This may be a totally inappropriate topic for this board. But I figure, I have come to know and trust these people, so what the heck. My ALZ dad was in rehab for a couple weeks a month ago. While there, I got to know one of his physical therapists and felt the closest connection I had felt with someone for a long long time. My dad then went back to the hospital then back to the nursing home where she worked, though I didn't see her as she didn't work on the nursing home wing. As we moved my dad out yesterday to a memory care, I ran into her for the first time in a month and the rush of feelings came back. As my dad is no longer at that facility, I will never run into her again, but would like to somehow keep up some dialogue or at the extreme ask her out. Am I way off base here? Is this a totally inappropriate thing to be thinking? Or is there some action I can take? I do have her contact info from a business card, but don't want to contact her inappropriately. She doesn't wear a ring or appear to be attached, though one cannot know that.
I guess I have mixed feelings about this, but if your father isn't a patient there, I don't see any reason why a relationship couldn't develop if you're both interested. However, she may be a bit hesitant in the event that your father ever does return, and that could constitute a conflict of interest.
I think the biggest issue though is whether she reciprocates your feelings.
I've found that staff in medical situations can be very friendly, but it's only part of their job. They're still very professional, and reserve or limit interaction with parents and their families.
I'd be interested in reading what others' think about this situation.
This could just be my thing, but just a thought to ponder in case there is some sort of "PT super charisma" that can cloud one's judgement as to whether this could truly be a potential romantic interest or new friend.
Being asked out in a professional setting is at the very low end of that #metoo scale! But I do think it's something to keep in mind. So I think you need try to take it out of the professional setting all together.
I would suggest definitely doing the asking by e-mail, if you're going to do it (which gives her time to respond without being put on the spot), keep it VERY light (no big declarations) and be very polite! And if she says no, continue to be very light, polite....and let it go. (Meaning don't be persistent, otherwise it crosses a line into harassment territory. Also don't pursue it if she doesn't answer.) I'd also suggest being slightly apologetic, if her work e-mail is the only one you have. Maybe say something about how you wouldn't have sent it to her work e-mail, except that you didn't have another contact address for her.
(I've gotta admit, there are so many roadblocks today it's a mystery to me how people ever manage to get together)
I'm not saying this IS the case, and I'm not saying NOT to go for it. I've met almost everyone I ever dated through work! I'm just saying be aware of the woman's potential concerns when going forward.
No to the e-mail.
There was one month, maybe she was not on your mind?
But then you saw her again.
Ok, if you are looking for a match, or just a date, you need to act like it. No worries about the "metoo" movement, because you are not asking her to undress, have sex. It would be totally her choice if she said yes.
Send the nicest bouquet of flowers to her at work, elaborate. There are roses (colors) designated for friendship. Add an elaborate thank you card, addressing only her, with your phone number on it. Then add your e-mail.
If she thanks you by e-mail, forget it.
If she phones you up, with a smile in her voice, talks awhile, ask her to join you for coffee.
What would I know anyway.
Often when a person is overwhelmed with caregiving they are so starved for simple human kindness that simple compassion from a staff person, can trigger desire. I am not just talking about sexual desire, but the need to have understanding human companionship. It is not appropriate to act upon, it can put the employee's job at risk.
Showing up with a big bouquet and card is over to top inappropriate. Most staff in medical environments are not allowed to accept gifts. A simple thank you card is appreciated. If it was her work that you appreciated, then a letter of appreciation to her employer is a nice gesture.
You need to look elsewhere for companionship.
Having worked in medical offices myself, (we can no longer use "me too" in a conversation), and never had any advances that were inappropriate, you are exactly right. "Showing up would be inappropriate".
That is why I said "Send flowers". (Delivery).
This gentleman is trying for a relationship, not trying to just thank her. If that were the case, he would be sending a plant to the office staff with a 2x3 card saying "Thank You" if it were just her work he appreciated.
The language of flowers is unmistakable. She would not be put on the spot if the flowers were delivered, imo.
What if she is "the one?".
Can he give her the chance to say "No"?
Again, the language of flowers would dictate, (just like in the movies), if she doesn't want a date, is offended, she can dump the flowers dramatically, in front of her co-workers, in the nearest office trash can and not reply at all. imo.
I give up giving advice; if romance is this hard now, one has to walk on eggshells, overthink things, consider the #metoo movement; maybe the men should just all give up seeking.
Reuben and Rachel, 1871 by Harry Birch (one version):
Reuben Reuben, I've been thinking, what a fine world this would be....if the men were all transported, far beyond the Northern Sea.
to be continued.....
I do think there is room for romance in the professional world. I just think it has to be approached differently - more cautiously and with great respect for the person with the least power in the situation. The potential for abuse of power is still prevalent. And again, the huge and sad history of women's experiences of workplace sexual harassment means it's men who are going to have to adapt, whether or not they've been players in that game. If men are uncomfortable with that, then they need to hold other men to acount for their behaviour until change occurs.
I offered one approach that most women I know would be comfortable with. While the concept of email may seem unromantic to some, it avoids putting the woman on the spot and also gives her a record if her "no" causes backlash for her. Again, I'm not saying THIS guy is "that guy." I'm saying he should probably adapt his approach BECAUSE of "that guy."
Your mental and physical health and well being as a caregiver are VERY significant, and interaction with friends, or someone who's more than a friend, can make a very big difference in your life.
Since my father passed, I've had a chance to get together with family for meals out, and it's helped me tremendously. I feel more centered, less anxious, and more decisive. On the other hand, I'm probably eating too much delicious food!
One of the e-mail and wired or wireless device limitations is that you can't see someone's expression unless you're interacting through photographic devices. It's easy to misunderstand someone's position just from text transmissions.
I think a very short, light email saying you appreciated her care of your father and you'd love to get coffee sometime if she had any interest. Include all of your contact info and let her respond. If she doesn't, oh well. You tried, which is all you can do. And for Pete's sake, keep us posted on what does or doesn't happen! We can live vicariously through you. Good luck!! :)
I wouldn't write an e-mail, as the lovely lady may not remember who you are as she has a lot of clients who come and go during the week, constantly changing. I would be more impressed if a fellow came to me with a thank you card, and ask me some basic physical therapy that I could use for my Dad.... if that goes well, then light heartily ask me if I could like to go out for lunch. But then again, I am old fashioned.
there.
This has absolutely nothing to do with the metoo movement in my opinion. It's a man attracted to a woman who wants to get to know her, period.
I get hit on a good amount and even though I consider myself quite the independent feminist, I'm never upset or put off about being considered attractive to someone as long as the approach is genuine, and they're understanding if I'm not reciprocating. I always say you have to take the chance.
Maybe AC isn't about relationship advice, exactly, but no harm in asking your question. Good luck!! I'd love to know what her reply is to your email if you want to come back and post about it!
Received an email back saying if I do find myself in that facility again, please stop by her office to say hi. So perhaps I am keeping the dialogue going. Will wait a while before emailing back.
Just be careful Karsten. Protect yourself. Don't spread your seeds around unless you have money to pay support for 18 years.
Boy, I worry for my two teenage nephews.
Karsten - This definitely sounds promising! Sounds like you are taking things just right. Hope you will let us know what happens! Don't let the seriousness of the discussion scare you off, lol.
As for this Metoo movement. I think it's wonderful if men learn something, anything from all this but my guess is maybe not Harvey Weinstein, but Matt Lauer, C. K. Lewis, Ryan Seacrest and all those other morons will be out there again making money in the public eye and everyone will just let it go. Wasn't there a basketball player who was accused of rape. Kobe Bryant, who I saw accepting an award for some documentary he did. Everyone seems to have forgotten that little gem from his past.
The only way change is ever going to happen is if Mothers and Fathers teach their children to respect the opposite sex from age one on. Period. The media could do their part too if they would stop sexualizing girls and boys. And people, men and women should respect themselves enough not to allow themselves to be seen as just sexual objects. Just my take on things.
I have to admit I would have said don't email. Leave it to chance.
Well, I'm glad you had a nice polite reply back.
Do me one favour. If you do, genuinely, happen to find yourself passing her office; and it does, genuinely, happen to be around the time of her coffee break... lovely!
Just don't make a t1t of yourself, eh? Bear in mind that attractive, pleasant PTs get an awful lot of compliments from people whose elderly family members they are caring for. Don't read any more "she likes me!" into the situation than is really there.
Gershun, you raised some very significant, relevant points. Parents bear a large responsibility for instigating respect in their children, but children and teens are also exposed to peer pressure, which often lacks any common sense at all. And then there's the tv and all the silly programs with people hopping in and out of bed w/o even getting acquainted, and as often as one might go to the grocery store.
TV programs are unfortunately, in my opinion, contributors to negative and disrespectful patterns of behavior by both sexes.
One of the very negative trends I've noticed since the last election and so much focus on the romping and indiscreet POTUS is that local newscasters are dressing more provocatively, to the point of looking like fools. I've not seen as much of this though from the prolific and apparently unlimited source of commentators.
One particular local newswoman is now wearing clothes that probably at least 1 if not 2 sizes smaller, seems to had implants or is putting giant balloons under her bodice, and is wearing skirts well above her knees.
She's an attractive woman, but now she looks like a fool.
I was thinking about this even more as I watched the news of Barbara Bush's death. Although I wouldn't necessarily have agreed with her husband's policies, I still think she's a "class act", as are the other women of past Presidents. They're all professionally dressed.
CeeCeeisme, you've suggested a good way to handle the first get-together, stating up front that it's not necessarily a lead-in to a more serious relationship.