Recently my father, 87 , fell and broke his neck. His injury is serious however he was lucky and not paralyzed. The injury occurred two weeks ago, with my finding out today when I called my fathers cell phone to arrange a lunch date. My eldest sister answered his phone and I was then told what had happened.
Historical context: There has been lifelong conflict between myself and two older sisters (middle sister triangulates), I am the youngest. The conflict had escalated within the last six months. We all live in the same town. Regarding my fathers injury, the middle sister determined that I would not be called and told about our fathers injury because of her own issues with me. The eldest sister went along with the middle sisters decision. I have a close relationship with my father. There are no problems in our relationship, or with his current care. The issue is that I was not called when he fell and broke his neck and was hospitalized (they kept me from him and kept him from the comfort of my being their during a time when he could have passed away) and as it is he needed all family to be supportive.
I was on vacation when the injury occurred- which my father knew of, but my sisters didn't. My being out of the area was not why they didn't call me. Had they called me I would have returned immediately. When I returned to town I called my father for the lunch date.
Because of the behavior my two sisters enacted I am concerned that they will continue to try to keep me from having contact with my father. What legal rights do I and or my father have so that we can maintain contact and I can help to care for him?
The middle sister who triangulates lives with my father in his home, however her name is on his property etc. in the event he dies she will continue to have a place to live. With her name in the property she feels she has a right to exercise limiting my contact with my father.
I am not and will not get drawn into drama or recriminations with them. I keep all texts and voicemails, which have a nature of attempts to goud me into argument. I am not biting that hook. I am focused on my dad, being present for him, grateful for any contact I may have.
I am very grateful he didn't die from his injury, and will support him in any manner that I can.
My two sisters are trying hard as they might to limit and control my contact with him, because they say their choice to "out me" makes me not part of his care team.
Day to day, moment to moment. I cope.
The initial shock of their actions regarding excluding me from knowing he had a critical injury and was hospitalized literally broke me for about 24 hours. I have regrouped and am stepping forward with a business perspective: the business at hand is care and comfort of my father. Period.
And yes, I like CM's idea of working on new ground rules, possibly with a neutral third party present. This job that all of you have is only going to get harder; not fighting with your sibs in the process makes it a little bit easier.
I think it is a good thing to be consulting a lawyer. Know what your options are and how to respond if the meanies try to keep you from your father. I suspect that you could easily have your father sign a HIPAA waiver so that doctors could talk to you directly. You don't have to have POA for that to happen.
I somehow doubt that you can force your sisters to communicate with you (but do talk to the lawyer about that). Certainly they should have told you of the injury, but that is my moral perspective, not a legal one.
If middle sister truly is narcissistic, I think she is a lost cause. Learn to work around her; don't expect her to work with you. Is there any possibility you could mend your relationship with Sister1? Be very careful not to try to alienate her from middle sister, but just try to reestablish sisterly bonds with her? Would she like to join you and your husband for dinner some night? Do you have a scrapbook you could look over with her and see if she'd like copies of any of the pictures? Does she have one you'd like to see? If you come across a cartoon she'd like, could you send her a little note? Don't make your contacts directly about Dad; just try to be friends.
I'd love to find out what you learn from the lawyer.
Good luck to you!
All you can do is let them think you learned your lesson and see if you are granted permission back in the family. Who cares, really, as long as the drama is kept to a minimum and your dad is not involved in the sibling rivalry.
They might be more than happy to have you step in and help once the shiny veneer of control wears thin, so find out your legal rights and then get in the game because middle sister has control and wants to teach you a lesson and you'll just have to play along and be smarter about it if you want to play with them at all.
The danger is putting dad in the middle. When all he really wants is peace. Most likely he's let go of all the problems of this world and is content to be taken care of by his daughter...as is happening now. He's going to be loyal to his caregiver come hell or high water. I can almost guarantee that.
Make peace!
Maybe an attorney might be able to intercede. But as far as legal action? I'd wish the poster good luck with that. I personally think it'd be throwing good money after bad.
Sometimes, to get what we want, we have to suck it up. Big time.
See All Answers