After the stress, burnout, guilt and all the other negative emotions you have delt with. When the grief has calmed down, do you find that you can regain your life back? After all the years of the constant stress, work and messes you kind of loose yourself. Seperation from your friends, things you used to do and are now left with an empty bedroom and you are worn out, can you take your life and health back? I know a lot of you have done your duty, but stay on this board to help support the rest of us. Any input on your personal experiences you can share with us?
I'm doing good most of the time but I still have moments where I cry with loneliness for Mom. I thought I would be better about Mom passing but for some reason I'm finding it much tougher than I initially thought I would. Even as I'm typing this I'm crying. That's what I mean, I think I'm fine and then I can cry for no apparent reason. It's not happening as often but it still hits me out of the blue. After talking it over with someone, they suggested that when my Dad passed away I had to immediately take care of Mom and that maybe I didn't really grieve properly for Dad and that I'm actually grieving for both of my Parents right now. Don't know if that's true or not. My friends who always remained loyal throughout my years of caring for Mom are still here and still insist on me going out with them to movies, dinner etc..I'm am lucky in that respect. I know it will just take time - it is after all only just over 4 months since Mom passed. In July I went to the Doctor because I thought I had something wrong with me, I was so tired all the time. Getting up in the morning, I felt like I'd not slept at all. I thought I had Diabetes or something but after some tests, turns out that I was fine. My Doctor thinks I was emotionally exhausted as well as physically wrecked from all the years of caring - it takes it's toll. Somehow you keep going on adrenelin for the funeral etc but then it hits you like a ton of bricks. I'm still in the grieving process and I know Christmas will be tough but spring will hopefully bring with it, new challenges and a chance to evaluate and decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. Till then I'm just letting life carry me. Sorry for the rambling post.
When I was growing up, now that I look back and am close to the age she was when she lost him, she made time - always - for friends. She lived very close to our family (right around the block) but she was really too young to totally immerse herself only in grandchildren. She told me once that she never cared about dating - "once you have had the best you don't want anybody else". But she was dedicated to keeping up a social circle, gardening, and spending time with us, especially me.
I asked her when I became an adult how she coped with losing him so well. She said she didn't, at first. But she just decided that she would never turn down a social invitation because "if you refuse to go people will stop asking you to". That anecdote served me well in my life. I went through a very tough divorce not much later after she said that to me. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Work and my children were all I could really manage. I didn't care for a while if I just died. But what she taught me is to put one foot in front of the other, whether you WANT to or not. Feelings may follow, which you can't control, but actions can be taken just by determination.
If your life has revolved around someone else, no matter what the circumstance, and that is inevitably yanked from you, don't give in to the urge to hibernate, turn down offers to go out or allow yourself to sink into depression. Get professional support if you need it and make yourself move. Exercise physically. Don't drink too much. Eat well. Try to laugh. Eventually you will discover there is life out there. God bless.
My dad died May 11, 2013. He had been living with me in a house that I rented for the sole purpose of taking care of him. It never felt like a home, just a necessity, but I did my best to make homey.
When my dad moved in it was a whirlwind, so stressful. I didn't have time to stop and think about anything. But after a while I began to realize that the roof over my head depended upon my dad's health and I began to realize how precarious that was. My stress level increased.
Eventually the day came where he went into a NH. He was in liver failure, had swelling of the brain, and was unable to walk. While all of this was going on I had to find another place to live because financially my dad and I had been roommates and his pension had to go to the NH. And with a new place to live I had to find another job. Another job aside from caring for my father because I realized that just because he was in a NH didn't mean that my caregiving ended. It just got different.
He died after 6 months in the NH. I thought I had grieved for him while he was still alive although I knew his actual death would still hit me. I wasn't prepared for how hard it hit. For years I was my father's daughter. His best friend. His caregiver. His nurse. His advocate. His bookkeeper. His business manager. His pharmacist. And once he died I was......free? Is that the right word? I don't know.
I don't know if I went back to my old life. That life ended years ago when my dad moved in with me. But I have tried to create a new life. A new apartment. A job. My dad never got to see our new place so this apartment is totally separate from my dad. And by the time I got a job my dad's cognitive abilities had decreased and he was angry that I had a job. He wanted me with him all the time. I definitely don't miss that.
Did I regain my life back? No. But I did make a new life.
My moms been gone one year and seven days. It took seven months for me to settle her estate - five months now of me not knowing how to live my own life again. I keep thinking it will come back. I don't know - maybe it will. But for now - I'm pretty lost.
Once I hit adulthood (actually, inappropriately sooner), I thought I knew every pathetic thing about my low-functioning family.
Then the last 5 years happened.
More is more alright. Whew.
Lotsa nature and nurture to overcome. Which is something I've always known.
For many years, I was up for the challenge. Now I'm off-kilter.
And if I stay in this chute, I'm just another defective kook from the XXXXX family. 😐
Its tough. Its almost 11 months since my dad passed and I too feel lost. All my siblings have moved on but me. I am still torturing myself about what I could have done for my dad.
The house feels so empty without him. I've never felt lonelier in my life. Everyone keeps telling me to make a new life. To live my own life. But I don't know what that looks like. I've always been the helper in my family and since my dad's passing, I don't even want to be that.
I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep hoping there will be a spark or a glimmer of something that might get a hold of me and carry me through another day. I know life is precious but sometimes I wish there was something or someone to make things better.
You can reclaim your life, but slowly. I'm dealing with regaining my health at the moment. The chronic pain is still there, but relieved that I don't have to travel 100 miles to take care of my mother any longer. My mother is at peace now and I am glad I was able to be there for her; especially at the end which, sadly she suffered quite a bit, but I was able to facilitate end of life hospice and was with her day and night to comfort her.
Friends have fallen by the wayside as the caretaking and chronic pain did cause isolation from the outside world. I'm sad about that, but do have some true friends who understand. We adopted a 5 yr. old dog and he has saved my life. He is the most loving dog in the world and very therapeutic for me. I want and need to return to the workforce, but this is a daunting challenge. You lose a part of yourself in caretaking; but also gain in other aspects. I have three daughters who still need me, even though they are ages 18 - 24. I now have the time to devote to their needs and that feels wonderful and satisfying.
"This too shall pass" was a phrase that helped me and continues to on so many levels. My thoughts and prayers are with you and hugs across the miles.
I'm not sure if I know what normal is. I work hard to help others. I garden. I work on my home. I have someone in my life that I care for, but I honestly don't know what normal is for me. My other brother and I are going to counseling. We're both very honest in counseling. Sometimes the counselor looks at us in disbelief. We come home laughing sometimes because of how the therapist looks at us. Maybe someday I'll get to a different place or maybe not.
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