How do we prepare for the inevitable transition of mom to Memory Care Facility?

BLarkin, my sister works at a memory care facility. Do not worry about furniture or much in the way of decorations, especially nice things. Depending on what type unit she's placed, she won't need much. Nice things might "disappear" even though the facility might be very nice. Save yourself a lot of worry this way by talking to folks in charge. My sister's biggest pet peeve is about how relatives want to bring mom or dad's favorite radio, pictures in nicer frames, jewelry, tons of clothes, etc. Those things, as I said, might disappear. Even eyeglasses and dentures, believe it or not. The other day, she had to be insistent with a daughter who wanted to bring some of her dad's military mementos (wall things, hats, even books). The daughter finally understood and took them home so that the family will have them to keep. God bless and good luck to you and yours.

You have received good advice here. I can add only that you and her boyfriend can make preparations for the change, but don't try explaining it ahead of time. She will become and remain agitated. My husband had Alzheimer's and needed to be placed. On the advice of hospice, I told him only the night before. He said clearly, "This is the last dinner I will eat with you. This is the last time I will sit in my recliner, sleep in our bed." But he adjusted to the nursing home, although he sometimes asked to go home. Best wishes to you.

Then don't expect anything, and be surprised when actuality kicks in. Just because she gets upsets when you dust, get over it! The dementia mind is trying to find order and moving objects is one way for them to "arrange" their brains (which cannot be done). As POA you have a responsibility FIRST to your mother, and get her in a safe and healthy environment. Trust me, she will soon forget her home surroundings and adapt to her new surroundings. As far as the "boyfriend", tell him what you are going to do, and then follow through. He might be afraid he will be losing a place to live, but work things out with him since he has taken care of your mother. Stop allowing your emotions to rule your head. Get her some place where professionals can care for her and visit when you can. You can do nothing to change this diagnosis, she will only get worse, and she will die. Those are the facts. Now deal with them.

BLarkin, my gosh your Mom and her boyfriend are still young to be going through this. Yes, you are correct, your Mom does need a higher level of care, but I bet the boyfriend is afraid to let her move and not be there 24/7 after 20+ years.

Maybe in the back of his mind he will be relieved as he must be so exhausted. You mentioned he would say "I got it"... reminds me of my Dad saying "we will manage" when I knew they needed to get out of that house, a lot of stairs and being 90+ years old does not mix well.

Try explaining to boyfriend that your Mom will probably feel a lot better living in Memory Care, and wouldn't he want her to live each day to the fullest? If boyfriend has money, maybe he can move to Independent Living in the same complex, that way he can stay with her during the day, or even overnight depending if that is allowed.

Try to set up Mom's bedroom at Assisted Living the same as she has at home. I did that for my Dad, so when he awoke in the middle of the night, he saw his highboy dresser to the left of his bed, where it has been in his previous house.

I think your expectations are realistic. That should help a little bit -- no surprises.

It sometimes helps a little to have familiar things already moved into her room before she arrives. Photos and keepsakes and good. Also, this is not the time to get a lovely new comforter or chair or lamp. To the extent possible bring things from her home that will be familiar to her. Obviously this isn't going to eliminate all discomfort with change, but it may help some.

Does her boyfriend drive? Is the place you have in mind close enough so that he can be there often? If he can be convinced to not bring up topics that will upset her, that might also be a great comfort to her.

Her dementia cannot be cured but her symptoms may improve some once she is getting her medications on time, eating regularly, kept dry and clean, etc That will make all this anxiety worthwhile.

It would be ideal if her boyfriend could be on board with this, to help with the transition. I hope the lawyer can convince him that separating their finances is for his benefit, to protect him from Medicaid insisting that all the joint assets are Mothers. And that the move is not to separate them and that he can spend as much time with her as he wants, but he just won't need to do the hands-on tasks.

It used to bother my sisters and I when our mom mentioned going home. "Well, if you are leaving now, how am I going to get home?" But it gradually dawned on us that she accepted the nursing home as her home more quickly than we expected. She was only confused about how she was going to get to her room! Then our answer became "Mom, all the helpers here know exactly where you live and anyone who is handy will push your wheelchair back to your room when you are done here."

Yes, the transition will be hard on everyone. But you might be surprised at how quickly your mother may settle in.-

Thank You for your responses.
The unfortunate thing about taking items such as furniture & bed comforter and other things of Hers to a Facility, is that they have been & are heavy smokers, and anything in that house is grossly permiated with nicotine & smells to high heaven when removed from the house. Even when taking some mail from their house to mine which may have only been there a day or two, I smell it once it's at my home.
I have thought about these things on wanting I be sure Her things are there for comfort & familiarity, but see it as impossible.
Her smoking is not an issue, as the only reason She really is even still smoking, is because HE hands Her cigarettes when HE thinks She might want one!
This action frustrate the life out of me!!
He is a VERY routine driven man, and She has become his puppet in his routine. It's terrible, and Very unhealthy for my Mother. (not just the smoking)
She is so sweet & child like, I feel that She will adapt well, and quickly as well, as She will enjoy the activities they will have in the facility, because She like to try new things so that She can impress those who are watching & assisting Her. She is always conscious of & asks; "Did I do good today? I did good today, didn't I?" God I'm crying while I'm writing that... I feel SO bad for Her, I cannot imagine what's going thru Her mind during all this change in Her mental capabilities. :(

You will need to get Guardianship with a court order to move her. I think he may be impaired as well, but that's his family's responsibility.

First - a reply to pamstegma's post. I am POA for my mother and moved her a month ago. I didn't need guardianship or a court order and I signed all the documents. Perhaps it varies by state? I'm in NC.

BLarkin, my heart goes out to you. I know that it feels like no one else really understands because your situation is so different from anyone else's. Because it's your own to deal with. Moving my mother was the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to do. Mom's been there a month now and there are more highs than lows but the lows are heartbreaking for her and for me. I know it's for the best but she did get much worse after the move. I hear it can take at least a few months to settle and then I'll still hear complaints. Searching the web on this topic and seeing that wanting to go home, etc. is a normal part of the transition...well, it doesn't make me exactly feel better but it does make me know that this is the norm. Get your mother moved because that, at least, will be a huge weight off your shoulders. A few days in advance I tried to explain the move to my mother which, honestly, was a mistake. I knew that it was doubtful that she would be onboard and it caused her a lot of agitation those few days in advance. I was shaking in my boots on move day but sent Mom out to breakfast and a movie with my husband and I swept in there to meet the movers, pack the things that were going and then head to the new apartment to unpack before Mom arrived. I wanted it to look like home when she got there. But she was still furious. Yet, I know it was the right decision. Tiptoeing around the dementia just wasn't helping either of us. This all being said...your move could go less dramatically than mine. I share my experience only because I hope it may help. I had foot surgery earlier this year and I heard that the recovery was going to horrible. It was much easier than I thought it was going to be. I have no idea what any of those people who shared their experience with me were talking about. That's what I'm wishing for you. Prayers headed your way.

Just want to share what i did for 2 wk respite care for alz spouse while i was in another country. It was a Memery Care place. I never told him i was leaving him there. He would go during day for day care. I secretly took his suitcase & bed foam from home. They just told him at end of day he was staying with them tonite. I was so stressed i got shingles 3 wks before. He will never go to bed w/o me & i had them promise he'd have a rm mate. Another lady in my support group had a son in law there & she ckd on my husband & texted me he was doing fine. Relief... when i picked him up he said out of the blue, i really enjoyed it here. He normaly cant remember what he just ate so that was a gift from God. I feel the boyfriend may get sick or die before your mom. Many caregivers do.

Believe me, when my mother needed memory care, I was worried about some of the same things you were. My mother had always told all of her children that she would never go to any such place and stated this in her Will. She also was a highly successful interior designer, antique collector and dressed impeccably with top of the line fashions. Plus my mother was fiercely independent, having raised 5 children on her own when my father died 45 years earlier. My siblings and I would never have believed getting my mother to go into a memory care facility would work as easy and as well as it did. It was truly a miracle! I would suggest:
1. Going to a geriatric specialist and getting an up to date physical
2. If she can not function on her own, having the geriatric specialist declare her incompetent
3. You doing research to find an appropriate memory care facility (don't tell your mother)
4. Help your mother stop smoking
5. Inform the boyfriend of your plan but he must keep it confidential; work out a mutual plan for his continued involvement (his safety and well-being of living alone, visiting your mom, etc.)
6. Express your concerns to a key individual at the memory care unit as well as your mother's doctor
(In my case, two of her doctors told me that it was time for my mother to go to a memory care unit and I still kept her living with me a few months after their advice until I realized that my family really could not care for her any longer. The marketing director at the memory care unit routinely helps plan for the new resident's arrival - there are staff members assigned to help move in; you can ask for certain furniture that they have available to be placed in the room ahead of time).

Do you have other family members who can help with the transition for your mother?

In my case, one of my brothers came from out of town and took mom for the day while my sister and I brought things mom needed for her "new room" down and decorated. Since my mother has problems with paranoia and people stealing things as well as my mother losing/misplacing things, we decided to bring just a few things: 2 of her favorite German paintings, limited furniture, limited clothing (labled); and new bathroom and bedding to make her room look nice. I was still worried that when my brother brought my mom to the facility later that day, that my mother would not get out of the car. I called the doctor and he increased one of her medications a few days before... and then my brother brought my mother to the facility, she was tired after an outing all day and she needed to use the bathroom. My brother said "this place has a bathroom -let's go in). She came into the lobby and my sister and I greeted her, as well as the marketing director and staff and we walked her down to her new room to use the bathroom. When she saw the room and how nice it looked decorated with a few of her favorite things, my sister told her that this new place was picked out just for her. The doctor was right - she immediately accepted this living arrangement as her new "house". My sister stayed with her to eat dinner and I came the next day. Mom did not even remember that I was there the night before. I attribute the success of this move to many things: prayers and God, advanced planning, the help of my siblings and the staff at memory care facility; the choice of facility (small/clean/wooden floors/tall ceilings/newness/ rooms overlooking a garden area and lake, etc.). It has provided my mother with what she needs and gives my family and me who have cared for her previously the reassurance she is being cared for and our own lives back to an extent.

If we could do it with my mother, anyone can. Good luck!