Regrets after Mom's passing...how do I manage the guilt?

Hi Caremiss, I am so sorry for your loss. You must know that you are human and of course you had times when you said things you may now regret. My goodness-we all do that. The important thing is is that you were there and you did the best that you could with where you were at the moment.
Looking back it is normal to think you could have done better or more of whatever but that is not fair to you. You are not remembering all the emotions and stress and daily struggles you were going through back then. Right now you are missing your Mom and I am sure your thinking is skewed. I mean, I am sure you are going through a lot and, well, just give yourself a break. You are human. A good , caring , loving and flawed human.
Blessings and hugs,
Mishka

there has never in the history of mankind been a relationship with no misunderstandings, or friction. dont expect the impossible from yourself. hospice asked my mom once if her and i got along well. she told them we have occasional differences and it was perfectly normal. its how you clear the air, hit the reset, etc.
you worked hard to help your mother, be kind to yourself..

I am in the process of going thru the same thing Caremiss. Please remember that we are all human and while we did lose our patience at times, we also provided the best care we could. I'm sure if she had been able to tell you, she would have told you how good a daughter (or son?) you were. I have been caregiver for my mother for five years (she has lived with me) and is in the latter stage (incontinent, words are garbled, have to constantly remind her to take every bite of food at mealtime) and I too have lost my patience with her at times. ESPECIALLY shower time. She had a major stroke last Sunday morning and we were too late for the anti blood clotting drug as it happened in her sleep sometime. She is now in the hospital on a feeding tube and my family and I are having to make the decision to wait or not wait to see if she does improve. As we all know, that improvement would be limited because of the Alz. Please don't second guess yourself. I'm sure you did everything in your power to make her last days and months as pleasant as possible for someone with this condition. We know this is a progressive disease and all we can do is make them as comfortable as is possible. I will be praying for you. Please consider going to the bible for guidance and peace on this. Blessings. donnarooty

i sometimes kid about getting carpal tunnel from clenching and unclinching my hands to strangle my mother as BP has her moods all over the board. its ok to kid around and its ok to be human.

I am very sorry for your loss, my father passed away on Tuesday morning so I understand the feeling that you are having. He lived with me the last three months of his life and we also make sure to take him to places, make sure his favorite foods were in the house and doing our best to make him happy.

I want to mention something about guilt, it is anger turned inward. You are angry but you can not bare to express that anger because your brain says it is inappropriate to do so because it is about your parent and/or they are deceased. You maybe angry because you have doubt that you did enough, that you do not believe you really said to them how much you loved them by deed, action or talk, that you made them proud, or any of the thousands other thoughts that go through your head while you say your good-byes. I had those same thoughts.

Forgive yourself for anything that you feel you might have not done enough for your mother and take her at her word. She was happy. She did love you and she did appreciate all of that time that you spent with her up to when it was her time to go. If you do not do this and take her at her word, you will torture yourself needlessly. Trust that you did everything that you could in the time you had. Could you have done more, of course you could and so would we all if we knew what that magic date was when our time was going to be up. However, we do not know, and we do the best we can in the time we have and you would be surprised that most people do not think as badly of us as we think they do. We are much better people than we ever think we are and as long as we act like we wish to be treated it will always be that way. Every time you start to think of what you did not do with your mother, stop and switch to a happy memory. I bet you have more happy memories that you will have things that you do not feel like you crossed off her bucket list. I only have one item that I did not get to on dad's bucket list and I do not think he minded that much.

I'm going through a lot of this now. Mom passed away a little less than a month ago. With time, I suppose it goes away.

When these thoughts creep into my mind, I usually cry for a bit. But then I remind myself that I'm not perfect and I know deep down I did the absolute best I could. There were way more good times than bad and I force myself to think of those. Plus I know mom was a forgiving person. The times that I failed her or was a bit selfish, I know she would never hold anything against me. She never did when she was alive.

Life is like driving a car. It has a great big windshield to look ahead and a quite small rear view mirror to look behind. So focus on what's ahead, learn from whatever you go through, and check the rear view on occasion to remember where you've been. Most of us do the best we can for where we are and that just keeps changing. Guilt is only good to facilitate a change. It's uncomfortable and can help us overcome whatever fear is holding us back. Kind of like a fulcrum on which we can pivot. But not so good for carrying around. Just a lot of extra weight. Often part of the grieving process.

Get in front of a mirror.... Then, tell yourself, "I FORGIVE YOU." You were there for her until the end, and that is what matters. I am deeply sorry for your loss.

To all of you, your thoughtful, comforting words have made a difference . . . even re: the Carpal Tunnel! I will be taking it a day at a time, and will make a point to forgive myself, remember the best parts of the entire experience of her last year. Thank you, thank you again, Caremiss

Caremiss,
You loved her, she knew it. That is all that counts.
I am sorry for your loss.
L

I happened on this forum and though it seems quiet here I feel like I can tell my story and eventually someone will see it and understand. I took care of my dad for the last 10 years. I have four other siblings but ended up taking care when others could not or would not. I moved him into our home and did all I could for him. I have 5 children and a husband and it put so much strain on my family. My dad was my best friend and that relationship began to change over the last few years. I don;' know if it was his anger at getting older and sicker or me pulling away because I didn't want it to hurt so bad. I too have been sick and in and out of the hospital for the last three years and it became so hard to help him when I was too so ill. This past December he began to decline very fast and was in and out of the hospital. I in the meantime went in for a liver biopsy and suffered a cardiac arrest/complete respiratory failure. I was lucky to be brought back from what I was told. I had to put dad into rehab while I got well and promised him he would be home soon, then my mom got dx with breast cancer and we were told a simple lumpectomy. I then went back into the hospital and had to tell my dad a few more weeks dad. I promise. Then my mom had to have another lumpectomy so it became a few more weeks, then she ended up with a double mastectomy. I had no one offer to step up and help me take care of my mom so I had to leave my dad in a nursing home and then hospice until March 22, he passed away at 3:58 am in my bathroom on March 27, My brother the only sibling who would help me drove 900 miles to be there with me to help with my parents. They were divorced, I have a two story house so mom was upstairs and my dad was down stairs. That night after every one went to bed I stayed downstairs on the couch and just waited. I knew that day it was coming. I had called the hopice nurse out earlier that evening and she said he was stable. I was worried about pneumonia. That was around 10:30pm. Just a few hours later I heard him calling me. I went to him and he was fighting to get out of the bed to go to the bathroom, he was so weak he had not been able to walk. He had a catheter in and I told him that he did not have to get up, he insisted. I yelled for my brother and he came downstairs and we used the walker to get him to the bathroom, he could not lift his feet and he was saying he was going to pass out. I out his oxygen on him and as he sat in the bathroom with is head on the sink he began crying asking us to help him, he asked for an ambulance said he was hurting all over, he was so scared. I knew what was happening but I could not process it. I called hospice and the ambulance. We could not move him, my downstairs bathroom is a tiny tinny bathroom. It was awful, he began to fade away and I begged him to stay and I cried and my brother we just sat there with him. We told him that we loved him and he said I love you, I love you. Those were his last words, which I did not hear as I was on the phone with hospice. The first responders arrived and moved him to the floor and asked if he had a DNR, which he did and they announced his death. I do not remember much after that. I wish I had told him it was ok to go, that we would be ok. I wish that I had not pulled away from him like I had. I can't really explain the wall I put up, but it hurt him and I know it did. I wish instead of giving him a sleeping pill so early that I had sat by him and told him how much I loved him, but he was so tired, he was loaded down with 40 pounds of fluid and he was miserable. The nurse told me to give him a small dose of morphine if he needed it so I waited a few hours after the sleeping meds to give it to him and I will always wonder if it was too much medicine. I know that I did all that I could for him over the last ten years, but it is the last two months that are haunting me. He wanted to come home so badly and I had no control over the situation. He would call me upset, asking when was he coming home. I sometimes did not answer the phone because I did not know what to tell him. I have vm still on my phone of him begging me to call him. I just felt so helpless and was so pissed at my sister for not stepping up to help me bring him home. That is a while other story. I just do not know what to do with all of this sadness and anger. It is so hard living in my house and walking by where he lay by my front door until the came to take him away. I have not stepped foot into the bathroom and I don't think I can. How do I deal with this. I talk to him everyday and I just keep telling him that I am so sorry an that I never meant for him to feel hurt or pushed away. It is not helping. I pray to God and I am trying everything I can but it is not getting any better.

I just came across this post (years later), and am wondering how everyone is coping?... Care?... Jen?... everyone?... This is all so difficult... My mother has been living with me for going on 13 years now, and it seems like I can never do 'enough' (neither if my siblings help or even ask how I am doing... I rarely hear from them, nor do I want to now... sadly... They are only into themselves). My mother always is compelled to 'dominate' my life because she is the 'mother'.... In my last 13 years I have given up the majority of opportunities/my life and my youth.... I know I've 'lost' it at times, because of her neediness 24/7... and yet, I'm the one that feels 'deeply' and hurts 'deeply' and has 'regrets' for when I 'lost' it or can't be her 'all' or live up to 'her' infinite expectations. It's all so difficult, unhealthy for us, and demanding... I know I'll be a wreck when the 'time' comes... especially, because I'm the only one to handle 'everything'.... Life is never the same for us caregivers. Love to all of you...  Funny though... My mother doesn't ever acknowledge any regrets for what she has taken from me.... she actually basks in the spotlight.

Dear Heart2Heart,

Thank you for finding this post. There is so much here I can identify with as well. I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know there is a lot of burden and responsibility. And it is overwhelming. I hope you can find some respite care.

I feel your pain when it comes to the siblings. Relationships are never easy. I still hurt from all the arguments when my dad was alive. I know I can't think about it anymore, but it hurts.

Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.

Hi cdnreader... Thank you for your kindness and understanding. It's all so Bittersweet, but hopefully we will survive with some peace in our hearts and know that we have tried the best we can and that we made the effort to make the best choices for our loved ones. I told my mother once... twice... That "I only wished I had a wonderful daughter as myself" to be with... (I have no children... wasn't meant to be...)... Her response was "Oh, you'll have someone"... hmmmm... (that would be a miracle in itself)... We (caregivers) live in reality and have do and have done the best we could... We acted on kindness... (and sure... lost it at times)... I hope you are well and I pray for your happiness...
Blessings

Thank you Heart2Heart. Your words mean a lot. I am sad for the loss of my father still. I know grief comes in waves and this week has been a bad one. Thank you again for your kind thoughts and prayers. I sincerely appreciate it.

Hi again cdnreader... Yes, it's so difficult for those of us left behind, isn't it? I lost my father when I was 18 and he was 45 (my youngest brother was only 7, and doesn't remember him... perhaps a reason why he has a very difficult time with attaching to anyone in our family... I think maybe he subliminally is afraid of becoming too close and loosing someone again... don't know). But, I miss him every day, yet always feel his presence... That was decades ago...
Having known this loss from a teenager, I am so scared of loosing my mother. Life can be so harsh....
Thank you also for being you... Keep taking care of yourself!... (As an uncle once told me... you are precious cargo!)...
((((big hug)))...
(That goes for everyone on this site and all caregiver's)

Thank you Heart2Heart for being so sweet. And for your kind and comforting words, they are much needed!

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. And I hear you. I would be scared to lose my mom too. You are an angel for caring for her. Families are so tough. I guess we call just do the best we can.

I will try my friend. Keep on keeping on is all I can do. Moving forward without my dad has been rough. I appreciate all your kindness.

Take care as well. I hope you have a good weekend.

You also cdnreader... Like you, I keep trying... Each day I get up to "brush the dust off🎼" (like the song says) and start all over again. I'm swamped all the time with a full schedule (working for 2 people is a lot of work). Need to relearn how to relax like I used to (if I can)... get to sleep earlier, etc. 🙏
I hope you have a nice weekend also... It's been warm (but dry) in Colorado...
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Cnd Reader and Heart to Heart I am so glad this thread has been brought back to the front again. Heart to heart I hear you about the losing a Dad young and the fear of losing your mother. I lost my Dad to cancer just after my fourth birthday. I clung to my mother after that. From childhood well into adulthood I was a true mommy's girl. When she started to show signs of decline and eventually died almost two years ago now, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to face.

I was told by well-meaning friends when I was in my early thirties "you had better cut those apron strings cause your Mom won't live forever." Well, I didn't listen to them and I'm glad cause the close bond I had with Mom was the best relationship I've ever had in my life, bar none.

I'm so glad you shared that Gershun. It's a Godsend to have those who understand. How are you doing now? And, how did you find your way back (to get through it all and find the strength)?

Honestly, Heart to Heart how I got through it is still a mystery to me. I think I've always been the kind of person who goes on autopilot when serious, life changing events happen to me or someone I love. I was numb during the last two years of my Mom's life. I can't think of any other way of putting it. You know those stories you hear of someone having superhuman strength when a loved one gets stuck under a car or something like that. I guess that's how I would describe how I became. I think we all have a superhero in us and when someone we really care about needs us we go into that phonebooth and don the costume.

Now almost two years later since my Mom passed and I find I get through the days okay, but as soon as it's time to turn my head off for sleep all the sad moments run through my mind. Intellectually, I know I should probably go to grief counseling but I've been stubborn and don't want to. God is a close friend when I don't shut him out. I know that when I pray and reflect on the bible I automatically feel better and also feel closer to Mom but for some reason I have been stymied with that lately.

It just takes time and a little effort to get past these things. I think I am a work in progress. Coming on this forum has helped tremendously. It's sad to say but strangers on a public caregiving forum have been there for me more that my own family.

I definitely wish you and Cdn Reader well in your own personal journies.

Thank you Gershun. Well said. I think it's so difficult as humans to absorb all of this, especially when we have no choice but to 'see' (feel) it through. Maybe, this is our punishment from Adam and Eve. We can't be like April the (pregnant) NY camel to not be aware of what's going on... :)

Pregnant NY camel? I'll have to look that one up. LOL! But you are right. Someone on another site put it well. I think it was JeanneGibbs. We should consider ourselves fortunate to have had someone we loved so much even though it hurts like h*ll to lose them.

Yes... more food for thought, eh?
...
Re: April the Camel... (a nice diversion)
'Animal-Adventure-Park'
She's due any minute now... check out the live feed on google... (millions are watching ... very sweet and interesting)... http://www.express.co.uk/news/nature/777025/April-the-giraffe-updates-live-stream-latest-news-live-feed-update-Animal-Adventure-Park
Time to get some sleep...
Will return to chat after 'beauty' rest... lol :)

Good Night Heart!

Dear Gershun,

I can identify so much of what you wrote about friends telling you to cut the apron springs to your mom in your thirties. For myself, I feel like I never should have left the womb. I don't think I was cut out for all the ups and downs of life. I think I am too hyper sensitive. Everything just hurts too much. I could have lost my dad in my 50s or 60s and I still would be devastated. They grief is the price we pay for love. Having another night of tears. Reason I decided to come back to the forum again.

Thank you Gershun. I always enjoy reading your replies, they give me so much hope.

Cdn Reader, I am 55 years old and to be honest even though my Mom lived to be 92 I was praying that she would live to be 115. But when you see someone you love wracked in pain every day and hating their existence it's kind of hard to wish that they would stay alive for you. My Mom was so unhappy in the nursing home. Believe me if I thought that I could have taken care of her well I would have kept her at home but it got to a point that that just was not possible. As much as I miss her I know she needed to go.

I know how hard this is for you and I wish I could say just the right thing to you to make you feel better but I really can't . You know when I saw my Mom dying in the hospital it made me think about my own life and how I should try to live it better. My mom was such a good, kind soul and she had nothing to regret in the way she lived her life. I wish I could say the same. I know I've made mistakes along the way.

Just try to live your life in a way that honors your Father. I don't know if you are a person of faith or not but I will pray for you.

We sound like the Three Caregiver Amigo's... :)
Yes... We have to try and be happy... They would want us to be... We are just humans ... We all makes mistakes (we have to hit the 'edit' button)... Some of us love deeply and feel deeply... I'm finding that we also have to shake ourselves up from time-to-time and have peace...
Humor helps...
Love you guys!

Thank you Gershun and Heart2Heart. I appreciate all your kindness and support.

Thank you for the prayers Gershun. I can relate to so much of what you are writing about. It is true my dad was not happy about losing his independence. And though everyone has tried to say the right things, I think its something I have to work out on my own. I don't know if time will make the difference or not. I still have not reached the one year mark. But you are so right, I do have to live a good life to honor my dad. I wish I knew what that looked like and again maybe with time it will be come obvious.

With love and hugs to you both.

I think to honor them is the love we infinitely hold in our hearts forever and, just to do the best we can. I think we'll always grieve for them, but we can send them our love and pray for them always. When I think of it, they had to go through this with their parents also... all very difficult ... I miss my grandparents also, and wished I would have had thought of talking with them much, much more than I did. But, I count my Blessings for what I did learn from them (their gift to us).