Let me provide context and I'm sorry for the rant (who knows who will read this, but I guess it's helpful to type it out). I'm 35 years old, have a husband and a 3 year old daughter and my dad is going to be 69 this year. 2 years ago he, unannounced, came to my doorstep (he had lived far away from me) with a uhaul of his belongings and no plan. He said he wanted to move to my area, but had made no arrangements, except cashed out his bank account. He walked around with a cashier's check for 15k and about 3k in cash. I sprung into action, knowing that someone in their right mind would not behave that way. His mother had early onset dementia, and he was a very heavy drinker for many years. I had suspected for a few years that he was slipping (based on what he told me and what his coworkers mentioned), but this was shocking to me. I tried to have him stay with us, but he left after 2 days, and stayed in a hotel locally. I left him alone although I was worried about him. He spent that 15k + all of his social security checks in 2 months until one day I got a call that he had fallen and had hip surgery. I was faced with an impossible decision: spend down the 30k he had left in 401k to get him into a medicaid funded local assisted living facility (I had consulted with doctors in the rehab, and they said he had alcoholic dementia), or just let the state get him into a halfway house and then he would be homeless after he recovered. We had had a great and close relationship prior to this, so he signed a POA and let me do my thing, admitting that he wouldn't be able to do this on his own. I told him that he needed more care than what I could provide him. As he rehabilitated his hip, I questioned whether the ALF was the best fit for him because there were people a lot older than him there, but medicaid and resources are so limited...and he seemed to like the staff (he had a lot of freedom to come and go), so he stayed and rehabbed his hip. I offered to get him a computer so he could research other housing options, told him that we could apply for aid and attendance benefits so that he could go out on his own again, but he refused to come up with a plan on his own...and i wasn't going to make it for him. Things got worse and I became his representative payee with Social Security. He remembered a strange interaction between him and I, that flat out never happened and he publicly said that he hated me for "lying" to him. I haven't talked to him for nearly a year, but have checked in with his nurses. Last week I found out that he had stage 4 lung cancer. When the doctor came out of his room, he said that he also is of sound mind to revoke my POA if he so choses because his dementia diagnosis is questionable. I consulted with the nurse at the ALF and she disagrees with the doctor, as she sees him on a daily basis and thinks that there's no way my dad could be on his own without supervision. The doctor seems to have also made a snap judgement. I am just so confused. I went to the ALF to talk to him, telling him that I'm not sorry for doing the best thing for him, and he threw me out of the room saying I am a liar and thief. I did what was best for him, I know that. I am the ONLY person in his life that he hasn't shut out and that has been there for him. I'm sure that if we had a team of caregivers and I had more time to coordinate things, we could have arranged for a more customized care option, but he was going to be homeless...and continued to show no interest in helping himself, so I did what I thought was best. Now that he is terminally ill, it is really disturbing that this was my last interaction with him. and I can't really bring myself to go there again and face that kind of abuse, but I also feel like I must be there for him physically. How can you remain resilient in the face of someone who is not competent enough to understand their situation and the choices that you were faced with? He said things to me that are haunting and terrible. Although my logical brain says to not believe him, in weak moments I constantly question myself. My husband is so helpful to me so I am thankful for him. But when your parent curses at you and tells you the most horrible things, how do you brush yourself off and go back in there for more? Sorry for the rant, but it did feel good to get off my chest.
But.
You haven't done anything wrong. Your dad is mentally ill. And he is pushing you away the way he's done with everyone else, yes?
I wouldn't pay those words a bit of attention. Arrange for hospice.
Dad has dementia, of this there is no doubt. Many kids who care for their parent with dementia go through the same thing. They can get verbally abusive, accuse you of things you never did, and it isn't you, it's the disease talking. Some go the other way. My Mom was one tough lady, I grew up fearful of her if I ever did something wrong. Now, you would never believe that sweet little thing would ever be capable of instilling fear. She is as meek as a little mouse. Passive aggressive, stubborn, and many other things but she went the other direction. These things are not uncommon. Try not to take what he say's personally, remember it is the dementia. You did do the right thing for him, and in the end, you must believe that in your heart. Sometimes we have to do unpleasant things in life but it is for someone's well being. He cannot survive and make sound decisions on his own, that is why you are the one who will have to listen to his rants. He showed up on your doorstep. You did not actively seek him out and try to take over his life, he in his indirect way pretty much made you responsible by his irrational behavior. I remember having to be the bad guy and take away Mom's driving privileges, all the signs were there, calling me in tears saying she forgot where she parked her car, lots of little fender benders, etc. I had to. I took no joy in that but she was going to end up killing someone or herself! Yes, she was not happy but she did come around finally and admit I did the right thing.
Hang in there, he may not be abusive all the time. If he rants, try to stay calm, do not take it personally, and simply tell him if he continues, you will come at another time when he can be calm. He may catch on.
It's also difficult not to take these things to heart. What you can do is remind yourself that it is him and his damaged brain, and not you. You have no blame in this. Follow your instincts about the best way to help. If he is angry and accusing, it is okay not to visit. That person is not the father you once knew. Seeing him upsets both you and him. I hope that he becomes more receptive to you. You seem to be doing a very good job helping him. I don't know how you could do much better, since he didn't give you a lot to work with. I think you're doing a very good job with things. Wish it could be easier.