I care for a 76yr old retired nurse, she has had 5 hip surgeries and is on Prestiq. She is very 'edgy', to put it nicely, when I have to rouse her in the mornings. Her son requests that she be showered at least every other day. There is NO railing in the bathroom. The last time I took her in for a shower, she slapped me on the head when I tried to get her from the toilet to the shower. I know she is frustrated w/herself for no longer being 100% mobile. I also know that the morning emotional issues are from the Prestiq. However, her son is more of a 'Get it done and move on' kinda person. He's bigger than I am, and can just DO IT. I cannot. I also have a back issue. The woman stumbled 2 days ago, and I DID catch her, no problem. I do have my own confidence issues w/her in the shower situation. I also HATE having to take her in to the shower. She wears 2 Depends each night, and does need to shower usually almost daily, she can't go weekly. Short of having her son do this one task, anyone have any advise on how to manage this chore?
She can be rather cantankerous throughout the day, never conversational.
At best, my telling her I am only here to HELP and to make her more comfortable has been my own best approach. Appealing to her nurse's past is NOT a good idea. I think that makes her madder.
Thanks!
Are you using a shower chair?
And the every other day bath requirement? unless she is soiling herself in a way you can't clean her properly in bed (it's done all the time in hospitals and nursing homes) , once a week might be enough supplemented with bed baths. I was told by a dermatologist that fewer baths are better for the elderly so the skin does not dry out.
And if you have a back issue, should you be giving a woman who is unsteady a bath alone? how about the son and you doing it together? Maybe she senses, and rightfully so, your hesitance due to your back concerns? Her safety is the utmost importance so her son should cooperate to "get it done" safely.
I know she does not like when her son comes and pulls her covers off and sits her up and gets her up. He seems to see that she has no sense of self, no dignity. I have told Betty, when I was giving her the ONE shower I managed- I understand that you do not like being bathed by someone else, I wouldn't like it either. I try to talk to her. It usually just gets her to be ugly to me, or tell me 'What do YOU care?' I am personally in a position that I need this job, I am w/o a car, other funds, etc. So I'm kinda stuck. Other than being a bit detached from the situation, her son is not a bad guy. I think he is dealing w/her by being detached. He just lost his 36yr old daughter to alcoholism, and is about to go thru a divorce which will be very nasty. His mother has been been thru at least 3 other care givers in the past 3 yrs. She was at one time in a home called Sunrise, in the Denver area. And her stepdaughter had her, and once took her $$ and just left her unattended in a room. Too much information? lol
I think your approach of talking to her and reassuring her of your good intentions is very appropriate. Try not to take her responses too personally. In that sense, you may need to detach a bit, too. Ask her what you can do to make her more comfortable. "I know you'd rather not do this at all, but since we have to do it, is there any way that would be more comfortable for you?" Surely as a nurse she is very familiar with having to do things the patients don't like. Without actually mentioning her career, maybe you can remind her of that. "I'm sorry, but sometimes helpers have to do things the person they are helping doesn't like. Let's get this over with as quickly as possible."
The notion of bringing in a physical and/or occupational therapist appeals to me. Son would have to ask her doctor to order a visit or two. The goal would be to learn how best to get RN into and out of the shower. This professional could also recommend (and perhaps order) an appropriate shower stool, grab bars, etc. Of course, just because RN has instructions of how to cooperate doesn't assure that she will cooperate. But it is worth a try!
Maybe RN has had a lot of experience with neglect or disinterest and that is where her "you don't really care about me" attitude comes from. Consistently assuring her that you do care, and that you really want to do things the best possible way both for her sake and also for your professional pride, is all I can think of to overcome the attitude.
Again, don't take her hateful-to-caregivers attitude personally. Maybe it comes from the history she's had, and maybe it comes from her life-long personality, and maybe she has something going wrong in her brain. What ever the cause is, it is not YOU! This is not your fault. Keep doing your best. Keep being consistently kind, sympathetic, and firm with her. Try to let her hateful comments roll off your back.
BTW, making my mother get up at 8:00 would be cruel and inhuman treatment! She has not done that for more than 20 years, why should she start just because she needs help? And I pity the poor caregiver or family member that would try to get me up at the ungodly hour of 8:00 am! I have delayed sleep phase disorder, but even among people who don't officially have a diagnosed "disorder" our internal clocks aren't all set to the same Circadian Rhythm.
Even nursing homes are increasingly recognizing the need to respect individual preferences, and offer breakfast at more than a single sitting.
Letting her have some say in when she is awakened is also evidence that you do care about her and want to respect her wishes, as long as you can do that and still do what is in her best interest.
Time is always of the essence ... time is how we measure our lives. Being able to control our schedules can be very empowering, especially when we have power over so little.
I understand all the logical reasons why 8:00 am is the "right" time to get her up. But I still urge you to consider the psychological reasons why giving RN control over when to get up might be the right thing to do.
And M would reject any encourgement also. now I am able to say to her, 'don't be so negative, you know you are making progress', but that took time and patience and consistency on my part... there are times she still doesn't trust me.... but your RN sounds as if her trust has been horribly betrayed and now she just expects the worst so she won't learn to depend on anyone in case you turn out like the others... keep doing what you are doing... just be good to her.... she is afraid.... respect her fear, she has reason to not trust paid caregivers.... and I'm sure she is hurt that her son felt this was needed, even tho it is.... I try to put myself in her place... she is of sound mind, so she sets the schedule, she says what she wants to eat, ect.... I know this is her home.... her safe place, and I am always a guest there, no matter if I am working or not... you sound like you know what you are doing, and it is good that you are fearful about the shower..... you have been given great suggestions.... and sometimes we have to figure out a way to approach the familes without offending anyone.... I don't think good in home caregivers are given the credit they deserve for having such a balanceing act we have to do between our charges and the familes that expect so much out of us... it's a hard job no matter what, plus being the 'stranger' taking care of their loved one.... and we don't get paid near enough... so hang in there... your heart is in the right place.... you are doing an awesome job under the circumstances and asking for help only validates that...... if you didn't care, you wouldn't be trying to figure this out.... lots of hugs and respect sent to you...
The other thing which you tossed intoi the mix was that the son recently lost a daughter to alcoholism, and is gong through a divorce. I can't think of much more trauma than that. As well, he is looking after a very difficult mother, who, incidentally, has lost a granddaughter. Not that she did not have problems before, but that loss is likely adding to those problems. Frankly, I can't imagine how he is feeling, and it may make him a little less able, at present, to be flexible regarding his mother's care.
Blessing - I think if you could get some help with the bathing it would be good. You are wise to look after your back .I gather the son is not open to his mum having more bed baths which might be easier for you, though you might need help there with lifting too. I do agree that you have to detach, and let her coments roll off your back, or the nastiness will get you down. You may well find the same in other jobs caregiving seniors, so it is a skill you need to develop. She (RN) has a lifetime of problems and you are not one of the, though you are a target at present. Offering her more control over something may help. One way to respond to anger from someone else is to reflect it back to them - i.e. say that you can see she is very angry/upset at being forced to shower. That way you are validating her feelings. It tends to stop them in their tracks as they are not used to it, and it helps them to see that you are getting how they are feeling. Also asking her if she has some preferences may help. It certainly can't hurt.
God bless you for taking on such a job, and working to do your very best at it. You sound like a very caring individual. ((((((hugs))))))) Joan
I think hired caregivers are underpaid angels. You both have my heartfelt admiration.
I am really sorry about your injury, and know it will take time before you get a settlement. You are in a very different situation compared to what you were before - looking after, presumably, normal kids. Yes, detaching and letting the nastiness roll of your back is difficult - no question of that. However, detaching will help you survive, if you want to keep this job. Again, I commend you for seeking to find answers to a very difficult situation. Good luck, and keep us updated.
I commend you on being such a caring, compassionate caregiver - hang in there!