How do I prepare myself for a visit with my neurotic, needy mother?
It has been a month since I have visited my mother. I cannot avoid her forever, she does need some assistance with transportation. She has set up some appointments that I will be taking her to. She is an emotionally draining individual because of her emotional neediness and emotional immaturity. Any suggestions on how to prepare myself emotionally for my own emotional wellbeing. It is hard maintaining emotional and physical boundaries with my elderly mother when I am around her. The anger along with the guilt just doesn't seem to ever go away. I have come to feel she is more of an obligation than a mother I can love and want to care for. I actually love my dog more than my mother. I resent any time I spend with her and dwell on these feelings before and after being with her. Any positive feedback would greatly be apprciated.
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You know how she is and no matter how you think about it she is a problem for you. You can change your own behavior to cope with her, or get someone else to deal with her. What other options are there?
Also-a little trick I do if I feel myself losing control-I pretend that I am on TV-being watched -like "The Truman Show" and everyone who is watching me wants to see how I will handle the tough situation I am in . I KNOW-this sounds crazy!!!-but it works for me. It helps me step outside of my own emotions and act the way I think I should even when upset. I don't do this all the time -just when I feel myself losing control or patience. Good luck!
Ummm, I think that is it. Let us know how your visit went. :0)
Debralee, why do you feel guilty? Have you actually done anything wrong, or are these just "Mother" tapes playing in your head? Think about it for a few minutes, but not too much longer. 'Mother' takes up too much space in our heads as it is. I am certain that once you have thought about it you will realize that there is nothing to be guilty about.
I'm not sure where you live, but in many cities there are usually ride services set up for seniors; they may be free or sliding scale or donation based. The drivers are volunteers. N. missed shopping and knew that I would not do that for her as frequently as she liked, so she got herself set up with a donation based service, then she told them to send the donation paperwork to Me to pay! Witch. I refused of course. At the time she was spending around $300 a week on candy, cookies, and clothing, she can donate $40 a month for her rides. Then she began using them for doctor visits because I had suggested that she was seeing all her doctors far too often, that way I would not know about all the other visits, lolz. That witch is really something. Anyways, check into that. The less you have to see her, the better. You know it and I know it; nothing there to feel guilt about.
Can you go to counseling to get some help with your feelings? Once my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I found a therapist to talk to. I had a lot of issues with my Mom and had always had the idea that I would one day have THE TALK where she'd falls on her knees and begs for forgiveness. :0/ Well- with the diagnosis of Alzheimer's ( which, btw has been changed some but still the outcome is the same) I knew that talk was not going to happen and she was going to need me to help her. It REALLY helped to talk with a therapist and work through my anger and frustration. I could not fix my Mom but I did fix myself ( well- parts of me at least-I am a work in progress).
Sending you hugs (((((hug)))) . Best of luck.
Once I realized that N. was a btch and always would be a btch; once I realized that I was a good person and not the 'bad girl' she had always told me I was; once I realized that she always treat me like sh-- and make my life miserable no matter how wonderful I was too her; THEN I felt ready to leave her and cut her out of my life. The last straw came with a letter she wrote that was so disgusting that my sister and daughter decided that we would not invited her to my granddaughter's baptism. We didn't tell her that she had been uninvited, none of us are the drama queens that she is; we simply never told her that there was a baptism. And that is the way we will keep it.
My sister and my kids have made the choice to keep her in their lives. That's ok for them, the dynamics are different for them and I don't interfere with that. My kids are emotionally and mentally strong and capable, they understand how damaged and sick she is and know to be careful with her. But for me it's different, I simply refuse to have anything that toxic in my life. I do not feel guilty in any way; it's called self preservation.
I'm not sure exactly why N. dislikes me so strongly, I can only guess. She began telling me from a very early age that I was the product of a broken condom on their honeymoon and that she did not want me. She shared way more things with me than I wanted her to. Apparently her honeymoon was traumatic for her if you get my gist. I must be a reminder of all of that. I also think that she did not want to be a mother and I must have spoiled her plans. She went into nursing school to be a CNA as soon as possible and I know that she enjoyed that for many years. I know that my brother and sister were planned children. I know that she thinks having a boy is more special than having a girl. All things she told me.
From all of this I do know that I AM NOT THE PROBLEM. There isn't a doggoned thing wrong with me. N. used all of what was wrong with her to abuse me my whole life. But the reality is I AM a good person. You know what Debralee, I bet you are too. Look at how hard you are working to care for a woman who is literally your enemy.
I really hope Debralee that you will find your moment, and you will be able to break away from that toxicity. You deserve to be happy and have a wonderful life. A life without fear and anxiety Because you are a wonderful beautiful caring person who deserves only the best people in your life. People who appreciate you for everything you Are whether or not you do anything for them.
I understand the hurt you had on not receiving any gift when you are the one who is helping. it seems to be what narcissists do. I asked my mother about that once and she said she feels she "owes" my sister, as my sister gives her a few gifts a year, I said I travel to help you, I buy you things, give you gifts too, I have helped you to move and to deal with problems in your ALF - does that not count? She did not say anything but just looked vague. When we were younger, one year when I had done a lot for her, though never well enough, of course, she gave my sister a leather coat for Christms and I got bottle of vitamin pills. Why did I not smell the coffee and smarten up sooner.
I feel the same way about being POA, and have considered dropping it. My sister is my backup, and I suspect she would use some of the money for her own purposes, or I would have dropped it before. I am glad you are firm about not taking her inti your home and becoming her 24/7 caregiver. Definitely you are not her servant, though that is what she wants from you, as does mine from me. I think you are right that you - and I and others - are not much more than a convenience for our NMs. More ((((((hugs))))))) stand strong, and let go of the guilt/obligation, Your mother planted that in you years ago for her purposes. You deserve better.
The Paddle Song
3 part round
Our paddles keen and bright,
Flashing like silver;
Swift as the wild goose flight,
Dip, dip, and swing.
Dip, dip, and swing them back,
Flashing like silver;
Swift as the wild goose flight,
Dip, dip and swing.
Was anyone a Scout? Or go to camp? Maybe you knew this song. Makes me smile still. You can find many on youtube.
OMG! Therapy this time around was a btch! I had the best psychologists ever, they were good, and they really got to the bottom of stuff, but HOLY CRAP yeah, it hurt like hell and my life went all to sh-- for a while. I was going to 2 or 3 appointments a week. I can't even describe here how bad it was because this relapse was the worst ever. I almost died a few times at my own hand because it was that painful to deal with.
But I can honestly say that 2 years after I began my life had a turn around. It was like doing surgery and draining a huge abscess. I feel like for the first time, I can see things so clearly. I have been given the tools to battle the evil tapes that N. has planted in my mind. I'm not finished yet. I have refused to use antidepressants and antipsychotics, (I dislike side effects), so I still struggle with depression. It's a mild one comparatively, but occasionally it bites hard. So every day is a fight to see the sunny side of life. Every day is a fight to DO something, to get out of bed, make the bed, get dressed, wash my face, brush my teeth... But I don't fault myself for it, after all, as long as there IS a struggle or fight, it means I am alive and trying. I am still a soldier after all. So I appreciate and love myself for it, and congratulate myself for meeting any other goals I have set.
Things are different for me in that my mom died two years. I don't miss her. My kids don't miss her. We had gotten to the point where we didn't invite her to any family functions because she was so hateful to me with never ending criticism and that made my kids furious. She had nobody to blame but herself. The only thing I miss is that I didn't have a loving mother. I can't change how my mother was but it made me work hard to never treat my kids as I had been treated. So as much as mom disliked me, and wanted me to dislike myself, it backfired on her. She couldn't stand that I have beautiful relationships with my son and daughter and they think I'm loving, good mama. My mom was the one who lost out and she only had herself to blame.
I don't want to come off like I know what is best for you for I surely don't!!! I am just throwing out my own experiences seeing if anything helps. Goodness knows, just tonight, I flipped out and fell on my knees in desperation because I couldn't find the darn tinfoil. Soooo- yeah- I am no therapy expert nor done with my , er , own renovation.
Wishing you and all those who have been hurt by the very people that should have loved them peace. ((((hugs))))
When I set a firm boundary, she chose to remove herself from me rather than comply. It was reasonable - no loaded handguns lying on top of a purse unattended with little kids running around in MY house. She stayed away from me for 8 years, until Adult Protective Services called for me to rescue her.
Listening to Dr. Laura has been my aftercare (website pod casts are maybe $7 a month), and reading the posts here like these. When people say stupid things, you have to let them go, and let the guilt slide off too. These ladies have had the best advice I have heard since I had to start dealing with my mother in July.
PamelaSue, in real life, I also only refer to my mother by her real name. I never call her "my mother" or anything like that. She tore up her mother card a long time ago, and my grandmother was my real Mommy.
If you don't want to take on your mother's long term care, and you have LOTS of reasons why not, you can RESIGN as POA. When lawyers draw up POAs, they have a clause in there naming another to be POA if the first dies or resigns. My husband was not allowed to be my mother's POA by his work, so he resigned (my mother is a feminist, yet she does not trust women bankers). Our atty filed that with the court, just like the initial POA, and that specifies that I am now the successor POA.
A *priest* friend of ours who went through childhood abuse by his mother, and who was not left a dime even though he took care of her in her infirmary with no help from sibs, told us if we were not in the will, to let the old coot get a public guardian. If we wanted money we knew was in the will, to stick it out. But, he said, it is probably not worth the money. (I did go against his advice, but w/e).
When you resign and your siblings accuse you of X,Y & Z, thank them for their concern. It was not just your mother who ignored your abuse, they ignored your abuse too. If you are not waiting for the money, why bother putting up with this abuse from the woman who should have treasured her little girl above everything else?
BOUNDARIES by Townsend & Cloud.