I am 53 and have to live with her due to my health issues. I can't work and don't make enough in my disability check to live anywhere else. She has emotionally blackmailed me my entire life. Now she is starting to get dementia and treating me worse. Even though I am in a lot of pain most days, I'm the one that has always had to wait on her hand and foot. She does not appreciate me at all for everything I do for her. I have worked like a slave the last four years and my health has declined greatly because of it. A few days out of the month I crash and think of ways I can end my life. My sister just tells me to do what's good for ME and if I complain to my brother, he laughs about it. They both have good lives and mine is awful because everyday I am being tortured emotionally with the guilt she constantly throws my way. I have cooked super healthy meals and things she can eat without her having to wear her dentures. She refuses to wear them. So every meal I have to cut things into the tiniest pieces. She mostly eats the food I cook, I have to eat organic, I buy it, make gourmet healthy tasty meals , clean it up, and make enough so that she can have left overs the next day. My sister brings $100 worth of restaurant food to her about every 10 days and sabotages my efforts to keep mom out of pain and healthy. Mom has skin problems that are from gut problems and constantly complains . When she eats my good food for a week, her complaints stop but then continue when she starts eating the restaurant food. And I'm the one that has to deal with her complaints all day and all evening 24/7. She does give me about $300 a month to help me, but she expects so much more and I can't stay out past 11:000Pm and she threatens if I spend the night with a friend etc., that I can find a new place to live. I'm thinking that I have squatters rights and should be able to leave once in a while. She treats me bad and throws guilt trips on me if I don't do exactly what she wants. Then she is mean to me and ignores me when I don't act like she wants. I need the money to help with medicine and food, etc. so I'm afraid to do what I want to do for fear of her cutting me off financially and not helping me when I need something important. There is also the awful non verbal retaliation of ignoring me and acting like I am a stranger in the house that she has no relationship with. And this is not been brought on because of the start of dementia, it's ALWAYS been this way. My mom and I have always been too close with each other.she had no relationship with my father( her husband)other than her acting like a mother to him. She doesn't understand what boundaries are and I never made them because when I tried, she would emotionally blackmail me with different comments. I'm so worried about my future because she won't leave the house to me. It's going to be split with my brother and Sister. They both are fine and own their own homes and make good money and have no health problems that hinder them in any way. I can't stand my brother , he is awful to me and could care a less that I have health problems and that I'm unable to make it on my own. He won't even throw me a $20 bone. My sister is very helpful when I need help.
I've been to 3 different therapists and they all just keep telling me to ignore moms behavior and get on with my life. It's easy for them, they don't have to deal with the awful guilt trips and fear of not having anywhere to live. I'm just looking for other people's perspective .. I'll read everyone's reply. Thank you
I know disability is a very limited income. I also know several people on disability who are not living with their parents.
I suggest you talk to your county's human services department and ask for a needs assessment for yourself. They may suggest low-income housing, food stamps, Medicaid, and several other ways to get financial help so that you can move out.
Your mother sounds like a Narcissist. They don't change. And she has dementia. They get worse. Establishing boundaries with someone who has dementia is a real challenge. If you are serious about wanting your own life, you are going to have to pursue getting it ... she is not going to hand it to you.
There may be a waiting list for subsidized housing. The sooner you take action, the sooner your name will come to the top.
How can you pull away? Move out.
It's also not like your mom is leaving the house to you anyway and from what you say about your siblings, they won't be generous with their "shares" once your mother is gone. You have no incentive to stay and every incentive to leave.
We all love our parents to some extent, no matter how bad they treat us. But there comes a time when you have to get out from under their control and power over you. If you work to become independent and show your mother and siblings you can take care of yourself, you will be able to have more power over your choices and your life. Her care isn't your responsibility and if your siblings hang that over your head when you say you're leaving, tell them you've done your part and now she's their problem.
I think you know what you need to do and have the strength and determination to do it. You just need that validation. It's a gradual process and a lot of guilt will be felt, but it will get easier. You have to live for you.
I can't move out like others suggest. It's too complicated. And honestly I could never live with myself because the guilt would be my death. My mother is not really a narcissist because she does think of other people a lot, including me. But she is the most sensitive person I've ever met. No love from her mom and her mom only thinking very highly of my moms brother, is what messed her up for life! Always trying to prove to people that she is important too and constantly seeking attention and approval. What she doesn't realize is that she did a similar thing to me. She is so smart but so incredibly oblivious to any human psychology 101, I've never met anyone like her. It's kind of like a split personality, standing on the tables and beating her chest like a gorilla one day, crying and feeling sorry for herself and playing the victim & unable to figure out a plan the next day. Always saying to me: " I could die tomorrow, I don't know how long I'm going to live, so you better do this or that"! It was emotional manipulation my entire life from as far backs as 15 years old she would say these words to me. So I was manipulated into doing what she wanted because I feared she might not be with me the next day. And she has been the healthiest person I've ever met in my life until she fell off her bike 4 years ago, and broke her ankle. The meds and Coumadin they put her on for a year completely messed up her system and intestinal tract and caused her to start having skin problems every day since. It's like I'm the mother and she is a 5 year old. Now for the record, I am the most caring and sympathetic person , but I am reaching the end of my rope! I have several auto immune diseases I'm trying to heal but I've gotten much worse because of my mothers maniputing ways with me. It's just such an upheal battle for me and I'm ready to give up. :-/ I take extremely good care of myself, I make all my own food from organic foods, I exercise 3-4 times a week, I take many supplements to help with my conditions, I don't drink alcohol or smoke or eat sugar. a good daughter. But enough is enough. And now, if she passes away in the next 6 months, I will be in trouble because I can't take care of myself financially.
There are options for people in your situation and condition. Talk with your county department on aging and disabilities. Wait lists are a likely immediate outcome but it's a start. Get yourself a caseworker to help you through the process and your options. Through the county - as long as you qualify- they are free and it's their job to find you workable solutions.
In the mean time, as long as nothing changes - nothing will change.
Just out of curiosity- why is your mother leaving her house to your sibling without including a share for you?
I understand your frustration, Sugarboo. Even if you consider that you are living in your mother's house for free (Are you? Do you chip in for utilities, food?) plus getting $300/month from her, it's probably nowhere near what 24/7 care would cost by anyone else or anywhere else. Right?
In your mother's mind, you ARE being compensated by the free rent and the $300/month. She probably thinks she owes you nothing more. (Of course, she is wrong!)
Just how much is the house worth? And is there a chance that she will have to move out at some point to a facility if she needs more help than you can provide? Surely you aren't going to be expected to take care of her no matter what? Does she have assets to pay for her own care in a facility?
I hate it when a caregiver sacrifices their own health for the elder. But the previous posters are correct; you CAN move out. If you don't, you are admitting that your mother is more important than you are.
PLEASE consider moving out. There are alternatives to living with her.
First, a ((((hug)))). Your life is a beautiful thing and worth preserving, but right now it's a living h*ll. Your Mom thinks she can manipulate you to sacrifice your health (your life) for her. She thinks she's "got you" but it doesn't have to be that way. You must disarm her by refusing to play her games. Walk away. But first, you need a plan. You've received good advice here. I don't know what state you live in, but most have programs and resources for people in need. Plan as if you'll never get another penny from your jailer again. Seek them out. Don't tell your mom or sibs what you're doing, at least not for the moment. If Mom finds out, she'll ramp up her abuse and try to sabotage your efforts to save yourself. Your sibs may or may not be part of the problem; but consider this: If they discover your plan to back away, this puts the burden on them and they may try (consciously or unconsciously) to set up roadblocks to your success. They'll all find out in good time. You'll have to walk out that door to implement your plans. Mom will make a scene, threaten, etc. Let her stew in her own juices. She'll need to get used to it. Empower yourself. No one else will.
pattiac, I love these words. They would make a great mission statement for many of us here on AgingCare.com!
I feel terrible reading your message. I know what it is like to be a caregiver to someone so mean and selfish. I would try to apply for Section 8 housing b/c of disability and if you do live in Massachusetts. You may not have to wait as long b/c of your health conditions and try to get on subsidized health insurance. Not to be indelicate but if the house upon her death will go to you and your siblings at least you will get something. Sometimes money is not worth the abuse. After you have, tell your siblings they can take care of her now. It is very easy for someone else to say, "well just leave". But without funds...you can't. So that's why I'm asking if you are on any disability, if not you need to be. That way you can get housing and money of your own and move out. Please do this asap. There are resources out there for you. Also, call your local Elder Services and talk to them about help. It works both ways, they also help care givers. Mention to your siblings about putting her in assisted living, your mother is not going to want to go but if she has no one to take care of her, she will not have a choice. These guilt trips are a manipulation tactic and it is working. You have exceeded FAR beyond what most caregivers would to. Please seek help for yourself, the sooner the better.
You can move out. Yes, you would have to qualify for section 8 housing. Possibly Medicare and SNAP program. But if you are serious about becoming healthier mentally so that you can also be healthier physically you can do it.
Others here have given you golden advice. Break the cycle and her power over you will be gone. Much much easier said than done. But do it, or you only have yourself to complain to.
Sorry to be so blunt but this is 911 time for you
Please read "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by McBride. In your description of you mother you are describing a narcissist and she is treating you like a scapegoat. Brother is acting like a Golden Child (or enabler). Sister might only be an enabler. I brought my mother to live with me 4 years ago and in the last year of dementia before moving her to memory care assisted living my mom had gone back to the emotional manipulation she used on me as a child until I left home for college at 18. I had no idea she was a narcissist until AgingCare.com posts described her to a tee. Please do a search on this web site for "dementia and narcissism" and read everything. It will open your eyes.
I agree with others that you should find a way out. Caregiving for someone like your mom is destroying your health (as it was doing to me). Please don't let her make you feel guilty by doing what is best for you. You have two siblings who can easily take over if push comes to shove. Please take some of the suggestions and call the places who will be able to help you move out. End her unreasonable rule over you. You deserve better for all you have done for her but she will NEVER see it or thank you for it. You are like an extension of her but not valued as an independent person only as her property. Hugs to you!
Once your mom "likes" them she might even prefer them to your help (a twist of the dementia journey). The many years of helping feels totally unappreciated but then could you do anything different even if you knew.......it seems you are doing what is "the right thing to do"
Bottom line is that you did the best you could. Your siblings diverted all the hard work to you but you can't change that. My father is 96 and actually might have to sell his house to pay for nursing care = you might read up on medicare rules. You have to offload something - regardless of her age it might be another 3 years....could you take it but aside from the work, you need to consider how to financially survive yourself.
This is absolutely spot on.
You need to take care of yourself. If you don't, no one else will. Believe in yourself. Believe in your ability to make the right choices for you. You have to put yourself first, there is no other way. You are entitled to a good life, whatever a good life means to you, go for it. Each of us has one body to use for our entire lifetime on this planet. Treat that body like gold.
I sense that you know deep down inside that you need to move out and move on with your life. That doesn't mean you have to stop caring for and about your mom. But as others have said, you have to set boundaries. At this point in time, perhaps the only way to set boundaries is to move out so you can get a fresh start.
You will have to find a way to support yourself at some point in time. Do it now. Don't wait until you have no other choice, that leads to a whole lot of stress and bad decisions.
Please dig deep inside, find yourself and pull her back out to the present. Love her, nurture her and do the right thing by her. Only you can make the necessary changes to your life. You can do it. It's in there. I can hear it in your words.
There are a lot of people on this forum alone that will support you whenever necessary. You are in my prayers. You can do the right thing for yourself. Just Do It!
I think all the advice I have seen here is very good. You need to get out. Remember, just because someone throws you a ball, doesn't mean to you have to catch it. When I was in therapy my therapist gave me a couple of things to deflect virtual balls thrown at me. Here are a couple. "I am sorry you feel that way". (note the period, no arguing or defending, just a statement). "You could be right, I'll have to think about it". Then walk away. "I did the best I knew how to at the time". Again, no arguing, no defending.
As Harpcat quoted from Dr. Phil. ...."we teach people how to treat us".
I don't know about what we used to call welfare. What is called today or how you get it, but there must be a way. You need to get out. And as
I am sorry that she has been enabled to blackmail you all these years. Get on the phone and get yourself some help, please.
I can't add anymore to the good advice above, but do feel that your own health and quality of life would great improve if you moved out. You will discover your own strengths and joy. You deserve this. It's scary but exciting. Best to you.
Lately she seems to think she should know best when to wake us in the morning. It doesn't matter if our door is locked. It doesn't matter if you have tried to explain to her that we don't like to be awoken.
But somehow there are issues that you can feel guilty about if you don't jump to her whim at the right time.
For the last 2 years she had given me the impression she could not make a peanut butter sandwich....found out thru home health physical therapy.. who just graduated her...that she can. She can do a lot of things that use to make me feel guilty if I didn't do them. Now I realize she can.
Today she was very upset because we told her she could do it....she could make a fried egg. (They told us to encourage her v to do as much as possible..and that she can make her own breakfasts ) Instead of being happy that we had confidence in her She just almost started cussing.
It was a hard stressful morning. I know my answer doesn't answer your question.
But I'm amazed how similar people can feel even if the circumstances are a bit different.
Feel for you.
Hope your day today is blessed with a ray of sunshine bursting thru the clouds.
It's obvious that you are suffering.
What's not so obvious is who is responsible for all this pain in your life. It's time to get tough and stop blaming everthing on others.
Others here have diagnosed your mom as narcissist. I say " so what". Even if it's true, how does that change your life?
And you, what are you?
Seems to me that you are blaming and very dependent on others to have life worth living.You feel trapped and have a long list of reasons why you can't be responsible for your own life. Your sick. Your tired. Mom is manipulative. Sibs don't do their share. Mom is not the only one with poor boundries.
The only one you have control over is yourself. And that is a good and very powerful gift. It means only you can decide to change.
If you don't like your life change it.
So what if mom won't leave the house to you. Pretend she died,what would you do other than kill yourself?
What is your reaL desire for your life.
Will you need help? Absolutely.
You need a guide to navigate the system. Call the county human services and ask for a mental health evaluation. They can help with many things.
They Can Only Help YOU. Do not go in expecting that you don't have ahard time ahead of you. But assume personal responibility for your life.
Do everthing they ask you to do. Change is hard, but the beginning is to stop the helplessness, and start changing your life. You deserve it.
No excuses.