Question for full-time live-in caregivers- how do you commit?

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Question for full-time live-in caregivers- how do you commit?

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How did you come to the decision to leave your spouse and your family and move in with a needy parent?

I can’t come to the decision to take the leap. So my sister and I jump around and try to create supportive plans to check on my mom frequently, using medical alert, frequent phone calls, and cameras are next on my list. None of these things provide 100% security.

Long ago my mother made it clear that she didn’t want to live with us, she wanted to live alone. But at 95, she is needing so much help and support.

But leaving family and moving in full-time just doesn’t compute into my head.

I just want to know how some of you made the decision and how it worked out with your families and spouses.

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My father had a firm rule of his own making, that no adult child could live with him and he would not live with any of us. He said he’d seen it ruin too many relationships. I remain thankful for his wisdom. You don’t have to read here on AC forum long to know the moving in has been a huge mistake for so many. It alters most all relationships for the worse. I hope you explore other alternatives

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Thanks so much.

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I was a nurse. I knew all my life I could never be a 24/7 caregiver. There is a world of difference in caring for elders for 8 hours, and taking great joy in that job, and in trying to do it 24/7. That is aside from the fact your would be leaving your family.
The time may be here that Mom needs to be placed in care. If she is competent still in her own decisions, however, you cannot make that decision for her. It will be made when the inevitable happens, an accident, a fracture, something which WILL come. If Mom has some dementia it is already dangerous for her to be on her own, and if there is no POA in place, guardianship will be needed for placement.
I am so sorry. The truth is that your Mom is 95. Today it is not unusual for some elders to make it to 100, and we have a person on Forum who has a relative living at 107. Will you give up the family who needs you? I hope not. I am so sorry for how tough this decision is. I am thankful you have a sister and the two of you are so supportive of Mom and of one another. I wouldn't continue to see "moving in with Mom" as an option, and wonder what your own family currently says about that idea?

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Thanks a lot. Yeah, it's a mess, but I really appreciate your support. My own family wants me happy, however that plays out, with my mom here, there, wherever...I'm stuck cuz I can't swallow moving in with her, and she resists moving in with any of us. Her house, her privacy, her cat... I get it.
Thanks again.

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Mom needs to make the decision to go to an AL if she can afford it. Its now what she needs not what she wants. She needs to see how her needs are effecting you and your sister. I understand wanting to stay in her home but it no longer is possible. She needs 24/7 care and you should not have to give up your family to do it.

Like Alva says you may have to wait until something happens. She winds up in the Hospital, the rehab. Then u have her evaluated. If 24/7 care is recommended then the choice is made for her, an AL or LTC.

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That’s what her drs told me, don’t wait until a “catastrophic event” makes the decision for you(her). Unfortunately, it was also a fall and broken hip, but she survived and is in AL now.

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It's hard to chose between parent and spouse and children. All are important.

There are ways to help mom without leaving your family. Like assisted living. She can have the care she needs. And you can stay with your family who needs you.

Find a place that has good care, and activities, and nice and clean.

Wish you the best

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Thanks for understanding, it helps a lot. Yeah assisted living, what an awesome possibility. You know, my mom could afford it, which is amazing, but she is way too frugal. That generation, you know?

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I don’t understand why you would even consider forfeiting your marriage for your mother? Why you might think that her wants trump everything else in life?do you feel obligated to put her before not just your husband & children/grandchildren but also yourself? If you move in, her health care and her needs (and wants) become your entire life. Your life will consist of you running in circles to ensure her needs and wants are met. If she can no longer live alone, it’s her decision not to move in with her children. But she’s going to have to either hire caregivers or move to assisted living. Her life decisions don’t obligate you or your sister to give up your lives & move
in with her. And I agree with alva and Joann—if she is not cooperative, you will have to wait for an emergency to happen & use it as your avenue to move her to assisted living or long term care.

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Do not leave your home. Your first priority is your husband and children. You're right - leaving them does NOT compute. Don't do it.

Your mom is going to need more help than you and your sister can give her remotely. Sounds like she needs some assistance. Could hire a part-time caregiver to do a few things for/with her. When that is not enough, she will at some point need more in home care or will need to go to a nursing home. Of course she wants to live alone and stay in her home. No one wants to live in a nursing home. Yuck. BUT at some point it often becomes a NECESSITY, whether anyone like the idea or not. Safety is the priority.

My mom has lived with me for 5 years and it's put a HUGE strain on our relationship. If I could go back in time, I NEVER would have done it and will NEVER do it to my children.

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Thanks for your honest and helpful advice. I really appreciate it.

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Also, as your mom declines, she is going to need more help than you can provide. And you don't know how long you are going to need to be away, whether it's months or years. Don't sacrafice your family.

I know you are worried about mom. Sometimes, they make decisions that hurt them. And we pick up the pieces, enabling them to do what they want, while we pay for it.
No scenario is pleasant, whether it's leaving family for them, or letting an emergency happen before they get the care they need.
Its difficult either way.

The ideal would be for them to willingly get a professional caregiver. But sadly, they choose not to.

Big hug

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Thanks so much. Especially the hug!!

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Do not even consider it. If you move forward there will be no turning back and only end up creating more havoc. I get wanting to care for parents but we made it to the point it was actually doing more harm than good.

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Exactly

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You don’t want to leave your husband. You want to care for your mom. You feel stuck in the middle.

If you moved into mom’s home, how long will it be before you resent being at your mom’s house?

How long will it take before your husband resents your decision to move into your mother’s home? Would he go with you?

Would you want someone caring for you knowing that they are resentful?

I couldn’t ask my children to care for me. I don’t want to burden them. I would rather others care for me.

If your heart isn’t in it, you can’t do it. It’s hard enough for people who want to care for their parents full time.

My mom lived with us because she wasn’t able to live alone.

Mom absolutely hated being a burden on us, but was fearful of living in a facility too.

It’s hard on them and hard on us, tough all around.

Would I do it again? Mom lost her home in Hurricane Katrina. She did not have money to last in assisted living and I could not have even looked at nursing homes in the midst of the aftermath of a major catastrophic storm!

So she would have at least have had to be with me temporarily. I would not be a full time caregiver for as long as I did (15 years) if I could do it over.

Daughter1930’s father was a wise man! In our case it absolutely changed the dynamics of our relationship.

I am not telling you what to do. That is your decision. You asked for our stories and I shared mine with you.

I wish you all the best and truly hope you find what is best for you.

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Thank you so much for your caring advice. I really appreciate it.

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Talk to mom to let her know it is becoming more difficult.

If she has money, hire someone to do the things (plus a little more time) to handle things she needs. If no money, talk to her about using her income to move into assisted living or a nursing facility where people can help her 24/7. She may have no desire to live with either of you, nor disrupting your lives by having either of you move in w/her.

If living between the two of you is an option, from your/sibling's perspective, then tell her that. You want her there because it's getting to hard, and not so safe, to stay home alone anymore. She may agree to it now. You/sis could rotate this arrangement while her mind is still good.

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Thanks for great advice. The thing right now is that my mom is under with the illusion that she’s more capable than she is, so she says that she doesn’t need so much help or so many visits. But my sister and I know that she’s a real fall risk. So she is very private and fiercely independent, and absolutely hates the idea of hired help because they are “strangers”. So my sister and I are working hard to provide help and supervision, even though we both live an hour away. She actually would allow me and maybe my family to move in with her, but I don’t want to do that. Her house is old and she is in control of it, she wants everything a certain way. But she is too shy and uncomfortable to move in with us. May I add, she can’t leave her cats! Those are her true beloved. And I have a German Shepherd... so there’s a very weird and honest conflict there. But I do believe that time will tell. Eventually she will have to make a choice between allowing help or moving in with one of us or moving into a facility. Even though she still thinks that she’s going to pass away quietly in the night without needing any of these interventions.

thanks for letting me vent!

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My family comes with me I’m a package deal. My mother resides in my home and is handicapped and dementia. It’s hard but no way would I consider giving up my family. She has to give up and sacrifice for the care or she has to go to a nursing home , assistant living or have home health care. Neither one of you girls should have to leave your families. But if this is the Avenue you take trust me it does get harder w time. It’s so hard to decide what to do with a parent. They raised and loved us. So I feel that loyalty to my mom. But it’s very hard at times

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Live-in help can work out well if you hire privately. Don't use an agency, and make sure you hire two caregiver. One for during the week and one for week-ends. This way works out the best because no one can do it seven days a week. I've known people who hired two and they each worked half the week. That can work too.
Don't leave your own family to care for an elder by moving in. That will not be a good situation for you or your family.

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I agree and don’t see the necessity of one “leaving” their family to help a parent, if one has their parent come live with them they don’t have to “leave their family”

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If your mom is willing to let you give up your family and your life to care for her—especially where she has the money to make other arrangements—that is something you need to think about. And why you would even consider it is another thing to look at.
I took my 93 yo mom out of an ALF at the start of covid and after a hospitalization and brought her to live with me. This is temporary until she can get vaccinated and safely return. That day is getting closer but some days I don’t know if I’ll make it.
Your mom needs a longterm solution. The truth is we all want our loved ones to be more able. But that will not happen. My mom has declined in the 9 months she’s been with me. If she were still in the ALF, I’d blame that. But it’s just the way it is. Time does not stand still. And it won’t stand still for you, your husband and children, either. You cannot fix this situation for your mother by sacrificing yourself and your family. And that your mother would allow it is very worrying.

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This is a belief much of society was conditioned to believe that we should as a matter of course automatically separate generations and move grandma or grandpa into senior living but there are plenty of other people who see the value and make the choice to have a parent ( or grandparent) live with them, there can be great value and benefit in intergenerational living.

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Have you actually got your mother's agreement to this idea? - you say she has always been clear that she wants to remain in her own home. I see nothing about her ever saying she'd like you to join her there.

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I kept thinking that. Hmmm mom wants to be there alone.

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We moved our father into our guest home 5 years ago. He was diagnosed with dementia. I thought it would be better to have him close by. I would check on him when I could and eventually when he needed more help he would move into a care home. Sounds easy right? My sister is intent on keeping our father out of a nursing home and expects me to care for him even though I severe health problems. I tried to reason with her, saying i believe most people can no longer live safely at home in the end. She’s not worried about safety only his happiness. My father does not recognize he has dementia and says he will only move into a home if he becomes bedridden. Yet I worry about his safety everyday. I’m getting sicker from all of the stress. I finally had to block my sisters calls. I only wish I had read about stories like these before we move our parents in with us.

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I was volunteering at a homeless shelter. There was a lady there quiet patient, stayed to herself, there for several months. Her hubby died leaving her nada. I invited her to live with me. She was helpful. 3 mos later mom fx her hip. The lady moved in w/ her after rehab. Mom was already legally blind w/ dementia. That lady has been w/ her for 3 years! now. What a God send! I give her 1 and a half days off a week. I pay her not a lot plus of course room and board. She's happy, tho mom is difficult, mom's ok, of course she'd rather have me, but it has all worked out. So look around, volunteer somewhere suggestions: women's safe houses, homeless shelters, places where middle age to older ladies might be who could desperately appreciate room & board & someone in their lives to care for. May work for you. It did me.

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I think your Mom either enjoys the peace and quiet and privacy or she doesn't want to be a burden. Either way with the pandemic not seeing an end any time soon, maybe you and your sister can afford her a companion a few hours a day with an agenda. If you both have people in and out of your homes, may not be good for her.

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My 96 yr old Dad with dementia has 24 7 Care.

I started out with him wearing alerts but he would take them off tgen forget to put the necklace back on.
I had my son install Nest Cameras and they are awesome and pretty easy to install.. it's great to be able to see how he is doing 24 7 just opening my lap top or cell phone.

Your mom will be much happier staying in her own place that sge is familiar with.

INatalie cameras right away!

Mare sure the bathrooms have hand rails by the toilet and in the shower.

Have easy meals that she can fix in microwave.

Have milk, juice, ect in smaller containers so they won't be so hard to lift.

Most accidents happen in the bathroom.

Mom doesn't need to take a shower or bath every day so you might schedule someone to be there 2 or 3 times a week to help with showers or at leadt make sure there are no rugs to trip on and there are bars installed to hold on to getting in and out and a bench to sit down in the shower.

You might even consider having a Caregiver come over a couple hrs a day.

I wouldn't give up my life to move in with a parent. Not even right to leVe a spouse ect to do that.

If Your mom has a choice to move in with you and decides to stay in her own home, respect that choice even tho you have concerns as she should be able to live out the rest of her life in her own home.

Plenty of accidents happen in Senior Homes too.

They are always understaffed.

Just think about how you would like to move from the place you have lived forever and be placed in an unfamiliar room with unfamiliar people telling you what to do and when to do it and if you're any kind of problem want you to put them on meds.

Especially at this time with covid.

I would rather take my chances at my own house.

Yoy might try to line up a Live In which can help out plus it gives them a place to stay and there are many people available, you don't have to be a nurse to live in, just a nice older single person that needs a place to stay.

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Yes all of that’s true about the importance of staying in their familiar home, and how plenty of accidents or falls happen in senior living also etc. Remember though if one has a caregiver live in you have to pay them a salary- your not supposed to count the room they stay in as payment ( yes some folks try to do this to get free or cheap care but your not allowed to count their room as payment when one needs live in care

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My Mom moved in with us 21 years ago. My leaving my family is out of the question.

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My sister-in-law let her mom live alone--as per her wishes--she fell, broke her hip and was on the ground for days before anybody knew. She too was in her 90's with no Alzheimer's. After long hospitalization, where she caught a superbug, she died. By the way she had home cameras...but fell out of sight of them.

One single fall is often the "game changer". Also, living by herself, she is easy pickings for any home invader. Someone wanting meth money will not hesitate to injure or kill an elderly person for a few bucks. That is the world we are living in.

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Sad to have to agree. Happens all the time here in Phoenix. .. But then, Phoenix, well...

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You are correct; do not leave your spouse or children to care for your parent full time. Your marriage must be your highest priority human relationship and (younger) dependent children are second. If your mother requires round the clock care you have a few options:
Ask family, friends, neighbors, members of your faith community to fill in a weekly schedule of help. Each volunteer should be able to competently do whatever tasks are required. Some volunteers may only want to take on 1 task: laundry, weekly housecleaning, transportation, or grocery shopping. Others (usually women since it it your mother) may be comfortable with hands on care: toileting, hygiene, transfers from bed to chair to standing...
Usually when a person needs 24/7/365 supervision and assistance, it is time for paid caregivers. This can be supplemental paid help - sitters and home health aides "to fill in gaps" in the weekly schedule when volunteers are not available. Others, like my mother-in-law, opt for just 2-3 caregivers that take turns caring for her in her home. Most often the paid help in these 2 situations require payment from the client or the client's family unless there is long term health care insurance. The last option requires your mother to move into a residential facility - either an assisted living or a full care facility. Call both types of places and talk with the administrative staff about the types of help your mother requires. The staff can let you know which type of placement is more suitable.

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My 97 year old Mom lives alone in a senior apartment. My sis and I convinced her to move 5 minutes away into a senior apartment. She wants no part of AL. To say it’s frustrating would be an understatement! She still talks of buying another house even though both sis and I have offered to have her move in with us. NO! She is too independent! Between sis and I we have every day of the week covered but we can’t and won’t live there. Every time I leave she is crying! She’s so lonely. But she won’t accept help from anyone but us. It’s so depressing to sit with her and listen day in and day out about her health problems. She has some memory loss but can carry on an intelligent conversation for hours and hours. I feel like I have no life left in me. I still have a high schooler at home but am so depressed I can’t think of anything that would be fun to do. Pretty much my husband and daughter ignore me to save me from venting at them. Thank God I found this forum before I made the mistake of living with her. She’ll never move in with me and someday she’ll have an accident and go to a nursing home. I’m sure I sound cold hearted but she’s controlled me my whole life. Her doctor told me “she’s the child now, you’re the parent “. Well she needs to be in a NH but I don’t have guardianship and no judge is going to put her there. So we’re at a stand-off. Hold your ground and fight for your family. They’re all your going to have left. Hugs to you.

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Your situation sounds a lot like mine! My mom is also very lonely, but very private and would feel very uncomfortable in our homes. I wish she was in a senior apartment close by, but her house is an hour away from me and an hour and a half away from my sister. Needless to say, we are really racking up the miles. The only pro of her staying in her home is her cats, which she is wildly affectionate with.-sigh-
thank you for your great advice and sharing.

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Worse mistake I have made! Although my sister insisted they needed me 24/7...and I left a post-retirement (overseas) dream job so I could help...my parents really did NOT want me in their house. My mother has never shared her space in all of her life...and my dad wasn’t about to give up any control. His mind is sharp/body frail. My mom is healthy but has mild dementia.

I wish I had someone from outside the family assess the situation and give advice before I made a HUGE decision based on guilt. I was with them for 1.5 years...and finally moved out. I’m 10 min away and can help as needed. I cook dinner, do shopping, drive to appointments, do some light cleaning, and help with anything that needs to be done online. 😄

They will need to hire additional help or go to a facility if they get worse.

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I moved in with my mom when she was 90. But I am divorced so I had no one else to care for. (She said 'I want to die in this house') I stayed 3.5 years. Then my bro stepped up and took her into his home. He is 2 yrs younger and married. She died 1 yr later, age 94. I have no regrets except that we should have had a 'family contract' when I moved in about what items I would pay for. So, your mom could change her mind about moving some day.

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My mom alway says something has to get me eventually. You and your sister should insist on getting someone in; even if a couple of days a week to give you a break. She may be resistant but may find a new friend as well. Breaking through that barrier will be huge. I am the only one caring for my 91 year old mom who is 5 min away with dementia. Living with me is not n option. We go back and forth all the time about getting help. I keep reminding myself of her comment and do the best I can. If she falls that will be what catapults her to the next level. There will be an event eventually and I am lately obsessing that it will be me to find her or have to handle it. Right now I can manage but sooner or later I will insist on help. I recommend you do the same and make time for your family and YOU! Good luck! This is a rough ride and I’m so grateful for the advise on these groups!

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Thanks for your post. It’s so helpful to hear everyone’s story. Hard times.

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Maybe you could highlight some of the nice features if she lived with you: more time with family, she'd have her meals and housekeeping taken care of, if you have kids at home, she'd be spending more time with the grandchildren, maybe you and she could go out for breakfast on occasion, etc. That way, it's not presented as a "You shouldn't live alone," perspective. My mom willingly moved in with us when she had Alzheimer's, (although sometimes she thought we moved in with her). Luckily, we had a dog at the time, who seemed to make her transition a bit easier.

Also, you could say that it would be easier for you, too, in that if she had to go to the doctor, for example, you'd be right there, rather than having to commute between houses. Sometimes my mom would do something if she thought it was helping someone else. Good luck.

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does she have dementia? is she capable to make her own meals, wash herself, etc. if she needs that type of care it might be advisable to place her in AL where she can be watched over and she will have other people to interact with. Personally I would never move in with my mother (our father passed in may 2020) only because she has the tv louder than normal, and the house set at 80 degrees............and she already said before she would not live with us. when the time comes she will go into a NH where she can be cared for all meals, bathing, etc. She is 93 and right now running to house 2 times a day to put on and take off compression socks. Is it possible to have someone come in for a couple hours a day to help with stuff she needs done? if not, then the AL route seems the best option. Get in touch with a good Elder Attorney and go from there. wishing you luck.

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Long story short, you don't. I tried it and it cost me big time. Not only would leaving your spouse and children probably spell disaster for your marriage, but I don't think you realize how draining a 24/7 live-in position actually is. You won't get paid for your time, and you'll probably be needed almost 24/7, so you can't go work a 9 to 5 job. Your mother should have already saved back enough money to get an in-home caregiver or move into an old folk's home. It's not your responsibility to drop everything for years to help her. This is exactly what an unpaid caregiver's job is all about, sacrifice. If she can't or won't even try to afford a paid caregiver, then your other siblings are going to have to take responsibility if they live near your mom and take rotating shifts. It's just not realistic to drop everything and care for your mother for 5 years straight. I've seen marriages fall apart doing that very same thing.

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I agree - there comes a time in life with elderly people where most need some form of help due to their needs and behaviors. Do YOU want to assume the full responsibility for their care to the point where YOU become damaged mentally and physically because they won't stop doing what they do? Are you willing to lose your family? maybe a job? your way of life? your sanity and peace? Unless you answer yes, then you MUST place them into a facility where they are cared for. Caretakers are fine but if push comes to shove, they may get up and leave. Being a caretaker for these people is a horrible job and a thankless one and not many will put up with long term impossible situations. Do something before it is too late.

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I can't conclude that your mom's wish to live alone means she wants you to move in. I suspect she had no desire to disrupt your life like that, and even if she did, it's not realistic to give up your present -- and future -- like that. You and your sis are doing right by her; now add in an aide via a good agency, and get more aide hours as her needs increase. It's still work to coordinate care by aides, but better for ALL than moving in. Bluntly, maybe she'll live another year, maybe 5 or 10 years. Are you prepared for that level of commitment? Would your family survive that sacrifice of them?

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It seems time for your mother to move to some type of assisted living. If she needs so much "support and care," then, basically, she is already living in a de facto assisted living arrangement anyway, since you are providing so much "assistance."

When it became clear that my father needed to be placed in AL, I "talked it up" about how 3 meals a day would be provided for him, his laundry would be done for him, there was always coffee available 24/7, etc. We visited 3 places so that he would feel that HE made the choice as to which one and not me. The move went smoothly - and I made arrangements to sell his house once he was settled in to AL.

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