Yet another day where I'm spending precious work time (I've missed several deadlines already) worrying about Daddy. ...So, it appears that the ALF nickling and diming has reached an EPIC proportion, and I can't afford it anymore. I initially thought that the exorbitant rent covered everything. My Dad is really only at the facility during the day 4 days a week. He goes to an Adult Day Center 3 days and only has breakfast and dinner at the ALF. The Adult Day Center bathes him so we don't need that service, and he honestly only eats a bowl of soup in the evenings for dinner. On weekends, I bring him food. Dad still dresses himself, so the only services he's using are Med Techs for medicine, assistance with oxygen and the safety of the facility. I typed all that to try to justify the extra $534 they now want to charge for "Personal Service" I currently work a second job to cover the difference between Dad's expenses and income, but I don't think I can do it much longer. Working more isn't an option, and I can't even claim Dad as a dependent. Dad loves the ALF, and compared to the facilities that accept Medicaid, it's a palace. Those places were depressing. The VA facility is an hour away from me and looks "institutional". We tried putting Dad in a senior apartment with nurses coming in, but he was miserable and the nurses were awful. I don't know what to do. This may sound terrible, but I am NOT cut out for caregiving. I tried having Dad in my home and spending 3 overnights with him when he was in the apartment. It was NOT a good thing. I don't know what to do.
It is good to be kind to your father, absolutely. But putting your own health and future at risk doesn't make sense.
I can afford a short vacation in a nearby state this year. But I would really, really, like to have a month abroad. Do you think my kids should scrimp and pay the cost of a trip abroad for me because I would like that a whole lot better? I don't!
Staying at the "palace" is awesome if your dad can afford it. Otherwise he will need to make-do with what he can afford.
(And BTW some of those places that look institutional or not well-decorated, etc. provide first-rate care. And some of the palaces don't. You can't always judge by appearances.)
Dad's resources should be paying for dad's care. Not yours.
I've gathered from your posts that you come from a pretty dysfunctional family (13 ex wives, right?).
In my relatively functional family, none of us would think of paying for Mom's care. We are none of us poor, but neither can we afford to give mom everything she might 'want'. She is in a 12000$ per month nh, shared room. Would she like a private room? Probably, but she can't afford that and we are not going to make it happen.
Your dad is so very lucky to have you, but you need to stop killing yourself.
I went to one with huge entry but it was also part coffee bar with nice seating for residents to talk with each other - another has smaller lobby but rooms were nice size - it depends on the needs of each person - a minimalist needs a smaller room than someone who wants book shelves full of family pix
I agree dad's money should pay for him not yours - you sound stretched too thin now [both money & mentally] & where are your savings for your old age - this may sound harsh but he made choices all his life that put him in this position, unless he too supported his parents, where did his money go? -
Don't try to remove old guilts this way if that is what you are doing - it seems you are 'oversupporting' him with bringing food regularly etc - that reads as old problems you are trying to fix but what is happening is that you might be creating new ones of possible resentment for how you live now with your robbed time - what else is going on in your life as you don't seem to have time for much else! - do some rethinking particularly on why you're breaking your back working to support him in luxury!!
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