What is a reasonable amount of time to take care of mother-in-law's needs?

JessieBelle, Your first answer was right on.
Dear Abby used to say, "There are few things worse than being alone, and you found one of them."

When a person shows you who he is, believe him. Maya Angelou, I think. If OP wants a marriage, she needs to look elsewhere. If the status quo is tolerable, at least the guy is not a rat, but she will NEVER come first.

"It is never too late to change the trajectory of one's life." ohreally51, I'm not one for catchy sayings, but THIS statement is one I've copied to make sure I don't forget it! When I think of the various questions we see posted here, this sentence is probably relevant to at least half of them. I don't know if you came up with this statement yourself, but either way thanks for sharing it!

You know, JessieBelle, I don't think it is a matter of being 'guilty'. We all probably have done things in our lives we wish we'd done differently. I just think as long as any of us think of it as an excuse to keep doing it, then we limit the quality of our life and stay stuck in the mud, doing it over and over till we are dead. When you think about what you'd want for your own kid, hold that in contrast to some of the decisions that you make for yourself. What would your advice be to a child that you wanted the best for? Do the same for yourself. Expect more and you'll get more. I have been married to the wrong person - twice. I was abused as a kid and therefore it was difficult for me to see when I was younger that I was worthy of more than I settled for, believing my own mother's nasty comments repeatedly in my ear. I had to go through counseling and apply what I learned to my self. I actually cannot fathom now what I was willing to put up with; I am actually a different person. I have been married to the love of my life for fourteen years now. He has also been married before. Both of us could have used the excuse that we had had such bad marriages we weren't willing to do that again. I would say if you feel that way (anyone) then they aren't worthy of living with you, having you cook for them or clean for them and most certainly, NOT taking care of their family members! My now husband once brought up living together. I told him no, that the love we have is the kind that deserves commitment and I am a woman who deserved that as much as he did. He tells me all the time that he "must have been nuts" to have suggested that and he is so glad I put my foot down. It is never to late to change the trajectory of one's life. It might be more difficult at certain times of life, but not impossible.

Seems like "fiancé" and "mother-in-law" are mutually exclusive terms. No marriage - no mother in law. Right? If you are trying to sort out the moral question I believe that the answer to the question will be a direct reflection of your personal spiritual beliefs. You have to seek your "higher power" and come away following after peace. To your own self be true. If you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim - whatever faith journey you are on will provide the answer to your question without consideration of the psychological dynamics of the family. It is arriving at what is the next right thing for YOU to do regardless of the opinions of the people around you and the "mother-in-law."
Whatever you do, - do not operate in conditional love....."I will love you if" kinds of approaches. Just decide on the right thing and do it - if it provides YOU with peace. Without authority there is no responsibility. That's the other thing to remember also. I pray you will make wise choices that minister peace and leave the rest to God.

Another aspect that troubled me about this post was the subordination of the children's needs to that of the live-in BF's mother. If the kids were growing up with some element of a male father figure at some point in their lives, that has now changed and they would be seeing their mother's needs subordinated to those of the BF's mother. They may even think that's the way life is, growing up conditioned to accept the same treatment their mother has been accepting. To me that's not an acceptable life lesson for children to view and accept.

Jessie, you raise a good point, so I reread Jmotherofjohn's post and agree that there are some issues that are insightful.

I think what made me suspect as I read the OP's post are these conflicting sentences, which makes me wonder about a lot of things. ( I remember that you wrote once that you don't like quotes that are "used against" the OP, but I'm just trying to point out some inconsistencies.)

"I have always felt that his mother comes first, and my children & I come last."

There could be a better balance, with time allocated for both.

"We are not the priority at all- he won't leave her alone on holidays, won't go on vacations because she's be alone, won't consider moving, because there is no one to care for her. Calls her every night before bedtime, gets calls all the time at work because she needs something done, she gets her Christmas tree up first, gets her spring lawn care done first, gets her house repairs & renovations done first, while our house sits & falls apart. ...

but I know that I have always come 2nd in his life. He has never cut the apron strings. ... When I talk with him about this he tells me I am selfish and that it is horrible of me to expect him to "abandon" his mother. He doesn't understand that we are a couple & a family, and should come first." ....

See the obvious inconsistency in the OP's position that makes me wonder about this situation and tend to equate it to the similar post?

So many of the posts here, including mine, gave the same advice. jmotherofjohn's message made me think that we could be looking at this wrong. What if the man had been taking care of the woman all these years while she raised her children? And what if now he needed to help his mother, but the fiancee wanted to keep him all to herself. That is a very different way of looking at things. Maybe she didn't marry him because it would have stopped some financial support she was receiving. I am afraid I am guilty of reading things into the original post based on my own experience.

Very much so, GA.

Veronica, I don't think they ever went out of season. One never knows when they'll appear.

It's interesting that there was recently a post almost identical to this one. Someone living with a guy called him her fiancé. She was anything but. As I recall he was paralyzed and got a new caregiver and the "fiancé" was sent packing.

This post reminded me of that other one, in which the woman was repeatedly advised to move with her life.

Are trolls in season again?

You've been his fiance for 16 years? I've got news for you---he's not going to marry you because he is married to his mother. Why have you even stayed with him for so long?

He is doing all the stuff for his mother because he wants to, not because he has to. If things in your house need to be taken care of, hire somebody to do them and pay for them out of your joint account. Maybe when he sees his wallet being sucked dry on repairs that he could do for practically free, he'll change his ways.

OP appears to have left the site.

You say he is your fiancé and you've been with him for 16 years, but he's been helping to raise your children for 10 years....does that mean he and you have been living together for 10 years? Living in a house YOU owned, it sounds like? Have you ever discussed your feelings and concerns about the amount of time he helps his mother, before this post? In other words, does he have any idea how you feel? Walking away without an opened attempt at working on things, doesn't seem like the right thing to do. Another question would be....what are the laws in your state for common law marriage? If you've been living together long enough, perhaps the law already considers you married, which gives you more leverage down the road. Wondering how old your kids are too?

In a marriage....especially a Biblically based marriage....one is vowing that the new spouse comes before anyone else in their lives together. Which doesn't mean he does NOT honor and care for his parents...or now his mother. BUT, IF you are willing to work on this, and discuss your concerns and feelings with him, then there needs to be a plan put in place, whereby your needs, your kids needs and your own property all get taken care of properly. Does he have POA for his mom? In other words, a legal ability to be paying her bills, using her money to cover expenses etc? If he does, and there are resources available, there is no reason why people cannot be hired to meet some of her needs....rather than it always being him. There is no logical reason why he cannot also plan time to care for your own home repairs and/or arrange for help to come in and do that either. And no reason why he could not arrange some type of respite care, be it hired help or other family members, to be responsible for Mom while you and he and kids go off on a vacation a couple times/year. Those are all reasonable expectations for you have, BUT if you've not ever discussed any of this with him and you are silently tolerating the behavior all this time and feeling resentful, he really cannot be blamed for not getting the hints and picking up on your feelings. He is just continuing to react to his Mom the way he has all his life, and may think you are perfectly happy with the plan, since it was in place when you two first met?! In her 90's, she cannot live much longer, but there may be years past her death of dealing with and quibbling over all the properties etc, so I don't advise just trying to sit it out and wait. This is what I would do....
1. If never discussed any of this, plan a discussion and ask for what you need. Be willing to compromise and also listen to what he needs/wants and meet in the middle.
2. If you have expressed your resentments, concerns, needs and wants, then, depending on your legal situation re: are you considered married; do you own the home you are in, or do you both own that home and any other legal areas....you need to decide if YOU want to wait it out or force him out of your home and life.

3. As someone suggested, if you feel YOU want out and want him gone, PLAN that....by accumulating your own little nest egg to hold you over. If you do not work now, determine what you can do, alone to take care of your kids and how you can make it in your home that you are in and love....and don't act rashly.

4. Obviously IF you are considered married at this point, you have some legal leverage you can use, and you may need advice of an attorney to help you with your planning.

5. If you decide to stick it out and wait, how about becoming a little more assertive? Do you have the money to simply say you are going to hire someone to do repairs on your own home, since he is busy with Mom? Can you decide on your own, that you are planning a vacation time, and invite him to join you with planning for his Mom's care while gone away, but making it clear that if he won't go, you are taking the kids and going by yourself, because you, also are a human being and deserve 'breaks'? And then, actually just do it? Let him experience life without you around, and see that you are lovingly going to take care of you and the kids and not be resentful, but that you can do it without him if he chooses not to go? Maybe he needs to feel what it's like without you carrying on with everything else while he is caring for Mom? But I would not fight about it. I would simply say this is the plan, and then make it the plan and do it.
6. IF he is living in YOUR home, and you are not considered legally married and his name is not on the house, then you have a lot more power....whether or not you work, because this is your property and your asset and you can decide he cannot live there. A bit harder if he works and you do not and so it's his money keeping your life going though. However, IF you would be declared legally married at this point, and it's a common law state, you have a right to spend HIS money, as it's half yours, whether he thinks so or not....so there is some legal leverage there.

At any rate, these are the steps I would take to try to get some kind of agreement formed as to what the future would hold....and I would not be having a war over it, to escalate things....but if he was not going to listen, then I would have to look at all my own legal rights, and get advise as to what the right action was going forward. And, for me, personally, I would NOT stay in a situation that was making me unhappy, just on the outside belief that once Mom died, there would be a sale of property, with money coming in for your part of the bigger family and that all would be well at that point either.... THAT would not be good enough for me. I would either be 'waiting it out' as an informed partner in a plan I agreed with that had been discussed....or I would be out of the relationship because love is much more important than money....and, as the mother of children, I would want to be the very best role model I could be for them.

First of all, since you are not married this woman is not your mother in law. Your needs, including a real commitment from this guy that would protect your rights and insure your own future, are not being met. You sound a bit too grateful that he helped raise your kids and I am sorry, but I think he knows it. I would rather figure out a way to take care of myself and my own family than depend on him and be hooked into this situation that you are allowing yourself to be roped into. Lay down the law about what you need and what you are willing to give and do. You will find out what he's made of pretty soon. He should make you his WIFE and you should come FIRST.

I had a similar relationship my then-fiance - and his sister. He was raised by his domineering sister because their parents were very dysfunctional. His sister was always calling him, always wanting to know what he was up to, etc. He would drop everything - and me - race over to be with this sister if she needed something done. He wasn't putting me a priority - and that wasn't going to change after we got married. Even after we would marry, his sister would never accept me because she felt threatened by me from day one of my strong relationship with her brother. You've been with him for 16 years and how often has he put you a priority? What makes you think he'll ever change? He won't. You have to decide how much longer are you willing to be number two. Just imagine how devastated he'll be after his mother does pass away. He'll be inconsolable. Are you ready to handle this? Thank God I didn't marry my then-fiance because I realized I deserve so better. I deserve to be number one in my man's life just like he's number one in my life.

Just wondering--was the word "mousaleum" simply a misspelling or an allusion to the mice heard in the wall?

Sorry - I'm in NO position to claim etc., I mean.

I don't think you're being selfish. I think you're just very tired of playing second fiddle and you've had just about enough of it.

But to look at your question: "what is a reasonable amount of time to take care of MIL's needs?" That sounds like you're searching for the basis of an argument (argument as in case to make, not as in stand-up row, that is) to put to your fiancé in the hope that he will see the light and reconsider his priorities.

Well, now. There is reasonable, as the average person would see it - e.g. perhaps a couple of hours two evenings a week, and a day or two every weekend or every other weekend, something like that. But then there is normal and habitual in your own particular family's situation. And I can't see that any argument, no matter how diplomatically and reasonably put, is going to bring about the radical change you're aiming for.

There you are as a family, trundling along for over a decade, you see; and suddenly it's not good enough and you want to veer off in a whole new direction? It isn't that I don't agree that it's not good enough, it's just that it seems a bit late in the day to expect much alteration in your MIL's or your SO's habits.

So then it becomes a question of deciding whether you value the *whole* of your history with this man enough to stick it out with him; or whether you really can't take any more and you'd do better to call it a day.

I must say, though I'm in position to claim I know what makes a good relationship, that if this man has over the years combined being a good stepfather and being a model son pretty well, then he sounds like a keeper to me. Are there any small, significant things he could do differently that would make you feel better about the whole situation? Maybe baby steps are the way to go?

Unfortunately this is a situation that often happens in families, it did in mine, fiance status aside. Those siblings that are not providing are more than willing to leet one do it, while their inheritance continues to stay intact because the caregiver sibling is not being paid for care or other assistance provided to the parent. Does his mother pay him to be at her constant beckon call? If she did would you feel differently? How does he feel about inheriting his Mom's house? Is it to be solely his or shared equally with his siblings?

You are fighting a losing battle, while he is preserving his sibling's inheritance. Figure out your options. Insist on his mother hiring at least some of the help she needs. Find a reliable handyman for starters.

First assess whether you can financially live without him. Most importantly, could you survive without his financial contribution got at least six months. If not, start an emergency fund for six months of your family's expenses.
But the real question is whether you believe he will ever put you first? My second question is what will happen to him when his mother dies. Will he fall apart? If so, do you want to pick up the pieces of his grieving?
Resentment can destroy your relationship and your soul. What are your children learning about relationships from you?
These are questions only you can answer. But I do that the person who decides to leave a relationship tends to suffer more before he/she leaves. Once she leaves, then that burden has been lifted. Your responsibility is to you and your children.
Best of luck.

This is an unfortunate situation. Did he really help you raise those children you mentioned? Was he always your first priority over the children? I know it stinks, but turn about is fair play. I am not saying you are selfish but you said he gave you 10 years helping raise your kids..... well.... now he needs you to give the next 10 to help his mom out of this world. She probably won't live past 100.... Sounds like the property is worth some money too. You should maintain and consider it like any other investment. You can not make his other siblings contribute .... resenting them will get you no where fast. Try to focus on the things you can improve. Once the mother is gone? I imagine he will care for you in the same way as he does for her.... maybe there will be enough money to hire maintenance persons to keep up the properties when she is gone.

This is so sad. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your fiancée will be ready to make a home and family with you when his mother dies and not before. If you are willing to wait, wait. If not, kick him out. I'm guessing he'll be back around after Mommie Dearies dies.

If you have been together 16 years and never married you yet calls you his fiance' that sounds to me like he has commitment issues. He will not change so you have to decide if you want to. It is reasonable that he is there for his mom as any loving responsible child would be, but seems like things are out of balance on that front. As for the home and camp the family will no doubt sell after mom dies and not before. Once she is gone im sure they will most likely want the money out of them, but not before mom passes.

I agree that you are being ignored. If this were a short-term situation, then it would be okay. But this has gone on for years. It's time to say this is what I will put up with - you can, of course, help care for your mother, but you need to hire some in-home care for her or sell the house and find her assisted living.

What he is doing is excessive unless he had no other relationship. I know that this is tough for you after giving him so many years, and relationships need compromise, but you are the only one compromising. As someone here said, it may be time to cut your losses. You could suggest join counseling first but my feeling is that he'll refuse.

Please update us on how your are doing,
Carol

Selfish is not a word that comes to mind in your situation.
I absolutely agree with JessieBelle's comments. His mother trained him well and he is still terrified of Mommy dearest so nothing is going to change.
Is your family living in a house you own? If so help "fiancee" pack. He has never taken responsibility for you and your children.

This sounds like my ex and me, but the person in our case was his daughter. His whole life was spent doing things for her. Bad thing is that she and her own ex-husband bad-mouthed me all the time to him. It destroyed our relationship. Now we don't even talk and I hate what they did to me.

I would say to cut your losses and move on. The way things happened for me I lost everything when I got away from it. I wish you could have back the 16 years you spent on him. It sounds like a losing battle to me. Go for what you need. His ties to his old family are too strong and you come in a distant second -- speaks very poorly for this relationship. I've been where you are and there is no winning.