Recently my father, 87 , fell and broke his neck. His injury is serious however he was lucky and not paralyzed. The injury occurred two weeks ago, with my finding out today when I called my fathers cell phone to arrange a lunch date. My eldest sister answered his phone and I was then told what had happened.
Historical context: There has been lifelong conflict between myself and two older sisters (middle sister triangulates), I am the youngest. The conflict had escalated within the last six months. We all live in the same town. Regarding my fathers injury, the middle sister determined that I would not be called and told about our fathers injury because of her own issues with me. The eldest sister went along with the middle sisters decision. I have a close relationship with my father. There are no problems in our relationship, or with his current care. The issue is that I was not called when he fell and broke his neck and was hospitalized (they kept me from him and kept him from the comfort of my being their during a time when he could have passed away) and as it is he needed all family to be supportive.
I was on vacation when the injury occurred- which my father knew of, but my sisters didn't. My being out of the area was not why they didn't call me. Had they called me I would have returned immediately. When I returned to town I called my father for the lunch date.
Because of the behavior my two sisters enacted I am concerned that they will continue to try to keep me from having contact with my father. What legal rights do I and or my father have so that we can maintain contact and I can help to care for him?
The middle sister who triangulates lives with my father in his home, however her name is on his property etc. in the event he dies she will continue to have a place to live. With her name in the property she feels she has a right to exercise limiting my contact with my father.
All you can do is let them think you learned your lesson and see if you are granted permission back in the family. Who cares, really, as long as the drama is kept to a minimum and your dad is not involved in the sibling rivalry.
They might be more than happy to have you step in and help once the shiny veneer of control wears thin, so find out your legal rights and then get in the game because middle sister has control and wants to teach you a lesson and you'll just have to play along and be smarter about it if you want to play with them at all.
Forget the sibling issues in the emails. Remember to thank your sister for caring for your father, it is hard work no matter what you feel about her.
Also, look internally at yourself. My mother was very intensely emotional, to the point that managing her responses sometimes became more the focus than anything else. If you are not able to remain calm while being concerned, scared, worried about your father, work on this. Mom ended up being told stuff after it was managed. If she got upset, during it would only have slowed the situation down, or made it worse. What your dad needs is people who look like they believe "everything will be ok", even if it might not.
I was married to a NARSISSIST. Didn't know what the problem was until I left and he wanted a psychologist to tell ME that I was wrong to leave. The doctor told him in closing, "you don't love even yourself, you aren't capable of loving AT ALL". He told people "the dr said I was normal.". And after 26 years tells everyone he doesn't know why his family left him in 1986! I won't go on.
As stated before, the narcissistic sister will be unmovable. She is right if 99% of the WORLD says different. Work around her all you can. Say you are coming and go. If she turns you away, try again and again. I had better luck just telling my husband "I'm going to moms" than asking "can I go to moms". May God give you insight as to how to be near your dad. And please do tell us how it went with the lawyer. (if my brother was in town, I would need one, I'm sure, we never got along consistently.). Hugs...
These sisters are on a witch hunt and will resort to accusing her of anything they can dream up.
I have no answer to your situation and I wish you the best. I have lived through a lot of this stuff. Some of my lowest points have been during this time of my mother getting older. I just have to believe I am doing what is right for her. And for me that is staying away.
The danger is putting dad in the middle. When all he really wants is peace. Most likely he's let go of all the problems of this world and is content to be taken care of by his daughter...as is happening now. He's going to be loyal to his caregiver come hell or high water. I can almost guarantee that.
Make peace!
Maybe an attorney might be able to intercede. But as far as legal action? I'd wish the poster good luck with that. I personally think it'd be throwing good money after bad.
Sometimes, to get what we want, we have to suck it up. Big time.
That said, I have to agree with all who said do whatever it takes to make peace. Eat a s... sandwich if you must. I would not put it past them to find a way to get a TRO, to keep you from you Dad. And start, right now, and quietly, finding a way around them. If you can afford a lawyer, get one. The fact that they openly admit their actions were "payback" means they are sure they have, and will keep, all the control they need. As soon as he is able get your Dad to sign the HIPAA waiver. Then you will, at least, have access to his medical condition. I don't know what should come next, but your lawyer should be able to tell you. Be as pro-active as you can be. Fight for your right to have access to you Dad, when you chose, not when they chose. But do it quietly while kissing up to their faces. My thoughts, and prayers are with you. Good luck.
I rang and/or visited my mother every day from the day my Dad died to the day we moved in together, except when she was physically out of the country. I had no idea I was harassing her!
I don't understand what that judge was thinking. Maybe she's been spared (so far) from having a declining or lonely parent she worries about.
My father does recognize me when I visit and talks to me in current time, however my sister states he has lost cognitive ability and doesn't always recognize them or have a concept of reality. He has not made improvements since the initial injury and is also incontinent now.
In closure-- the vertebrae fractures and frontal lobe injuries have seriously impacted him.
At the moment I have determined that I will do my best to work with my sisters to try to lessen drama and further retaliation by them.
This much I know-- there isn't much room for healing this current chapter among the three sisters-- it is what it is. There is never a win win with a narcicist.
I'm waiting for this to happen with my brother. When it does, it's going to be a delicate exchange:
"Mum really is losing it. She didn't recognise me."
"No, she's forgotten you. What do you expect? You're a stranger."
I'm sorry there isn't more reassuring news, but thanks for the update. Three 45 minute sessions is a lot better than seeing him whisked off out of reach, though, isn't it? I hope he begins to make progress.
The Omsbudsman called and recommended I contact legal aide as her actions may well be isolation of father from family / outside world.
I'm glad the ombudsman is taking an interest. Before you get heavy, though, keep giving her chances. Take what she says at face value: ok, so he's tired - what days are better? You'll be 'busy cooking dinner' (very hard not to get sarcastic there, but…) - so what time will you be free from your weighty domestic responsibilities (sorry didn't I just say don't be sarcastic oops my bad)? I.e. be firm and persistent but nice. If you don't go away eventually she'll have to co-operate. Do other people have 'broken record' techniques for this, similar to the ones you're supposed to use for recalcitrant children?
Very irritating. Don't let her provoke you.