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How did you come to the decision to leave your spouse and your family and move in with a needy parent?


I can’t come to the decision to take the leap. So my sister and I jump around and try to create supportive plans to check on my mom frequently, using medical alert, frequent phone calls, and cameras are next on my list. None of these things provide 100% security.


Long ago my mother made it clear that she didn’t want to live with us, she wanted to live alone. But at 95, she is needing so much help and support.


But leaving family and moving in full-time just doesn’t compute into my head.


I just want to know how some of you made the decision and how it worked out with your families and spouses.

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Let's just start by saying, sounds like you really don't want to give up YOUR life to help her for a few years, and that's all she has if lucky.

Someone with as many doubts as you, as you probably already have 18 kids, 2 husbands and a dog or whatever your situation is, would probably be better served HIRING a live in carer.

Med alerts are for the family to feel safe, for the person expected to use it, its usually useless. (I know.)
Cams are a BIG help, but you cannot be glued to them 24/7 (I know)
Pandemic has made getting a live in carer a real dangerous option though. I personally, though I would like one, no way I would hire one in Maskless Pandemic Land.

I completely understand you wanting to not give up your life to care for you mom for a year or two. Do what you are doing, maybe get a neighbor or friend of your mom's or another sibling closer to check in daily, if only on facetime.

All you can do is do your best for YOUR situation and for YOUR mental health, it is EXHAUSTING. Some just seem to be made to deal with everything, others not so much.
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The general consensus here seems to be not to move in with your mom. You need to consider the effect on you to try to care for her 24/7. In any care facility the staff works in 3-4 daily shifts. You propose to do the job of how many people? What will your mental state be in a few weeks?
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Hello, You and your family come FIRST! When Mom was about 87 I was given a lecture from my brother saying it was time to sacrifice and do for our mother since she has now reached her super senior years and was showing subtle signs of declining. She too never wanted to leave her home and there was no way either of us could live with her. I have a family and lived out of state and my brother out of the country. Fast forward our mother who was now 96 was no longer safe being alone in her own home per her doctor. The doctor pretty much said if we didn't make a decision for her safety that he or the state would. We had 30 days to let the Dr know what the plans were. So we scrambled and found a nice AL place for mom in my home state. Mom has always been a very independent, in charge type of woman so this did not go over well with her; leaving her home of 40+ years but she had no recourse. Days before moving to my state she called me and said she didn't want to go to AL but would be OK with living with me bc the price of AL would drain her funds pretty quickly. So in haste I agreed. How hard could it be? I fooled myself. If I had to do it again, I would not have made an emotional decision by letting her move into our home. Taking care of your loved one does not get easier as they age; only harder. Children are easier to take care of bc they become more independent. Not so with aging parents; they become more dependent everyday. It absolutely sucks the life right out of you and your other family members. I have been doing this for only 1.5 years. Many here have been doing this so much longer but to me my 1.5 years seems like 10 years. I am pulled in so many directions and totally stressed. My home was my sanctuary; my happy place. That has all changed. My family relationships have changed. My life and anything I do or plan is all based around my mother's care and schedule. This may sound cold and callous. I don't mean for it to be. I love my mother but I do admit that I love her differently if that makes sense. I have no physical support from my brother. He calls now and than and a sends a couple emails bc he still lives out of the country. This sacrifice my brother said we needed to make is all on me. His life has not changed. There is so much to think about: legal issues (POA), Dr appts, transportation, medicare, re-arranging your home to accommodate her needs, hiring outside home-care and the list goes on and on. You are so blessed to have a sister who is in this with you. Share these posts with her before making any final decisions. Do what is best for you, your family and your sister. This is a huge commitment that you have no idea how hard it will be or when it will end. Hugs to you both!
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This isn’t the answer your looking for, but for me.... I refuse to commit. If there’s anything I’ve learned here, one foot in it , your in it for the duration and it escalates. My MIL will need full time care and I have worked for almost 50 years to retire. BIL wants to save money for inheritance. Not at my expense.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2021
babsjvd, you are absolutely right. That is well said about the BIL wanting to save money for inheritance but that it will not be at your expense. More often than not in elder family caregiving situations the person who offers to help out a bit becomes the primary and sole caregiver. When they refuse or speak up the 'well you said you'd help out' gets thrown up in their face and they end up just sucking it up and doing it all. Everyone should listen to what you've said because it's some good advice.
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Rosa; just because your mother refuses in home help and/or refuses to move closer to you or your sister does NOT mean that YOU must leave your family.

Something will happen; a fall, an illness, that causes mom to be hospitalized. Once she is in the hospital, you tell the discharge planners that she lives alone and refuses help. They will help place her in rehab which can then turn into Long Term Care.

She is making poor choices which will result in her living in a situation that is not to her liking. But that is HER choice.

You shouldn't wreck your life to accomodate her poor choices (not to allow help to come in to her home).
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rosadelima: Your story is the epitome of mine. For you see, I, too, had a mother who was adamant on living alone 500 miles away from me and my husband. While certainly I tried to remedy her elder living arrangements early enough that something could be changed (closer to me), my mother remained unchanged. She was a legally blind woman with the worse ever case of wet Macular Degeneration that her retinologist had ever seen, she was incontinent both ways, had CHF, A-fib and Arthritis. She said "I'm so glad that I stayed in my own home." My response - "I am not, mother because now that your blood pressure bottomed out to 60 over 40, you've left me no choice but to move in with you."

I do not advocate this. You asked how this worked out. It was the most difficult of feats that I've ever undertaken. I was already an elder myself when I had to leave my home, my husband, my family and my life behind. I needed surgery, but that had to wait. My mother was in the hospital on Christmas Day and so was my husband - but I was unable to be with him and he incurred a vicious cat bite - long story short - the cat had to go. I had some stories from that escapade!

Prayers sent.
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I would never leave my spouse and family to move in with my mom... that sounds unreasonable. I moved my mom in with me and my family. She has caregivers available through Medicaid and I am able to manage them in my home. (I am also a paid caregiver.). Talk to an ELDER attorney to see if she qualifies. I would not want to manage all this from afar... we went through several caregivers before finding ones we trust, even living under the same roof! We have caregivers in our home all the time... my husband is very supportive about it but it is definitely an unusual situation with little privacy. This could go on for years. I am not a fan of nursing homes. Assisted Living can be great for elders who can care and advocate for themselves. My father-in-law was forced into one and ended up loving it. There is no perfect answer for senior care, unfortunately. Best wishes.
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My husband and I moved into my mother-in-law's house about a year ago. Since then, it has been a slippery slope for all of us. At first, it wasn't so bad. We were optimistic, energetic, and willing to go above and beyond. Now, I can tell you, I am miserable. It has been very difficult emotionally, physically, and financially. Worst of all, my marriage has suffered greatly. My life feels chaotic and very much off track. I am losing myself little by little. When it's at the point where an elder needs an in-home caregiver, their condition is already pretty darn bad, but note: it only worsens from there.
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GET THE CAMERAS!
we installed EZVID, with just 5 cameras we can see and hear everything-and communicate through each camera-loud and clear- if/when necessary.
Just install the free app on your phone, IPad, etc-there are no monthly charges.
Plus, you can record if you install an SD card.
If nothing else, the cameras will at least buy you time..
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Hazard61 Feb 2021
is there any distance limitations? I’m 7 hours away from my mother. She is independent now but she is81. Trying to prepare for the future. I can’t live with her or she with me we don’t get along .. we would drive each other nuts.
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Talking from experience moving my mother in with the family. My dying father’s request was to take care of my mother. So that’s what I did. Until I couldn’t any longer.  It all unraveled when I gave birth to a special needs child, got laid off and also fired from work, and mom eventually devolved to dementia. I am at my lowest now, in self esteem, alternatives and just general direction in life. I have no more life since things went downhill.  I have been a full-time caregiver for more than 15 years now, although my mother has lived with us for longer. I have not been able to connect properly with my children nor my husband…more like they have “dropped” me because I chose to carry this extra burden. It doesn’t help that I already had unresolved issues I’ve suffered through. So if you are going to do what you plan to do, please consider that you might not feel the same way down the line.  Situations will change, how you feel will change. It’s not worth it to give up your immediate family unless you are truly willing to experience that “loss.”   Solutions will have to be created, work it through with your family. Make sure to speak up for yourself, and what you are willing to give. Don't allow yourself to get run over, like I did, take care of yourself as well.
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KathleenQ Feb 2021
You break my heart. Such suffering is almost beyond anyone’s capacity to bear. I understand you trying to keep your promise to your father but your wedding vows say you will take care of your husband. Emotionally and legally you are responsible for your child as is his/her father. So in order of your responsibilities 1) a dependent child 2) a spouse. Your parents were supposed to care for you until adulthood and even though you may want to pay it back, you cannot destroy your life to do so. Your father’s love for your mother did not give him the right to ask you to take his place in caring for her. You sound terribly depressed and I wish you would speak with a counselor. I advise you to find a placement for your mother too, but you don’t say where she is now. You really need a professional to talk with and to plan a new life for yourself. Please.
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I think you know that moving in with her is a no-go. You should not let her think that is an option. You can say "Mom you how I love you, but I cannot and will not leave my husband and children to come live at your house, and if you were thinking clearly I know you would not ask that of me. SO lets brainstorm other options. If you want to remain by yourself with your cats, you will need to live in a senior apartment near me. OR you can choose to pay someone to come and stay with you during the week and help you out and sister and I will take turns coming on Saturday or Sunday afternoon for a couple hours to visit and help out. We cannot keep driving so far so often. It's not a workable plan long term. SO you think about it and then we will make a plan. BUT you have to be firm and take that option off the table. No maybe, no we'll see, no we'll think about it.
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In my BIL/SIL's case, they needed somewhere to live temporarily, and my FIL offered to let them move in. That was 3 years ago. FIL's mobility dropped dramatically in the first few months they were there and SIL felt they couldn't leave. BIL is somewhat content, but SIL is now beginning to regret that decision and they are talking about moving out and finding skilled nursing or ALF (we think he is physically more in line with skilled nursing, but some of that may just be that he is interacting with his daughter and not someone he is paying to care for him, we believe he may be able to do a lot more than he does for himself) for my FIL.

But it would not have come at the expense of her marriage. They would not have been separated for her to care for FIL. If he had needed care and no one was able to move into help as an intact family unit, he would had to hire home caregivers or move to a facility that could take care of his needs. As it stands his needs are getting to be too much for them and I don't think it will be long before other arrangements have to be made.
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Hi Rosa,
I can totally relate to your situation. My mom and I are living together and for now the resolution to where we live is that we live 6 months at my home and 6 months at hers. I realize that this is not the permanent solution and that I will have to settle down somewhere. I cannot and will not live in her home permanently and no matter where she goes she will not be happy to leave her castle where she feels most comfortable. It is very difficult as we want to keep our parents happy. For now this is the best solution but I am trying the best that I can with the resources that I have to offer. I plan on putting both of our homes on the market and plan on taking a few real estate trips with her to find the best place for us both to live. I am fortunate to have her.... here with me and am enjoying her before it will get more limiting as her condition worsens. All I can say is she is lucky to have you and that this struggle of where to live is your decision. I have no regrets in my decision to dedicate myself to being her full time caregiver and friend. Our moms deserve to be treated by those that love her like no one else can. A nursing home is not an option for me. When her condition worsens I will seek in home support services and at the end there will be hospice available. You can only take care of her in the best way if there is no resentment present about your sacrifice to her. Stay positive and do whats best for you so that you can take the best care of her if that is the option you choose. I hope you find the best solution for you..... thinking of you through this difficult transition....
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Leaving your spouse to move in with your mother is not a reasonable option (unless you wanted a reason to leave your spouse anyway!)

Why would you do that. If your mother stays in her own home, you'll all have to pool resources to hire in-home help.
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When at 97 my Mom was still fully functional but living 12 miles from nearest town and a long walk to nearest neighbor - it was obvious something needed to give. I gave her 2 options - hire a live-in full time caregiver or come live with me across the country from where she lived. She realized she couldn't continue in her own home - so looked at assisted living (which like all assited living - if you cant take care of yourself reasonably you have to go to nursing home). Then she decided to make the move to come and live with me. Brave on her part - yes. I would never have lived where she was living and was happy to have her come to my home. We were blessed with another 7 years - only had issues requiring hiring caregiver here - last 6 months. She lived to almost 104. She was happy in her new home - she became a California girl. Bottom line - it was her decision guided by my setting the expectations of what would happen here - if she needed help I had more resources here and I would always live here. your life will go on after her most likely. Make the decision that is best for both of you.
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It seems time for your mother to move to some type of assisted living. If she needs so much "support and care," then, basically, she is already living in a de facto assisted living arrangement anyway, since you are providing so much "assistance."

When it became clear that my father needed to be placed in AL, I "talked it up" about how 3 meals a day would be provided for him, his laundry would be done for him, there was always coffee available 24/7, etc. We visited 3 places so that he would feel that HE made the choice as to which one and not me. The move went smoothly - and I made arrangements to sell his house once he was settled in to AL.
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I can't conclude that your mom's wish to live alone means she wants you to move in. I suspect she had no desire to disrupt your life like that, and even if she did, it's not realistic to give up your present -- and future -- like that. You and your sis are doing right by her; now add in an aide via a good agency, and get more aide hours as her needs increase. It's still work to coordinate care by aides, but better for ALL than moving in. Bluntly, maybe she'll live another year, maybe 5 or 10 years. Are you prepared for that level of commitment? Would your family survive that sacrifice of them?
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Long story short, you don't. I tried it and it cost me big time. Not only would leaving your spouse and children probably spell disaster for your marriage, but I don't think you realize how draining a 24/7 live-in position actually is. You won't get paid for your time, and you'll probably be needed almost 24/7, so you can't go work a 9 to 5 job. Your mother should have already saved back enough money to get an in-home caregiver or move into an old folk's home. It's not your responsibility to drop everything for years to help her. This is exactly what an unpaid caregiver's job is all about, sacrifice. If she can't or won't even try to afford a paid caregiver, then your other siblings are going to have to take responsibility if they live near your mom and take rotating shifts. It's just not realistic to drop everything and care for your mother for 5 years straight. I've seen marriages fall apart doing that very same thing.
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Rusty2166 Feb 2021
I agree - there comes a time in life with elderly people where most need some form of help due to their needs and behaviors. Do YOU want to assume the full responsibility for their care to the point where YOU become damaged mentally and physically because they won't stop doing what they do? Are you willing to lose your family? maybe a job? your way of life? your sanity and peace? Unless you answer yes, then you MUST place them into a facility where they are cared for. Caretakers are fine but if push comes to shove, they may get up and leave. Being a caretaker for these people is a horrible job and a thankless one and not many will put up with long term impossible situations. Do something before it is too late.
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does she have dementia? is she capable to make her own meals, wash herself, etc.  if she needs that type of care it might be advisable to place her in AL where she can be watched over and she will have other people to interact with.  Personally I would never move in with my mother (our father passed in may 2020) only because she has the tv louder than normal, and the house set at 80 degrees............and she already said before she would not live with us.  when the time comes she will go into a NH where she can be cared for all meals, bathing, etc.  She is 93 and right now running to house 2 times a day to put on and take off compression socks.  Is it possible to have someone come in for a couple hours a day to help with stuff she needs done?  if not, then the AL route seems the best option.  Get in touch with a good Elder Attorney and go from there. wishing you luck.
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Maybe you could highlight some of the nice features if she lived with you: more time with family, she'd have her meals and housekeeping taken care of, if you have kids at home, she'd be spending more time with the grandchildren, maybe you and she could go out for breakfast on occasion, etc. That way, it's not presented as a "You shouldn't live alone," perspective. My mom willingly moved in with us when she had Alzheimer's, (although sometimes she thought we moved in with her). Luckily, we had a dog at the time, who seemed to make her transition a bit easier.

Also, you could say that it would be easier for you, too, in that if she had to go to the doctor, for example, you'd be right there, rather than having to commute between houses. Sometimes my mom would do something if she thought it was helping someone else. Good luck.
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My mom alway says something has to get me eventually. You and your sister should insist on getting someone in; even if a couple of days a week to give you a break. She may be resistant but may find a new friend as well. Breaking through that barrier will be huge. I am the only one caring for my 91 year old mom who is 5 min away with dementia. Living with me is not n option. We go back and forth all the time about getting help. I keep reminding myself of her comment and do the best I can. If she falls that will be what catapults her to the next level. There will be an event eventually and I am lately obsessing that it will be me to find her or have to handle it. Right now I can manage but sooner or later I will insist on help. I recommend you do the same and make time for your family and YOU! Good luck! This is a rough ride and I’m so grateful for the advise on these groups!
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rosadelima Feb 2021
Thanks for your post. It’s so helpful to hear everyone’s story. Hard times.
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I moved in with my mom when she was 90. But I am divorced so I had no one else to care for. (She said 'I want to die in this house') I stayed 3.5 years. Then my bro stepped up and took her into his home. He is 2 yrs younger and married. She died 1 yr later, age 94. I have no regrets except that we should have had a 'family contract' when I moved in about what items I would pay for. So, your mom could change her mind about moving some day.
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Worse mistake I have made! Although my sister insisted they needed me 24/7...and I left a post-retirement (overseas) dream job so I could help...my parents really did NOT want me in their house. My mother has never shared her space in all of her life...and my dad wasn’t about to give up any control. His mind is sharp/body frail. My mom is healthy but has mild dementia.

I wish I had someone from outside the family assess the situation and give advice before I made a HUGE decision based on guilt. I was with them for 1.5 years...and finally moved out. I’m 10 min away and can help as needed. I cook dinner, do shopping, drive to appointments, do some light cleaning, and help with anything that needs to be done online. 😄

They will need to hire additional help or go to a facility if they get worse.
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My 97 year old Mom lives alone in a senior apartment. My sis and I convinced her to move 5 minutes away into a senior apartment. She wants no part of AL. To say it’s frustrating would be an understatement! She still talks of buying another house even though both sis and I have offered to have her move in with us. NO! She is too independent! Between sis and I we have every day of the week covered but we can’t and won’t live there. Every time I leave she is crying! She’s so lonely. But she won’t accept help from anyone but us. It’s so depressing to sit with her and listen day in and day out about her health problems. She has some memory loss but can carry on an intelligent conversation for hours and hours. I feel like I have no life left in me. I still have a high schooler at home but am so depressed I can’t think of anything that would be fun to do. Pretty much my husband and daughter ignore me to save me from venting at them. Thank God I found this forum before I made the mistake of living with her. She’ll never move in with me and someday she’ll have an accident and go to a nursing home. I’m sure I sound cold hearted but she’s controlled me my whole life. Her doctor told me “she’s the child now, you’re the parent “. Well she needs to be in a NH but I don’t have guardianship and no judge is going to put her there. So we’re at a stand-off. Hold your ground and fight for your family. They’re all your going to have left. Hugs to you.
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rosadelima Feb 2021
Your situation sounds a lot like mine! My mom is also very lonely, but very private and would feel very uncomfortable in our homes. I wish she was in a senior apartment close by, but her house is an hour away from me and an hour and a half away from my sister. Needless to say, we are really racking up the miles. The only pro of her staying in her home is her cats, which she is wildly affectionate with.-sigh-
thank you for your great advice and sharing.
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You are correct; do not leave your spouse or children to care for your parent full time. Your marriage must be your highest priority human relationship and (younger) dependent children are second. If your mother requires round the clock care you have a few options:
Ask family, friends, neighbors, members of your faith community to fill in a weekly schedule of help. Each volunteer should be able to competently do whatever tasks are required. Some volunteers may only want to take on 1 task: laundry, weekly housecleaning, transportation, or grocery shopping. Others (usually women since it it your mother) may be comfortable with hands on care: toileting, hygiene, transfers from bed to chair to standing...
Usually when a person needs 24/7/365 supervision and assistance, it is time for paid caregivers. This can be supplemental paid help - sitters and home health aides "to fill in gaps" in the weekly schedule when volunteers are not available. Others, like my mother-in-law, opt for just 2-3 caregivers that take turns caring for her in her home. Most often the paid help in these 2 situations require payment from the client or the client's family unless there is long term health care insurance. The last option requires your mother to move into a residential facility - either an assisted living or a full care facility. Call both types of places and talk with the administrative staff about the types of help your mother requires. The staff can let you know which type of placement is more suitable.
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My sister-in-law let her mom live alone--as per her wishes--she fell, broke her hip and was on the ground for days before anybody knew. She too was in her 90's with no Alzheimer's. After long hospitalization, where she caught a superbug, she died. By the way she had home cameras...but fell out of sight of them.

One single fall is often the "game changer". Also, living by herself, she is easy pickings for any home invader. Someone wanting meth money will not hesitate to injure or kill an elderly person for a few bucks. That is the world we are living in.
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spoonielife Feb 2021
Sad to have to agree. Happens all the time here in Phoenix. .. But then, Phoenix, well...
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My Mom moved in with us 21 years ago. My leaving my family is out of the question.
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My 96 yr old Dad with dementia has 24 7 Care.

I started out with him wearing alerts but he would take them off tgen forget to put the necklace back on.
I had my son install Nest Cameras and they are awesome and pretty easy to install.. it's great to be able to see how he is doing 24 7 just opening my lap top or cell phone.

Your mom will be much happier staying in her own place that sge is familiar with.

INatalie cameras right away!

Mare sure the bathrooms have hand rails by the toilet and in the shower.

Have easy meals that she can fix in microwave.

Have milk, juice, ect in smaller containers so they won't be so hard to lift.

Most accidents happen in the bathroom.

Mom doesn't need to take a shower or bath every day so you might schedule someone to be there 2 or 3 times a week to help with showers or at leadt make sure there are no rugs to trip on and there are bars installed to hold on to getting in and out and a bench to sit down in the shower.

You might even consider having a Caregiver come over a couple hrs a day.

I wouldn't give up my life to move in with a parent. Not even right to leVe a spouse ect to do that.

If Your mom has a choice to move in with you and decides to stay in her own home, respect that choice even tho you have concerns as she should be able to live out the rest of her life in her own home.

Plenty of accidents happen in Senior Homes too.

They are always understaffed.

Just think about how you would like to move from the place you have lived forever and be placed in an unfamiliar room with unfamiliar people telling you what to do and when to do it and if you're any kind of problem want you to put them on meds.

Especially at this time with covid.

I would rather take my chances at my own house.

Yoy might try to line up a Live In which can help out plus it gives them a place to stay and there are many people available, you don't have to be a nurse to live in, just a nice older single person that needs a place to stay.
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Sarah3 Feb 2021
Yes all of that’s true about the importance of staying in their familiar home, and how plenty of accidents or falls happen in senior living also etc. Remember though if one has a caregiver live in you have to pay them a salary- your not supposed to count the room they stay in as payment ( yes some folks try to do this to get free or cheap care but your not allowed to count their room as payment when one needs live in care
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I think your Mom either enjoys the peace and quiet and privacy or she doesn't want to be a burden. Either way with the pandemic not seeing an end any time soon, maybe you and your sister can afford her a companion a few hours a day with an agenda. If you both have people in and out of your homes, may not be good for her.
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I was volunteering at a homeless shelter. There was a lady there quiet patient, stayed to herself, there for several months. Her hubby died leaving her nada. I invited her to live with me. She was helpful. 3 mos later mom fx her hip. The lady moved in w/ her after rehab. Mom was already legally blind w/ dementia. That lady has been w/ her for 3 years! now. What a God send! I give her 1 and a half days off a week. I pay her not a lot plus of course room and board. She's happy, tho mom is difficult, mom's ok, of course she'd rather have me, but it has all worked out. So look around, volunteer somewhere suggestions: women's safe houses, homeless shelters, places where middle age to older ladies might be who could desperately appreciate room & board & someone in their lives to care for. May work for you. It did me.
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