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Luckily this person is still mostly continent. She's great at taking off her old diaper. Refuses to put on a new one. Instead she rather her pants be her diaper. While she is mostly continent, there's still stuff left over. I would appreciate any tips to persuade her to put on a fresh diaper. Sorry if this is the wrong forum. If so, what's a more apropos one.

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Here's our experience. Hope something "clicks" for you. 1. We just call them her underwear -- no diapers, no pull-ups, no attention to anything unusual. We have "daytime underwear" (Depends in a pretty peach color) and "nighttime underwear" (white and heavy-duty, but still kind of crinkly and pretty). I also tell her I have had to start using the same thing and I'm 30 years younger than she is, so it's really just an inevitable age thing, but one we can do something to manage. 2. Mom now wears skirts, not slacks making it easier both to get the old one off and the fresh one on. 3. She never feels they are wet (because they are really good at keeping the wet sensation away from her skin). If she waited to feel wet, she would never change them. So we check to see if they are 'heavy' instead. That somehow diverts her mind from the idea of "wetting her pants" which is so abhorrent to her. If they're heavy, she wants one that's not heavy. 4. Fresh ones are always in a little basket in front of the toilet, in her direct line of sight and the hamper for the old ones is just to the left of that. The issue seemed to be not remembering. So I printed out a pretty sign that says "Please remember to always have underwear on" and posted it right beside the door to the bathroom (still visible from the toilet). She finds that to be a silly sign because "who would not remember to always have underwear on". I agree with her and say, "Some days we forget the darnedest things, so I just write notes about the ones that are most important so we don't get caught by surprise." That seems to satisfy her. Plus, I can then ask her, "so you remembered today, didn't you?" She says, "yes, of course", and I tell her 'good job; that's perfect'. Or, "The sign is mostly a reminder for days when we're kind of fuzzy-headed or not yet fully awake." (Note: the wording was important -- a sign that said 'don't forget to put new underwear on' got no results. I've since come to understand that that's because the subconscious mind doesn't understand the word "don't" and only hears "forget to put new underwear on" - so actually it did get results; just not the ones I intended. The "please remember" version (in pretty colors and with hearts surrounding it, etc.) has worked surprisingly well. Last thing, she has learned that I will check for underwear if I'm suspicious and bring her one wherever she is with a sweet smile and offer to help (no blame or shame). She then has to stand up to put them on, and standing up from a chair is painful, so she's motivated to not have to do that any more often than necessary. I've also learned to put my hands gently on her hips in just the place that allows me to feel whether or not she has underwear on without feeling invasive or threatening to her private parts. It's been the most challenging and interesting journey!
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Linda, that was the most incredible, sensitive, kind answer that I have ever read on this site. Thank you!
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Agree with all suggestions provided. Ways I tried are exactly as 'Lindabf' I use the term underwear. Observed that after mini strokes with memory gaps new situations are not retained, such as the use of a diaper, I used to have to reexplain, returning to the term of 'underwear' has helped in obtaining cooperation. From folding towels a new or different way is difficult for her, maintaining the way she has folded towels is of no problem, guess like ingrained muscular memory. In my mom's case she needs different night diapers, came about because a normal diaper was not enough for the full night and she would take it off and simply take another pair of pj bottoms often the bed would then get soaked. She has bladder situation. In her case, she does not get wet during the day, except for leaks, she goes to bathroom on her own. Even in the day she would not change the diaper, only reason it goes well is her daytime problem does not need a second change. She always says she does not know how to put them on, oddly when I changed my language to reflect 'underwear' she gets it, did this since she had no problem putting on her pants, she was trying to cooperate. Guess diapers like anything new, such as the towel folding experience, is simply that she cannot remember. More important to maintain a happy environment which is what I often found most stressful. She is now in an 'intermediate' home where her meals are taken care of, 24 hour care, she has her own roomy studio. Gradually I worked this from 5 days at my home 2 at the residence. Then half and half. Now after six months I take my mother out every third day or fourth day, out late morning to 7h00 pm, either my home or to shop and walk. She is now accepting of her new home. Have returned to some kind of normality for myself and my husband. My mother went from totally autonomous to a fall, and 4 month hospital stay. Things changed very fast and I was not ready. While the person is autonomous yet no longer able to wash and feed herself, looking into where you will need to go next is important since 'intermediate' homes are rare. System goes from autonomous to very incapacitated. Unfair when just help is needed with wash, meals and bath/bathroom issues are needed. Finally obtained such a place, it has been a godsend. There are activities yet she was never that type of individual, she likes people and loves just watching and talking with staff and residents. Stress that gradual change is way to go with aging, my mother is fully mobile, she has come through pneumonia. Goal for myself is to accept and just go for happy, have realized it is not about me it is about her, not her fault, keep the dignity and happy thing going. I thought that it would be easy to find 'respite' or 'intermediate' care, it was a huge surprise when this was not the case at this time. Place time looking up where and how many of these places you may have available when needed, we all would save ourselves a ton of grief and exhaustion when the need arises. Hugs, thoughts of love, patience to you.
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Linda's answer was great. I take care of a male 91, and use the term underpants for everything. One additional thing I did was buy Men's Guards which are pads to put in the Depends so when he needs a change I only have to change out the pads and not the Depends (for the most part!).
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This would be a major problem. It's generally agreed to not use the term diaper. Having said that, try putting diaper in the search for this website. You'll get more ideas. I know it's frustrating. Perhaps you could offer her an incentive? "As soon as you put on your pull up we will (fill in the blank)." Maybe a new design that is more appealing to her would work? Hopefully this is just a phase and will pass soon. I might try taking her pants until she has the pull up on. "Let me take those pants to the washer while you put on your pull-up. I'll bring you a fresh pair "
"Do you want to take a shower now or just use a wipe and a fresh pull-up".
This might make the pull-up more attractive if she doesn't like the shower. Perhaps she associates the pull ups as all being dirty? I had a problem with my mom wanting hers to be huge but she never refused to wear them. My aunt declares that she really likes her. I think she was tired of fooling with the pads.
Hopefully you'll get more answers. I think it's a common problem.
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I think I might understand what the "thought" process is.
If the "pull up brief" is not "soiled" throwing it away is wasteful.
If this situation occurs mid day can she be convinced to place the brief that is a "little" soiled into a hamper in the bathroom. You can tell her these will be cleaned and put back in her drawer. Ones that are truly wet or dirty she can toss in the garbage. Or even in the same "hamper" and they will be all taken care of later.
This concept might be easier than thinking that they will be tossed out..
The other obvious fact is this person needs supervision in the bathroom to be sure that proper hygiene is being done.
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Linda's description is very similar to what we did earlier on... except we called them "pads" as my mom has always worn a "pad" of some kind. Panty liners etc. So it was natural. As mom progressed, I went in the restroom with her and handed her the needed supplies and helped if she needed it. I started providing flushable wipes too for added freshening up. We even had a small makeup bag in her purse with needed supplies for when we were out. I became very familiar with the places that provided an appropriate restroom...either "family" or handicapped with room for assistance.
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My father refuses to wear a depends and so me and my brother wash his underwear 2-3 times per day. I remind him that my aunt wore them and that there is nothing to be embarressed about. I fib and tell him I know people my age (52) that wear them and that all older woman wear them. He simply will not budge. I believe it is his pride even though he is 92 and has dementia. I wish I could find a way for him to put them on bc we have had several VERY MESSY accidents..... Not easy.
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Well, they are not "diapers" - they are briefs - disposable underwear - (here at my children's hospital, we call them hospital pants) - with whatever reason you can come up with for using them instead of plain old regular "cloth underwear." You can always conveniently run out of regular underwear too. That said, if accidents are very occasional you might tolerate them if the person prefers. Sometimes we have a problem of parents or nurses keeping the incontinence products even if there is almost never a problem, "just in case" which I personally think is not good either.
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What wonderful caregiver you are Lindabf,very loving and kind.
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