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Can I put my wife in a nursing home against her will? I am her only caretaker and I do not do a very good job of it. I am resentful after 4 years of being the only one. Her son comes to get money, grandsons maybe call once in a while. No visitors come, everyone is afraid they may have to help with something. I am exhausted. Had PT and nurse and bather for about 4 weeks but insurance run out on them. Now have a homemaker 2 hours a day 5 days a week. She lays in her diaper all day with no changes. She is unable to even sit up on her own let alone get up to use commode. lays there 24 7 flat on her back, even to eat and drink which makes quite a mess, has no desire to sit up. Dementia is setting in, tried to eat with the phone as a fork, forgets how to even use the phone, She watches cars go by the house all day long but has to ask me if there is a road in front of the house and what the cross street is and about the stop light. There is no cross street and no stop light. Many things like that happening daily. Trying to get her on medicaid, i think they pay for nursing homes, hope so cause i can't. Do I need to get POA and a living will now or what? she is 72 im 62, i can't lift her anymore, tore ligimates in shoulder doing that, even to sit her up i can't hold her up, she leans backwards, refuses to lean forward to sit up. Therapy gave up on her said they can do nothing, her legs are constricted with muscles drawing up. bad knees, leukemia (lgl)type, arthritis and buldging discs in spine, fibromyalgia, diabetic, on coumadin for which i have no way to monitor at this time, dr working on that, needs to be done weekly. So she is totally imobile as far as walking, cant even stand up. Depression has really set in on me and I don't know what to do. Anyone suggestions please. on AgingCare.com:

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Jackie: I have a couple of questions. How long have you and your wife been married and does she have assets of her own or all assets in both of your names? When her son comes by to get money, does she give it to him? Do you work and is she alone during the days with just the homemaker coming in 2 hours a day?

The circumstances you both face sound tragic and daunting. One suggestion would be that the doctor order a hospital bed for her. Medicare will pay for that and the bed can be elevated to a sitting position. The doctor should also require the best mattress to help eliminate pressure sores.

With the care your wife gets, it's certainly possible that she has a urinary track infection due to hygiene issues. She may also be dehydrated. Her confusion could be a result of that and not dementia. Does her doctor truly understand the conditions she lives under?

I can understand that your are exhausted and depressed, but you need some professional guidance in how to get your wife better care. If you haven't done so, you need to have a serious heart to heart talk with her doctor and you should talk to your Area on Aging office to see what can be done to bring in additional help. Depending on your income, sometimes this can be done for pennies on the dollar.
With all her medical issues, would she qualify for Hospice care? Yes, Medicaid does pay for nursing home placement.

Another question is would your wife agree to give you POA and is she of sound mind to do so.
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Yes I still work for another 2 years probably, been married 30 years, we both own everything together except one vehicle and it is in my name, is handicap accessible van i bought to get her to dr, She does give her son money for mortgage and food, he has been out of work a couple years, her social sec money. she is alone yes except homemaker lady, has the emergency call button but takes about 10 minutes for them to get there. She does have a hospital bed, but has trouble using the controls. sometimes i think she fold herself up in it. She does raise the head sometimes but slides right down to laying flat again. Dr was aware of her confusion way before she was bedridden, but is getting substantially worse now. POA would depend on the day and if she knew what exactly I was talking about to her. She never has understood having seperate checking accounts but had to stop the handouts to her son from my bill money. If she is dehydrated is because she pees so much, omg, such a mess. I even thought about a permanent catheter but idk if she go for that either. I do know she will fight nursing home till her last breath, but , i have to have a life besides caring for her too and the way it is, i work and take care of her, that is the extent of my life. Thanks for your reply.
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Cattails, My reply to you was above, lol , i forgot to put your name at beginning. duh lol
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Based on your need to work and her physical and mental condition, would her doctor be willing to back up putting her in a nursing home? I don't have an answer to your ability to put her in a NH against her will. Obviously, it can be done under certain circumstances. Has she been to a NH....was that were the nurse, PT and bather were or was that in your home?
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Cattails, yes she was in nursing home a couple times this past year for about a month at a time for physical therapy, made no progress and insurance quit paying and they kick her out. We had home nurse, therapy and bather for about 4 weeks and then they quit coming too, insurance dictates what service you get. Physical therapy stayed longest but they finally said they couldnt do anymore with her. Yes dr. would back it up im sure, he has suggested it to her before. so idk what im gonna do but she has appointment on 23 march, see what he says at that point. She just laying there deteriorating as days go by, and no sign that she will ever be better at this point. Such hard decisions to make and her family im sure will think i was wrong regardless of what i do. Maybe her son would like to take charge, lmao, that is my joke for the day. thanks al
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Have you determined if she will qualify for medicaid? You could talk to the social worker at the NH to learn more about that. Have you spoken with your Area on Aging office. They might also be able to help you with the medicaid process. Are some of her medical issues due to autoimmune problems. Just wondering as that sometimes happens with LGL leukemia. I would think she has pain issues that need managing.
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Jackienickname, my heart goes out to you. It is so difficult to see the person you love best in all the world suffer. And it is so exhausting to be the only caregiver and wage earner for year after year. The situation is heartbreaking.

I have been my husband's caregiver for almost 9 years now. He is not bedbound and is more physically functional than your wife, so I am lucky that way. He has dementia, however. He too does not want to ever be in a nursing home, but we have discussed it several times in his most coherent times and I have promised him I will always see that he has the best care he can have, and I've also said the time may come when I can't give him the best care at home. That will be very sad, but the disease itself is very sad. We all have to do the best we can.

It doesn't sound like your wife is on Medicaid yet. Applying for that is a time-consuming process, especially fr married people, so I suggest you start that process as soon as possible.

Best wishes to you in this very difficult situation.
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I would cut the son off and use that money to get her more home care (or maybe he could earn that money by helping her out)--but sounds like it'd be better to just go with a company where they will do more than just the basic stuff but also listen to her, talk with her and engage her with mental activities (one with a focus on enriching her life) because it sounds like maybe she's depressed and has given up. Maybe talking to the Dr. would help and he could give her something for the depression and she would improve. I also agree with the dehydration comment above, a recent study did find women's moods are affected by dehydration and she probably doesn't want to drink because she can't get up to use the restroom.
Another thought: Do you have an affiliation with any religious organization you both could draw some support from? Sometimes they have volunteers who will make visits. Maybe just getting her some socialization would help her boost her spirits to want her to do more than just lay there. Good luck to you and your wife, I hope she gets what she needs and you need.
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Have you called hospice? They can come in and evaluate if she is appropriate for their services...medicare pays for hospice. Hospice can help with lots of things...they usually have a medicaid guru to guide you..social workers to calm you and nurses that will come weekly or more often to monitor your wife's health...it wouldn't hurt to call them at least for the evaluation...let them decide if she is appropriate. You need help in all areas, especially your emotional health and getting enough sleep and rest for yourself. So...call hospice today and get some info...you may be surprised to find that hospice is not just for the very end...it is for up to 12 months of the end of life...if the person seems to be doing better and no longer needs the hospice, they will be discharged and then be eligible to have their services later on. I had my mom, 88 with dementia, on hospice for the last 6 months and just this week she was discharged due to "patient improvement". Please call them for information - it could be a Godsend for you.
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Yes you can put her in a nursing home because you can have her taken by ambulance. Also, the other suggestions about hospice and medicare are very good. Having a doctor state that she is no longer to be cared for at home or something that would help to facilitate you placing her in a nursing home is very important. You can also call in state help as well.
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You can also file with the courts to be her Guardianand ask thatthey appoint you POA. You will have to hope that the son will not fight that though. I would stop giving the son hand outs. If he cares for his mother at all he would agree that it is in her best interest to use the money for her care.If not perhaps he can move in with you, since he is not working it appears he has the time to devote to help out and thus he would not have a mortgage to pay.....
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I don't know if you can put her in a nursing home, but it sure sounds like you need to. A friend had a mother in law with a similar situation. What she had to do was call 911 and get her to the hospital. Once she was in the hospital she was told she couldn't go back to their house because the were unwilling to take her and give her the care she needed, she had to go to a nursing home. Because she was in the hospital and then moved to the nursing home, Medicaid took care of some of the costs, but eventually she went through most of her money.
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Oh my, you do need help. This is too much for one person, especially at home. You've received great advice. My heart goes out to you. You are a wonderful loving husband. There are some great nursing homes. Can your doctor connect you with a social worker? The social worker can handle these issues & give advice. Take care & good luck. Let us know how it goes.
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Hi, it sounds like you have been doing a job by yourself & it is time you have others to help you. I think I would start with the Doctor. Be honest & let him know the difficulty you are having caring for your wife by yourself. He may not realize what you are going through. And you may not have able to communicate that effectively with all that is going on. I would also suggest talking with an elder care law attorney about your property & joint assets & the legal side of this. Having written all this down now, you probably have a better handle on things then having them spin around in your head while coping with everyday life. It can be overwhelming at times added to all the emotions that go with it. Bottom line is your wife & you need help and that is what the professional community can do for you. In all honesty, I don't think most people go to a nursing home willingly. But sometimes it is needed. Know that in 30 years in marriage, you have built the trust to help provide that care if you can not physically do anymore. That is an honorable thing to do & will give both of you a chance to stop trying to survive & help both of you relax more & enjoy her last precious years.
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yes you can put herin a nursing home it almost sounds like what I went through with mymother i was so burnt out she was at the last stageso alz dementia i lost her a year ago . i very carfully reserched all the nursing homesi didnt trust any body with my mom because of my nephew who neglected her i found execllent home forher i had taken care of my mom for about a year she passedaway at 91. imiss her very much at the end all she did was slept and didnt want to dress anymore shower i had to get friends tohelp me out her social worker was too slow getting my mother help i did every thing myself. i have aq newphew who didnt care aqbout mymom i resent himn for whathe did to her i beleave the social worker all he did was take her money never brought food for her she was very frail i have reason to beleave she was abused. i took her out of that situation.. she will get the best care if you put her in nursing home talk to her Doctor. take care of yourself. God Bless You
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call social services get her on medicaid or department ofaging could alsohelp you . mymom wasonmedicaid global options long term care.
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There is a new law here in Kentucky, and I'm told it's everywhere now, that before you put your loved one in a nursing home, it requires a three day hospital stay IF you are going to be applying for Medicaid eventually for long term care. Medicare will then cover the hospital and the first 120 days in the nursing home. When they are in the hospital, they evaluate whether your loved one would benefit from either physical therapy, speech therapy, or occupational therapy. (and it sounds like your wife would). Then they will admit her to the nursing home for therapy. My attorney told me that if your loved one's scope of care is more than you can manage physically or mentally, you absolutely can put them in against their will. I'm sorry you are going through this. Our situations are all different, but share that common thread of periodically being frustrated and overwhelmed. Good luck. p.s. I'm just posting what I believe to be true, if I am incorrect about something, tell me, and I will appreciate it. However, I am not posting to start a debate about my thoughts. Thanks.
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I had a friend who's mother was fairly young (58) and was too much for my friend to handle at home. She became withdrawn, wouldn't talk, was depressed, went to the bathroom in the hallway or in her bed, wouldn't get dressed or bathe, etc. Finally the local Crisis center got involved & now she is receiving care at the local mental health facility. There is alot of paperwork involved & it took several incidents before this happened though. Good luck! Try calling the crisis center to get some direction and options.

Buddy
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Thank you all so very much for the information, ideas and support. I think you all truly realize I am at the end of my rope and can't keep on the way things are. Social workers did come in about 2 months ago that is how the housekeeper got to us. That is the last I heard from them. I will call them today to see where things stand, they were supposed to be working on the medicaid portion of things, send a councelor for me, get meals on wheels for her lunch, and various other things. I don't think they have done anything, or at least not that i have seen. She has been in nursing home twice for therapy but she doesnt progress and insurance quits paying so nursing home kicks her out, even home therapy gave up on her. POA was also supposed to be arranged by the social workers, heard nothing on that either. As far as I know at this moment handouts for her son have stopped, at least he has not come around, has finally found a job. Most of her money is gone and she has no access to the household account. Is my name only, i had it changed so it would not be gone too. A nursing home in my opinion too is the best place for her, at least they can keep her clean and give her meds on time. I have to do it now, one pill at a time, her hands dont work good enough and maybe pill will get to her mouth or maybe not. Before i started giving them to her, i would find most of them in the bedding as she dropped them so didnt know what she was actually taking. But working, I can't give them to her on schedule thru the day. I do leave her pain pills on her tray and sometimes she gets them and sometimes drops them on the floor. I hate to admit it but i just sat in the driveway when i was leaving this morning and cried like a baby, the mental stress is just to great. Thank you all, it is sincerely appreciated, and good luck to all of you in the similar situations. God Bless
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Can I ask why they didn't keep her for long term care after she was done with rehab? (especially if they admitted that the therapy didn't work). Did you meet with a social worker in the nursing home and explain your situation?
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Noonie, when therapy said they couldnt help, i had maybe a week left on what insruance would pay, or what medicare would take care of, not enough time to get the medicaid thru, and on that last day, they had her packed and in a wheel chair when I walked in. like they were trying to get her out fast as possible, heaven forbid they keep her an extra hour. Social workers came to the house about 2 weeks after I took her home, filled out a dozen forms, they saw what I was up against and said they would take care of medicaid, and various other things. So far all i have is the homemaker for two hours a day, which I was relying on to give mid day pills but that hasnt panned out, she never comes on the time requested and needed, mid day for meal and pills. So till medicaid comes thru, I am kinda in a period of limbo. I can't even get anyone to come in to take her protiime for coumadin, should be done weekly. Dr working on getting me a meter and training on how to use it. So till medicaid kicks in and she goes to hospital for 3 days (requirement apparently for medicaid) that is where I am right now.
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I hope Medicaid kicks in quickly for you. I know from experience that you have to make calls and really stay on top of it, or it won't get done in a timely fashion. I have had people actually say to me "Well it's been here on my desk for two weeks, but I needed (fill in the blank) before I could process it." Meantime, they hadn't even made the effort to call me and ask me a simple question, therefore holding the whole process up. I've not applied for medicaid yet for my mother, but experienced this with her medical benefits. I hate that they let your mother out of the nursing home in the first place, seeing as therapy hadn't made any improvements for her. I'm thinking of you and hoping for resolution and help with your problem. Contrary to what some people think, there is no shame in knowing your limitations and making alternate arrangements for your loved one.
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I'm sorry, I meant your wife..:)
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If you are concerned about money and medicaid, there is a government program called: prevention of spousal impoverishment. The program is for couples in your situation where you are living in the community but your wife may need to be in a nursing home. If you qualify, your wife can be placed on medicaid to cover the cost of the nursing home and you are allowed to keep a certain amount of assets and monthly income. If you make more than the maximum allowed (about $2,700/month), then you will have to pay the difference to the nursing home. The nursing home should be able to walk you through it.
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Jackie: How are things going with getting your wife placed? I hope you are making progress. Give us an update when you can. Hugs, Cattails
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How my heart goes out to you! I'm taking care of my Dad who isn't in quite such bad condition as your wife, but I know it is already extremely difficult physically & emotionally. It sounds to me like you would be acting in her best interest to find a good place for her since you can't care for her like you would like to. I'm surprised you aren't able to get more home health care through Medicare. Have you checked into all the options in that arena? I just want to encourage you to do what you must without being eaten with guilt! I hope you are depending on the Lord to guide and direct and strengthen you both in this hard time! Rose Shepherd, Crown Point, IN
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My mother has dementia, just fractured her ankle and is incredibly hostile to my father, who is taking care of her. She refuses to let him hire any help. He is about at wits' end with the constant mental beatings he takes on a daily basis. They are both 80 years of age, he is physically healthy, and they have been married over 50 years. What can he do legally? Can he have her placed in a facility without her permission?
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SkyView, I don't have any answers for you, but I suggest you start a new thread with your question. This one is pretty dated and your question may not get the notice it deserves. Wishing you and your parents all my best and some good answers for you!
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My husband has just had heart surgery the doctors suggestion that he can't stay alone. What do I do.
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In her condition you can have her sent to the hospital to be checked with with the Drs backing and from there, depending on the outcome, she can be forced into a Nursing home for evaluation. However, as you've already found out, keeping her there is the challenge. Unless you have special Long Term Coverage Insurance will NOT cover long term nursing home care. Only Medicaid will do that. JeanneGibbs is right. You need to start the proceedings to get her approved for Medicaid right away. It could take some time. Monies are divided by them...so much can be kept by the spouse but her part has to be spent down on her care until she has nothing left. There's also a look back period of 5 years, so the money she's been giving to her son out of her SS is going to directly impact when she'll be available for Medicare to start paying. I'd stop that money going out right away if you ever want help from Medicaid.

I like Mommag's idea about Hospice, if they will help, but they aren't a permanent solution either, unless she should die while they are caring for her. Give them a call and get an evaluation from them, but also start the process of qualifying her for Medicaid at the same time so you know what you need to do and can start doing it.

My heart goes out to you...you're indeed in a difficult position. You need to try to get through to her that giving money to her son is going to prevent her getting the care she needs in the future and she's going to have an even more miserable time of it then she is having now. Good Luck and God Bless...
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