Regrets after Mom's passing...how do I manage the guilt?

Hello to all who have lost their mothers. It has been 3 years without my mom. I still miss her. I long to hear her voice, to laugh with her..and to tell her about my day. Life is not the same. I live my best, I give the love to people around me- as she did to me. I think of her, what would she do or say. And, i think, "she had to lose many people in her lifetime and grieve too." She did it. And, I will will follow in her footsteps. I love you mother. Wishing a sign from heaven;-)

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Thank you for the responses. I will take time to forgive myself. I appreciate all of your thoughts and feedback. It helps me very much. No one in my family will acknowlege her death so I am glad to have had your responses instead of tormenting my mind with all the re-plays. Your words and being in the situation are enormously helpful. 
Blessings to all of you and situations youve experienced.

I feel the same... and, I don't know if anyone walks away feeling like we did the 'right' things to care for them. Caregiving is so hard. And we wouldn't be caregiver's if we didn't care and take it upon ourselves to sacrifice. This is how life works... I guess....

Dear Robin,

I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know its really hard. I know none of us have perfect relationships with our parents. We all want to go back in time and do something different. My father also suffered a stroke. I can't tell you how deeply I regret the last year of his life. So many things I wished I had done differently.

It will be hard but like Stchaos said, you did the very best you could under the circumstances. You tried and tried and tried, I can certainly hear that. Try to be kind and gentle with yourself.

Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.

You did the best that you could with the knowledge you had. You're only human and we all have our faults.

It sounds like you did quite a lot for her when she was alive. And that can lead to caregiver burnout. And during a burnout, you can get snappy. Again, you're only human not some perfect saint. You have to learn to forgive yourself. Remind yourself of all the sacrifices you did in order to keep her comfortable. If you want to, write in a journal all the positive things you did for her. And read it whenever you start to feel guilty.

I have a lot of guilt because I had not seen my mom for 35 years prior to her stroke because she always had a reason to keep me cut off from her. The last 10 years prior to her stroke she returned my email saying she did not want contact because I used the word boundary. Ten years later she sent me an email stating to not try to ever attend her funeral because she would have a police officer at the door to stop me. Now she was 84 years old. I called her & for some reason she let me talk so I could explain that I do want a realtionship with her. The next 2 years I spoke to her every night at 6 p.m. & visited her several times. At 86 yrs old she had a stroke so I brought her to my town straight out of ICU.The last 3 yrs & 8 months we were together. I had to move her to many different ALF due to their mistreatment of her. She had had her full mental capacities so she would try to control what she could control & many aids took it personally. I know she was difficult yet I feel imense guilt too. There were times I would feel provoked & bring up a childhood memory where she hurt me. I wanted to come over & take care of her when she was having a dental implant at 86 years old but she was too independent & said no. This proceedure is when she had the stroke. And I in my anger had said if she had let me come over maybe she would not be in this situation. I grew up with my mom not liking me but I really thought I would not stoop to the low remarks I made to her. 10 weeks ago she died in my home. Hospice said she had a month at least the day I moved her in, 3 days later she died. I did not stay by her side like I would have if I knew she was going to die. She was competent to the end, tried to eat that morning & was still drinking fluids. She refused all pain medicine and was alert. I was talking with a caregiver when my mom said, Im going to die tomorrow. And she did. I dont know why I did not say anything or have a response. It was silent. The next morning ,it was just her and I and all of a sudden,I felt compelled to go lie down with her. Even when my mom felt good she did not like to talk or listen to me talk too long. So I would take pictures and video for something to do. I began taking pictures of us & I can see her eyes track with the camera right up to the minute she passed. All I think about are the things I said meanly to her. Now all I can think about is how hard it was on her to be in her situation. Going from driving,working out,being free & doing volunteer work to being confined to a wheel chair & having aids upset with you because you have needs,nevermind getting to ever have preferences. The last month was the worst. I had bronchitus for 3 weeks & she was in the hospital. I feel like she began distancing herself then from me. After 3 days they discharged her & this is my worst guilt, I knew she was not strong enough to go back to ALF but the director intercepted my request for skilled nursing. I picked my mom up from the hospital,they had not fed her because they did not have pureed food. While she was weak I placed her in the front seat quickly & not as I should have with more care. I was upset with her as we drove back to ALF. I took her to her room & she said she had to go to the bathroom & I told her to press her pendant. 5 min down the road I get a call from the director that your mom fell with the aid on bathroom floor & is unresponsive. 911 came & we went back to the hospital. This is when I believe she gave up. I apologized & stayed like the other hospital days for 8 to 9 hours. I felt so sick & lack of sleep from bronchitius I do not feel like I was on the doctors enough for her to get food. I tried several times with nurses,dieticians. No one told me to call hospice,I just knew. The doctor agreed & she came home with me but we did not talk or do what I would have done if I knew how close to death she was. I also feel guilt because 98 per cent of caregivers would not like my mom due to her control. I think I was influenced up till the last night of her life by them to require her to do things for hrself. For ex. my mom would look at me and say,I cant hold the bars when they roll me over to change me. The aids would say,dont help her,she can do it. So I drank the kool-aid and went with the professionals. I blame myself for that. I feel blessed my mom did not die when I left her at ALF. I just never imagined we would both go through the motions of her dying at the end,without talking or her letting me hold her hand. I regret I did not take the lead & hold her. The guilt is overwhelming & I can not get the time back.

Dear Angie,

I'm sorry to hear about everything you have been through. It is so hard. I feel we all have to do what we feel is right in our heart. You are not a monster. This is your story and your experience. We can't always do what others want. So many situations there really is no right or wrong answer. Just the answer we are comfortable with.

Thinking of you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

I hope my situation helps at least ONE person grieving because NO ONE should feel guilty from what ive read, so far. I don't think there is a soul alive ..except the ones who r complete sociopaths and or psychopaths who hit, steal from and murder their parents, who fEEl as bad as i do for how ive treated my mother over the year who is now dying.

My dad left my mom wen i was 12 and i was always "daddy's girl" so i constantly fought with my mother. She had ti always remind me how much i reminded her of my dad and NOTHING I did was ever good enough.She is ol school italian catholic and was VERY strict and toxic as far as always laying guilt on me, yet enabling and thus spoiling me, throughout my life. She blamed me for giving up my kid for adoption wen i got pregnant and told me God would punish me for my sins as a 5 yr old kinda thing. I got into drugs and trouble wit the law. Which is a big NO NO with an italian mother because i was expected to be the kind of daughter she was with my deceased Nonna. Needless to say, we had a love hate relationship for many years. Having a temper like my late father, I would often raise my voice to her whenever she would get controlling and combative. We got into a HUGE fight wen I FINALLY decided to leave NJ and head out to Los Angeles, CA. She wanted me to hold onto my NJ state job even tho i was set to cut all ties so i really let her have it.

I still feel God gave me bad karma for not heeding her instruction..per the Bible. I have come to realize in the past year, ESPECIALLY that even tho parents should not nag their children like she is so good at doing, children should respect their parents, which im so NOT good at doing. At least prior to a year ago. I decided to stop getting high with marijuana a year ago so i could be there for my mom. Prior to a year ago, I hadnt messed with hard drugs in about 10 yrs ago and marijuana and alcohil on occasion was all I had used since marijuana is legal in Cali. Not a big drinker but my mom is someone who just DOESNT trust me even wen im sober and never stole from her or hit her. I did, however, flinch hit her a few times as if i would but still never did. One of The worst things ive done was cause my parents to worry about me, which is very selfish. For the past 10 yrs ive been living like a vampire and times get tough. I became terrified of the light of day because i have a REEEEEAAALLY bad case of OCD. I dont mean anyone any harm. I was limited with what i could do for money because i had a hard time finding a decent job on MY terms. Temp agencies dont want to find people jobs to work from home or at night. I eventually became afraid of freeway driving since i was able to escape a near death accicldent thank the Lord. Still, i was unsuccesful working at places like Uber so i fell into dancing and wen that was no linger sumthing i felt comfortable doing, I had been and still am working as a masseuse. My parents prayers for me, i believe, have kept me safe because a total stranger could have raped me by now and i know what it is like to be raped but my life is in constant fight or flight mode. I feel my father, altho he never said it, blames me for his cancer from stress over me. He cut me out of his will. He was rich but left it all to his wife. It sucks cos I would have loved my dad whether he had money or not a dime. Nothing i did was ever good enough for hum, either. He was a retired FBI guy and all i ever wanted was his attention. He reminded me that I wasnt as talented as i thought i was before he died. I told his wife that I would have flown back ti help him even if i had to wear a tinfoil suit and drive him to the doctors but both she and my father daud it was uneccessary and they ended up takinh a trip to see me a year before he died. My father NEVER guilted me and if ever i was in a jam, he helped me and always remembered my birthday and holidays each year. I was blessed that my parents were both good enough in their own way and i do regret making them worry so much. Im more expressive like my mom and have a hard time trusting evything will be ok ..ut wasnt like i daud to myself wen ever getting in a jam, "Gee let me give my parents a heart attack today..". Things just ALWAYS seem ti go wrong in my life. I guess since im supposed to be a born again Christian after having a supernatural experience on more than one occasion in which the Lord saved me, i should know better and have faith instead of fear and give up my vampira lifestyle of shunning light but i just do not know how to not be afraid. Ive even tried hypnodid because 2 men i fell for gave me ultimatums to change or theyd bounce. They did. So it goes.


..i regret alot of things. I regret giving my dad's wife, who was my dad's whore who he left my mom for, birthday and holiday gifts for over 20 yrs but at least I dont have as much to grieve with my dad altho I still do at times anyway. I think didcovering my mother's cancer within months of losing my dad has helped to shift my focus. My mom kinda gloated that she and my brother both knew my dad wouldnt leave us any money and yet her lawyer forced mt dad to give her a percentage of his pension even after death. The night my father died she said that he would get what he deserved on the otherside. I told her i thought he had suffered enough 3 years of chemo and radiation but i know my dad hirt her VERY badly because he was emotionally and mentally abusive to my mom at times wen he was drinking. She did EVERYTHING for him and he still left her for a much younger woman.

Now im sitting here feeling like a monster. Prior to quitting weed a year ago, ive told my mom out of knee jerk reaction to her nagging me that i wish she was dead a few times in the past but had apologized within minutes later. It was like i never knew wen she would come at me with negativity and it was usually a moment i would least expect. I KNOW IM WRONG. The last 6 yrs of my life had been painful because the man i fell in live with married another woman and my rebounds were mentally and emotionally abusive. The last one cheated on me in front of my face and left me with herpes one and 2 so ive threatened to kill myself plenty and had attempted but not since my dad got cancer 3 yrs ago.
I have to live with this. How ive affected my family.
What i feel most recently bad about is that right before my mom got diagnosed with cancer she was being interrogative wen i was down and told me to get over my ex giving me herpes because he had moved on and wasnt thinking about me. Sge was right but i was so angry that she said it to me so i told her i that maybe itd be better if we were both dead so that she wouldn't have to worry about me abd i wouldn't have to be in so much pain. Within a month or two, she got duagnosed with stage 4 cancer and a month later i experienced a COMPLETE loss of appetite. It has been a year a 2 months and doctors do not understand. My stomach just stopped growling for food. There are no more hunger signals. I only eat because if i forget to eat after like 8 to 12 hours, my body gets fidgety. Dictirs have not detected cancer only a couple polyps were removed in my throat and rectum because i felt lime i was choking last year for several months before the polyp was removed and i had some colon issues, as well. I suffer with alot of neuroligical pain from the herpes. Pain sometimes attacks my foot and enture leg and so can have trouble walking..sometimes my back..sometimes other parts of my body and of course the genital issue on occasion. I was so OCD about contracting syds that i would go every 6 months for tests but my patents prayers could not circumvent God's will for me to learn my lesson about being vulnerable and promiscuous so now I havent been with anoyine for over a year and i have to live wit the guilt of a dying mother.
I don't dare talk to her the way I used to talk to her. I go out of my way to be kind. She is very positive but there had been days wen the chemo affects her and she would lay guilt trips on me so i dont know what to do. I face timed her a few times but it is SOOOOO painful to see my mom, a woman who has been BEAUTIFUL, HER WHOLE LIFE AS MY DAD WAS HANDSOME, like this on chemo. It was hatd seeing my dad like that, too. I am haunted. I tild my mom I would cover up and fly back and be her caretaker but she insists she wants my brother and his family to be the caretakers because she is so close to him and his kids. She wants me to take a trip back no sooner than the end of July. It has already been over a year. I fear what will happen if i dont go sooner and yet another part of me is relieved i had not had to because of my OCD. So now im just living in the doom and gloom of the day to day. I dont know if ANYONE else can relate or if y'all think im a monster but this is MY life and MY truth. I cannot speak for ANYONE but ME.

Jae,

I understand the guilt and hurt. Even though you did your best, there were times when you and I were human and buckled under stress. In time we will find the way to forgive ourselves

Think of the good thing your brought. Remember the best and let the bad go.

Me condolences

Dear Jae,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. Thank you for your compassion and understanding. We are human and we all try and do our best in the moment. Its all any us can really do. It took me over a year but I think I am starting to realize this...I hope. Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

My Mom died a couple weeks ago. I used to visit her every Sunday night. Tonight is Sunday and recall the time she First when into a nursing home with dementia, she tried to ak me if she could come to my home? I said this is your home now...
I too lost patience at times with extended appointments that took up my day. I'm sorry you are feeling this, as well. Perhaps, we can forgive ourselves for being human.

Thank you again Heart2Heart for your kindness to me. I agree with you it is a process. I will try with all my heart not to be too hard on myself. I know I would never berate anyone else the way I have berated myself. Thank you for trying to help me and comfort me. I have been so tearful these past few days. Keep torturing myself about what I could have done to save my dad. I know I just need more time. (((hugs)))

Your're a very special person cdnreader... you care far and above ( what anyone would)... You should be so proud of who you are and what you represent... (I also admit in putting others first)... We walk together in this process... (and, isn't this exactly what it is... a process?),,, We do need to not be so hard on ourselves... True?

I will keep trying Heart2Heart. Being kind to myself seems almost impossible sometimes. I seem to always put others first before myself. So happy to do something else for someone else not even taken into account the costs to myself.

Losing my dad has been humbling. I know I need to make a change. I need to learn to manage my own needs. Hard to break a life long pattern of being a Yes woman.

And, we should have been independent... that's how we gain our lives... our future... So, we did everything right... we're human... and, we need to be as kind to ourselves as possible.

Thank you Heart2Heart. It is truly the circle of life. And you are right I can't imagine what it was like for my own father to go through the death of his own parents and his siblings and niece at one point. Death is a part of life and there is no escaping this fact.

Me too. I wished I had taken more time to truly talk to my dad. Instead all I cared about was getting my daily errands and tasks done. It was a mistake. But you are right, my dad taught me to be independent. And I do have a duty to continue to represent him in this life. To live well. Be a good person. My dad was my first major loss and sadly I know he won't be the last. My dad was 42 years old when I was born and now I am 42 when he died. I don't know if the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe that I need to cherish my time.

I think to honor them is the love we infinitely hold in our hearts forever and, just to do the best we can. I think we'll always grieve for them, but we can send them our love and pray for them always. When I think of it, they had to go through this with their parents also... all very difficult ... I miss my grandparents also, and wished I would have had thought of talking with them much, much more than I did. But, I count my Blessings for what I did learn from them (their gift to us).

Thank you Gershun and Heart2Heart. I appreciate all your kindness and support.

Thank you for the prayers Gershun. I can relate to so much of what you are writing about. It is true my dad was not happy about losing his independence. And though everyone has tried to say the right things, I think its something I have to work out on my own. I don't know if time will make the difference or not. I still have not reached the one year mark. But you are so right, I do have to live a good life to honor my dad. I wish I knew what that looked like and again maybe with time it will be come obvious.

With love and hugs to you both.

We sound like the Three Caregiver Amigo's... :)
Yes... We have to try and be happy... They would want us to be... We are just humans ... We all makes mistakes (we have to hit the 'edit' button)... Some of us love deeply and feel deeply... I'm finding that we also have to shake ourselves up from time-to-time and have peace...
Humor helps...
Love you guys!

Cdn Reader, I am 55 years old and to be honest even though my Mom lived to be 92 I was praying that she would live to be 115. But when you see someone you love wracked in pain every day and hating their existence it's kind of hard to wish that they would stay alive for you. My Mom was so unhappy in the nursing home. Believe me if I thought that I could have taken care of her well I would have kept her at home but it got to a point that that just was not possible. As much as I miss her I know she needed to go.

I know how hard this is for you and I wish I could say just the right thing to you to make you feel better but I really can't . You know when I saw my Mom dying in the hospital it made me think about my own life and how I should try to live it better. My mom was such a good, kind soul and she had nothing to regret in the way she lived her life. I wish I could say the same. I know I've made mistakes along the way.

Just try to live your life in a way that honors your Father. I don't know if you are a person of faith or not but I will pray for you.

Dear Gershun,

I can identify so much of what you wrote about friends telling you to cut the apron springs to your mom in your thirties. For myself, I feel like I never should have left the womb. I don't think I was cut out for all the ups and downs of life. I think I am too hyper sensitive. Everything just hurts too much. I could have lost my dad in my 50s or 60s and I still would be devastated. They grief is the price we pay for love. Having another night of tears. Reason I decided to come back to the forum again.

Thank you Gershun. I always enjoy reading your replies, they give me so much hope.

Good Night Heart!

Yes... more food for thought, eh?
...
Re: April the Camel... (a nice diversion)
'Animal-Adventure-Park'
She's due any minute now... check out the live feed on google... (millions are watching ... very sweet and interesting)... http://www.express.co.uk/news/nature/777025/April-the-giraffe-updates-live-stream-latest-news-live-feed-update-Animal-Adventure-Park
Time to get some sleep...
Will return to chat after 'beauty' rest... lol :)

Pregnant NY camel? I'll have to look that one up. LOL! But you are right. Someone on another site put it well. I think it was JeanneGibbs. We should consider ourselves fortunate to have had someone we loved so much even though it hurts like h*ll to lose them.

Thank you Gershun. Well said. I think it's so difficult as humans to absorb all of this, especially when we have no choice but to 'see' (feel) it through. Maybe, this is our punishment from Adam and Eve. We can't be like April the (pregnant) NY camel to not be aware of what's going on... :)

Honestly, Heart to Heart how I got through it is still a mystery to me. I think I've always been the kind of person who goes on autopilot when serious, life changing events happen to me or someone I love. I was numb during the last two years of my Mom's life. I can't think of any other way of putting it. You know those stories you hear of someone having superhuman strength when a loved one gets stuck under a car or something like that. I guess that's how I would describe how I became. I think we all have a superhero in us and when someone we really care about needs us we go into that phonebooth and don the costume.

Now almost two years later since my Mom passed and I find I get through the days okay, but as soon as it's time to turn my head off for sleep all the sad moments run through my mind. Intellectually, I know I should probably go to grief counseling but I've been stubborn and don't want to. God is a close friend when I don't shut him out. I know that when I pray and reflect on the bible I automatically feel better and also feel closer to Mom but for some reason I have been stymied with that lately.

It just takes time and a little effort to get past these things. I think I am a work in progress. Coming on this forum has helped tremendously. It's sad to say but strangers on a public caregiving forum have been there for me more that my own family.

I definitely wish you and Cdn Reader well in your own personal journies.

I'm so glad you shared that Gershun. It's a Godsend to have those who understand. How are you doing now? And, how did you find your way back (to get through it all and find the strength)?

Cnd Reader and Heart to Heart I am so glad this thread has been brought back to the front again. Heart to heart I hear you about the losing a Dad young and the fear of losing your mother. I lost my Dad to cancer just after my fourth birthday. I clung to my mother after that. From childhood well into adulthood I was a true mommy's girl. When she started to show signs of decline and eventually died almost two years ago now, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to face.

I was told by well-meaning friends when I was in my early thirties "you had better cut those apron strings cause your Mom won't live forever." Well, I didn't listen to them and I'm glad cause the close bond I had with Mom was the best relationship I've ever had in my life, bar none.

You also cdnreader... Like you, I keep trying... Each day I get up to "brush the dust off🎼" (like the song says) and start all over again. I'm swamped all the time with a full schedule (working for 2 people is a lot of work). Need to relearn how to relax like I used to (if I can)... get to sleep earlier, etc. 🙏
I hope you have a nice weekend also... It's been warm (but dry) in Colorado...
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