It has been a month since I have visited my mother. I cannot avoid her forever, she does need some assistance with transportation. She has set up some appointments that I will be taking her to. She is an emotionally draining individual because of her emotional neediness and emotional immaturity. Any suggestions on how to prepare myself emotionally for my own emotional wellbeing. It is hard maintaining emotional and physical boundaries with my elderly mother when I am around her. The anger along with the guilt just doesn't seem to ever go away. I have come to feel she is more of an obligation than a mother I can love and want to care for. I actually love my dog more than my mother. I resent any time I spend with her and dwell on these feelings before and after being with her. Any positive feedback would greatly be apprciated.
My daughter and I used to take mini vacations because we worked in the same office and couldn't be gone too long. Mom was so jealous of these trips that she would come up "sick" or something would "happen" to make us cancel our trips. I finally had enough and quit telling her we were leaving. My son was her DPOA so he'd be on call for emergencies. If mom called to chat, I just took the call and acted like I was in town although I was on Pike's Peak or Mt Rushmore or downtown Boston. She never knew the difference, we had a great trip and all was well. Feeling guilty never occurred to me. Resenting her jealous and control...now that's a different story.
Have a wonderful Easter!
Ugh- I hate lying too! Only you know if it is worth it but be careful- if you are like me and are no good at it you may bust yourself later! Lies have a way of returning. Just make sure you remember that you said you were working on Easter so when your Mom says something about it months from now (which, again, if you are like me , that will happen) you can remember what you said. OR you could just tell her the truth. It may make things unpleasant for you but it may also help her realize she needs to change. Just a suggestion- I don't mean to imply that I know better than you about what to do.
My husband and I had to tell my in-laws that we are not coming up to there house for Easter as my daughter is having a very difficult time as of late. (in case you missed it- she has special needs- I feel like when I mention this in a post some readers are going '"we know , we know!- because I mention it a lot-sorry). This is not an easy decision as I have been very involved in my Mom's care and have not seen my in laws for awhile BUT- my in- laws are younger than my parents and in good health. It is just the squeaky wheel right now. AND- quite frankly, their house is very hard for my girl. My MIL is very picky about her things and freaks if anyone touches something and that is hard on my daughter. My Mom's house is pretty relaxed- well- my dad can yell but I just tell him to stop and he apologizes. If I would tell my MIL to stop she would probably kick me in the arse. And then not speak to me for months and then say she cried her eyes out when I 'yelled'
at her. *sigh. Maybe I should lie.
Each of us is entitled to have our own plans for holidays.
Pro-active Communication can be practiced. All of us here would be happy to role play with you so you can get comfortable learning to be assertive.
Just face your fears and you might bluff her. So far, she thinks you don't have the courage to stand up to her. Right?
Now, can I get you some water or a pillow before I leave?
Fast forward a few years. We find out that one of those nice uncles takes great joy in crushing the children's hands at these gatherings we are "forced" to attend because we don't have the guts to say no. The next one, I watch the kids like a hawk - and I find Uncle sneaking up to get into the bathroom with them, which they resisted and alerted me to! I YELLED at that giant bully, I gave him a good piece of my mind, in front of his wife and all the inlaws, and my husband was then ready to decline further invitations. The family still tried to make us feel guilty, but we were not the ones doing wrong and protecting an abuser.
Those of us who have been abused are kept under the thumbs of abusers when we are too afraid to protect ourselves. If you allow someone else to control who you visit for Easter, you are allowing them to abuse you. They will continue until you stop them, and they don't like to be stopped! YOU have to make the decision and follow through. WE are behind you, and WE support you.
Your mother is going to do every manipulative thing in the book to make you change your mind. If you change your mind, you are allowing her to control you. People can only abuse you now that you are an adult if you allow it. STOP HER! Stand up for yourself and you can do it!!
I'll be praying for you. It's hard. I've done it. I've caved and wished I had not, and did better the next time. YOU CAN BREAK FREE!
Is that too harsh? Sorry. Not really.
more ((((((((hugs))))))) and prayers
If she calls you, do what emjo says, and tell her you have other plans. She will tell you that she was expecting to have the day with you, like always, or like she told you. Tell her AGAIN you are sorry, but you have other plans on the other side of the state and you won't be able to be there with her. She will threaten all sorts of things. You don't have to listen, or engage. You can say, "I'm sorry you are not happy with that. I have to go now. Goodbye!" and hang up.
What I did for years was to engage once, set the boundary and not do what she wanted, and not answer the calls for a week to let the mthr cool off.
It's ok not to like your mthr when you have been through what we have, and not to want to spend time with her. In fact, it is healthy not to want to be around someone who denies your experiences. Yes, congratulations, you *are* having the correct emotion for the situation despite what your mthr would say!! :D
Do you know what I tell some of the people in my life who whine after I'm done with them? Here is a for instance: They whine something like "but if you don't do this for me I won't be able to live anymore", and then I say, "sucks to be you". *VERY BIG GRIN*
Years ago, when she came to visit by herself because she "missed me," I'd take to the bottle the moment she left. The woman would come not to really see how I was doing, but so nag about the day I put her in a senior citizens home. Plus rag about my Dad (who's been dead for years); and to grind in how much I remind her of him.
Now, days before the visit, I make sure to be mentally ready. If not, there's no way she and my screechy oldest and youngest sisters -- who need drama to function -- are going to come through the door. ... They don't dare mention my Dad's name anymore.
They dropped by unannounced last Wednesday, with the excuse they were visiting the "beautiful Catholic church" across the street from my house. Horsehockey. ... I've been on a sabbatical trying to finish a doctorate, and they knew I was home.
Mom started reminiscing about those unforgettable Easters in Puerto Rico, when she -- wearing a crown made from the thorns of a lime tree -- pretended to be Jesus and carried a makeshift Cross from the hilltop slum to the Catholic church at the other end of town.
You have no idea how many people wanted to nail her to it.
I also have drama queens, (some with BPD) in my family. They thrive on drama, chaos, and self promotion.
Thank you for the light-hearted, and at the same time common sense answer.
I totally agree a caregiver should be committed to the job, in whatever manner the caregiving is applied, but in our case it just couldn't be done with love.