My brother and his wife, first didn't speak with my sister for 20 years (she has since passed), they also have a list of other family members that they avoid. I should have known eventually I would be on the list, although we were always close up until his wife decided that that she didn't like me because I didn't hear her say something and walked away, and I was looking at my phone. She said she felt 'disrespected'. This is also how the others got vetoed out of their lives, She decides and my brother agrees. At first, I tried everything to talk it out, apologized profusely, bent over backwards to mend any hurt I caused as I wanted family peace and I cared for her. However, I'm done now, his last request was that only he see my Mom on her birthday and for me not to come. He's very controlling. I didn't argue, and just kept the focus on my Mom since she misses him so terribly. He even asked me to tell him anytime I saw my Mom, which is so strange since he hasn't shown up in 4 years, in spite of me inviting him and planning events. Even when he asked me to let him know when I saw her, I let him know that I just made plans to see her and asked him to come for her birthday (last year) for which he declined.
To my main point, my mother asked me to plan her funeral, and I'm also paying for it because mom doesn't have any means. I always thought my brother and I would handle things together, but I'm so done being hurt by him. She had also asked my brother, but he's pretty checked out and hasn't done anything. So, I took it upon myself and made the plans and asked her again and again if she was positive that this is what she wanted, she emphatically said yes, and also provided me with a notarized letter and a notarized health directive indicating these are her wishes. She's of sound mind and not in a facility.
Believing that this would always be a decision between the both of us, I still feel sad. I haven't planned the memorial service, since it will be so incredibly small and thought that would be a way for him to participate. I am trying my best to do the right thing and honor my Mom's wishes, and also don't want to do anything to harm the relationship further with my brother. I went and saw her for Mother's Day and didn't tell him because I knew he wouldn't be there or show up - he's about to go on a solo trip to Europe. Both of us live away from my Mom. I hope I did the right thing in preplanning without him. Anytime I've brought up money or anything, his answer is usually no, or skepticism. I decided it was just easier if I paid for everything myself, even though it is expensive. Trying to do the right thing, but one cannot control another person. Would love the thoughts here. Thank you.
I am so glad, belas, that you have come to terms with how to deal with your brother. If Mom is still with you, just know when she passes, you can just walk away from brother. Your not obligated to him in anyway.
You told us he is controlling and he and wife sound like a nightmare.
If he wants to be told when you SEE mom, which is insane, what will he do about a FUNERAL, do you suppose?
He and wife have told you who they are.
BELIEVE them and EMBRACE the knowledge.
Now to the funeral.
Your Mom asked you to plan her funeral and gave you PROOF that these were her wishes.
You have fulfilled them.
That is simple. And you have no relationship with your brother now so why would you discuss that with him? Just to cause yourself woe?
When, sadly, your mom passes you will notify your brother and you will tell him this one simple FIVE WORD sentence.
"Mom already planned her funeral".
NOTHING else. No explanation.
If he causes some sort of stink you will put mom's notarized letters in front of hiim telling him:
"Everyone knew you would cause problems, so mom made her wishes clear".
12 MORE words, should they be required.
Now, stop thinking about this.
This man has changed. It happens. What you had you no longer have. He is in the thrall, apparently of a wife who has changed him or he himself was never who you thought he was. He may change back. He may leave her. THAT would be the time to talk with him; when he changes back.
I will tell you now that this is all your own choice, but I will also tell you that, imho, your going to your brother and that woman now would be like poking sticks into a nest of vipers. WORSE, it COULD cause your brother to disturb your sweet Mom, cause a warfare between siblings with her torn and tormented in the middle. You are a devoted and loving daughter; don't do that to her. Don't endanger her.
Now, I will tack this on. Upon reading this I see that you say something to the effect that anytime you bring up something involving money your brother says "no".
I hope by that you are not saying your brother is POA for your mother. Because if he is, he may also be executor, and as such, if he is in charge of things, he could completely ignore your plans upon your mom's death, and arrange services as he likes. That should be considered. You could only hand him the papers and the information about services and that they are paid. I am sorry you paid for it, but I think that you will always be GLAD you did so.
I don't want to see it taken away when it could provide a bit of assistance with her funeral arrangements. I know where you are coming from totally! Mom,90, is in hospice care and doing rather well but I needed to know what she wants when the time comes.
I found out she likes purple flowers (with white) and I took pictures of memorials she saw online and she picked out flowers and music. If anyone has any arguments they'll have to take it up with her...IF they meet her in the afterlife! Point is you're there and you care deeply enough to respect her wishes and you don't need anymore grief from anyone. Caregiver is a huge responsibility and hardly appreciated. I went through trying to get my brother to be POA because he didn't like my judgements... Oh, no! That could be harmful to his family but it's ok if anything happens to me? It's not easy feeling like your disposable. You know your mother is very happy with you and let the rest go.
In short, you are doing the right thing.
If mom has a problem with this , gently try to explain the situation to her . If brother can not make time to visit mom he ( and wife ) have no right to question the decisions your mom made about anything …
Your brother is a control freak.
Your brother and his wife are awful people.
He and his wife have egos so big that they can't see and care about anyone but themselves.
They disregard and disrespect you.
They think you're not worth their time.
They don't value the relationship and kinship with you.
They don't care how they hurt you.
You, on the other hand, walk on eggshells, bend over backward to apology for some non-mistake, try to please these awful people, want to have them approve of you, have a relationship with you, and like you.
WHY?
Because the awful male happened to come out from the same womb as you?
Please take a giant step back and view the whole dynamic through a dispassionate eye of an outsider.
If you ran into two strangers that were as awful as these people, would you steer clear of them or would you try your best to befriend them and have them like you and approve of you (which by the way would be impossible to due their hugely inflated egos)?
It took a little therapy to really see the clear picture and I have not reached out to him since that last phone call mentioned above. He reached out with one text which I didn’t respond. Although I was sad at first, now I can’t believe how long it took me to see the real picture of how toxic they are. They don’t deserve me!!
Thank you so much for your answer, it’s brilliant!! ❤️
As for your brother and his wife. Try to make up, and remain distant. It is a terrible thing at the end of life to be fighting with family.
Call him or text/email any significant things about your mom. Don't expect replies and don't reply at all if there is any tone of argument in his response. Let it go. When the time comes, notify him of mom's declining health - for sure - and let him make decision on if he goes or not. Do NOT tell him if you are going or when you are going. His visits to mom are not your responsibility to organize for him or to ensure you aren't present at the same time. That's on him.
When it comes time for a funeral, just let him know when and where she will be. A memorial service can be something as simple as meeting at a restaurant for a meal, a graveside meeting for family/friends, or even a small chapel somewhere. Gather to plant a tree in her memory. Even a lovely park near her location - many of them have pavilions or buildings for meetings. Make it easy on yourself.
Keep in mind that your brother has made your family's dynamic the way it is, not you.
Let it go, "respect" his disrespect of you, your mother, and the family as a whole, and move on.
In my case I have one sibling who doesn’t help or do ANYTHING ( except ask for money ), but this makes it probably easier to plan things, than in your case when you’re still in touch with your sibling and want that relationship.
I’m the Charlie Brown of event planning, but my mom wanted ( she’s forgotten now ) cremation and a service at a specific church. Since that’s what she wanted , when the time comes I’m following through on that hopefully final duty. Fortunately that church has kind of a paint-by-numbers memorial organizational style , which works great. If anyone doesn’t like it, too bad! They’re not helping.
But here’s the thing ….post memorial/funeral, I’m going to let my other relatives plan whatever get together they want. If they ask I’ll say I’ve got the funeral arranged to mom’s wishes, any gathering afterwards they can arrange whatever to their heart’s desire. I’m so burned out there’s no way I can deal with memorial planning drama, so I’m keeping an iron grip on that aspect of planning an event. Afterwards? I’m foisting it all off on the others. They’ll have the control there and I’ll have zero complaints since I don’t have arrange yet one more ding dang thing!
When the time comes I’ll let AC here now how this theoretical plan worked out…
Wishing you the best!
It sounds like you and your mother have a similar relationship that I had. We talked, I knew what she wanted, it was written down, and no one else has the right to question that. You are doing a wonderful job!
I have even had the words carved that I want on my ( drawer).
When she died last year at age 93, I was prepared. I called my oldest sibling and informed him of the funeral arrangements, instructing him to inform my other two siblings. I said if they wanted to see mom before she was buried, that was their chance. There were no calling hours, and the services at the funeral home were brief, but dignified. My siblings showed up, and were surprised at how great mom looked, as she clearly did not look her age. I commented that the beautiful woman they saw in the casket was what I saw every morning when I went to wake her up.
At the cemetery, another brief service took place. My siblings then got in their cars and left. They never asked about the funeral cost (Mom had a small life insurance policy and the funeral director was great in keeping the cost within that range). I stayed behind to watch the cemetery workers lower the casket into the vault, and place the vault cover with her name on it. Later in the year, I had a bronze marker similar to that of my korean war veteran dad placed at the cemetery. Again, no participation from the siblings.
Follow your mom's wishes, and forget about what your brother thinks. If he really cared, he would be involved.
The brother sounds kind of weird, in that, he wants to know whenever she visits mom but doesn’t want to be involved in her life. ?? She did the right thing too.
I “bit my tongue” far too many times, and paid for many sleepless nights, because I was afraid “the other” would try to move her away from me, and I was all she had to advocate for her rights and safety.
“When a sibling gives you a job……enough on my plate”. Read your last 3 statements until you believe them.
Then move forward with confidence.
It’s completely understandable that you became frustrated and decided to decide important matters without consulting him. Honestly, I don’t blame you.
Be at peace with your decision. I feel that you made the correct choice by focusing on your mother’s wishes.
My brothers allowed me to do it all. I just did what I thought Mom would want. I was told by both brothers I did good. Your brother has chose to alienate his family. Seems he doesn't see that wife seems to be disrespected alot. Sorry, I no longer walk on eggshells with my family, they get mad, they get glad. And if they get mad and stay that way, oh well. Especially if I apologized.
When Mom has passed, you do what you need to do. You plan, give brother the info and he comes or he doesn't. Thats his choice. And this telling him when ur visiting Mom, no. He tells you when he is visiting Mom and then you work around it. You cannot worry about what he and his wife thinks. They are the problem not you. The wife has a problem. Don't play into their games.
If you don't have POA for Mom, you should get it. Its a tool you may need in the future to make financial and Medical decisions for her when she can't. The Medical is pretty much her wishes that you carry out. There should only be one POA, no sharing the assignment. If Mom wants to, she can assign a secondary. I would say to use a lawyer because of brother.