POA brother and his wife moved my mom out of AL in GA to one in New Bern, NC near the Marine Corps base at Cherry Point. Mom has not been thriving for over a year and now she has contracted C-diff in the AL. She told me she wants to get out of the AL he put her in. She’s lost weight and says she’s starving. Me and brother are estranged. Can I (and should I) try and bring her back to my home in GA if she receives hospice care? He controls mom’s money and won’t allow me to arrange medical care for her. I’m thinking he might let me do so if it’s hospice. Would I be able to get her what she needs without me absorbing costs? And defer all the bills to him? He does not have FPOA but is jointly named on her accounts. She does not want to die at the place he put her in. Might say she is living with the consequences of giving him authority over her but it’s pretty harsh if she has to languish in that condition. Could I get stuck with her hospice bills? Can I care for her without the POA? It’s just a thought for now. Thanks.
She can change her POA if she wants to. Give her the name of a local lawyer.
She made her choices and they have consequences. Her not being happy doesn't mean you react and rescue her from the consequences of HER choices.
Go back and read how low she went to hurt you and how adversely it effected your health, nothing has changed, she's back to pulling your strings again.
You didn't do this and you can't fix it, please stay strong and don't intervene on her words and whims.
You are feeling tender because Mother's Day just passed and that is the time of year she stomped your heart, it is what it is and you will never have the loving mom you deserve and desire, don't get sucked into her crap again.
Hugs full of strength to stay strong.
She kept calling her friends and telling them that she stuck "in the middle of nowhere". I'm sure they believed her.
First of all, mom isn’t starving. So cross that off her list. And you can get C-diff anywhere, so cross that off your list.
She might not want to die where she is, but everyone has to die somewhere. So stop chewing on that one.
What’s left is that you might want to get involved with your brother from whom you are estranged. And mom will go on complaining and manipulating and next thing you know she’s in hospice in your home. And brother keeps stirring the pot.
Don’t do it. At this time of year, there are so many nice things to do in Georgia. Have you ever been to Toccoa Falls? It’s beautiful. So is Tallulah Gorge. There are lovely beaches for a day trip. Get out and have fun. Put this sad family situation out of your thoughts and realize it isn’t ever going to be okay and that’s fine with you.
Also a reminder - "remote" is subjective. Unless you are living in Atlanta or another larger Georgia city, most of Georgia is just as "remote" as most of North Carolina, New Bern included. By that I mean both states are made up of a bunch of smaller towns, suburban and rural towns that surround larger towns and cities. New Bern is not some last stop for 1000 miles town. It is actually a beautiful, historic riverfront "small town" with a thriving culture. While technically in the vicinity of the Outer Banks, it is not one of the remote outer rim islands with very little access. It is on the mainland. There are over 32,000 people that live in the town. That's bigger than the town I live in, and I don't consider my town remote by any stretch of the imagination.
When I think "remote" I think nothing for miles. I think you are mixing up "remote" with rural. New Bern is beachy. Not desolate and some kind of ghost town.
I honestly think there are more reasons than the distance to avoid making the trip. Yes, travel would be expensive right now since it's high season at the beaches. But the emotional price you pay would probably be higher than the financial one.
If you are not her F or MPoA I don't know how you'd have any legal power to act on her behalf or move her out. You may need to pursue guardianship, but this can be very expensive and time consuming and if the judge sees family fighting over your Mom, may assign a third party guardian as a solution.
Or, you can seek family mediation through the courts to try to settle the issue cooperatively.
A fight for guardianship between estranged siblings would lead to easily 10,000 in court costs. The end result would almost certainly be in favor of the sibling already appointed as POA. Even worse, the control over Mom may be removed from BOTH siblings and given over to the State and court appointed fiduciaries.
Your Mom is very ill. The best thing you can do now is visit her. If she has C-Diff that's not responsive to treatment she may be in her last days; there will be wasting of the body and malnutrition.
As to hospice, it is end of life care. There would no longer be treatment for C-diff whether it worked or not. I think that you should speak with hospice in your area about what they provide. In this day and age when all medical care is part of the military-industrial complex and hedge funds are buying up hospices fast as they can you will get VERY LITTLE to almost NO CARE from hospice. They typically provide an aid twice a week for a bedbath, a bottle of morphine, an RN visit once a week, and a few calls from clergy or social worker. That's it often enough, and I just experienced that in the death of a friend end of last year. I have another friend who has worked in hospice all her career. The facts of it all now aren't good, and while it is the best we still have for end of life care, it is of little support.
I think you cannot imagine the care involved in your mom's case now. A visit to her giving her your loving support may more cement in your mind what is involved.
I am sorry for your situation, your Mom's as well. And I am sorry for the estrangement of her siblings, one of the hardest things for elders to see at the end of their lives.
Q: does this mean they will not pursue medical care for the C-diff? Will she simply be left to die in her room at AL? Can she not go back to hospital at all now that she’s on hospice? Doesn’t this pose serious threat for other residents in the facility? Finally, what are the chances I would even get to visit her if I go (I’m willing to gown up).
I understand hospice to the extent my dad was in-patient with terminal cancer so he never left the facility. However, I have friends whose family members went on and off hospice as needed for medical care.
Thanks for your input.
p.s. there was never any thought in my mind about pursuing guardianship again - been there done that. I only wanted to help care for her but I realize it’s not possible to bring her back to me in Atlanta.
I don’t think a visit is in anyone’s best interest at this point. Do I have y’all’s support?
I would consider NC... Teaches Hole... Edward Teach aka Black beard.
Kitty Hawk.. The Wright Brothers..
If you are concerned about Mom, call and talk to the staff. Ask them how she is. Does she engage in the activities there?
Does your mom have a cell phone? If not, ask a staff member if there is anyway possible to have a FAceTime call with her..? So you can see her, and visit her in that way...