My MIL has a POA that names her husband. It then list my SIL, SIL #2, then my husband. My FIL recently changed his POA (and all other legal paperwork) naming me. My MIL got diagnosed with dementia almost 3 years ago. The FIL, SIL #1 and my husband starred fighting over what to do, how to care for mom. While they fought I started taking care of MIL. Now years after the fighting is worse; SIL #1 blames FIL for the dementia, husband tries to play peacemaker and SIL #2 just calls for updates (she lives across country). At every appointment for MIL, FIL tells them to work me me. This is doctos, nursing, assisted living facility, pharmacy even insurance companies. BUT we just found out FIL has to have major surgery. Estimated 4mth recovery. SIL#1 has threatened FIL (many times) she will take MIL away at first opportunity. MIL does not want this; FIL and MIL have good relationship. SIL swears that is the dementia talking.
My question - I have FIL's POA for everything, MIL's POA has the order listed. While FIL is in hospital does he "lose" MIL's POA and go to SIL #1? Can we get FIL to sign a "Healthcare Representative" form with all doctors and etc. for him and MIL ? Is that legal? ethical?
(I've been online researching and that seems like the only other option) Does anyone know another way to protect.
Fyi... SIL#1 only visits MIL every 4 -6 weeks and wants her in a NH now. According to doctors I am giving her excellent care, but while FIL is in hospital I've moved Mom into AL facility. SIL #1 doesn't think this is good enough. Tried discussion FIL, SIL#1 and husband cannot remain calm. I've made all arrangements.
Ferris1 - I'm going to dive deeper into all my FIL's paperwork. He just meet with his Lawyer to redo everything naming me. I might be back with more questions :-)
Thanks again everyone.
Maybe I can set-up an appointment for SIL with her Mom's doctor. When I discussed the issue with him, his advice was to stop spending money and time on all her BS. Get her to a therapist. Maybe if she heard it directly from him? OR Am I still trying to "save the world" and I just need to protect my in-laws and say to "blank" with her.
(Now chatting in my head boundaries, boundaries, boundaries... do not set myself up again! )
Sometimes, peoples' pride & ego can be hurt and boundaries are drawn at such stressful times, and they lash out...eventhough intentions of those with which they are upset, were good. If the children know that you have POA for their father, could that be causing the turmoil and lack of calmness when discussing serious matters, such as your father's future?
The SIL causing drama is moms daughter. FIL's daughter lives across the country, she's great about calling and checking in but that's it. When FIL informed me of his change, I'm the one that called her to make sure it was ok. FIL has his wife's POA. As soon as Mom lost most of her cognitive function SIL started blaming him.
It's so sad. He is so scared for his wife and her favorite child blames him for it. She is mad this happened to her Mom and has to have someone to blame. She has let the anger consume her. I spent the first almost 2 years trying to appease her, but she can't. It's all about her. She "knows". She's forgotten I spent 6 months telling her and my husband something is wrong. You need to go to her doctor. One doctor told her it might have been a stroke and BAM. The family fighting started, so I helping MIL while they fought. Next thing I know I'm the caregiver. I've set up care schedule, online calendars even went home to visit my family for a week and they keep fighting not doing a thing for MIL. They all have a great ideas but even better excuses.
Pstiegman - I've tried family meetings. So many variations - only the direct family no inlaws, only the mom, daughter and son, with a 3rd party present, in a neutral location. One time I even tried putting them in the car together. They scream and threaten each other. It upsets my MIL every time. I've told them they are not allowed to fight in front of her. SIL does it anyways.
Agreed completely on the marriage statement. It amazes this is HIS Mom. Again this past week we've had some honest talks about the situation. I also regularly see a therapist.
As far as I am concerned anyone who refuses to go to an informational class on dementia and Alzheimer's when their loved one has it, should be whipped with a wet noodle. Really???? They need the information and from now on if they act up I would tell them to shut up if they are so lax that they refuse to seek the simple knowledge they need to understand the disease.
I do have to say that the doctor at USC did tell us that he felt that my mother had brought her dementia on herself. He felt that she had locked herself away after my father's death which led her right into dementia. He is a Neurologist and specialist in Alzheimer's.