Is having DPOA for a stubborn and complacent mother worth the aggravation or should I concede to the alternate?

When your mom becomes incompetent, your duty would be to make the "best" decision for her, that may not necessarily be in accordance with her wishes.

If you are, in your judgement, working in her best interest, you "should" not feel guilt. Easier said than done, should is a big word, I personally, would feel more guilt from abdicating.

My point is if you are concerned about the guilt of making hard decisions, the decision to not be involved may be just as guilt ridden.

You are between a rock and a hard place. Whatever you decide, embrace it and do not second guess yourself, if you o give up DPOA, make sure whomever takes over is ethical and strong enough to act in mom's best interest.

I am doing this, having been given the responsibility by both my parents and being the only remaining child. I've CERTAINLY had my days where I've thought it NOT worth the aggravation...and actually went to the attorney to ask about hiring someone to take over. BUT....as I was told...dealing with parents who are difficult, won't stop if you give the financial aspects to a third party...and you lose all control over what/how the money gets spent, so you for sure cannot control your parents wishes anymore. AND, they will still be yelling at you about what they don't like anyhow! Some serious points though....first: it is much easier to institute a POA before the parent is incompetent. If you do nothing until they are incompetent, you then have to go for guardianship, which takes much longer, and involves court and attorney. Second: with my experience of the past 18 months, if I could help anyone go through this faster and easier, I am stressing, you have to come to terms that when the parent becomes incompetent, YOU become the parent and YOU have to make decisions that do not make them happy. You have to learn how to manage these situations and come to believe that your first duty is to keep them safe and cared for, whether or not they like the 'how'. It helps to quickly understand that your mother, even if the sweetest and most cooperative person in the world before she needed help, will fight the notion of giving up control, like a wild animal!! The elderly do not want to be in this position at the end of their lives. They will NOT clearly hardly ever see that they really need the help....without going through sort of a 'tough love' situation, where they have to have their inabilities staring them in the face. In my case, my Dad did a trust, did all the POA work, had the elder care attorney and the plan years before needing them, because he knew he had dementia and he knew my Mom would not be able to care for him or make financial decisions because he had always been the one in charge. He took me to meetings with the lawyer and financial people so I would know the plan etc. BUT, when he started missing bills and needing help....it was STILL a huge fight!! He finally went with mom and signed off on the POA and turned things officially over to me. When I started paying bills, but allowing all other decisions he could make stay in place, he would get mad at what he did and try to go back and un do things with the lawyer. We had to get the two MD letters and declare him incompetent. Eventually, last January we had to place him...but not before having police come to the home several times, and hiring an in home caregiver part time, and eventually almost full time, so I could TRY to honor his wishes to stay in his own home. He and Mom could not cooperate with any plan. She couldn't tolerate his wandering at night and 'messing up' her house; putting food in the wrong places, keeping her awake worrying about him, yet she couldn't even cook him meals on time. She dealt with the situation by wanting to run away, shopping and leaving him alone...which upset him more and then they fought. He became more aggressive towards her, thus the police being called in. AND, in general, HE was the more reasonable one! MY mom is like your mom it sounds. She's a pistol...angry, paranoid, distrusting and unable to comprehend much...and has been this way all her life. She's now at home alone, with early dementia herself.....and insists all his well with her life. If she doesn't like something....she simply denies all reality around it. She refuses to accept that she signed POA same as dad....even though she understands that I've been paying all the bills, handling all the applications for long term care and placement and am the decision maker for him....she still insists that there is no way I have any authority to 'control her'....that she's perfectly capable. She is 88 and even with all her health problems, insists she is living to be 100 because 'her father did'....and staying in her own home and totally competent to the end! And, she is rapidly getting worse. So, YES....this DPOA will be an aggravation, but it should be done before incompetency sets in as it's easier....and even if you get a public fiduciary who is paid to handle things, you will still have the 'relationship' with your mother to deal with and, if she's like mine, she will still be calling you to complain what everyone else is 'doing to her' and wanting you to fix it. You will have to learn how not to argue, but to come to be able to handle your parent as you would your 6 yr old child....give choices where you can and say NO, that's not a choice where it must be your decision to keep them safe and cared for. And all the choices that keep her from being in control will have her upset no matter what. Just an aside....I do this from living 5 hrs away and I thank GOD daily that we moved away from their town 8 years ago before this happened. I could NOT have and still could not, move either of them into my home with me! Fortunately they've had good investments to pay for care in the home, or the facility or the attorney and case manager....but it's still highly stressful to do what I do from here and travel down there what is sometimes 2-3 times per month to handle things down there in Tucson. There is nothing fun about this. I recommend that everyone should pray that their elderly person die in their sleep before dementia or incompetence sets in. That's how it worked with my MIL....and settling her affairs was a breeze compared to what I am doing now!

Wow, has she always been like that or doesnt she feel well, I just don't understand with such little information. I sure know one thing, I would not go against my Moms wishes so maybe you should get someone else if you can. I know its hard and a long road, I am also a DPOA and Trustee and caring for my mom six years now in my home. Good luck, maybe you have a sibling who will do it, get a lawyer

Respectfully, end of life decisions aren't the only ones that may need to be handled. With Mom, we kept seeing body damage to her car. She admitted not remembering how to get to familiar places. With macular degeneration, slow reflexes and memory loss, she was, in essence, driving impaired. As DPOA, I had to take her license away. Was she angry? You betcha! But the guilt I felt was nothing compared to the guilt I would have felt attending the funerals of those she may have killed on the road. Mom stated emphatically that she would never leave her home. Filling the house with smoke, ignoring filth, etc. told us she shouldn't live alone. We all know what we do and do not want, but reality often trumps wishes. Absolutely, having DPOA is stressful, challenging and arduous. But for me, as her only surviving child, it's a privilege to be able to help insure her safety and quality of life. It's definitely not for the faint of heart. My biggest piece of advice is to take care of yourself. Get as much rest as possible, don't ignore symptoms, take mental & emotional health days and never be too proud, embarrassed or afraid to ask for help.

If you are not able to follow her wishes or do what is best for her, then no, it's not worth having the DPOA and living with the guilt. If, however, her wishes are unrealistic due to unclear thinking on her part, and you know decisions that need to be made will be in her best interest then you will have nothing to feel guilty about when the time comes. Something to think about.

I was DPOA for my husband. When I sat down with our five children to determine the alternates, we discussed trying to avoid the situation that you describe, Debralee. I told them that their father had some very strong beliefs, and that if they thought they might ever be faced with choosing to honor his beliefs or honoring their own, they should not take on that role. This was primarily in the realm of medical decisions, particularly end-of-life situations. (We didn't have enough money for the legal POA to be much of an issue.)

This wasn't about doing what their father "wanted" but rather what he "believed." If I died he might "want" to live alone in our house. He had dementia. No one in their right mind should have given in to what he "wanted" in that case. But he had long-standing beliefs about his right to die, and someone who would, because of their beliefs, insist on a feeding tube for him should simply not be his medical POA. Although the chance of one of the alternates having to act was slim (and didn't occur) we took this decision seriously.

A person should not choose for POA or Medical Proxy a person whose fundamental life outlook and beliefs does not match their own. A person with fundamentally different beliefs AND who could not set those beliefs aside for decisions about the principal should not accept the role.

Having a good match does not mean the POA must do everything the principal wants, especially when those wants are not realistic in terms of resources available or safety consequences. The POA must act in the principal's best interest, but it helps avoid huge stressful issues if the POA and principal are on the same page -- or at least singing from the same hymnal!

There seems some confusion here about what the wishes are that Debralee would have to go against. There's a big difference whether it's last wishes and how to die vs. wishes based on stubborness and irrationality. My feeling is it is wishes like never having to be in a nursing home and the like. I face a similar choice in the future too because my mother has completely delusional ideas about capable she still is and how serious her issues are. If she loses any more mobility she will have to go to an NH and I don't think she'll ever forgive me or anyone associated with it.

I doubt there is a caring person here who has not felt guilt. It's normal. This job, especially any kind of POA, is not for the faint of heart. It's a tough job no matter what capacity you are in.

Jackie, you absolutely have to get out from under this situation. Do you have a caseworker for your own disabilities? If so, that is the person I would first contact for advice.

If not, start by getting a needs assessment for your mother. Either call her county Human Services Department or the Area Agency on Aging to set one up. When they come and determine what she needs, make it abundantly clear that you cannot provide her care, or a place for her to live.

Yes, you love your mother. You can continue to love her while she is getting professional help.

Jennie has got it right. Do't take on the responsibility of Mom's house. You can't afford it and it will have to be sold when she applies for Medicare. can you apply for some subsidized housing for yourself. A studio apartment would be ideal. Not much housework and no room for Mom.
never mind what she has destroyed in your apartment or her home. There ate services that will come and just clean everything out so no effort on your part.
Definitely call in APS and tell them she is a danger to herself and others by her behavior. it is not healthy for either of you to live in a urine filled home nd her house is probably infested with all sorts of nasty pests. Fleas, cockroaches, mice, rats, bats. Is it even safe to live in? Is the plumbing free of lead pipes? does the house still have knob and tube wiring.
You are physically incapable of taking care of another adult so have your Dr certify to that effect.
There will be a way out so try not to stress about it and start aking phone calls in the morning.