This POA of my mother (her brother) is known to be a liar and abusive in his rights, such as not allowing visits or even phone calls. I called the facility every day demanding I speak to my mother. They finally got fed up and told him that he needed to reach out to me and handle this instead of them in the middle. He told me through text the other day that her dementia has gotten worse and she can't speak on the phone and no visits at this time. In the same text he said 2 weeks ago she went to the hospital because she couldn't breathe. She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I asked what kind of cancer and he said they didn't know, they were running tests and her first oncologist appointment was the other night. He will tell me more when he knows more.. I know nothing about cancer but... can you be diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and not know what kind of cancer because to me that makes no sense? I brought my mother a phone because he said he took hers away because it was "broken" the facility called him and told him and he said fine.. texted me and told me she doesn't know she has cancer so don't tell her and don't upset her or call late.. Does something seem off to you? Also doesn't stage 4 cancer take a longer time to develop ?? She goes regularly to the drs? I don't know tell me your thoughts please!
First of all diagnosis. Stage four MAY MEAN that they diagnosed cancer in the lung as a metastasis, but that they suspect the primary is somewhere else? It might mean ANYTHING. That is why you wait for the diagnostic workup. Tell her brother (who she chose as her POA) please to let you know when he has a diagnosis from the oncologist.
Do know also that stage 4 cancer means that the patient has metastasis, and is expected to die of this disease. While there may be treatment, there will be no "cure" and that this is a death sentence with now the POA having to decide many issues of quantity of life versus quality of life, and end of life wishes of the person he knows best. This will be a difficult time for her brother, as well as for you.
Nextly, the fact that the nursing home itself has asked that your Uncle intervene means that you are not accepting and understanding the facts, and that they are unable to make you understand on the phone, and have had to reach out to him.
It sounds as though your Mom is failing. If you wish to take part in her care (things are opening up now for visitation. I heard today MI is open to family visits in Extended care facilities again). Your Uncle is the "Lion at the Gate" and has power. Please offer him your support, your concern, your wish to be kept informed. I am asking you to thrown yourself upon his mercy and avoid an adversarial relationship in order to be able to be there for your Mom now. I wish you the very best and I am so sorry to hear this sad news for you.
Generally a cancer diagnosis is assigned by the primary source of the cancer, which may be first detected when it's spread to another system. For instance, maybe they saw it in an xray of her lungs first, but it's actual source was from her pancreas and what they see is the spread. They need to do tests on the cells to identify the source, and that can take several weeks. Certain cancers will not be visible during a routine office visit-they would make themselves known when the person starts to have symptoms. Some cancers can spread very rapidly.
A lot of testing is often needed to get the corrects results.
Do not fight with your uncle. He may be pretty stressed out--and dealing with a lot. Can you get to where mom is? See firsthand?
He may have his reasons for being 'adversarial'--I know my YB is VERY protective of mother, to a degree that it's just weird. But when I have a real question about her health, I take time to go see her.
Uncle cannot stop you from seeing your mom--he can try, but you have rights too.