How did you come to the decision to leave your spouse and your family and move in with a needy parent?
I can’t come to the decision to take the leap. So my sister and I jump around and try to create supportive plans to check on my mom frequently, using medical alert, frequent phone calls, and cameras are next on my list. None of these things provide 100% security.
Long ago my mother made it clear that she didn’t want to live with us, she wanted to live alone. But at 95, she is needing so much help and support.
But leaving family and moving in full-time just doesn’t compute into my head.
I just want to know how some of you made the decision and how it worked out with your families and spouses.
in with her. And I agree with alva and Joann—if she is not cooperative, you will have to wait for an emergency to happen & use it as your avenue to move her to assisted living or long term care.
If you moved into mom’s home, how long will it be before you resent being at your mom’s house?
How long will it take before your husband resents your decision to move into your mother’s home? Would he go with you?
Would you want someone caring for you knowing that they are resentful?
I couldn’t ask my children to care for me. I don’t want to burden them. I would rather others care for me.
If your heart isn’t in it, you can’t do it. It’s hard enough for people who want to care for their parents full time.
My mom lived with us because she wasn’t able to live alone.
Mom absolutely hated being a burden on us, but was fearful of living in a facility too.
It’s hard on them and hard on us, tough all around.
Would I do it again? Mom lost her home in Hurricane Katrina. She did not have money to last in assisted living and I could not have even looked at nursing homes in the midst of the aftermath of a major catastrophic storm!
So she would have at least have had to be with me temporarily. I would not be a full time caregiver for as long as I did (15 years) if I could do it over.
Daughter1930’s father was a wise man! In our case it absolutely changed the dynamics of our relationship.
I am not telling you what to do. That is your decision. You asked for our stories and I shared mine with you.
I wish you all the best and truly hope you find what is best for you.
Your mom is going to need more help than you and your sister can give her remotely. Sounds like she needs some assistance. Could hire a part-time caregiver to do a few things for/with her. When that is not enough, she will at some point need more in home care or will need to go to a nursing home. Of course she wants to live alone and stay in her home. No one wants to live in a nursing home. Yuck. BUT at some point it often becomes a NECESSITY, whether anyone like the idea or not. Safety is the priority.
My mom has lived with me for 5 years and it's put a HUGE strain on our relationship. If I could go back in time, I NEVER would have done it and will NEVER do it to my children.
Like Alva says you may have to wait until something happens. She winds up in the Hospital, the rehab. Then u have her evaluated. If 24/7 care is recommended then the choice is made for her, an AL or LTC.
One single fall is often the "game changer". Also, living by herself, she is easy pickings for any home invader. Someone wanting meth money will not hesitate to injure or kill an elderly person for a few bucks. That is the world we are living in.
thank you for your great advice and sharing.