I feel guilty asking this question, but has anyone regretted their decision to let a family member move in? I think I made a mistake.

Face your guilt and tell it to --- back the heck up!!!

18 years in-- full care-- and until recently -- a full time practicing nurse. I'm much to tired to respond..... I'm exhausted. Good Luck and God Bless and keep you all, as you all find what is best for YOU...... and there's only one YOU!!!! And YOU MATTER! If you don't already have a good, strong understanding that YOU matter, ------ Get One---- and if YOU are a believer of Christ, get to know him -- BETTER!!! READ IT for YOURSELF, for complete understanding. YOU need it --- My decision would not have changed -- but I would have done many things differently!

Dealing with a hoarder and dealing with a family member on the downslide are two separate things altogether. We are all sorry about your homeless hoarder you talk about endlessly, but this is AgingCare.com. I don't know why you keep writing about something unconnected with the aging issues....now, just about everyone who engages in caregiving eventually regrets it, regrets it deeply. But when one does go into it with optimism and enthusiasm at first, even so, things will eventually get so so so much worse - and it is important to think ahead of what to do when it gets unbearable. Look into options and do the legal things (POA, will made, how to get going on Medicaid and nursing homes, etc.) and don't wait till you reach the point of utter despair and don't know what to do. That's what happened to me. 'Oh, Mom just needs a little help.'.....Three years later, I was at the point where I sincerely did not want to wake up in the morning any more, and no one at all to help or even give me some advice.

I used to have someone living with me but he wasn't elderly, just homeless. What was supposed to be two weeks turned out to be two years or so and it was wearing on me. I started contemplating how to get him to move but the more I thought about the situation the more I realized there was really not much I can do other than save up enough money to pay him to get out and get his own place. The more I thought on this the more it seemed to be the only way to get rid of him because having the stuff of two people who have the same amount in one small place for one person was just too much. It got so bad I found myself having to climb over stuff just to get through the house. When it got that bad I had to start setting some stuff to the curb but it was only stuff that was in the walkway and making a hazard. It was pretty much his stuff because there was really no where else to go with it and it was definitely a safety risk

Girl, you need to end this triangle. She and your husband sound totally Co-dependant on one another. She's got to go. Now. Your one responsibility is to your husband. The Bible says, that when a person marries, he/she leaves his parents, and should stick to his/her spouse. This is not what's happening in your house. You are not fulfilling your responsibility to your marriage. You will eventually resent him, her, and your marriage, Not worth it. Send her packing, and wish her well.

Yes, I regret the decision to let my mother move in. It actually happened because her rent in the memory care facility was going up all the time. It finally was more than her SS and we can not afford to financially assist her. Hubby talked me into it, "After all, she's your MOTHER." He's Mexican and family is a huge thing for them. His mother told me how sad it was that my mom was there and how she would never want to be in a place like that. But they didn't have to grow up with this narcissistic woman. We never got along and I could do nothing right.

I was told by my surgeon not to do heavy lifting but that's exactly what I've had to do. I guess, when hubs said he'd help me, he meant the cooking, laundry, dishes, etc. (which he does about 90% of the time, thank God.) I've had to speak up about him helping "with her" more. I hope he gets the idea. He cares for her for 9 hours a day on Tuesdays and Wednesdays when I go to work. But today I had a CPR class (mandatory for nurses every 2 years) and I came home at 3 pm to find that she'd been sleeping all day. His excuse-"she'd scream at me to leave her alone when I tried to get her to the bathroom or eat." A lecture on how to be in control of dementia patients followed.

She's in early stage 7 and it's just about more than I can bear. I was anxious about other things before she moved in but, since she's been here, my anxiety level has trippled. I'm filing for Medi-Cal (Medicaid) so, if we just can't take it or do it anymore, at least she'll have a nursing facility to go to.

Sad situation.

When she goes to hospital you have to refuse to take her home. They will pressure you to take her, but you have to say, "No", you cannot provide proper care for her any more.

groldandtired - please. I hear you. You must, you must, you must - get hold of a social worker and arrange for a nursing home. Take your elder to a hospital ER and say they fell down. Say there is no one to take care of them any more.... You must get yourself out of this he*ll. I am amazed you did it for this long, and you should not have done this for more than necessary. Please. Free yourself. Calling the hospital and complaining is useless. You need a social worker, or deposit them in the ER. End this madness.

I think that no one should ever take in their parent and care for them and I hope that my children never take care of me. I am trapped taking care of my mother who never deserved to have me care for her in the first place. She was a horrible mother who left me scarred for life and I had to go through a lot to get past it and have a good life for myself, only to give up my life to care for her. It is beyond awful. I do not want her in my home. My home has not been my own for over 10 years. My life has not been my own since she has been here. Now, she needs 24/7 care. I asked the hospital for help. They don't give a crap. They just expect people to do 24/7 care and then what? I guess I don't work? What the hell are you supposed to do for food? We will likely have our home foreclosed on since there is no way to work around this stupid schedule of hers and needing to just sit and look at her so we're not leaving her alone. So you as a child give up your life and home to care for her so when she is gone you are too old to enjoy your life and home ever again? Bull! Never start taking care of an elderly parent because no one will ever let you out of it. I deeply regret taking her in. It has been horrible and ruined my life. I had hope that the hospital would help because I really cannot do this anymore. They forced me to bring her home again. Now she will never leave and my life is over. I live in hell. What is the point? They should not expect this of two people to do alone. I hate this situation and tell people to run at the first sign anyone wants you to take in an elderly person. The only reward you will get for doing so is to give up your own life, whatever is left of it. Seriously, remember, the decision to "help" your parent is the decision for all intents and purposes to also end your own life because it will not be your life anymore nor will it ever be your house. And it is not any happy, pleasant experience. There are no happy memories from this time, as hard as I try to think of some.

Absolutely,my so called life is working to keep dad happy in a town I hate,but he loves. 7 years into It,iand think he's going to outlive me. I'm 55 he's 87. I do NOTHING but work full time,clean,shop for him etc. This was my ex husband's idea....he bailed 5 years ago. Can't afford a home for dad, I'm so unhappy I'm afraid it will be the death of me

I'm relatively new to this site and I didn't know what to expect when taking care of my Mom and Dad. I worry all the time if I'm doing it right. It certainly not easy and I feel your pain. All I can suggest is do what you and your family think is best and dont worry about what others think. There is no one decision that will please everyone and no one has the correct solution for all situations (not even yourself). Just hang in there and follow your heart and keep learning on how to be the best caregiver you can given your constraints. Be kind, be giving,... do the best you can as your parents probably told you. Mistakes will be made.

64 is young. I am 68 and work as a part time caregiver companion for a 91 yr old. Man.
There are senior citizens looking for roommates to share expenses. Very cheap rent in palm springs palm desert. Flagstaff - Ohio. Even if she has to move away from you all the better. However you may have to help her manage her money and msybe start now
Put her on a budget. Set aside what she would pay for rent, utilties a share of, if not included. Food etc. So she take the money and save it for moving. She needs to understand budgeting now
She could also take a part time.job as companion through agency. No showers assist only. Lite cooking cleaning. Help ambulate drive to stores etc.

Just keep in mind, they get worse and worse. NEVER better. They need care, yes, but don't destroy your own life while giving it to them in your own home.

Taking someone in is not for everyone. People like myself need space and privacy, so I hear you. I've never taken anyone in and I wouldn't want to. I just wouldn't want to give up my whole life for someone else to live with me so I understand. I may not have ever taken in an aging relative but I have taken in a homeless friend many years ago and there came a point where I eventually knew this couldn't go on because I needed my place back. With his stuff and mine, you couldn't hardly get through the house because stuff was in the way and you eventually had to climb over everything just to get through the house. It was so dangerous I had to start setting stuff to the curb and thankfully it was during spring cleanup. There was just no where else to go but out and I had to set some very nice glass 10 gallon tanks to the curb because they were empty anyway and someone ended up picking them all up. I just didn't have no other choice because I couldn't leave them sitting in the yard and I had no garage. When you live within city limits, you must be careful not to junk up your yard. Neither of us had a storage unit so there was just no other way around putting stuff out to the curb for safety's sake because there was just no where else to go with it. When there's not even a foot path, there's a problem. There came a time when I knew it was up to me to do something and I was contemplating whether to save up some money and pay him to move out or just move out from under him but where would I have gone? I would've had nowhere to go being on fixed income and when I took in this homeless friend it was only supposed to be about two weeks and it turned into two years. I never really spoke much on him having to go but one time I got a letter from the management at the time who found out I had my friend living with me. I showed him this letter and it came right around the time I started having that feeling something had to change. Thankfully, he ended up inheriting some money and ended up moving out right around that time. I was not really in much of a position to do anything as I wanted, but God works in mysterious ways and he delivered me from having someone living there who should've long since moved on. He and his mom ended up getting a place of their own and we were able to go out and splurge since none of us ever got to do much of anything anyway. Then a short time later he ended up inheriting more money from another source which made our lives even easier yet. There were no hard feelings when he had to go because it came at just the right time when he inherited some money not once, but twice.

Each situation is different. I understand the stress of having someone living there when your geared more toward space and privacy. I personally like my wide open space in a big place. There's nothing like your home being your sanctuary away from the outside world. However, I think we can all learn something from our mistakes of giving up part or all of our sanctuary for someone else to live there. This can only go on so long if you're anything like me who needs space and privacy. I may not have ever taken in an aging loved one, but I still know the general mistake of taking in anyone, especially when you're on a lease agreement and someone close to you falls on hard times and you really don't want to see them living in a vehicle or under a bridge only to get picked up by cops because around our town, cops will pick up the homeless.

When someone is suffering from dementia, which gets worse and worse as time goes by, setting down rules and expecting them to be obeyed is pretty futile. The diseased brain will not remember or grasp 'rules', and often nasty and difficult come withe dementia. And then, just sticking them in a cheap apartment or rented room is hardly helpful. Which is why many of us are here, to explore options such as AL and NH. Because people with dementia need more care than most of their children can provide.

Here is my take. If you have not already set down very black/white rules, do so at once. Be sure they are reasonable and be ready to enforce them. It is your home and you are kind to allow someone to enter to live there. If they do NOT abide by the rules and are nasty and difficult, your obligation to them must end. Find a very low cost apartment or other place to put them and then make it happen. Be strong. Do not tolerate others causing you problems - it will eventually destroy you and everything around you.

Stuckhi, please realize it is very difficult to take care of an elder who has numerous medical issues, thus there comes a time when they need a HIGHER level of care that an adult child cannot give, or afford.   This is in the best interest of the parent to get the best possible care.

For my Dad [95], it was his decision to sell his house and move into Independent Living/Assisted Living where he would have 24 hour care.   He was happy as a clam in his new environment and said he wished he would have moved years ago.

I am sorry your living with your daughter didn't work out.  Since you wrote you will being going back to work, just curious what "care" did you need?

I was so surprised to read all the children who don't want their parents with them. You should immediately put them in a home of some kind away from you. I'm one of those parents, moved to another state to be "cared for" by my daughter and her girlfriend. Then three months later, the girlfriend decides she doesn't want me either. Now I get to go back to work so I can support myself far from anyone I know or love. And my daughter....no longer wants to upset her girlfriend, has abandoned her mother. Put your parents in a home, if you don't feel you're ready to care for them, let them live somewhere where they feel safe and wanted. You do realize we know when we're not wanted right?

Yes, we all go in on a rosy pink cloud of good will. Mom or Dad just needs a little help! They're welcome to the family, after all, they had US and raised US..... It can work for some Waltons-type families, some religious- type families, other nationalities perhaps. God bless 'em.

Lassie,
You have hit the nail on the head! I can relate to just about every example you have given. DON'T DO IT!

It's NOT that 'oh, Mom just needs a little help, she would do SWELL in our extra bedroom. We'd hardly know she was there! She could keep an eye on the house, the pets, the kids, we all love Dear Old Mom!' Flash forward to the future: Mom is falling down. Mom is walking around naked, defecating on the floor. Mom has taken your car keys and is driving on the wrong side of the street trying to 'get to work'. Mom is up several times a night taking all your dishes out of the cupboard - and setting the stove on fire! Mom needs help to get up to use the toilet, soaks the mattress despite super-strong Depends, goes outside in a snowstorm 'to walk to her friend Becky's house'. Your long-suffering husband says, 'this has to change or I am moving out.' Your long-suffering kids have basically moved out of the house in with friends or relatives. Need I go on?

Never, ever invite someone to live in your home. However, depending on how the home is built, and if you can have an entirely separate living area, it might work but generally the odds are against it. People get sick and old and they get cranky and crabby and demanding. Think first how would you handle them if this happened, What are you willing to do for them? Can you still live a full normal life as you are entitled to do or are you willing to sacrifice that? Think of every single facet of daily life and come up with what you are and what you are not willing to put up with. Then you can think about it but from experience, it rarely works out well. And as to taking care of you in your childhood, this is what parents do - but now it is YOUR turn. Good luck.

126Cher - I have come to the same conclusion, although with a somewhat different set of circumstances. Five years ago, about the time my mother stopped driving, my two older sisters and I approached my mother about moving to the same community where the two of them were already living. The idea was that I would move there too, either with my mother or nearby. We didn't see any alternative at the time. We regretted it every day since yet we still don't see any alternative.

I think we all hoped my mother tell us that she wanted to stay where she was and she'd figure out how to get help there. Or that she would voluntarily go into assisted living in her prior community so she could stay there among her friends. That's what I was advocating for, but my mother became hysterical at the suggestion and my two sisters rushed in to assure her that it wouldn't be necessary.

I don't recommend this course of action to anyone, either. Once you move someone to a new place you become responsible for making that place work for them and making sure they get all their needs met there. I hate that we're responsible for her being in that house. I hate that I gave her the money for the down payment and I can't get that money back. She insisted on buying a house (with no money for a down payment) and as it turned out, we couldn't find a rental in the community with the handicap features she needed. There's so much maintenance involved in owning a house that an elderly mobility-impaired person can't do. It was a terrible mistake, but we were up against a wall.

I would advice everyone to think long and hard, and explore every option (even those the elderly parent doesn't want) before moving them into a situation where you will end up being forced to take more and more responsibility for them as their needs increase and their abilities diminish. Unfortunately, most of us don't start seeking advice from other caregivers until we've stepped in with both feet and there's no way to go back.

My experience was very bad. Unless you like getting up at 5:00 a.m. every single day and at random times during the night, don't do it.

Five years later, mom is in AL and goes to bed at 5:30 p.m. and gets up at 1:00 a.m. No way, I'm doing that! And I would be if she lived here. They don't get better. They decline. I would never suggest moving a parent in with you.

Sorry guys! No good deed goes unpunished! Yes I am sorry to this day that I took my Mother in. But if I did not take her in I would be writing that I should have taken her in. Yes it was a mistake. It seems like a no win situation. Dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.

I moved in with my mother and moved back out again after a year. I am so glad I moved in with her instead of moving her in with me because it's much easier to move out than to ask someone else to move out from a place they've become accustomed to. Plus it's just easier for a younger, healthier person to move.

But living with her - no. I found it vastly increased my resentment towards my siblings because I was doing so much for her and they were doing so little, and even less than before I moved there. My mother had very high expectations of being taken care of 24/7 while I was there, including having me cook all the meals to her specifications. Plus she was so unwilling to share or compromise about anything. Even though I was sharing the expenses and helping her with everything, she felt it was her house and everything should be her way. So many issues I never anticipated. So happy to be living an hour away now!

I am betwixt and between. I offered dad to move in after mom died. I had no choice, he did not have the money to live on his own and no sibling went jumping in to help. I had just gone through assisting 2 other in-laws from afar so how hard could it be? Easier than 7 hour one way drives every 3 weeks I did for none months to help him. I gave him my beautiful home office for his living room and a very nice sunlit bedroom. I have my office in the basement now. We cant just take off like we could before and our love life came to a grinding halt or slow crawl is a better description. Now my daughter and SIL moved in "temporary" to buy a house (that seems so far away at this point). So do I regret it? I can't say I regret it as I am happy I can help him but I do regret not being able to enjoy my wife, my house the way we want it and entertain like we used to. I spent years raising my kids and had one year of empty nest..... Now the nest is overfull and I have no control. Things are not where I put them, nothing gets replaced I have 3 dogs in my house and no one chips in to help with expenses. I have to give dad money every month now and I feel like a cheap carpet being walked on. It is my own fault, I offered and they accepted.... No plan with the siblings to help, no communication either. Do I regret it? Maybe a little.

The long and short answer, yes I completely regret moving my mother in.

Couldn't agree with you more. Move them into assisted living or nursing care instead of wreaking your own life. Sounds harsh but it is true. Don't think that because they changed your diapers as a baby that you owe them the rest of your life. YOU DO NOT!

I just want to say your ALL doing a great job. I too am in the same boat... different ores. I took my dad in because I couldn't bare the thought of him in a nursing home. The father in Law I had, I had met him in a nursing home because he had alzheimer's disease. DIED b/c the nursing home covered a bed sore that turned into the size of a baseball. Poor guy couldn't tell anyone how much it hurt due to his disease. My husband suffered tremendously. My father, almost two years ago was recovering from a broken neck and spine. One more day, he would have been committed. No other family stepped up but me. and at times, I feel like i'm pulling my hair out. My dad has a colostomy he can NOT change.. he is a colon Cancer survivor of 20 yrs. He's had triple by pass, pacemaker, stents and his recent injury was a aortic aneurysm. who beats that? Dad does! I figure, he is here for a reason. he's also fallen down a flight of stairs and broke his nose, he is diabetic. We only have two parents. The one you are caring for is one half of you, don't forget that. I know its hard at times, believe me... i most certainly do. but i'd rather know I did all I could then to sit back and wished I did something...... I've lost a son to a possible murder, never solved. I lost a grand baby as well. Death is final as we know, and it hurts tremendously... but this is LIFE people. This is life. I will watch my dad die.... I have come to that conclusion but do you know what I'll have thereafter? Another Angel. You can't have too many that's for sure. I remember telling a person... that I was caring for my dad... and ya know what they said??!! They said " there is a special place in heaven for you". Funny, that just meant the world to me..... and also, a father who said " you are my hero, you saved my life". Its really what has kept me going so I'm passing all of that on to you, .... and listen very clearly... " there really is a special place in heaven for all of you too!! don't ever forget that"... your parents brought you in, cared for you, raised you and never gave up on you... that is why you stepped up to begin with. They changed our diapers, took us to doctors.... and did that for how many years? MANY... just keep going, God has a plan for you as well.