How did you come to the decision to leave your spouse and your family and move in with a needy parent?
I can’t come to the decision to take the leap. So my sister and I jump around and try to create supportive plans to check on my mom frequently, using medical alert, frequent phone calls, and cameras are next on my list. None of these things provide 100% security.
Long ago my mother made it clear that she didn’t want to live with us, she wanted to live alone. But at 95, she is needing so much help and support.
But leaving family and moving in full-time just doesn’t compute into my head.
I just want to know how some of you made the decision and how it worked out with your families and spouses.
I took my 93 yo mom out of an ALF at the start of covid and after a hospitalization and brought her to live with me. This is temporary until she can get vaccinated and safely return. That day is getting closer but some days I don’t know if I’ll make it.
Your mom needs a longterm solution. The truth is we all want our loved ones to be more able. But that will not happen. My mom has declined in the 9 months she’s been with me. If she were still in the ALF, I’d blame that. But it’s just the way it is. Time does not stand still. And it won’t stand still for you, your husband and children, either. You cannot fix this situation for your mother by sacrificing yourself and your family. And that your mother would allow it is very worrying.
Don't leave your own family to care for an elder by moving in. That will not be a good situation for you or your family.
If she has money, hire someone to do the things (plus a little more time) to handle things she needs. If no money, talk to her about using her income to move into assisted living or a nursing facility where people can help her 24/7. She may have no desire to live with either of you, nor disrupting your lives by having either of you move in w/her.
If living between the two of you is an option, from your/sibling's perspective, then tell her that. You want her there because it's getting to hard, and not so safe, to stay home alone anymore. She may agree to it now. You/sis could rotate this arrangement while her mind is still good.
thanks for letting me vent!
If you moved into mom’s home, how long will it be before you resent being at your mom’s house?
How long will it take before your husband resents your decision to move into your mother’s home? Would he go with you?
Would you want someone caring for you knowing that they are resentful?
I couldn’t ask my children to care for me. I don’t want to burden them. I would rather others care for me.
If your heart isn’t in it, you can’t do it. It’s hard enough for people who want to care for their parents full time.
My mom lived with us because she wasn’t able to live alone.
Mom absolutely hated being a burden on us, but was fearful of living in a facility too.
It’s hard on them and hard on us, tough all around.
Would I do it again? Mom lost her home in Hurricane Katrina. She did not have money to last in assisted living and I could not have even looked at nursing homes in the midst of the aftermath of a major catastrophic storm!
So she would have at least have had to be with me temporarily. I would not be a full time caregiver for as long as I did (15 years) if I could do it over.
Daughter1930’s father was a wise man! In our case it absolutely changed the dynamics of our relationship.
I am not telling you what to do. That is your decision. You asked for our stories and I shared mine with you.
I wish you all the best and truly hope you find what is best for you.
I know you are worried about mom. Sometimes, they make decisions that hurt them. And we pick up the pieces, enabling them to do what they want, while we pay for it.
No scenario is pleasant, whether it's leaving family for them, or letting an emergency happen before they get the care they need.
Its difficult either way.
The ideal would be for them to willingly get a professional caregiver. But sadly, they choose not to.
Big hug
Your mom is going to need more help than you and your sister can give her remotely. Sounds like she needs some assistance. Could hire a part-time caregiver to do a few things for/with her. When that is not enough, she will at some point need more in home care or will need to go to a nursing home. Of course she wants to live alone and stay in her home. No one wants to live in a nursing home. Yuck. BUT at some point it often becomes a NECESSITY, whether anyone like the idea or not. Safety is the priority.
My mom has lived with me for 5 years and it's put a HUGE strain on our relationship. If I could go back in time, I NEVER would have done it and will NEVER do it to my children.
in with her. And I agree with alva and Joann—if she is not cooperative, you will have to wait for an emergency to happen & use it as your avenue to move her to assisted living or long term care.
There are ways to help mom without leaving your family. Like assisted living. She can have the care she needs. And you can stay with your family who needs you.
Find a place that has good care, and activities, and nice and clean.
Wish you the best
Like Alva says you may have to wait until something happens. She winds up in the Hospital, the rehab. Then u have her evaluated. If 24/7 care is recommended then the choice is made for her, an AL or LTC.
The time may be here that Mom needs to be placed in care. If she is competent still in her own decisions, however, you cannot make that decision for her. It will be made when the inevitable happens, an accident, a fracture, something which WILL come. If Mom has some dementia it is already dangerous for her to be on her own, and if there is no POA in place, guardianship will be needed for placement.
I am so sorry. The truth is that your Mom is 95. Today it is not unusual for some elders to make it to 100, and we have a person on Forum who has a relative living at 107. Will you give up the family who needs you? I hope not. I am so sorry for how tough this decision is. I am thankful you have a sister and the two of you are so supportive of Mom and of one another. I wouldn't continue to see "moving in with Mom" as an option, and wonder what your own family currently says about that idea?
Thanks again.