Mmm777 Asked December 2021
Please share your helpful tips ...what helps / helped you most when you started keeping track and paying your parent's or loved one's bills?
Follow
Share
My father has been bouncing checks. His water and internet were turned off as a result and he's had to pay late fees. There are many more reasons. I'm really worn out from him and a lifetime chaos he has created. I would love some helpful suggestions to make it as least stressful as possible. I do need to be able to look at all activity on his accounts because he falls for scams. Thank you in advance.
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
17 Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Husband coerced me to take care of mom in my home for years, promising to share his large inheritance. He now says it's "all his". Opinions?
- Financial obligations?
- I care for my father (98). He has a bank account with his name or my name on the account. Advice?
- How do I find financial help to care for elderly parents full time?
Ask a Question
Easiest is if you can fully take over the bank account and take Dad's cheque book away.
Set up as many of his recurring bills on autopay as you can. Make sure you are getting email copies of the bills or have online access to the billing company.
Do not pay any of Dad's bills with your own funds or out of your funds to be reimbursed. This creates a nightmare to unravel in the future.
I am a numbers girl. I love spread sheets, my local credit union allows me to download my banking information into a spreadsheet, then I can categorize everything.
To allow Dad to still feel he has some independence you can leave one account with a small balance for him to have access to. I woudl suggest just letting him have a debit card on the account, not a cheque book, as he cannot go into overdraft on a debit card.
You can only protect your Dad if he allows it until/unless he is diagnosed as demented and unable to control his finances, and you get guardianship. That would be difficult and costly and a problem I would to be frank never take on. Just not up to it. I sure wish you luck. This was hard to do what with calling ALL entities, sending POA papers, etc, and that with someone wonderful, organized, and completely cooperative. I could never have done it otherwise.
If you don't wish to do this for him, then call your local Council on Aging/Aging Services and say that he needs someone to help take over his finances (needs a fiduciary). You don't have to take all this on if you can't - they can get someone else to manage this aspect for him. As someone else mentioned, no one can make him give up control if he is still legally competent, but CoA can help start a case for him and get him what help he'll agree to.
When I took over my father's finances, I did what others suggested: got POA, had him add my name to his one checking account, had checks made with both my name ([my name], POA) and his on them, got access to his email, set up online accounts for his bills, and then either changed the bills to paperless (notices coming to his email that I monitor), or changed the mailing address so bills come to me (don't change the name on the account, though - you want them to be charged to him, and you just pay them). I monitored his mail for several months, then had it forwarded to my home address to catch everything, contacting companies/agencies in his stead when I saw it was needed, to change mailing address/billing preferences. His money goes directly into the shared checking account (which only holds HIS money), and when bills come, I pay them online or via check from that account. Then, when it seemed he didn't need them (and that him having them at his facility was just an opportunity to lose them), with his permission I now keep his checkbook and credit cards with me. He has a small account with his AL facility for what little spending money he wants. This ensures that he has some spending money, but he doesn't need to remember to pay bills, and he has no way to get confused and give a scammer money.
Good luck. I know this is hard.
BUT, she has shopped a lot from catalogs, then returns the items and won't pay the shipping and that has gotten her in trouble. Again--if she didn't have access to a couple of credit cards, this would not happen.
So, someday, I hope I am with it enough to know that I will need my eldest daughter to help me with finances. Right now I do the entirety of it and it's 99% online.
I can see, however, that someone who is not the least bit tech friendly would balk at not being to 'write checks'--and lose that feeling of control.
When my brother was diagnosed with Lewy's (probable early) he made me POA and Trustee of Trust. We saw his lawyer and had all the airtight papers drawn up that no bank would question.
I was added to all accounts to manage them. I signed all bills with his name and with me as his POA or as Trustee on Trust accounts.
I had to contact each entity (insurance, car, electric bill, and etc, bank,and etc) one at a time, had to send all my papers, had to be added to account as the one managing the account and bills, had the bills sent to me.
I did not need to become SocialSecurity rep payee as his SS went into his trust account.
I kept a ledger of every penny into my brothers accounts (SS, interest, etc) and every penny out by bills, kept a folder for each bill. I had my brother keep a notebook with all his accounts (minus details) and all monies in and out on a monthly basis. He had a personal spending account, as he did not live in my area (though in the same state).
Even in an easy and well organized estate it was VERY VERY taxing. If you are not up to this consider a paid Licensed Fiduciary. Especially in the beginning it's a big job. Once the machinery is set up and well oiled it goes along pretty well, long as there are not properties, and etc.
If he ever assigns you PoA (and my money is that at this stage, based on what you've added below, he won't) you will not be liable if you sign all forms correctly "as Power of Attorney". You are not liable for anything that you are not co-signer or joint on with him.
Getting him to stop driving can only happen if he is either cognitively incapacitated (and has a diagnosis in his medical records) or if there is actual evidence of dangerous driving (you drive with him or behind him and see stuff, or others have reported him). Being able to afford a car is another matter.
Please have a long conversation with yourself as to why you feel compelled to swirl the drain with him after you've been tormented by his chaos your entire life? Perhaps have a few sessions with a therapist, who can provide objective clarity and help you decide whether you have a co-dependent relationship with him and should disconnect. Many, many participants on this site can give you their personal experiences with this. May you gain peace in your heart through it all!
When I started with my mom, I got her a credit card (you determine the credit limit) for all of her purchases. Also set up a checking account for her to use to get cash, donate to church, etc. I was able to keep an eye on her credit card and checking account by viewing them online and setting up numerous alerts ( daily balances, large withdrawals, etc.).
But all the bills were sent to me (including the one for the credit card) and were paid from the checking & savings accounts I set up for her at a different bank.
At first, she was somewhat hesitant, but over time she became very comfortable with the idea. She did insist that her SS check be deposited to her account, so every month I ask her if it's ok to transfer from her account to her other account so I can pay the bills. (Link the accounts to make it easy.) We settled on an approximate amount to keep in the account she controls; that amount has decreased over time as she's become more comfortable with my "taking care of everything" so she doesn't have to worry. I also put a credit freeze on all her accounts because of the scam issue.
If you haven't already done so, set up a system to track all of the accounts, passwords, assets & liabilities, etc. I recommend a planner titled "Get it together", which you can find on nolo.com; it's been a lifesaver! Good luck!
If he has been bouncing checks or runs a low balance, I would not suggest doing automatic debits for bills. Tell dad his check bouncing is creating a problem at the bank and give him a debit card with only a small amount to spend. You can set up two accounts at the bank - one for the debit card for his personal use. If, by chance he gives that card number to some scammer, you can at least control how much would be stolen and it wouldn't clean out the main bank account. You transfer some money each month to that acct. The other account is the main account for bill paying. His personal spending won't come out of that; just the bills.
I have a ledger for bills. At the top are all of the monthly bills that have to be paid each month. I know when each one due bases off past statements. The middle section is monthly expenses that are autodrafts out of the account. I look at statement to see if there has been any increases in price that I need to monitor (I use a printer ink plan, take the newspaper, etc). The bottom of the list is periodic expenses so I can track them, such as annual club fees, annual supplemental med policy, quarterly pest control. quarterly lawn maintenance, etc). I created online accounts for each one of the bills and have a list of user ID's and passwords so that I can access all of these accts from anywhere.
This system has made it much easier for me to keep track of parent and my own bills so I don't forget about something. Even if the statement doesn't arrive by mail, I know it is due. (I never understood people saying their phone got cut off because the company didn't mail them a bill....I mean...you know you owe the bill every month even if you don't get the paper statement)
Signed up with the post office to get a photo of every piece of mail going to the mailbox.
Set up credit cards to send a text when a charge is made to the card.
Set up credit card online so he knows the login and password.
Balance the checkbook in Excel which gives access to the statements.
Grab the junk mail, call them and give them a new address (his) so he can trash it all.
Set up bills to autopay.
Get every account number, login and password.
I did this years ago for my mother and did not need to invoke any POA. Rather, I just called each bill with her sitting next to me and she gave verbal approval for me to continue the conversation.
The only bill my mom writes a check for is her credit card. And, I set up an auto draft for minimum balance if her check is late so she doesn't get additional fees (the customer service agent suggested that to me, which I really appreciated). The auto draft cleans up mom's mail which was overwhelming her, and made bills simple for me to manage easily on my phone.
I feel sorry for anyone who is actually writing checks for routine bills in 2022.
I had my fathers POA as well while he was alive, and one day I was bringing in his mail and noticed an envelope from the attorney. I opened it. He was in middle of removing my name from being POA for both parents!! ( again, he wanted NO ONE knowing his business) Luckily I found the letter and tore it up, and he forgot all about it. He had dementia as well and was constantly driving and getting lost and ending up in other states. So scary! The police had to be called. I digress.
but major advice to you is to never write out checks for over $499.99.
otherwise you must jump through hoops to explain these if your parent must go into Medicaid.
when you pay anything write on the receipts the check numbers, the date paid. Save everything. Adopt a file system. Save every receipt. You may need to prove everything one day.
set up an office and copy every single important paper twice and keep one copy in your computer and one in your file cabinet. You cannot be too safe in having everything verified. Do your homework in finding and locating a good elder care lawyer in case you might one day need one and they may need these receipts one day. ( mine was a godsend)
if you have siblings they may or may not agree with your decisions. Hopefully you have the strength to know and do what is right for your parent and follow through. Too many opinions from siblings can make things difficult.