My mom has dementia which has progressed to the point that she worries she has no money. Her financial advisor told her she has no worries and has plenty of money. Up until now she has compensated me for my 24/7 live in care. Now she says she cant pay me because she has no money. I feel like a skunk writing my own check, but i quit my job for her and we still have to pay rent at our apartment, where my saintly husband lives with our dogs. Suggestions?
I know it sounds sleezy but all of the money that I pay myself will be used entirely for mom when the time comes. None of the things that I charge mom for are considered "daughterly duties" according to my lawyer. The purpose of my putting money into an account is for the day when mom's money DOES run out and she is on Medicaid, she will have this little nest egg that I am building for her.
I consulted an eldercare attorney, looking to the future. Mom is in an ALF and has enough money for a while. When the time comes, probably in about 2 years, mom will move into a nursing home and go on Medicaid. Medicaid only allows about $87/month in MD for any personal needs. Since my husband and I can't afford all of the extra money for clothes, hair dresser, etc (and my sibs won't help out) I have a CareGivers Agreement, signed by mom and witnessed, which allows me to legally pay myself $21/hr, which is the average pay for a companion in our area. I am not using the money for myself but have set up a savings account in my name (required by Medicaid's rules)which I will use solely for any needs mom may have that are not covered by Medicaid.
So, if you are going to pay yourself a "salary" for taking care of your mom, do it legally so that it can't be challenged by any sibs or the law.
Please consider having your mother evaluated by hospice. If she is terminal and continues to have little strokes, it sounds like she might qualify for hopice services. They a wonderful agency that people misinterpret it as an end of life only which does a disservice to the patient who is homebound and is truly end of l life but not immediate.
Ask: Is there a lift device to help me pick up Mom from the floor if she falls or slips?
Ask: Is there an equipment warehouse for sharing medical equipment, free, or very low cost, for those who cannot afford to buy medical equipment?
Questions like that might also get them asking you how they might help.
They might also help you find ways to get help that fit your circumstances.
IF your Elder falls on the floor, and you cannot pick them up,
Then do call 911, and have the medics pick her up from floor--they also check to make sure there's nothing injured.
Making calls like that ALSO serves to build a very clear case for getting her into a nursing home, or care home, with full help from Medicaid, as it shows "for the record" what your needs are, and hers.
By having a POA for her financial affairs, that is supposed to allow you to do all her financial things, including paying for her care, whether it is provided by others, or yourself.
A person assigned to be an Executor of someone's Will, gets paid a stipend for taking care of that.
A person providing care, shelter, food, etc., for their Elder, can get paid, as long as there are funds to do so, reasonably. By "reasonably" that usually means that if anyone else were providing same, the pay rate for them, nor for you to do same, is similar.
But it does not necessarily mean you earn the same as a Nursing Home [their overhead is higher than you sustaining your Elder at your home].
ARE you feeling guilty enough that you allow your Mom to handle money?
How much money does she get to handle?
HINT: in some cases, the Elder lacks sensibility to pay their bills properly, but still knows how to shop a bit. In that case, as long as she has paid her bills first [including paying you for what you provide], THEN she could have an allowance to shop with.
IF she has progressed to teh point that giving her money ends up with her "burying it in the back 40", there is no rational logic to let her use any amount of money to her any longer, since it could be seen as potentially losing it or spending it in ways that prevent her paying for needed care.
Oh--
Did you know that the person who provides 1/2 or more of the care/provisions for their Elder, can deduct them as a Dependent on their IRS taxes? Probably on their State taxes, if your State has those, too.
IF your Mom is 24/7 care, and still in her own home, she is truly blessed.
BUT, if you are providing part of that 24/7 care, and not getting paid? Foolish to continue.
OPTIONS = stop feeling guilty for getting paid for legitimate work anyone else would not do without being paid for same. OR, move her into a long-term care facility.
You stated she is demented.
That means she is no longer capable of thinking logically enough to transact nor be responsible or accountable. That means she depends on others for care, and one of those is you!
JUST make sure you are very clearly keeping records of your hours spent doing her care. List hours spent on your calendar, and in the checkbook, or online banking--some online banking allows labeling debits--do that.
OR use something like Quicken program to keep good records of where the money went--you will need those records to prove where the spent-down money went, in case Mom ever needs Medicaide or other Gov't programs to help in her care.
It sounds like you have been doing a good job; the question is, whether you can afford to keep doing it [financially OR emotionally].
That has to be your choice, and whatever you choose, it is OK.
Not one single drop of guilt, got it?
You are doing good work!
{{{hugs!~}}}
I have a personal care contract with my Mother that We signed, had witnesses, and notarized.
I catherize her 2 times a day which a care agency charges up to $70 for. I pay myself $18 an hour and that includes that service as well as showering, meds, Dr.'s and walking her dog 2 times a day. I do not charge for personel time with her, nor for taking care of her bills although i probably could. I have siblings who do not participate in any of this so I don't feel guilty (most of the time). I made her will up to give equal shares to all of us. I doubt there will be anything left. Paying me is much cheaper than assisted living ( where they don't catherize) or a visiting nurse, and or, a nursing home. She is making a little progress since she can now have her dog in the independent section although she is in bed 18 hours a day. I went to my daughter's graduation and she had a setback. She is totally dependent on me and it scares me.
Just like she did her best raising me, I am doing my best.
Best of luck and know that you are not alone in this.
In the meantime, pls apply for Medicaid for her. This is important.
To my other friends, I think we will just leave things as they are and not take any chances. Cant be too careful. Mom is having more strokes lately, so i dont have a lot of time to worry about it.
Does anyone know of something that i can use to lift mom from the floor to bed? Thanks again friends, and that goes for you Sylvester.
Tonio