My step-dad bought his privately hired caregiver a used car, (because she has to take him to doctors out of town every few months and her vehicle was failing) and gave her $5,000. We have discussed this. I have spoken to her and she yelled at me saying that it was his idea, and the money is going towards her little girls education. At first he was going to be 10,000! Now, every time he discusses what he wants her to do, she blames it on me.
We now have a few other people coming in and she is not coming in 7 days a week. It started out to be just weekends, then went to 5 days a week, then she was dropping in every day. She started taking him to her church, he said he liked the breakfasts, she brings her daughters over.
We live in a small community, and access to caregivers is expensive and limited.
It all comes down to what he wants. He is 91, and mentally sound. I know he gets lonely and he likes her company.
My question is, should I report her, or just let her know that she will be fired if she accepts any more gifts?
What that caregiver is doing is very unprofessional. Fire her. You do not owe her an explanation, but do what the others suggested and make sure she has not gotten into his money. If she had, file charges. If you don't, she will find another elder to take advantage of. I wish you luck with this situation, and pray you find another caregiver who is there for the right reason...
Whomever has his POA should check his bank accounts and credit report for theft and/or fraud. If it is warranted, place a "fraud alert" on his credit report. This would prevent anyone from taking out a loan or opening credit card accounts. If you suspect abuse, contact adult services and perhaps the police and file a report.
If this woman is belligerent to you when you call, it is a sure sign that she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your step-father for her own gain. In the future, instruct any paid caregiver that they are not to ask personal questions about your father's family, finances, or other sensitive information. They are not to accept excessive gifts and by doing so, their employment will be terminated.
If you cannot find help for your step-father in his home town, consider moving him closer to you in either a private apt. or ALF. It is better than letting him be taken advantage of in his home town where no one is monitoring the hired help.
good luck
Restraining order? Absolutely. But people like her often find ways around them. Still, it's a great idea.
ALL SHE'S GOT:
You're right. Apples & oranges. If confronted, that caregiver will undoubtedly say the $5K gift and the car were his idea; and that he insisted. The fact of the matter is that most women communicate by giving subtle suggestions instead of being literal, and many men will either fall for the Damsel in Distress in a heartbeat or consider how best to help -- especially when there's a secondary gain. Even when they know there's a possibility they might be taken for a fool.
"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for day. Teach him how to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime." The best way to help others is to give them the tools to help themselves. I don't care if it's a man or a woman; straight, gay, bi, confused, in the closet, or behind the closet.
Most women I know find me intriguing or intimidating. Perhaps because I'm the only male out of 14 children, and I understand the female psyche better than the average Joe. Perhaps because I'm looking for a self-reliant, self-respecting woman who wants me but doesn't need me; and only hangs around because she loves me.
Although it sounds like I'm looking for a custom-fit in an off-the-rack world, there are many out there. Yet no one, no matter how lonely or mature, deserves to be manipulated, used, or abused in any way. And I have no tolerance for these golddiggers -- which are quite common in my Southeast Bronx neighborhood and usually target the physically/psychologically frail elderly to the point they often feel grateful that some Spring chicken finds them "attractive" and wants to spend some time with them the week when the SSI/SSD checks arrive.
My "Trick Alarm" goes up when females 20-30 years younger than I approach me at the Parkchester Fountain while I'm reading and relaxing. "Casing the joint," they ask if I'm single, what kind of work do I do, and if I have a car. I immediately flip the script with something like "I just came back from Upstate (NY prison) after catching three bodies, and I'm looking for a place to hang out for a while. ... Can I get your #?" In a nutshell, they realize I'm not to be played with and the conversation ends abruptly. Maybe when I hit 90 my tune will be completely different, but for now I'd rather hang on to my self-respect and keep my eyes peeled for these shiftless predators who prefer to get the milk and the cow for free.
Good night my ladies.
-- ED
Caring for an elder with cognitive problems can be very rewarding and also risky. Whether you are getting a fair wage or not!
I know that my level of comfort with (them) her is outside of the range of what might be safe in some situations, but it has, in fact, worked out just fine. I'm not there on my own time, I don't take anything from them (and wouldn't if offered), and find myself being mostly family, but very respectful of family. Most of the time I simply leave the room if the family comes to sit and visit. Often I'm called back by either her or one of the kids. It's nice. Still - I "know my place"! I also remind them often that in my world and my business, I'm an executive and doctors and investment people ask ME for advice! Ha ha. Gotta have the pride in there SOMEWHERE as you wash the bathroom floor! :-)
Take care - I look forward to hearing the "rest of the story"!
Ruth
Somehow my brother scared the caregiver into paying for the car (eventually and after much effort). We have no idea how much money she got from him before we found out.
And just to be clear - my brother and I were not worried about an inheritance. We were worried that he was going to give it away and there would be none left for their care.
Lilliput had great advice. Investigate all of his financial information and try to figure out what is going on before it is too late.
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