My husband has alzheimers (mid stage). I have Multiple Sclerosis (currently in remission), Chronic Kidney disease (3B, stable). We own our home outright and have saved and planned for our retirement. SIL lives about 5 hours away from us in an area with very high cost of living. She is divorced, no children, rents a house for last 10 years. Two years ago her landlord gave her notice he was selling all of his rentals. She approached me asking for help with a down payment to buy the house. I agreed to do that. Very quickly it became a crisis and she asked us to buy the house at a lower than market price and rent to her. Landlord agreed and I persuaded husband we could afford to help. Next thing, SIL says landlord is afraid we will sell house to take a profit and abandon her. SIL claims landlord wants house to go in irrevocable trust with her as beneficiary...We walked away at that point. Drama ensued, she accused me of abandoning her, leaving her suicidal and on verge of homelessness. I stopped communicating mostly for last year and half. When our first grandchild was born in October, I sent photos and info about her new nephew. I actually had hopes the tides had turned. She and I talked once after that and she said landlord wasn't selling the house because she had no options. She had part time job as home companion. Then, day after Cristmas she launched an attack criticizing us for not sending money for Christmas as we usually do. She assaulted my morals and family values more or less because she was in hospital during holiday. She said she would be checking in every day on us if things were in reverse. She never told us she was in hospital!
My delimma: I am willing to help her but not buy that house for her. I would never hand over any large cash payment directly to her. Living with us is out of question. She is very alone in the world and I'm concerned she could be experiencing early dementia, hence her poor judgment. My Husband has one of the APOE4 genes. I have read so many stories here of family members with narcissistic traits trying to exploit families living with dementia. I feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck. I would appreciate your thoughts and advice. BTW, I've blocked her from my text and phone. I gave her one warning that if personal attack continued, I would block her. She immediately tested my resolve, so I blocked her.
She is a victim of her own choices. You do not have to be a victim of her choices. Maybe you can call a social worker in her city for her? Or google social services in that city and see if there’s somebody you can tip off to help her.
Your sister would be better in an apartment. Then she just pays the rent and utilities. You call maintenance when there is a problem. You could help her by paying security deposit and first and last months rent. There are resources she can take advantage of.
If I were you, I would 'get out of Dodge' - in other words, if you are too young to know that phrase, let your sister-in-law manage her own needs and especially financial.
* As I see it, she is unstable, mentally / psychologically, or cognitively - and unable to care for herself - as needed.
- Her financial situation will continue to change by way of her asking for more and more ... and more financial and otherwise support. She will drain you/r husband dry if she can. She will try.
SIL needs a social worker, therapist, etc. I am sure you know this.
* I believe the 'best help / support" you can / could provide is to get her in the system for financial support however that manifests. DO NOT participate in helping her out financially as this will / would then (likely) legally, be considered 'her income' and show 'her' ability to pay her way. She cannot.
* IF you decide to buy a home or (mobile home?) or some real estate, be sure it is in your/husband's name - you are the property owners. I still sense this isn't the way to go - she could / may likely / possibly trash the place. And perhaps call YOU day after day for 'repairs' - do you want this headache? Answer: NO.
YOU and your husband have enough to manage with your own health needs and future. You have saved or managed your $ to retire. Don't give that away. It is a faucet that will never turn off.
The comment about narcissistic traits in the family is the icing on the cake = do not go there. Get her into the system and be minimally involved. Although providing referrals is a HUGE support to her.
Accept she'll be mad / pi-sed / squawk / have a tandrum / try to wear you / your husband down. Be prepared ahead of time mentally for how you will handle this.
- Stay firm with your decisions.
- Do not argue or repeat yourself. State your position / 'boundaries of support' and if she persists, tell her you will send her a written agreement or 'understanding of support' - she will 'try' to convince you / she will strategize as this is what people do who cannot manage their own life / needs. She'll see a 'weak link' and zero in (if she has the cognitive ability to do so).
- Put your terms in writing (make it very official) if that feels right. She'll know you are serious if you do so - or perhaps she'll get it.
- Deal with your own guilt or sensitivity / desire to 'help' - be gentle with yourself. Caring for another / family is not easy and feelings - conflicting feelings will arise. If you need, get into short term therapy yourself.
You are a lovely, wonderful s-i-l. Keep your retirement nestegg. You'll need it.
Gena / Touch Matters
She can rent anywhere.
Or are you getting all the facts from SIL?
Later, it was SIL who conveyed to me he was willing to go forward. I regret not calling him at that point. That's when I had house appraised and inspected. I don't remember how long but very soon after that SIL texted to report the landlord believed we would flip the house for a quick profit and he required a trust to give SIL any profit if house is sold. Alarm bells rang immediately. It sounded a lot like "projection" coming from SIL to me. I did not want to give her the opportunity to have rights to any gain from a sale. She could stop paying rent forcing me to sell and she could walk with the profit.
Is the manipulative drama behavior from SIL new or has she always been difficult? If she has always been a difficult person and a taker (perhaps with borderline personality disorder, etc.), I think you’re wise to keep your distance to protect yourself and hubby.
If the behavior is new and out of character, that seems like a completely different scenario. In that case I could see trying to help her find resources and medical care, whatever (but not being her wallet!).
What are you basing this statement on? That she probably wouldn't pay the rent.
Let me tell you something about poor folks. They are very often respectable and responsible. They pay their rent and many have good credit believe it or not.
I grew up poor and I have lived in hardship in my adult life. I paid my rent. It meant a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for supper for a while, but I paid it. My lights got turned off for a few days but I paid it in time. I never stiffed a landlord.
Don't assume that the SIL probably won't pay the rent.
The SIL is totally alone and has been renting her home herself for at least the last ten years as the OP has stated.
The OP also states that she's concerned her SIL has early dementia suggesting she "educate" her on how to save money is pretty ridiculous, don't you think?
Let me let you in on a little secret. You can't save what you don't have.
You've probably never been alone and desperate. If you have then you would not make such a nonsense suggestion.
He has caused untold damage financially and to my property. I moved and have blocked him except for email. That way I keep my answers to a few words.
Don’t let her play on your sympathies. You earned your money, you deserve to spend it, not her.
Does your son have a social worker or conservator looking out for him if he has mental illness and can't care for himself?
There's a big difference between playing on someone's sympathies and being desperately down and out.
You can also place an anonymous call to APS ( Adult Protective Services) in the area where she lives and report what behaviors , needs etc that she is experiencing. Let APS take it from there. Between her, the landlord and you, there is a perfect " Drama Triangle" building which will only end in disaster.
Get yourself Attorney advice ASAP. She is playing the " guilt trip", drama scene scenario "; stop taking the emotional abuse she is dealing out in her calls.
You agreed to help her because you can afford to and were willing to buy the house at a reduced price and she would pay you rent.
The second you hear the term 'Irrevocable Trust' you renege on your willingness to help her out. Do you understand how a Trust works? You would own the property she lives in. You would not be buying it for her. By having it in Trust means that she can live there but can't sell it. You do not have to make her the inheritor of that property either. A lawyer makes up a Trust. It can say whatever conditions you want it to and I don't think your SIL or anyone else was expecting you to buy a house and give it to her.
It was good of her landlord to not sell her place. Clearly this guy values your family more than you do.
As for you giving her one warning about the personal attacks or you'll block her. I'm sure this woman has far more pressing matters than worrying about you blocking communications from her. Matters like how she's going to get by and not becoming homeless.
Live and learn. Can I give you one valuable word of advice that will serve you well.
Don't offer to step up and help a person if you don't really mean it. It's better to let people think you're selfish or the "bad guy" then to make offers to desperate people that you have no intention of following through on.
I would have put a full stop to the help as well, the person seeking help doesn't get to make the rules, as you often tell posters. Just because this lady isn't a demented elder doesn't change that rule. Let alone a landlord getting involved and trying to tie up assets for what purpose? Nothing good guaranteed!
Quite frankly, nobody gets to tell someone else how they are going to handle their own assets. This whole situation smells to high heaven and I think the OP did the right thing blocking her grifter SIL.
SAVE THAT MONEY FOR YOUR FAMILY. You may need more help which cost money then where would you be if it wasn't there.
Stay true to yourself and family. In the end you will need all the finances you have to support yourselves.
I WOULD NOT do anything to help her. She isn't your children which I could see if you were helping them if you have any.
As I said before STOP ENABLING HER.
Prayers
Meaning, I will help find you the resources but you have to follow thru. I may take you to Social Services or Office of Aging to get help but you better take advantage of what is offered. I had a friend who could no longer drive complain about getting to Dr visits and shopping. I told her to sign up for the Senior bus. She told me she did but never heard from them. "Did you call?" I am pretty sure she never applied. But, you expect people to cart u around. I think she asked me once to drive her somewhere, I did. I never volunteered. She never asked again.
You gave her fair warning. She tested you, and you blocked her. Bravo 👏! Keep it that way. She doesn’t deserve your generosity.
You woke up. I am not worried about you. Great job!
Of which she gives about half to her bloodsucking relatives. Somebody's in jail (again) and she bails them out. Her YS has had 2 out of wedlock babies with no daddy in sight and DIL props her up.
This could go on and on. She wanted to retire and manage her practice and work 1 day a week by the time she was 45. That was last year--and my son had to break the news to her that she didn't have enough money saved/invested for her to quit. I think that really stings--she's learned that giving and giving when you really need to care for yourself & family first and then other family--the hard way.
I have never let her pay for even an airline ticket when I'd go tend the kids for a week.
Your sister's situation sounds super, super fishy. Keep those boundaries tight and remember the famous line that the word "no" is a complete sentence.
Just say no.
Why when you were finally free from her, did you decide to contact her and bring her back into your life?
Not your circus not your monkeys. Don't even consider buying and renting to her, she most likely would not pay you.
Keep her blocked and take care of you!
Sending support your way!
No.
Haven't read below yet but my guess is a chorus of No.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this sort of behaviour - but you seem to be handling it very well.
Living your values (offering help) but holding firm to your boundaries (no to handing money over). Really, well done!
People with difficult personalities or even disordered personalities are the biggest boundary testers in my opinion.
A 'Taker' disguised up Family can be the hardest type to spot. Again, well done so far.
I had to laugh at what Ana said. Where does a sister think she trumps a wife? And where do u think that ur brothers widow owes u anything? I remember when I first joined this forum a woman was all upset because SS stopped her brothers check after his death. She had bills to pay! Not sure if the bills were hers, his or they shared a place. Sure she was told if his, just inform his debtors he is gone. If bills they shared, oh well. Her response, thats not right. Lady thats how it works. If he had a job and died, the job would not continue to pay her. Then there was a woman who thought her adult children should get her deceased brothers SS.
When my Dad died my SIL said we 3 kids should send Mom so much a month. I said good idea but lets wait to see how she handles the money she gets. Mom handled the family finances. She did great. Never seemed to have any problems. Me, her birthday and MDay were the same time of the year so I took her clothes shopping as her gifts. What did my SIL do. She would send Mom tops she would have never bought or wore. Yep, still in a bottom drawer when I cleaned out never worn. I suggested money for birthday, MDay and Christmas then she could buy what she needed with them. Nope, had to send a gift that never came on time or at all. And I hate it when people assume we have money. I have never given that impression.
I do not help those who do not help themselves. I have never loaned what I could not afford to loose. I paid a niece's rent telling my DH we would never get it back. When her SSD went thru and they received her retro, we and others were paid back. I would loan to her again.
You did right. This sister has made her bed and its not up to you to bail her out. There are resources out there she just has to work to find them.
I guess My in laws had expectations that BIL would be stepping up to plate to take care of sister when they died.
BIL sold the family home last year to which my husband lost any inheritance to (a separate sorry story). He had to take sister because he sold where she lived, He bought a home in another state that did not have a separate space for sister. BIL had the audacity to demand we pay 50K to put an extension on the home they just bought so she would not be under foot,
We actually consulted with an attorney in the state where they moved to check if we had obligations. We did not so we told BIL to deal with it. Not our problem if you bought a house that does not fit your life style.
BIL is a spoiled entitled individual who actually thinks his brother needs to subsidize his lifestyle.
You have enough on your plate, dear lady.
She sounds like quite the grifter to me.