We've been "priced out" of the assisted living facility. What should I do?

I'm in a similar situation. I hope someone can help us

Tiny, this is probably not the answer you want to hear.

Dad's resources should be paying for dad's care. Not yours.

I've gathered from your posts that you come from a pretty dysfunctional family (13 ex wives, right?).

In my relatively functional family, none of us would think of paying for Mom's care. We are none of us poor, but neither can we afford to give mom everything she might 'want'. She is in a 12000$ per month nh, shared room. Would she like a private room? Probably, but she can't afford that and we are not going to make it happen.

Your dad is so very lucky to have you, but you need to stop killing yourself.

I agree with Barb. Why are you paying for your father's care? Who is going to pay for yours when the time comes?

It is good to be kind to your father, absolutely. But putting your own health and future at risk doesn't make sense.

I can afford a short vacation in a nearby state this year. But I would really, really, like to have a month abroad. Do you think my kids should scrimp and pay the cost of a trip abroad for me because I would like that a whole lot better? I don't!

Staying at the "palace" is awesome if your dad can afford it. Otherwise he will need to make-do with what he can afford.

(And BTW some of those places that look institutional or not well-decorated, etc. provide first-rate care. And some of the palaces don't. You can't always judge by appearances.)

Is your dad a war-time vet? If he is, VA will supplement. It takes a few months to get the benefits, but those are retroactive to the date of the application. It's a lot of paperwork, but so worth it!

Definitely contact the VA - they helped my friend with her AL. Our AL also charges $500+ for each service. Find out what this new service will cover. Doesn't sound like he needs anything more.

I'm wondering why he is going to day care 3 days a week if this is a "palace." At $12,000 a month, they should be providing all the activities andvthen some.

So sorry to hear of your situation. I completely understand trying to make his position more positive and comfortable whatever it takes.

I am somewhat in the same position. I am carrying for my husband with severe peripheral neuropathy. He cannot walk or stand and pivot on own. Three weeks ago he had a pulmonary embolism and was in hospital then skilled nursing for a total of almost 3 weeks. Did well in PT but Dr wanted him to go to assisted living or board and care. Looked and just couldn't do that with what I saw. Spoke with social worker and suggested adult day care. Working on that now.

So he was home for two days, assistance in the mornings. I was putting him to bed last night and he feared would fall so did even though I was helping. Wouldn't get on knees and hands cuz said it hurt too much. Had to call son (30 min away) to come help.

Realize Dr is right -- but other options either too awful or too expensive. And just understanding that the initial price of care as stated is just for rent, higher level of care is additional as are supplies, etc.

I wish I could offer suggestions or helpful comments but I am to of them.

I HAVE A SUGGESTION! My mother is almost 96 years old, and I am the daughter completely 100% in charge of her care, happiness, safety, and finances. Therefore I retired, moved from LA to Orange County, and my husband and I bought a unit right next door to her in a nice senior living community (we are 70).--- After several years of this successful arrangement she had to move to Assisted Living (at 91), and two years ago to a Memorycare facility as she has severe dementia and is now blind and wheelchair bound. Here's my suggestion that I think may help: HIRE AN EXPERT IN THE FIELD OF SENIOR LIVING and/or FINANCIAL ADVISORS. I worked as an Administrator for a large Internal Medicine / Nephrology Group in LA, and I had never heard of this specific field of Advisors who can assist you with all financial options, and who intimately have solid knowledge of the care provided by the various AL and Memorycare facilities in your area. I've been 100% thrilled with the choices I have been given. My mother is getting incredible care (did at both facilities) and we are not paying $12K in pricey Orange County. For recommendations ask your family doctors, local Senior Centers, anything that has to do with Senior Help - Look up Senior Living Advisors - Senior Financial Advisors. I paid zero to my senior living advisor to find local MemoryCare, and just hired and paid a very reasonable fee for a highly recommended Senior Financial Advisor as my mother's funds are waning. She is 96 but may well have many more years despite her disabilities, that is why I needed the Financial Advisor who deals with the issue of care facilities as funds are running out, i both Residences and Financial Options categories. I hope you do this as it provided "peace of mind" to me. I am very involved in my mother's health, care and happiness, but I could not do it myself, at my age, with my spine fusion, in my own little unit. (BTW, these advisors make appointments and take you in their car to see various facilities, just like a realtor would take you to see houses, and they know the reputations and prices, sometimes they can negotiate a lower fee for you. I am so grateful to both of my Advisors, it is so confusing, but we have a lot at stake: the happiness and health of our loved one.

You mentioned the VA facility. Possibly your dad is eligible for the veteran's aid and attendance benefit? That would help pay for the assisted living /personal care.

Barb - seriously? 12000/month? good lord, we thought ~8k was bad! I hope they pamper her to the hilt for that money....
To original poster - more research into other options... check out any and all available locations. There are a lot available, but as you know some are not as good as others. The care given is the important part, not so much what it looks like. It is hard that he likes the place, but cannot afford it. As another said, you mentioned VA place, have you tapped into the VA benefits? We are working on the paperwork for mom, which is about 1150/month if they approve, for dad's service.

I just went thru 7 months with the VA and didn't get anywhere. Is his Daycare free? If not, I don't understand why ur paying for both. Moms was $80 a day at 3days a week about 1000 a month. If u are paying for DC I wouldn't send him. U need to sit down with the director and ask him to justify the cost. Mom was on levels. I paid for the level she was on. Are 3 meals a day included or do u pay by how many he has. Three meals were inluded at Moms if she ate or not. An AL is limited to the care they can give. Maybe Dad needs longterm care. Then Medicaid can help. I know thats not what u want but you are going to suffer healthwise if you keep on. I too am not a caregiver. My Mom is in a LT nursing facility now. No, nothings perfect but she adapted well so far. They try to keep residents busy during the day. I wash her clothes but with a man u may want them to. I have seen a couple of former AL residents and they look well and clean. As long as ur there regularly, u can keep up on what is going on.

Board-and-Care Homes - a GOOD Option: One more thing I wanted to share. Here in Orange County CA our Advisor showed us (when we were searching for less expensive options) the multitude of Board and Care Homes. They can be a wonderful option (if you do your homework) whereby up to 6 people share a nice residential home with 2 caremanagers. You could pay 1/3 what you are paying now, but you do need to do the work, go on the tours, see many homes, ask questions, look at his possible house-mates, talk with them, and get a feeling. Here in OC, there are MANY Board-and-Cares, and some are in very fancy neighborhoods (...though fancy is not a criteria for me - I'm looking for happy, vigilant, meds services, food, Activities, and healthy care - as well as cognitive level of residents.) I always ask the owners, "what happens if my mother rolls out of bed in the middle of the night - who responds?" It is a good question because some have better "night staff" options than others. So check out Board and Care facilities and night staff costs a few bucks more. Check out the individual homes on Yelp. They are licensed by the State. Your dad will adjust to a new setting, and the caremanagers are usually (in my experience) very kind and nurturing.

I agree with the VA sometimes not being so beautifully decorated, but they took good care of my Dad. Sometimes not perfect, but either are the beautiful places. My daughter is a PT at one of the highest rated facilities in our area and she has some stories to tell. I think one of the things you have to do is be stopping in all the time and discuss things t hat may not be working. IF you are nice, they will work with you. Also, there is always a shortage of help at all of these facilities.

It's time for your dad to go to the VA or to a Board-and-Care Home. What a place looks like is less important than what the care is like. You are feeling like you can't do it all anymore and you are right. What are you going to do if you continue to miss deadlines and it costs you your job?

.... sounds to me you are lost within yourself, caught between fighting guilt and actual (true) responsibility, so clear and concise thought in unable to rule your decisions and actions. Take a little time, take a deep breath sit back, ask another (one who's mature and practical) to sit down with you and think about and discuss what's going on, and about what's going out of your pocket and why. Weigh things out, create balance and rational decisions based on reality and not emotion. (understand that your love and caring about him is not going to change if you change some things to allow you to live  (and that includes financially.   (... one more thing, I get the feeling you are thinking the more you do for you ur dad the less the facility charges, so read the facility's contracted obligations of what's built into the monthly rent. Facility's charge for 3 meals per day and 24 hour care no matter the food you bring or the time he's out of the building, they don't give you reduced charge credit for doing anything out side of the contract, keep that in mind while you "re-think, the entire situation.)

Definitely check out the VA if your dad is a veteran. They have a nursing home benefit of up to $2000 a month, but your father can't have assets of more than $80,000. My understanding is that when a person first goes into a care facility, they have to pay for it until their money runs out, and then legally they can't be removed, Medicare has to kick in. That's one of the reasons the costs are so high for new people coming in, they are sort of subsidizing the care of others who are on Medicare (from a book, Bittersweet Season, by Jane Gross). My dad has been very anxious seeing his money fly out of his account every month, and asked me to find something cheaper. You may need to look further afield for a decent place. For instance, I am in a very expensive area, so my mother's care is $8,000 a month. But if we leave our immediate area and find something an hour away, the price drops to $4700 a month. We have since moved my mother to a shared room which is cheaper, in the same place. For some reason, the place neglected to tell us that was an option. Anyway, you are going way beyond the call of duty working two jobs to pay for your father. And of course it's totally understandable that it's too difficult to care for him yourself. Does he have access to Medicare? If do, it may take some research to find a reasonable place. I also recommend the website A Place for Mother. The advisors there will work with on the phone and are very helpful , and don't charge anything.

Palaces or great front entrances always are for 'show' but what is actual care? - that is generally wasted space if it not set up for residents usage but to hook new people into coming there - it is the room size & care that is more important - I think it could be close to 'bait & switch' because they are switching what is included once he is comfortable & doesn't want hassle of a move - a bit unethical in my opinion

I went to one with huge entry but it was also part coffee bar with nice seating for residents to talk with each other - another has smaller lobby but rooms were nice size - it depends on the needs of each person - a minimalist needs a smaller room than someone who wants book shelves full of family pix

I agree dad's money should pay for him not yours - you sound stretched too thin now [both money & mentally] & where are your savings for your old age - this may sound harsh but he made choices all his life that put him in this position, unless he too supported his parents, where did his money go? -

Don't try to remove old guilts this way if that is what you are doing - it seems you are 'oversupporting' him with bringing food regularly etc - that reads as old problems you are trying to fix but what is happening is that you might be creating new ones of possible resentment for how you live now with your robbed time - what else is going on in your life as you don't seem to have time for much else! - do some rethinking particularly on why you're breaking your back working to support him in luxury!!

My concern is not just the cost but the care. Every place I have contacted for my husband's care has a level of care scale. Having ALZ puts that cost at the top but than comes the big AND " we cannot restrain anyone". They are misreading the Health Care Law so they tell us we also have to hire 24 hour "sitters". A person with ALZ will not remember that they just had surgery or worse so they will get up to walk and promptly fall down. The surgeon who replaced my husband's hip said he needs to have a restraint in the wheel chair and wrote it down. I asked the facility to please allow one and they refused. He has fallen down several times so they required me to have 24 hour sitters. The new law allows restraints when needed but even though we get charged more for "level of care" and "ALZ" is one. Every facility I have contacted is insisting that I also provide 24 hour sitters. I am contacting congress and hope every one who is being forced to spend so much extra and yet leave the person in danger will contact their representative.

Dear Pat - My posts (2 Prior) ARE referring to Alzheimers/Dementia Care (aka MemoryCare, Reminiscence), and yes it is the highest level of care. My mom's levels have been (justifiably) raised because she used to be able to walk, and she used to be able to see, and feed herself. Now she can do nothing for herself. Sunrise Reminiscence Community (MemoryCare) has taken such good care of her that....A. She is going on 96 ...and B. She is happy and C. She has not lost weight. That means they are feeding her well because usually people this age generally lose weight. Despite her blindness they include her in bus trips to interesting places, music performances upstairs in the regular Assisted/Independent Living, and their wonderful Terrace environment has been created specifically for ALZ so that even though the outer door is locked so she can't wander out the door (which is why we had to leave Assisted Living and move to MemoryCare elsewhere), it is an Open Concept where she, when sighted, could ambulate on her own, with arches all around the Main Activities Town Center - TV, Kitchen, Sunroom, Living room, dining room so that she can be seen at all times. My suggestion, if you want a change and a solution and financial relief, is to examine some of these options I suggested carefully. I know of what I speak, and have been participating actively in my mother's care and well-being for the past 30 years when she has needed me. Plus I have the medical background, so I am considering all aspects of Senior and Elderly Residence Living. I hope my postings may help others because this is a real dilemma for those caring for elderly loved ones.

What you can do is get a hold of the facility admin or even the owners. I don't know if you had to sign anything when you admitted your dad to the facility, but it would be a smart move to read anything you may have had to sign if anything, specifically anything about what the rent covers. definitely take your questions to the admin or the owners or maybe even both

First, why are you paying for his nursing home facility and not him paying for it himself? If he can't, why is he not on Medicaid? If he's eligible, he should be on Medicaid, let them pay for it and save your own money for your own needs. 

What you can do is get a hold of the facility admin or even the owners. I don't know if you had to sign anything when you admitted your dad to the facility, but it would be a smart move to read anything you may have had to sign if anything, specifically anything about what the rent covers. Definitely take your questions to the admin or the owners or maybe even both  if he absolutely must be in a facility. 

To be honest with you, I'm not cut out for caregiving either so I hear you! I had to deal with my foster dad as he was declining and I didn't know what to do or where to turn. What worsened the situation is he was renting from a slumlord who wouldn't fix nothing. This made an already bad situation far worse and I was even trying to help him save enough money to get out of there and move to a better, much safer place. I wanted to save up enough of his extra money and put it outside for him so I could actually act on his behalf and get him a better place, and just surprise him. The only thing I lacked was the manpower and a good vehicle to actually physically move him and his stuff to the new place. I could've easily landed him a new place, but getting him there would've been something I wouldn't have been able to do without the needed resources to  finish the job. I got a hold of APS and told them about this slumlord and what I was trying to do to get dad a new place that was much safer, all the place he was at was definitely not safe with wildlife such as raccoons and stuff coming in the walls and even into the apartment. Getting the cops or even the fire department to get rid of the wild animals was near impossible. The fire department was supposed to come and help but never showed up and I eventually got that sneaking sinking feeling they weren't coming. The cops did very little to remedy the problem and they only turned one raccoon loose close to the road, leaving it to come right back in again. He said it wasn't the first time a raccoon actually got in, according to him, he even saw one during the early morning hours. This was a very big raccoon but I'm not sure how it got in. It was not safe for dad to live in that place anymore and I couldn't do anything if I couldn't get him out of there without the right help and a good vehicle to move him and his stuff. I explained to the APS I was trying to get him out of there but I had no help or a vehicle and I needed some help to get him out of there before one of those wild animals actually bit him. It was quite a long while, but the APS finally stepped in and said to other people besides me made anonymous reports, which is why they finally stepped in and moved him themselves. What shocked me is his apartment was taken away from him within a matter of days, he didn't get to enjoy it and we didn't even get everything unpacked before he was admitted straight to a nursing home after two hospitalizations for pneumonia and signs of self-neglect. I can't just force him to take care of himself, change his clothes and wash them. I was willing to do his laundry for him, but he wasn't willing to bring out his dirty clothes. I couldn't make him so I left it alone. I also couldn't put him in the shower without needed help, he stunk real bad. His appetite unfortunately was not that great and he wouldn't eat anything healthy, just a greasy TV dinners. There was just not much I could do without the right help and I'm glad APS finally stepped in and got him a new place. If given guardianship though, I was willing to give him the best possible life and get him back to health by getting even a feeding tube into him and getting some weight back on him so he would feel better and have less arthritis pain. Yes, he was the dad I never had growing up, and I tried to be the closest thing to a daughter as I possibly could because he lost his daughter who was born with half heart function, and his wife to cancer. Therefore, he had no one to take care of him in his old age, not even grandkids to come around. He was hoping to see some kids out of me, he was hoping I would have a daughter. Sadly though, I never found the right man to marry and I won't have kids with no man I'm not married to. No husband, no kids

Being priced out of a facility maybe a blessing for your mom or dad. Keep them in their home and use the house to support them.

I would really like to help because I am facing a similar situation. My Wife and myself have worked in the placement field for 15 years. We place very wealthy Pts and both middle and low income Patients as well. But I have never have seen any facility cost 12,000 a month 1200 a month sure but I guess I'm not facing the same situation as you my dear. I guess I would find a facility in the 3000 a month if you have that kind of money. They are like Country Clubs

Many trusted sources told me "NEVER USE YOUR OWN MONEY FOR YOUR PARENTS' CARE." Many on this thread agree with that statement.

Why don't you call a Place for Mom, or hire a geriatric care manager. They can look at your dad's income and find alternative solutions.

My mom could not afford to live in an AL facility near me. I found a wonderful place in the country (about an hour away) that was half the cost. As someone mentioned earlier there are also wonderful private homes that care for the elderly. The farther you go out; the less expensive many of these places are.

A Place for Mom or a geriatric care manager have the resources and information you need to help you.

Thanks for ALL of the wonderful advice and tough love.

Dad is completely at the max with all of his benefits (100% service connected, Aid and Attendance, etc.) Recently, I went on a wild goose chase because the Low Vision coordinator recommended having an updated vision exam to see if he qualified for a $500 increase - He didn't and I ran myself bananas making up the 4 hour absence at job number One.

Yes, our family put the "D" in dysfunctional, and I pretty much "do it all"... have since I was six years old, so it's very hard for me not to "people please".

It looks like he may just have to "suck it up" and go to a different facility. I met with the services coordinator (more time off work today) and reviewed how little of the extra services Dad is using.

I send Dad to the Adult Daycare for two reasons: 1) The VA covers it and that is the only way we can get him to bathe (they provide that service) and 2) The stubborn old grump sits in his room all day and complains about being lonely on the days he's not there.

He flat out refuses to even try to attend some of the many functions they offer at the ALF or any of the outings offered by the VA Low Vision Clinic, so I gave up on that one. When he's not at the adult day care he calls me CONSTANTLY.

I am going to definitely look into the Financial Advisor option -- especially since the VA told me that the fuduciary form it took me three days to complete is incorrect and I have 5 days to correct it. Seriously, who has TIME for all of this stuff?

@Momhelper... Dad is on the waiting list for a VA sponsored boarding care home. There aren't many in my area (except for the care manager who has four young children -- don't think so), but I call every month to see if something opens up. Fingers crossed...

MsPat, I also deal with the "no restraints" law as my 96 year old blind mom wants to either bolt from her wheelchair or roll out of her bed. I have worked with her memorycare and it's gotten better (bed alarm...vigilence ). You might check Board-and-Care facilities. Ask them if a bedrail etc is ok. Some can assist you.