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After my mom's stroke last year, she said she did not want a DNR. I am her proxy and I haven't asked her about it lately, but I see that she's starting to decline and I really want the DNR. How do I make this happen?

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It sounds as though she made her decision, but you don't like it! The trick is in presenting the options in a way that is more likely to get her to see your point of view, something I personally would not be good at.
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With my own mother I made the initial enquiry about how to have it put in place when someone is in their own home and not in a hospital or facility, and our case manager brought the form and discussed it with mom. Having an outsider (nurse, doctor or other) made the discussion less emotional and when offered choices such as " if you had a heart attack, would you want them to bring you back or let you go" my mom easily chose the latter option and signed the DNR herself.
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As her proxy I believe if Mom can no longer make her own decisions you can tell the medical team what to do or not to do. Have a note put in her chart that extraordinary measures be taken in the event of.......and here list what you don't what to be done such as cardiac resuscitation, artificial feeding. You can ask the nurses and Drs what would be appropriate.
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It's so hard, because even though she seems to be going downhill lately, if I ask her anything about dying, she acts like I'm crazy. I think when they asked her at the rehab place, she didn't give it much thought, but there is NO way that I'm going to let them do all kinds of crazy violent things to keep her alive. She's 84 and has had non-stop health crises in recent years. I absolutely cannot bear - truly cannot bear - to think of losing her, but any kind of invasive, heroic measures would be agony for both of us.
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Can you talk to her doctor and the three of you talk about the DNR? I thought Proxy works the same as POA in that the POA only goes into effect when the patient is not of sound mind or is unable to communicate their wishes. I completely understand that you want to respect your mother's wishes because she is of sound mind, but does she truly understand what's involved in aggressive measures if she were to have a heart attack? Ask her if she wants broken ribs and be put on a ventilator and then spend up to six months to one year in rehabilitation after the medical team resuscitates her - because this is a serious possible outcome if the men, women will have to go full force on her chest to jumpstart her heart. As a bystander, I've seen this done on someone else in the hospital and it's horrifying to witness, actually. It's not pretty like it's on television; the patient doesn't wake-up talking, smiling after their ribs have been cracked all over. My mother is suffering/has been suffering slowly from complications of vascular dementia - and is homebound as a result. It's awful to see her slowly deteriorate. I have a DNR in place for the very reason that you're wanting one. My father absolutely refused to be a DNR and wanted everything thrown at him because he didn't want to leave us - but we were traumatized by watching him suffer. It was so difficult honoring his wishes and I'm still having nightmares from this experience. Knowing now what I know, I wish I could go back in time and get that DNR in place without telling him (just put it with all the other paperwork that's given to medical personnel before evaluation for medical treatment) so he didn't suffer like he did.
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I visited my mother today and brought it up. She said she would not want to be put through resuscitation, etc. She doesn't remember saying otherwise. I am going to ask her elder lawyer how to make sure the DNR is in place.

I mean, she finds it hard to sit in her wheelchair for more than 10 minutes lately, so the thought of her enduring anything as brutal as resuscitation is unbearable. Something is so very wrong with our culture that we can't accept the natural course of things and will do literally anything to change it.
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I'm so sorry Xina. Its never easy to make these decisions. I hear you. When my dad had his first stroke, we had to talk about a DNR. My siblings all agreed that we didn't want my dad to be hooked up to tubes. And the doctor said CPR can be very violent resulting in broken ribs. I have to agree with cwillie and try to have an outsider talk to her about this decision. I'm sure your mom is afraid. Who wants to face the reality of death? I sure didn't. I hope your mom will come around.
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Xina, is there a social worker at your mom's apartment complex? If yes, she might be a good person to talk to about this issue and how to approach it.
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Is Mom living at home? You do need two types of DNR, there is a separate on for in hospital. When you have the necessary documents make several copies and be sure you have one with you and if she is at home one in a prominent place if it does not upset Mom on the back of the front door is a good place. That way there is no problem with over zealous EMTs. If she is in a facility make sure there is a copy in her chart.
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Sorry, didn't read all the posts. In NJ a doctor has to sign the DNR. Mom didn't because she has Dementia. I have POA. Recently, she had a hospital stay and rehab. I had a DNR in place but the attending at each place had to sign one for that facility. Maybe her primary can talk with her and explain that a DNR is really a good thing. I really doubt if she would want to be kept alive if her body was naturally shutting down. And believe me, facilities will do whatever they can to keep someone alive. Families will hold on. My daughter sees it everyday. Not saying this is u, but some families rely on that SS check and if the loved one dies, that income is lost.
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