Can I put my wife in a nursing home against her will? I am her only caretaker and I do not do a very good job of it. I am resentful after 4 years of being the only one. Her son comes to get money, grandsons maybe call once in a while. No visitors come, everyone is afraid they may have to help with something. I am exhausted. Had PT and nurse and bather for about 4 weeks but insurance run out on them. Now have a homemaker 2 hours a day 5 days a week. She lays in her diaper all day with no changes. She is unable to even sit up on her own let alone get up to use commode. lays there 24 7 flat on her back, even to eat and drink which makes quite a mess, has no desire to sit up. Dementia is setting in, tried to eat with the phone as a fork, forgets how to even use the phone, She watches cars go by the house all day long but has to ask me if there is a road in front of the house and what the cross street is and about the stop light. There is no cross street and no stop light. Many things like that happening daily. Trying to get her on medicaid, i think they pay for nursing homes, hope so cause i can't. Do I need to get POA and a living will now or what? she is 72 im 62, i can't lift her anymore, tore ligimates in shoulder doing that, even to sit her up i can't hold her up, she leans backwards, refuses to lean forward to sit up. Therapy gave up on her said they can do nothing, her legs are constricted with muscles drawing up. bad knees, leukemia (lgl)type, arthritis and buldging discs in spine, fibromyalgia, diabetic, on coumadin for which i have no way to monitor at this time, dr working on that, needs to be done weekly. So she is totally imobile as far as walking, cant even stand up. Depression has really set in on me and I don't know what to do. Anyone suggestions please. on AgingCare.com:
1) Select a good nursing home and get your husband in it. Try to find one with memory care also, in case his behaviors escalate and he needs that.
2) Arrange to visit husband once a day, or whatever is practical given its location and his level of dementia.
3) If necessary, apply for Medicaid.
4) Get counseling for yourself. You are experiencing a great trauma and you need/deserve therapy to help you heal.
It is expected that people who develop dementia will eventually need a care center. People with dementia who can stay in their homes are the exception. Please don't feel guilty that you can't beat the odds and care for this progressive disease at home indefinitely.
I sure wish the poster would come back and update us then. Since this was 3.5 years ago, I sure do wonder what happened with this husband's wife and his situation.
I like Mommag's idea about Hospice, if they will help, but they aren't a permanent solution either, unless she should die while they are caring for her. Give them a call and get an evaluation from them, but also start the process of qualifying her for Medicaid at the same time so you know what you need to do and can start doing it.
My heart goes out to you...you're indeed in a difficult position. You need to try to get through to her that giving money to her son is going to prevent her getting the care she needs in the future and she's going to have an even more miserable time of it then she is having now. Good Luck and God Bless...
Buddy
Another thought: Do you have an affiliation with any religious organization you both could draw some support from? Sometimes they have volunteers who will make visits. Maybe just getting her some socialization would help her boost her spirits to want her to do more than just lay there. Good luck to you and your wife, I hope she gets what she needs and you need.
I have been my husband's caregiver for almost 9 years now. He is not bedbound and is more physically functional than your wife, so I am lucky that way. He has dementia, however. He too does not want to ever be in a nursing home, but we have discussed it several times in his most coherent times and I have promised him I will always see that he has the best care he can have, and I've also said the time may come when I can't give him the best care at home. That will be very sad, but the disease itself is very sad. We all have to do the best we can.
It doesn't sound like your wife is on Medicaid yet. Applying for that is a time-consuming process, especially fr married people, so I suggest you start that process as soon as possible.
Best wishes to you in this very difficult situation.