I am 53 and have to live with her due to my health issues. I can't work and don't make enough in my disability check to live anywhere else. She has emotionally blackmailed me my entire life. Now she is starting to get dementia and treating me worse. Even though I am in a lot of pain most days, I'm the one that has always had to wait on her hand and foot. She does not appreciate me at all for everything I do for her. I have worked like a slave the last four years and my health has declined greatly because of it. A few days out of the month I crash and think of ways I can end my life. My sister just tells me to do what's good for ME and if I complain to my brother, he laughs about it. They both have good lives and mine is awful because everyday I am being tortured emotionally with the guilt she constantly throws my way. I have cooked super healthy meals and things she can eat without her having to wear her dentures. She refuses to wear them. So every meal I have to cut things into the tiniest pieces. She mostly eats the food I cook, I have to eat organic, I buy it, make gourmet healthy tasty meals , clean it up, and make enough so that she can have left overs the next day. My sister brings $100 worth of restaurant food to her about every 10 days and sabotages my efforts to keep mom out of pain and healthy. Mom has skin problems that are from gut problems and constantly complains . When she eats my good food for a week, her complaints stop but then continue when she starts eating the restaurant food. And I'm the one that has to deal with her complaints all day and all evening 24/7. She does give me about $300 a month to help me, but she expects so much more and I can't stay out past 11:000Pm and she threatens if I spend the night with a friend etc., that I can find a new place to live. I'm thinking that I have squatters rights and should be able to leave once in a while. She treats me bad and throws guilt trips on me if I don't do exactly what she wants. Then she is mean to me and ignores me when I don't act like she wants. I need the money to help with medicine and food, etc. so I'm afraid to do what I want to do for fear of her cutting me off financially and not helping me when I need something important. There is also the awful non verbal retaliation of ignoring me and acting like I am a stranger in the house that she has no relationship with. And this is not been brought on because of the start of dementia, it's ALWAYS been this way. My mom and I have always been too close with each other.she had no relationship with my father( her husband)other than her acting like a mother to him. She doesn't understand what boundaries are and I never made them because when I tried, she would emotionally blackmail me with different comments. I'm so worried about my future because she won't leave the house to me. It's going to be split with my brother and Sister. They both are fine and own their own homes and make good money and have no health problems that hinder them in any way. I can't stand my brother , he is awful to me and could care a less that I have health problems and that I'm unable to make it on my own. He won't even throw me a $20 bone. My sister is very helpful when I need help.
I've been to 3 different therapists and they all just keep telling me to ignore moms behavior and get on with my life. It's easy for them, they don't have to deal with the awful guilt trips and fear of not having anywhere to live. I'm just looking for other people's perspective .. I'll read everyone's reply. Thank you
I know disability is a very limited income. I also know several people on disability who are not living with their parents.
I suggest you talk to your county's human services department and ask for a needs assessment for yourself. They may suggest low-income housing, food stamps, Medicaid, and several other ways to get financial help so that you can move out.
Your mother sounds like a Narcissist. They don't change. And she has dementia. They get worse. Establishing boundaries with someone who has dementia is a real challenge. If you are serious about wanting your own life, you are going to have to pursue getting it ... she is not going to hand it to you.
There may be a waiting list for subsidized housing. The sooner you take action, the sooner your name will come to the top.
How can you pull away? Move out.
It's also not like your mom is leaving the house to you anyway and from what you say about your siblings, they won't be generous with their "shares" once your mother is gone. You have no incentive to stay and every incentive to leave.
We all love our parents to some extent, no matter how bad they treat us. But there comes a time when you have to get out from under their control and power over you. If you work to become independent and show your mother and siblings you can take care of yourself, you will be able to have more power over your choices and your life. Her care isn't your responsibility and if your siblings hang that over your head when you say you're leaving, tell them you've done your part and now she's their problem.
I think you know what you need to do and have the strength and determination to do it. You just need that validation. It's a gradual process and a lot of guilt will be felt, but it will get easier. You have to live for you.
There are options for people in your situation and condition. Talk with your county department on aging and disabilities. Wait lists are a likely immediate outcome but it's a start. Get yourself a caseworker to help you through the process and your options. Through the county - as long as you qualify- they are free and it's their job to find you workable solutions.
In the mean time, as long as nothing changes - nothing will change.
Just out of curiosity- why is your mother leaving her house to your sibling without including a share for you?
pattiac, I love these words. They would make a great mission statement for many of us here on AgingCare.com!
I understand your frustration, Sugarboo. Even if you consider that you are living in your mother's house for free (Are you? Do you chip in for utilities, food?) plus getting $300/month from her, it's probably nowhere near what 24/7 care would cost by anyone else or anywhere else. Right?
In your mother's mind, you ARE being compensated by the free rent and the $300/month. She probably thinks she owes you nothing more. (Of course, she is wrong!)
Just how much is the house worth? And is there a chance that she will have to move out at some point to a facility if she needs more help than you can provide? Surely you aren't going to be expected to take care of her no matter what? Does she have assets to pay for her own care in a facility?
I hate it when a caregiver sacrifices their own health for the elder. But the previous posters are correct; you CAN move out. If you don't, you are admitting that your mother is more important than you are.
PLEASE consider moving out. There are alternatives to living with her.
First, a ((((hug)))). Your life is a beautiful thing and worth preserving, but right now it's a living h*ll. Your Mom thinks she can manipulate you to sacrifice your health (your life) for her. She thinks she's "got you" but it doesn't have to be that way. You must disarm her by refusing to play her games. Walk away. But first, you need a plan. You've received good advice here. I don't know what state you live in, but most have programs and resources for people in need. Plan as if you'll never get another penny from your jailer again. Seek them out. Don't tell your mom or sibs what you're doing, at least not for the moment. If Mom finds out, she'll ramp up her abuse and try to sabotage your efforts to save yourself. Your sibs may or may not be part of the problem; but consider this: If they discover your plan to back away, this puts the burden on them and they may try (consciously or unconsciously) to set up roadblocks to your success. They'll all find out in good time. You'll have to walk out that door to implement your plans. Mom will make a scene, threaten, etc. Let her stew in her own juices. She'll need to get used to it. Empower yourself. No one else will.
Others here have given you golden advice. Break the cycle and her power over you will be gone. Much much easier said than done. But do it, or you only have yourself to complain to.
Sorry to be so blunt but this is 911 time for you
You can move out. Yes, you would have to qualify for section 8 housing. Possibly Medicare and SNAP program. But if you are serious about becoming healthier mentally so that you can also be healthier physically you can do it.
See All Answers