Pushing Buttons or legit decline?

Question

Pushing Buttons or legit decline?

Follow

Share

I swear mom deliberately does or says things to aggravate me. Or does she? Mom is an expert in the victim role and she can adjust her “abilities “ according to who is present at the time. When the situation calls for her to be in the now, she’s on top of her game. My theory is that since she chooses to do nothing but literally sit in Her Chair 24/7 and watch tv, I feel she gets bored and wants attention so she will repeatedly do or say things that she knows irritates the hell out of me. And yes, she has mobility with her walker, and no, she has zero interest in doing anything besides existing in Her Chair watching tv. I have tried countless times to engage her in something different to no avail. She is only 72 , why doesn’t she embrace her mobility? I’m really starting to believe she simply has a nasty streak that she takes out on me. I don’t want to feel like this but it sure seems to be the case. When I try to talk to her about it, she goes into “no I don’t “ mode or into “ yes, everything is my fault” flying tizzy like a brat child. Or she says nothing and turns the tv back up. She does not ever “remember “ anything that may not be in her favor or preserve her righteousness. Does anyone else have behavior like this from their LO? How do you deal with it?

Family Caregiver Mom Relationships

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

13 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

She's 72. She is in a bad way for 72.

I well remember the feeling that mother was being intentionally annoying and self-destructive, but my mother was in her mid-late eighties and had congestive heart failure.

I don't know about the nasty streak. I expect she feels pretty terrible most of the time, and that does nothing for anybody's temper. The fact that she won't take any steps at all to improve her own quality of life doesn't mean that she isn't miserable.

But. Whatever, she's not letting you help. Did you say there are OTs and PTs involved, am I remembering that wrong?

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

There were therapists and nurses involved for limited visits when she first came home from skilled nursing facility. I think there were three visits from each. But she was discharged from them because she did so well in response to therapy- mom sure can work whatever angle she has to in order to get by. She has never done any of the exercises or activities outlined by the therapists outside of them being here with her during their appointments. It’s so so frustrating and completely messes with my head. Thank you for replying.

(1)

Report

I truly sympathise.

I'm sorry to go on and on and on about it, though, but she's *72*. It's just far too young, barring identifiable diseases or disabilities, for her to need this level of care and input, or to have sunk to such a level of inactivity. Age-related decline? At 72??? I mean you wouldn't expect any 100m world records or a new career with Victoria's Secret, but other than that - 72 nowadays is really just late middle age.

Who can you discuss her with - her as a patient, I mean?

What would happen if you didn't live there? - to her, to you.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Unfortunately, I am trapped for now as far as moving out. I put my career on hiatus to move in with her to care for her. I am actively looking for a job because I need to protect my future. Mom has made no provisions for me nor am I the beneficiary for anything- her brother and sister who live out of state are named in everything. So basically, as soon as she passes, I will be homeless. And I totally agree, 72 is way too soon to be acting like an invalid when she is far from one. She really pulled a doozy about a month ago- I was ill, very ill and decided to go to the er. We just finished dinner and she asked me if I was going to feed the cats and I said yes after I go to the bathroom. I came out not even five minutes later and our neighbor was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher and feeding the cats- mom had called her and told her I wouldn’t feed the animals could she come over and feed them! I couldn’t believe it! I went out front to wait for the ambulance because I couldn’t drive and when I got back home four hours later, the neighbor was still there doing dishes plus this other lady who had helped her out a few times years ago was there to because I refused to tell her what was going on and she was scared to be alone! Total lies! Yes, it is very frustrating indeed.

(0)

Report

That sure is frustrating. She could be messing with you, out of boredom! Who knows?? But, somehow, you've got to deal with it in a way that you don't get overly frustrated, etc. Don't give her that much control over your mood, etc.

My mom is 76. At 75, I always said, "She's an OLD 75" because, like yours, she will NOT do anything to better her situation. Both knees are bad, overweight, back pain, on and on and does NOTHING to help herself. I give lots of excellent (of course!) suggestions and assistance but she's just not interested. But, no lack of complaining about her maladies. "Oh, I don't want to have to start going to ANOTHER doctor for THAT!" Well, why the heck not? What else are you doing? Watching TV? And IF that doctor MIGHT be able to give you some relief of that problem, wouldn't that be a GOOD thing???

Good luck!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I so hate it when people tell me not to allow my mother to control my mood. Its such a simple response to such a complex problem. Mother trained me since childhood to jump when she said jump, and to ask how high. If children of these types of women were able to take everything they said and did with a grain of salt, we wouldn't be in the pickles we find ourselves in. I don't mean to belittle your response, just to explain the other side of the emotional nightmare these women create for their daughters. Oftentimes the only answer is to avoid them, if not completely, then for a lot of the time. To cut down contact. And even then, they're in our heads, where they've planted themselves on purpose, wreaking havoc with our peace of mind most of the time. Sad but true.

(2)

Report

I don't think its a decline. I think she is trying to manipulate you. I bet she has been this way all her life but its worse now she has nothing to occupy her time. Hopefully, you work.

My Dad loved to start trouble. He could intimidate. This effected my brother and me but not my sister and younger brother. They ignored him.

I think an exfriend I had would be like ur Mom if she was able to live with one of her boys. But her boys wised up long ago. To be able to live with Mom you either need to let what she says just run off ur back or confront her. At 72, I would confront her. Tell her you no longer will take her abuse. If you are in the position to do so, tell her you will move out because no one should have to take anyones abuse, especially not a daughter that is caring for her. So, if you are going to live together, there will be boundries. First, she needs to do for herself as much as possible. You will no longer take her verbal abuse. As soon as she starts you will leave the room. You will not be at her beck and call.

I hope you are able to have an area of the house just for you. Like ur bedroom and maybe an extra one for ur sitting room. I also hope you get out and don't feel u need to be there for Mom every waking hour.

Oh those relatives, tell them they are welcome to come care for Mom if they think they can do better. If they aren't willing to do that, then you don't need them telling you what to do. I would bring that up to Mom too. Stopping bitching about u to relatives and friends. If she is not happy with ur care, then hire someone and you will find another place to live. Call her bluff. I bet she will back off once she realizes she would be all alone. After u say this or anything along those lines, walk away. Let her think about what you said. Never engage her. Never show ur hurt or mad, just walk away. Give her the silent treatment.

The ball is in ur court. You need to set boundries.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Sounds like a really manipulative 72. Mother was about that age when they sold the house and moved in with brother. She was a mess, always. Dad had Parkinson's and required a LOT of help and I swear she was jealous. After he passed she didn't even have one picture of him in the apartment.

Mom has aged un-graciously and with as much noise as possible. Problem is, when you complain about EVERYTHING, you get the attention and nobody wants to deal with you. She's had 2 unnecessary back surgeries and both knees replaced and one hip. She is currently searching for a doc to do the other hip. Once she says she 90, they send her packing.

I don't know how she wore out so fast, she didn't DO anything. I have no memories of her cleaning or gardening---or exercising.

I agree with JoAnn, this isn't decline, it's choice. Mom can do what she wants to do, but cannot do anything that she doesn't need/want to do.

5 living sibs--she lives with younger brother. The rest of us are as hands off as we can be. I only recently gave up completely trying to have a healthy relationship with her.

I was very recently dxed with cancer and am facing that in my life. When I told her, as I felt I should, he reaction was "Oh, well, daddy will be so glad to see you". (My daddy has been gone for almost 15 years).

That was the end. Who SAYS things like that??

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

What an awful thing for a mother to say to her child! Or anyone, for that matter. There's no healing that kind of a person.

She wore out so fast BECAUSE she didn't do anything. No biggie to her, since she expected others to "fix" her with the surgeries.

(4)

Report

See 1 more reply

Sounds like she has this manipulation thing down pat. She is only 72, so unless you get this under control, you will have a long unhappy life ahead of you.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

As I read your question PharSytid, I am thinking how grateful I am to do what I do while several years beyond your mother’s chronological age.

Besides taking care of several young grandchildren, I have taken several wonderful college level music classes during the last several years, lost 85 pounds, performed as a bit player in 4 college musicals, had surgery for a life long crossed eye, and MOST recently began learning on a very intense and serious level to play the tuba, a life long dream.

I have established several serious musical goals, the most important to me at present to play as part of the college wind ensemble. If I’m not equal to the job this fall I’ll work hard to do it in the spring.

It’s my choice to do what I do. Many women of my era were expected to marry, raise children, and vegetate. That just wasn’t for me. I believe it IS a choice to sit and be disagreeable. I can be plenty disagreeable too, but not for the fun of it.
I’d want my life companions to give me a good swift kick if I was choosing to behave like your mom.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

AnnReid- by chance, are you in the market looking to adopt an almost 50 yo only child? If so, pm me ASAP! <hugs>
your family is very fortunate to have such an awesome matriarch! You will be the example that will motivate and influence for generations. And have the best stories to share! Bravo to you!!!

(2)

Report

Sounds to me like it's a decline of choice, combined with manipulation, showtiming and button pushing. My mother purposely disagrees with EVERYTHING I say, even if she winds up contradicting herself in the process! She has a nasty streak a mile wide and nobody gets to see it but me, her only child. To everybody else, shes soooo sweet and lovely, then stabs them in the back the moment they turn around! Like Midkid, when her husband of 68 yrs died, she immediately bagged up all of his clothing and personal items, pretending she had a bag of HER stuff to donate. I found all of my dad's stuff at the bottom and took it home. She has no photos of him in her room and never speaks of him. It's like he's never existed. That is spiteful stuff to piss ME off because she feels like I loved him more than I do her. These women have memories of convenience as well, and love to make US feel crazy if we bring something up they conveniently "don't remember". It's also known as gaslighting or confabulation, if you look up classic narcissist behavior online. There may be a photo of your mother next to the Wikipedia definition, snort. While neither of them are necessarily full blown narcissists, they have just enough narc traits to make them insufferable human beings. What's the answer? For me it's limited contact because she does not ( and will not EVAH live in my home). For you I think it will need to be setting down some ground rules about what you will and will not tolerate from her. Leaving the room when the snarkiness amps up, forcing her to do more for herself (she's certainly young enough, for petesake), doing more for yourself and getting out of the house on a regular basis. In other words, doing whatever YOU have to do to preserve your sanity. And perhaps it's time to look into alternate living arrangements....its something to consider.
Best of luck

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

lealonnie- thank you soooo much!

(1)

Report

I turn 72 in three weeks’ time, and I am shocked to read your post. How does your mother get away with this? Why do you put up with it?

My suggestion may have a down side for you, but getting a library subscription going now might help. Then get rid of the TV. Life can be sustained without TV. Move it out, or disable it. If your mother wants it fixed, or a new one, refuse until you have sorted out a few ground rules. The first one is a care agreement, with back pay, that compensates you for what you are doing. The second is a discussion about why her siblings inherit everything. If mother throws you out, it’s harsh but perhaps not such a bad move. This situation is ridiculous!

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Hi Margaret- yes, it is ridiculous. Beyond ridiculous. I appreciate your reply because yours and others like yours and hearing from others in similar situations are helping me to muster up the confidence and kahunas to do what’s best for me. I thought I was crazy for thinking my mother would pull the crap she does- I’m finding out that I’m not crazy and i am not alone and that is something I need so much is someone on my team for a change. Thanks to this forum, I have an army supporting me which is going to save my sanity and self. Thank you everyone.

(0)

Report

PharSytid, it would make me incredibly happy to hear that you have thrown everything into reverse: returned to the career you gave up, and moved back to where you were happily living before when, for some reason, you chucked it all in to come and take care of a mother who, to say the least, you have a less than ideal relationship with.

But there are so many gaps that I just don't think it's possible for outsiders to form any kind of useful idea of what's going on.

Here are the conditions you mention on your profile: "age-related decline, anxiety, depression, diabetes, mobility problems, sleep disorder, and urinary tract infection"

None of these explains why a woman of 72 has apparently lost all motivation to lead a normal life.

Then you drop into one comment that "years ago" your mother was in a coma for seven weeks. She what?!

I'm very sorry that you experienced a sexual assault, and that your mother has always refused to acknowledge how wrong that was and how distressing for you. But what the heck?

Your mother has a close relationship with her brother and her sister, to the extent that they are her heirs and you - her only child - are excluded from her estate. Nevertheless, it's you who surrenders your life and moves to be with her.

I don't understand what is going on, except that clearly there are Big Deal things wrong with your mother and wrong with your relationship with her. I'm not going to barge in again because to me this looks like a minefield. Only - please get out of it!

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Hi Countrymouse- I don’t want to pull you into my messy mess, but I would like to offer further information about a few things:
in 2003, Mom went in for reversal surgery for a temporary colostomy. Five days after the surgery, her small intestine perforated, she aspirated , coded twice and slipped into a coma. It was ungodly and horrific. Seven weeks into the coma with no improvement, all nine of her doctors and nurses met with me, and moms brother and sister to discuss her situation. ( I had medical poa at the time). They told us she would never get better and that there was no brain activity and it would be best to take her off life support. I understood that they did all they could but my gut said not to sign those papers yet and four days later, she simply just woke up. Devine intervention indeed. Three of her specialists were off the day she woke up but all three came in to see her because they couldn’t believe it. She spent the next three months in rehab learning to talk, walk etc. and she also ended up with a permanent colostomy. She suffered some neurological impairment but amazingly went back to 80% normal just a little slower in some areas. I’ve always tried to encourage her to share her story it’s an incredible testimony, sadly, she has no interest in doing that. After she came home, her “pouch” became her excuse for everything and for not doing anything except sit in Her Chair. She didn’t return to work and went on disability. She was almost completely independent- she could walk, drive, bathe etc but she claimed she couldn’t and I unknowingly catered to her for ten years. She even beat breast cancer in 2011- she is a living miracle and should be embracing life if anyone should be. But she has not and will not. She sits and tots away in Her Chair. She doesn’t have Dementia or Alzheimer’s she just has nasty means and lazy.

(0)

Report

How long ago did you move back in with her?

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

April 2018. I was her sole caregiver from 2004-2013. Our arrangement was that I was available 24/7 in exchange she paid my rent and utilities and car insurance which all totaled about $650/month. Anybody who knows a darn thing about in home care realizes that was a bargain; home care charges more and the don’t clean litter boxes and do pedicures. It was working well for both of us- so I thought, apparently mom was telling her brother and sister something very different and one day in October 2013 they showed up out of the blue I ended up losing my vehicle and my home everything I owned since I was a kid I lost her brother went and reversed all of my utility and rent payments said that it was fraudulently done and the car with my both our names are on it and they took hers off of it and I lost everything and she let it happen I had no idea they were going to show up she apparently knew they were nobody said a damn thing to me on top of that her brother and sister and physically attacked me over here in the garage at moms house because they thought I had her car key and wouldn’t give it back the police came I was the only one bleeding and it was quite the white trash scene they didn’t go to jail because the cop said either we all go to jail or none of us go to jail I didn’t hit them back all I did was block try to prevent from being hit her brother hit me so hard it shattered my molars he came down on top of my head with his closed fist and it cracked all of my molars and I’ve got dental problems from that and then after that episode she would not speak to me for five years she wouldn’t answer her phone when I called if I would come by she told me to leave or she was going to call the police I had a really strong feeling that the people that were here taking care of her were not doing it properly and so I showed up last year and refused to leave and they moved out and I was right they weren’t taking care of her properly why I should still care I don’t know but I do . or I did because my give a damn is very broken at this point and I’m trying but I can’t seem to fix it and I feel bad she’s not neurologically deficit she’s very on top of her game when she wants to be had a little bit of neurological damage from the coma but nothing catastrophic believe me she knows what time it is .

(0)

Report

You say that your mother has significant neurological deficits. What does her neurologist say about her behavior? Has she lost a certain amount of cognitive functioning, ability to initiate, make good decisions?

Mind you, I'm not saying that you should be trapped in this caregiving nightmare; your description of what your mom did when you needed to go to the hospital reminded me SO much of the kinds of mis-understandings that I've had with LO's with dementia. Their broken brains form an "impression" of what is happening and that becomes their reality.

We, who have told them the facts, are astounded, insulted and in an outrage over their "lies". To them, it is reality.

Your mother needs a different kind of care than she can get at home. Please get her a neruopsych workup that highlights what is working and what is not so that you can get what's best for her and for you.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Has she been evaluated for depression? It’s the first thing I thought of when you said she just wants to sit around all day doing nothing.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Pushing Buttons or legit decline?

13 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions