I am the only child of a now 95 year old mom. My dad passed away in 2009. My mom has been living alone since then, in her own 1 bedroom apartment, in Brooklyn NY, by her own choice. My wife and I live about 5 miles away from her, also in Brooklyn NY. My wife, who is my 2nd wife, of now over 12 years, and I had been providing help for my mom, as caregivers since we married. I was previously divorced as of 1990, and had moved back to Brooklyn from Staten Island, and was helping my mom take care of my fragile father until he died. I continued to take care of my mom after my dad died. My mom has always expected everything from me, finding fault with everything I did. She has always been extremely critical, negative, and abusive, as long as I can remember. We have never gotten along. My new wife is extremely caring, and devoted. My mom has been abusing her as well from day one. My mom and I had a very bad blow off this past March, and have not spoken since then. I have a married son with 3 children in Arizona, who my mom has put in charge of all of her affairs, a very long time ago, I recently learned. Every time I have tried to keep a civil relationship with my mom, it has failed, since we have had many blow offs in the past. She claims she does not want professional help, which my son and I know she really needs. She is still able to get around, using a walker, and is extremely independent. She does not have Medicaid, so she would have to pay for professional care if she wanted it, which she doesn't. She expects me to be there for her 24/7. Do you have any advice?
Is your son putting pressure on you to become more involved in your mother's care?
I'm confused.
I'm sorry, harsh I know, but he is. If there is one situation I really struggle to have sympathy with, it's that of people who accept a responsibility and then think they can delegate it to others when it comes to the spade work.
Is he a child with whom you have historically been able to have emotional, meaningful conversations with? Can he be excused on the grounds that he couldn't possibly begin to understand how difficult the relationship between yourself and your mother is?
Kanterd or approaching retirement and You and Your Wife need to be spending real quality time together now. Live Your life while You can as in twenty years time You will be approaching Your elder years. Your Mom will settle into the
Care facility You and Your Son choose for Her and grow to love it in no time at all.
Peace to You Kanterd & Your Mom, and I wish You Both well.
All kidding aside, you have no obligation to put up with abuse. If you want, call once a month and if she becomes abusive, say "Okay mom, I'll another time when you're feeling better". Don't engage.
Another thing to look into is "Gray Rock" technique.
I think the main concern for you is to remain on good terms with your son, correct? And your communications with him revolve around his grandmother's needs and how he wants you to do more, correct?
Do not get involved in your mother's care. Make sure your son knows that he doesn't have to be involved in her care, either. He can resign as POA. If he cannot take care of her, he has no right to try to guilt you into doing it.
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