'm at a loss, and very down. I love her, but do not like her. What would you do? I have been reading here and feel like it's a lifeline, like so many of you. Thank you for listening.
I hope you come back often and get things off your chest. This is a great site.
But even if you "promised" "never to put her in a home," sometimes a promise must be broken if someone is only going to be hurt by it. And there are two very important "someones" getting hurt here.
The only thing I can add is that SHE IS 77! - she could live another decade or two decades. Think about it.......not pretty. You will be another 10 or 20 years older and will be too worn out to live your well deserved own life.
A few things come to mind: You are trying your BEST to honor your Mom's wishes and now with her recent drastic fall, are reevaluating your promise to keep her away from a NH. I get it. But clearly you are overwhelmed. NH's can be wonderful - you simply need to do your research and be your Mom's close advocate to make sure she's well treated.
If she continues to stay in your home, I HIGHLY recommend you lock up her drugs where only you (and maybe one other person) have access and distribute to your mom as needed. She is clearly unfit to manage her own prescriptions.
Whatever your decision, it is clear you love your Mom... just don't run yourself into the ground by her manipulations.
I will try for as long as I can, I hope when she's adjusted to moving here, from S.Cal to Wyo. things will get better... trying to think positive, and praying for wisdom. Thank you for your sweet response and encouragement Perseverance. Kind words are like salve to a wound.
vstefan-- thanks for your insight, I know, I see now that at some point she may have to go somewhere. That kind of promise is not even reasonable... why did our parents make us do that? Is it because all they knew back then was "nursing homes are bad?" I know there are good and bad ones. Even so it is a hard situation to be in. The rx problems she has had off and on over so many yrs, decades, has caused being around her like being on a roller coaster. The thing now is she has so many health issues she has to take all the meds she does, even the xanax because she has anxiety and also the xanax helps her calm down when she has panic attacks from not being able to breath properly from her copd, oh what a terrible disease it is! Once one has it, it just gradually gets worse, she is now stage 4, and from what I have been reading many people with copd die terrible deaths. It's because the lungs are very sick and it can be like slowly drowning. And she has to be on a steady regime of pain pills, she has quite a bit of pain caused by the copd and other illnesses.
Igloo572-- I agree mom can live many more years, and I have to consider myself and my husband, we are both disabled, but much more functioning than my mom. I have a feeling the copd is what's going to kill her because she's stage 4, on 24 hr. 02 (oxygen)
Eyerishlass-- I love your user name, I am part Irish, You obviously loved your dad very much, and i think he was blesssed to have a daughter who put her own life aside for so long, 5 yrs is a long time! One thing i should have explained better about my mom is even though she has had the rx problems, she over dosed a few times so now me and my DH handle her meds. It can get challenging to say the least.... she can stress me out so bad one minute, and I'm thinking "(there is no way i can handle this!!!) and the next I just feel sorry for her and want to do all I can to help. My emotions are all over the place.
She can be sweet and endearing and then be overbearing and very clingy, I hate not being able to be in my own kitchen without her constanting following me there. Oh there is so much more to all this. I will be posting more, you all are or have been in the same boat and I love hearing what you have to say, reading your different stories and many of you have very good insight that I will be mulling over. I am so grateful!
Oh i will have to tell you all about her dog who comes with her. A lil story inside the big story lol... I never knew I was capable of such feelings for a dog.
If she can go back to her home and can afford some in-home care assistance, get it and set it up for her, be sure to enlist a liscenced care agency and call references. Then set boundaries with your mom and stick to it. It can be a daily phone call, weekly visit, etc. stick to it and if she abuses or balks, tell her you won't accept the calls and advise her to call her doctor.
Take care of you. It doesn't mean you don't love her or don't care for her, it is a matter of getting her the skilled care she needs to be healthy and safe. You wouldn't give in to every whim or bad choices (drug abuse) from your children or friends and you can't tolerate and need to implement tough love even for parents.
I've had to do this with my mom, it's hard but time makes it easier and my emotional health is slowly recovering, definitely, my stress is trmendously less.
Hope you can find the same.
My advice...get her out of your house, assist her to get help to live at home or in a facility, and set boundaries for your ongoing involvement. Her care needs are not going to get easier.