My husband has alzheimers (mid stage). I have Multiple Sclerosis (currently in remission), Chronic Kidney disease (3B, stable). We own our home outright and have saved and planned for our retirement. SIL lives about 5 hours away from us in an area with very high cost of living. She is divorced, no children, rents a house for last 10 years. Two years ago her landlord gave her notice he was selling all of his rentals. She approached me asking for help with a down payment to buy the house. I agreed to do that. Very quickly it became a crisis and she asked us to buy the house at a lower than market price and rent to her. Landlord agreed and I persuaded husband we could afford to help. Next thing, SIL says landlord is afraid we will sell house to take a profit and abandon her. SIL claims landlord wants house to go in irrevocable trust with her as beneficiary...We walked away at that point. Drama ensued, she accused me of abandoning her, leaving her suicidal and on verge of homelessness. I stopped communicating mostly for last year and half. When our first grandchild was born in October, I sent photos and info about her new nephew. I actually had hopes the tides had turned. She and I talked once after that and she said landlord wasn't selling the house because she had no options. She had part time job as home companion. Then, day after Cristmas she launched an attack criticizing us for not sending money for Christmas as we usually do. She assaulted my morals and family values more or less because she was in hospital during holiday. She said she would be checking in every day on us if things were in reverse. She never told us she was in hospital!
My delimma: I am willing to help her but not buy that house for her. I would never hand over any large cash payment directly to her. Living with us is out of question. She is very alone in the world and I'm concerned she could be experiencing early dementia, hence her poor judgment. My Husband has one of the APOE4 genes. I have read so many stories here of family members with narcissistic traits trying to exploit families living with dementia. I feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck. I would appreciate your thoughts and advice. BTW, I've blocked her from my text and phone. I gave her one warning that if personal attack continued, I would block her. She immediately tested my resolve, so I blocked her.
Of which she gives about half to her bloodsucking relatives. Somebody's in jail (again) and she bails them out. Her YS has had 2 out of wedlock babies with no daddy in sight and DIL props her up.
This could go on and on. She wanted to retire and manage her practice and work 1 day a week by the time she was 45. That was last year--and my son had to break the news to her that she didn't have enough money saved/invested for her to quit. I think that really stings--she's learned that giving and giving when you really need to care for yourself & family first and then other family--the hard way.
I have never let her pay for even an airline ticket when I'd go tend the kids for a week.
Your sister's situation sounds super, super fishy. Keep those boundaries tight and remember the famous line that the word "no" is a complete sentence.
You owe your SIL nothing. She has no idea how much money you have or don't have, so tell her "sorry we just really don't have the money." I know MS meds are expensive, a friend of my DDs is in debt because of the shot. You need to hold on to what you have. There is help out there for her, she just needs to go to Social Services and Office of Aging. I am sure there are food closets. Help with utilities, but she has to find them.
No.
Haven't read below yet but my guess is a chorus of No.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this sort of behaviour - but you seem to be handling it very well.
Living your values (offering help) but holding firm to your boundaries (no to handing money over). Really, well done!
People with difficult personalities or even disordered personalities are the biggest boundary testers in my opinion.
A 'Taker' disguised up Family can be the hardest type to spot. Again, well done so far.
You gave her fair warning. She tested you, and you blocked her. Bravo 👏! Keep it that way. She doesn’t deserve your generosity.
You woke up. I am not worried about you. Great job!
The thing concerning me is her dementia. And if it isn't dementia, what is it? She must have some mental illness going on.
Another thing is her personal attacks on you. Anyone trying to get help from someone would have more sense than to personally attack the person they're asking. It's like she's lost her filters that should be telling her that attacking you is counterproductive and won't produce the result she says she wants - your help with the house.
I don't see an upside for you anywhere in this bundle of woes. Since you and husband have enough going on to take care of yourselves, my advice is to back off and not provide any help at all. She's shot herself in the foot, so to speak. You have no obligation to her.
Sad, but protect yourself from those who would do you harm. She's one of them.
When my husband died, his sister attacked me for refusing to allow her and her sons (under 5) move into our house or give our house to her.
The sense of entitlement in these bullies astounds me!
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