I need some emotional support please. My mother has been confined to facilities constantly for over 2 1/2 years and today I am bringing her to my home to have some quality of life. I have arrangements made but am very stressing. I still have a great career and I work full-time. I love my job. I am depressed this morning before I go to pick her up. I feel overwhelmed. I know this is the right decision. She made me promise never to put her in a nursing home. I have no family support. She has a great mind and no dementia so I will see how this goes. I am soon 61 years old and find that after a hard day at my job I am tired. I have been with her unfailingly for these years visiting and ensuring she has received the best of care. She appreciates me I know this. I never wanted children and dont regret this decision. Now I have a child who is physically fragile. I find my self feeling anger. I am seeing a counselor but really what can anyone say. I like so many others don't have a life now except I have a great and rewarding job. But how long can I go on with work demands, my own health to focus on and all of this. Sorry to vent but I am not in a good emotional place. I am due at the facility this morning soon to bring her to my home. Is anyone else going through in-home care and would like to offer emotional support please? I love my mother, there is no doubt. I never ever knew my life would come to this at a time when I have earned fun and am not getting any younger. Thanks everyone.
First and foremost, if this doesn't work out, you are still honoring the spirit of your promise. We shouldn't promise not to put a parent in a nursing home as we don't know the future. But we do. That being said, sometimes, after we've done our best, there is no other choice for them or for us. However, for now, you are trying what amounts to an experiment. You are taking her into your home.
I'm really glad you are getting counseling. Please keep that up. Also, please consider hiring some in-home care, if your mom needs a lot of attention. You need to get out on your own sometimes. You need and deserve a life apart - and so does she. She may enjoy adult day care a couple of days a week because that will give her a social life with peers. Many elders kick and scream about ADC, and end up loving it once they start going.
Please keep in touch on this forum. You will need the support. Many caregivers here have a parent living with them, so you'll hear from them.
Do remember - you can't help your mom if your health deteriorates. So, you need to try to strike a balance. This is always harder to say than do. This is where counseling may help you.
Do check back and let us know how today goes!
Carol
You have a job you love. I assume you NEED to work. Ask yourself what will happen if your caregiving for Mom makes this impossible. This happened to me
I gave up a 52K a year job to care for Mom. 21/2 yrs later Mom is gone (she died at home mid September) and I am without insurance and basically unemployable - no one is lining up to hire someone of my age (55). I am overquaified and too expensive.
I don't regret bringing my Mom here, but the truth is it left me financially devastated with little hope of recovery, and in poor physical health and with no health insurance to assist me. Knowing this, if I had it to do over again I would have moved heaven and earth to find another way to take care of Mom and myself.
There are far too many of us on this forum in your same situation. Some are still juggling the full time work and caring for Mom. Come on back and find the thread with support givers that will work best for you.
Luvmom
My first advice to you is to realize this is a choice. This is a decision you are making. There is nothing inevitable or fatalistic about it. It may be the best option, and it may be a good choice -- I don't know. But it is a choice. Just recognizing that helps avoid the "victim" outlook.
patriot1: "I am worried that my anger will only get worse." Yup. That is exactly what is going to happen, if things go on as they are. From all the many many posts on this board where exactly that happens, I'd say that is not a very pretty prospect. Realize that this could go on for another 10 years -- all of the remaining years of childhood and adolescence for your children.
Nip that anger in the bud by 1) setting boundaries and enforcing them, 2) doing everything practical to minimize friction (why isn't your dad's tv in his room? Didn't he have one at his home?) 3) getting family counselling, for yourself and perhaps for you and your husband, and maybe extending to the others in the household. This is not somethng you learned to deal with in high school Family Life classes. It is OK to seek help to learn to deal with it.
If you start out on this journey seeing yourself as a victim, I don't see much hope for a meaningful, rewarding family experience. You will feel like a prisoner in your own home.
We could come and go as we wished. Now 7 years later it is a different story.
It will be hard to adjust, but DO NOT quit a job you love. You will regret it.
Now my health has declined to the point we both spend most of the day in bed.
I know mom should go Into a place because it is killing me, but I just can't bare to do it. Going to put her in for month for respite and see if it helps me.
My heart goes out to you also, I remember the day my brother called and said "mom wants to move in with you". We always said she was welcome, but it changed our lives. Some for the better, grandkids getting to be real close to her as they grew up.
Please take care of yourself!!! Easy to say, hard to do. Also realize she will get older and more health problems. Please keep us posted.